The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/01/6wounds.htm
This is excerpted from What's a "Grown Wounded Child
(GWC)?" Note - this article uses informational popups, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or accept popups from this nonprofit Web site.
A
basic premise in this nonprofit, divorce-prevention Web site is that
children raised in
low-nurtur-ance
families survive (vs. thrive) by developing an unseen, protective
"false self" which dominates their
personality and
behavior. Depending on many
factors, false selves cause up to
five more psychological injuries. This
excerpt summarizes these six pervasive wounds.
This summary
comes
from 19 years' effort to heal my own wounds,
and to empower many troubled therapy clients to do the same. My "seeing" is
founded on the teachings
of several dozen veteran mental-health
professionals whose works I've studied, and who's knowledge, heart, and clear vision
I’ve come to respect and trust. These
research reports validate what you're
about to read.
Each
wound has unmistakable behavioral symptoms. Since I learned to look for
them, I've seen significant wound-symptoms in over 80% of the many hundreds
of average
divorcing and stepfamily women and men I've worked with since 1981. I've
also seen symptoms in many of my professional human-service colleagues.
Not one person could name the six wounds
or describe what they may
mean, though many had begun
learning.
The Six Psychological Wounds
1) Living from a
false self. Positron Emission Tomography (PET) brain-scans
suggest that normal personalities are composed of a group of
semi-independent subselves or parts (brain regions). Each
subself has unique talents, limitations, and goals.
When upset personality parts don't know or trust the resident
true Self (capital "S"), they take control
("blend"), like disgruntled rookies
overpowering the coach and trying to lead a professional sports team.
This results in the loss of the Self's leadership,
vision, talents,
and wisdom, and causes reactive,
impulsive, unwise short-term decisions. People
ruled often by a false self most of
their lives aren't aware of it, and see nothing unusual in this
blending. There are
many behavioral symptoms of false
self control.
When your true Self is in charge, you'll typically feel a mix of calm,
centered, grounded, "light," alive, alert, aware, "up," focused,
purposeful, compassionate, strong, resilient, confident, and realistically
opti-mistic - even in conflict or uproar.
False-self dominance causes promotes some or all of these five additional wounds:
2)
Excessive(vs. normal)
shame ("low self esteem").Core false-self belief: "I'm totally worthless and unlovable, no matter what anyone
says!" Typical symptoms: "negative
self talk," routine self-abuse and
self-neglect, rigid denials, harsh self-criticism, inability to accept
merited praise and love, and many others...
A companion wound is excessive
(vs. normal)
guilts -
self-criticism for breaking important rules [should (not)s, ought (not)s,
have-to's, musts, and cant's].
3)
Excessive ("irrational")
anxiety, fears, or terror of criticism, rejections, abandonment,
the unknown, failure (in someone's view), success, and/or intense emotions
(e.g. confusion, overwhelm, inti-macy, and interpersonal conflict.
Typical symptoms: compulsive
worrying, chronic hesitance, doubt, and timidity, excessive caution,
difficulty making decisions, relationship
addiction (codependence) or
excessive independence and social isolation
("distancing"). See this brief research summary of common
health risks of excessive
anxiety.
4) Trust
disorders:a reflexive reluctance to trust safe people,
ambivalence ("I trust you but I don't"), or repeatedlyovertrusting
abusive, self-centered, or hurtful people, despite painful betrayals. Another
symp-tom of this
fourth wound is
persistent self-distrust:constantly doubting or
"second-guessing" your own feelings, thoughts, perceptions, opinions, and needs.
A third facet of this wound is skepticism or rejection of (vs.
indifference to) a benign,
accessible
Higher Power.
Starting in infancy, distrusts are learned from prior pain, fears,
and ...
5)
Reality distortions. Typical
adults and kids ruled by a false self (a) perceive things that don't
exist ("I know you're going to have an
affair and leave
me!"), and (b) don't admit or perceive things that are there ("I am
not addicted to sugar!")
Common language for
this false-self injury is assuming, repressing, illusions or
delusions, projecting,
minimizing, exaggerating, idealizing, paranoia, neuroses,
catastrophizing, and denial.
One of many symptoms of this widespread
wound is self-protective denial
of ...
these inner wounds ("I'mnot 'ruled by a false self,' and I sure don't have these so-called wounds!");
the
effects of these wounds ("I don't have
too many of these symptoms"), and ...
the wounds' origin ("My childhood
nurturance was normal and fine!")
Together, a disabled true Self
and excessive shame + guilts + fears + distortions + distrusts promote...
6)
Difficultybonding with
(emotionally-spiritually attaching to) one's (a) self, (b) some or
all other people, and/or
(c) a benign Higher Power. Typical symptoms:
relentless senses of
alienation,
disconnection, emptiness, and aloneness thathave been
called a "hole in the soul";
chronic social
isolation or
consistently superficial relationships;
chronic
depression or frantic busy-ness
("type-a behavior");
vehement or passive
atheism or spiritual indifference
(spiritual disconnection); and ...
partners and children not feelingloved by the wounded person, despite
sincere assurances.
+ + +
Are
you wondering if you or someone you care about could have some mix of these
false-self wounds? See this comparison for an
initial idea.
Premise - most personal, family, and social "problems" exist
because of (a) these epidemic psychological wounds and (b) toxic
public
unawareness.
Once adults like you are aware of this inherited combination,
you can avoid passing on
these wounds and ignorance to your descendents.
This nonprofit Web site offers a flexible, practical way to do this
- see these slides or this
article.
From
29 years'
study and personal experience, I propose that significant false-self wounding
is one of
five reasons that many (most?) U.S.
marriages fail psychologically or legally. Family
Project 1 in this
nonprofit Web site is about
assessing for these wounds and
reducing
them over time by intentionally
harmonizing personality sub-selves. See these questions and answers on
personality subselves and false-self
wounds for more
perspective.
The guidebook for
Project 1 is
Who's Really Running Your Life? It integrates the key articles and
worksheets in this site, andgives more detail
on these wounds, their typical
effects, how to assess for and
greatly reduce them over time, and how to choose higher-nurturance
environments and
relationships.
For options on adapting to a significantly wounded
mate,
ex mate,
stepchild,
relative, or
co-work-er, follow the
link/s. For an overview of
recovery from false-self wounds, see this
slide presentation or
article. For more
perspective, see these slide presentations on personality subselves
and the pervasive [wounds + ignorance]
cycle that
stresses most families and
marriages. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
this and
this.
Recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so,
what do you need to do now? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your wise resident
true Self,
or
"someone else"?
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/01/6wounds.htm
The Six Psychological Wounds