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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to
use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic
of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This article
outlines key steps to assess yourself or another person for
significant false-self dominance and related psychological
From my
29-year
experience as a stepfamily researcher and therapist, it appears that
a high majority of average
and re/marrying American co-parents are significantly wounded, and don't (want to) know that or what it means.
in this site aims to help co-parents and others (a) understand these wounds,
where they come from, and what they
and then (b) assess themselves for
wound symptoms. The second half of Project 1 is an experience-based
framework to help motivated adults
from any significant wounds they discover.
This non-profit, educational site proposes that co-parents' and kids'
combined wounds are perhaps the most powerful of
that
over half of U.S. first-marriages and re/marriages
ultimately
psychologically or legally.
This summary article (a) outlines
the key steps to assess for false-self psychological wounds, and (b) points to
initial steps in healing them.
You'll get the most from this guide if you patiently...
Prepare to Assess
Study the following articles to understand (a) why this self-assessment
framework exists, and (b) how it relates to you and the kids and adults you
care about - starting with you. Doing this will help you start
reducing the second major re/divorce hazard:
Option: print
this* and use it as a
progress
checklist.
# Status check: Pause, breathe well,
and notice if you feel any of these: alive, alert, centered,
energized, focused, calm, purposeful, strong, "up," grounded, strong,
confident, competent, interested, aware, and "light." If so, your true
Self probably is leading your inner family of subselves. If you don't know
what that means yet, get undistracted, and read these family-relations
basics over some days or weeks...
-
This summary of minor kids' typical
developmental needs;
-
What
is (need
filling), and typical traits of a
high-nurturance family
-
These brief perspectives on co-parent
and
-
This
research
summary of the results of low-nurturance childhoods;
-
These introductions to your multi-part
and unique
of subselves;
-
This summary
of your true Self (capital "S") and false self;
-
This
introduction to
(GWCs) -
survivors of low childhood nurturance;
-
This summary of the
of false-self dominance
and wounds;
-
This introduction to
from false-self wounds;
and...
-
these selected
questions and answers about inner wounds and
recovery.
Now you're
well prepared to understand the wound-assessment steps outlined below.
If you've skipped these vital preparations, a protective
probably controlling your perceptions and decisions without your knowledge.
Notice how that possibility feels...
Assess for False-self Dominance and Wounds
Option: print this and use it as a checklist to guide and monitor your
progress...
Choose the open, curious mind of a
student, and (a) expect to learn something of high value for you and those
you love. This is a win-win process: if you do all 12 checklists honestly,
you'll learn (b) you're not significantly wounded, or (c) you are, and
can benefit greatly from evolving and working a personal recovery plan.
Expect this evaluation
to take several weeks, and pace yourself. If you get confused or
stop and regroup. There's a lot here. Option:
about your
reactions as you go...
Read (a) each of the linked articles
above, and (b) any articles they link to that catch your eye, if you haven't already.
Skipping this will probably invalidate
your assessment results.
For a preliminary (overall)
evaluation, fill out this worksheet
and notice your feelings and thoughts as you do. Because your
well-meaning, distrustful false self will try to distort your answers,
then take undistracted time to
widen your perspective
by using these 11 additional checklists honestly...
And...
Follow the link
in each pop-up below to read about each of the six false-self wounds.
Then thoughtfully use the
symptom-checklists in each article to evolve an opinion of whether you or
another person has (or had) that false-self wound to a significant degree:
-
dominance, which promotes all of these:
-
excessive
and...
-
excessive
and...
-
problems
too easily or too little, and...
-
significant reality
and these all may
promote...
-
difficulty feeling and
with other people.
Next, read
this to help decide what all
the above articles and 12 checklists mean to you. Then with
the perspective you've gained...
Review (a) this overview of inner-wound
recovery and (b) this
introduction to freeing your Self to
harmonize
(reorganize) and lead your inner
family of subselves.
If you're sure (a) your
true Self is
your other subselves, and
you (b) feel motivated to commit to personal recovery from false-self wounds
for your and your loved-one's sakes, then (c) decide if you want to invest
in the
guide
book
Who's Really
Running Your Life? as a portable recovery resource.
To widen your perspective, scan this list
of other books about multi-part
personalities, recovery, and true Selves. Follow the wisdom of the
"still, small voice" within you.
Investigate your
community to see
if there are any professional recovery guides (therapists) and/or
reputable support groups. The best ones are usually led by Self-led
mental-health professionals.
Thoughtfully decide if there are any
other persons you want to share these ideas and resources with (like your
partner) now. This may change as you progress in your recovery. Finally...
Use this
worksheet to assess what your current real
are, and where
personal recovery from false-self
will fit among them. I recommend
for your and your kids' long-term benefit, you're wise to put it among your top five
priorities; and...
If/as appropriate, widen your
perspective by reading and discussing these articles on relating to a
wounded
mate, ex mate,
relative/s, and
(step)kids. Then...
Use
your new knowledge and perspective
to gain deeper awareness from rereading this summary of
that (I believe)
promote our unremarked
U.S.
epidemic.
 Note
that gaining the full protection of co-parent safeguard
here (from the five hazards you probably face) depends on
you and your partner being guided by your true Selves. Assessing
honestly for the six false-self wounds is the first step toward
achieving that! |
I'd be pleased to learn from your
feedback
on these articles, the ideas behind them, and any recovery
experience in your (step)family.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get
what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
+ + +
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