The Web address of this
two-page worksheet is
http://sfhelp.org/01/co-dep.htm
The address of the related
series of articles on addictions is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/addiction1.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up,
so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to
use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic
of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This is one of 12
checklists for people
seeking to know if someone is burdened by significant false-self
from a
childhood.
This
assessment is a vital part of co-parent
which is best done
before child conception, early in serious courtship, or after hitting
It is useful any time.
Background
This
worksheet lists common behavioral traits of people with the psychological condition (vs.
"disease") of codependence.
This term evolved in the 1980’s from co-alcoholic, which
mental-health workers use to describe someone who is compulsively
with an active alcoholic.
Co-dependents
typically over-focus on the current welfare and activities of another person (often
another addict), and consistently lose sight of their own needs,
feelings, and lives. That is, codependents lose healthy me/you
and their own personal
friends, and life goals - despite consistently painful outcomes.
Typical codependents are "helplessly" attracted to
significantly-
partners.
If you’re courting a codependent
and/or
may have that condition yourself, seriously question why you (i.e.
your controlling subselves) are pursuing the
relationship. See co-parent
Many human-service
and the public have been taught to view addiction as a
disease. I strongly disagree, because by definition, diseases
are caused by germs and/or organic malfunctions. I propose that
any
(toxic compulsion) comes from an unconscious false-self reflex to numb or
distract from (self-medicate) significant
Feeling "I have a disease" can promote feeling defective,
anxious, and
inferior to "healthy" people. This increases the false-self wound of
Kids trapped in significantly low-nurturance childhoods
must find a way to survive frequent inner pain. Therefore, they risk
depending on the reliable temporary relief of one or more
addictions. The tragic paradox is: as
true addictions progress, they increase inner pain and reinforce
themselves.
Some substance addictions compound this by developing
cellular
cravings, adding to the psychological need for comfort.
Intentionally working to reduce false-self wounds (Project 1 here) is a
far healthier way to avoid and manage inner pain.
Men and women who
low-nurturance childhoods often develop
the condition of codependence to self-medicate their current pain. Their relationship addiction is based, I suspect, on
which causes...
-
excessive shame ("I am a
worthless, unlovable person, no matter what anyone says."), and...
-
terror and unrealistic expectation of
abandonment, based on early-childhood agonies.
Once admitted, all six false-self wounds can be significantly reduced over time
(vs. cured), through
informed, self-motivated personal
If
not acknowledged and healed, these wounds inexorably put you and any
minor kids at significant risk of escalating stresses and eventual psychological or legal
Such healing can gradually free
addicts to have more nurturing and satisfying relationships among their
and with key
The
two sets of traits below are gratefully adapted from
Codependents Anonymous
(CoDA) 12-step addiction-recovery materials.
The more traits you check, the more likely that the person you're rating has
(a) significant
false-self wounds and (b) the condition of codependence (relationship
addiction). CoDA and other 12-step
organizations do not yet acknowledge false-self wounds and/or low-nurturance
families as major causes of addictions.
Directions
Do this worksheet by yourself to
avoid skewing the results to please or impress another person. Print out
one or more copies.
Choose an undistracted,
comfortable setting
to do this worksheet - i.e. no phones, kids, pets, TV, or other
disturbances. Allow at least
30" - or more, if you want to
about the experience. Have extra paper and
colored pens or markers for highlighting handy.
Check to see who's
guiding your personality - i.e. do a
Self-check: If you can
honestly say "I feel a mix of grounded, centered, peaceful alert, awake,
"up," "light," focused, purposeful, resilient, confident, compassionate,
serene, calm, strong, and clear, your true Self (capital "S") is
probably guiding your other subselves now.
If you can't say this,
expect skewed results from this worksheet.
Put other concerns aside for now.
Adopt the attitudes that ...
-
This investigation is not about blaming anyone, including yourself;
-
This is a win-win experience: you'll find you don't have many traits of co- dependence;
or if you do, you've discovered a
reason to break old denials and start
and...
-
Doing this worksheet thoughtfully and honestly
will strengthen your odds of making healthy relationship and
co-parenting
|
Reassure yourself that
codependence is a normal (widespread!) emotional-spiritual condition that can be
reduced.
It is not sign of craziness, badness, failure,
weirdness, or a disease, illness, or character defect! It
is a significantly-harmful condition that
deserves serious attention, awareness, and patient, corrective action. There is a
lot
of effective help available! |
Mentally focus on your relationship
with your present partner, a former partner, or a parent, sibling,
relative, child, co-worker, or friend. With that focus in mind, fill out the two tables
below slowly and thoughtfully. If you're unsure about an item, use "?"
Ask
yourself whether each trait usually or generally applies to (a) you, and
(b) your chosen
other. Try not to focus on what others may think of your answers. You don't
have to
show them to anyone - and it may be helpful to do so.
As you do the worksheet,
nonjudgmentally
notice your thoughts, images, and feelings or their
absence. Your reactions are clues to "the truth." They're important
learnings just as your check-box responses are.
If it feels right, change the wording of any
item, and/or add items.
Pause,
breathe, and answer this: "I believe now that...
_ I don't have the
condition of co-dependence; _ I'm not sure if I do; _ I do have it.
If you're going to assess
another person, substitute her or his name for "I."
+ + +
The
traits below are in two sections: (a) relationship traits, and (b)
general traits.
A) About Our Relationship... |
me |
you |
other |
| 1) My good feelings about who I
am depend on being liked by you; |
|
|
|
| 2) My good feelings about who I
am depend on getting approval from you; |
|
|
|
| 3) Your struggle affects my serenity.
My mental attention focuses on solving your problems, or relieving your pain; |
|
|
|
4) My mental attention is
usually focused on _ pleasing you, and
_ protecting you |
|
|
|
5) My Self-esteem is bolstered
by _ solving
your problems, and
_ relieving your pain |
|
|
|
| 6) My hobbies and interests are
put aside. My time is spent sharing your hobbies and interests |
|
|
|
| 7) Your
_ clothing, _ personal
appearance, and _ behavior follow my desires, as I feel you are a reflection of me |
|
|
|
| 8) I’m seldom aware of how
I feel - I’m mainly aware of how you feel |
|
|
|
| 9) I’m seldom aware of
what I want - I ask or assume what you want |
|
|
|
| 10) My dreams of the future are
mainly linked to you; |
|
|
|
| 11) My fears of your
_ rejection and _ anger strongly
shape what I say and do |
|
|
|
| 12) I use giving as a key way
of feeling safe in our relationship |
|
|
|
| 13) My own social circle
diminishes as I involve myself with you |
|
|
|
| 14) I put many of my values
aside in order to stay in relationship with you |
|
|
|
| 15) I value your opinions and
ways of doing most things more than mine |
|
|
|
| 16) The quality of my life
hinges largely on the quality of yours |
|
|
|
17)
|
|
|
|
18)
|
|
|
|
Finish assessing for traits of codependence with