Project 1 of 12 - assess for psychological wounds, and reduce them
	Checklist: Symptoms of Codependence Am I In an Addictive Relationship? p. 2 of 2 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this two-page worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/01/co-dep.htm

The address of the related series of articles on addictions is http://sfhelp.org/basics/addiction1.htm 

Trait inventory, continued ...

        If you took a break after doing page 1, consider re-scanning the directions to get the most from using this.

B) General Traits of Codependents	me	you	other
1)  We automatically assume responsibility for others’ feelings and/or behaviors
2)  We have trouble identifying our feelings; invalidate them; and/or often feel confused, guilty, or ashamed of them
3)  We have trouble freely expressing feelings: i.e. "I’m happy / sad / joyful / hurt / confused / enraged / scared / anxious / numb / ..."
4)  We often fear or worry about how others may respond to our feelings and behaviors
5)  We can’t firmly say what we need - and/or we feel very guilty and anxious if we do
6)  We automatically equate love with pain, anxiety or fear, and/or pity
7)  We generally have trouble making and keeping close relationships
8)  We greatly fear being hurt and/or being rejected or abandoned by others - and often expect these, despite all reassurances
9)  We often have trouble making firm decisions
10)  We often minimize, alter, and even deny the truth about how we really feel
11)  We typically react to others’ actions and attitudes, rather than act on our own
12)  We usually put other people’s needs and wants well before our own - automatically (a 1-down attitude)
13)  Our fears of others’ feelings (e.g. anger, indifference, disapproval) largely determine what we say and do
14)  We question or ignore our own values in order to be accepted and liked  by significant others. We often value others’ opinions more than ours
15)  We often feel empty, indifferent, sad, and/or depressed "for no reason"
16)  Our Self-esteem is bolstered by events outside of us. We have great trouble acknowledging good things about ourselves
17)  Our serenity and mental attention (focus) is determined by how others are feeling or acting
18)  We tend to judge everything we do, think, or say, harshly, by someone else’s standards. Few things we do, say, or think are "good enough." Perfectionism feels normal to us
19)  We don’t know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is OK and normal (ref. co-parent Project 11)
20)  We don’t know that it’s OK to talk about personal problems outside the family; or that feelings just are, and that it’s better to share them than to deny, minimize, or justify them
22)  We’re steadfastly loyal, even when we’re repeatedly discounted, shamed, neglected, or used
23)  We have to feel clearly and steadily needed to have an OK relationship with others.
24)
25)

  As I finish, I'm aware of ...

 

 

 

 

and I want to ...

 

 

 

 

     

  Options ...

If you checked many of these traits for yourself, then consider...

• Studying these addiction basics and options for personal addiction-recovery

• Starting or continuing the steps in Project 1: assessing for false-self dominance and related inner wounds, and reducing any you find;

• Learning more in print, from knowledgeable others, and from the Web about relationship- addiction and "Adult Child" (Grown Wounded Child, or GWC) recovery. Include learning about typical long-term effects on young kids if their caregiver/s are unrecovering addicts of any sort (i.e. wounded  and self-medicating significant inner pain);

• Getting help from a professional clinician who is trained and experienced in working with relationship-addiction management. Ideally, s/he will know about inner-family therapy;

• Check for symptoms of other addictions ("co-addiction") like comfort foods, nicotine, alcohol, and compulsive working out, cleaning, shopping, praying, and/or working.

• Seek and listen to others recovering from the normal condition of codependence. Locate one or more local Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) meetings, and attend several to get a feel for what they do, how, and why. If you can't find a physical meeting, there are "virtual" CoDA groups on the Internet;

Postpone any serious relationship commitments until you make unmistakable  progress healing the toxic shame and fear of abandonment promoting your condition. Needy, unrecovering GWCs are at high risk of mistakenly believing that getting married, cohabiting, and/or having a child will heal the discomforts they've been self-medicating. Guarantee: they won't. Reality-check this with people in true (vs. pseudo) recovery for five or more years. I've been recovering for 19 years...

• Begin to teach key other people what you're learning about codependence and what it means - in general, and in your life. As you do, stay aware that codependence is a symptom of the real problem: false-self wounds + unawareness.

• Be alert for recovery mentors and hero/ines. Watch and listen for stories of people who discovered codependence, progressed at reducing (vs. "curing") it, and report positive life changes and experiences!

If you checked many traits for your current partner ...

• Study these addiction basics, and this article on adapting to an addicted mate

• Show this article to your mate, discuss it, and recommend these same actions to them. Option: patiently work at Project 1 together!

• Beware feeling anxious about and/or responsible for their discomforts, reactions, and decisions. The most effective way to help, long-term, is...

  • set a worthy (recovery) example for them, with your true Self in charge,

  • make frequent use of the Serenity Prayer, and...

  • compassionately help by not helping - i.e. by not enabling your partner (taking responsibility for what s/he must do);

• If relevant, evaluate getting couples-counseling on managing codependence. Avoid doing this for your partner's sake (rescuing), no matter how seductive it feels!

If you checked many traits for someone else - e.g. a former partner...

• Use your new awarenesses to grow compassion for them. If you've blamed and resented them for past hurts and insults, don't give up your feelings - and consider seeing him or her as majorly wounded people from a low-nurturance childhood, vs. a "bad" person. Some healing forgiveness may grow from such a new view, which helps all of you.

• If they're open to it, consider making this worksheet and related inner-wound recovery (Project-1) materials available to them without "strings" or expectations. Beware trying to save or fix others who aren't looking for help: that's a classic codependent urge!

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - did you get what you needed from these two pages? Whether yes or no, what do you need now?

Options - continue with...

• this three-page introduction to addiction fundamentals, or...

• this overview of "hitting bottom," or...

• this overview of personal addiction (vs. wound) recovery, or...

• an introduction to inner-wound recovery, or

• these frequently-asked questions about inner wounds and personality subselves, or

• this true example of false selves stressing a stepfamily, or

• search your favorite online bookseller for titles on codependence, or...

• search the Web for "relationship addiction" and/or "codependence," or

• choose another Project-1 link, or a link above.

You may also wish to learn from these other inner-wound assessment checklists, or gain more perspective by reading about relating well to wounded people.

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