What It Means to Be
Ruled by a False Self

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/01/gwc_means.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        This is one of a series of Web pages on family Project 1: adults assess themselves and other fami-ly members for symptoms of significant psychological (false self) wounds, and reduce any you find. Pro-ject 1 and Project 2 (learn effective communication skills) underlie up to 10 other ways to evolve high-nur-turance relationships and families.

        This article summarizes six common impacts of these wounds, and ways to reduce them. It assumes you're familiar with these concepts:

• the premises underlying this nonprofit Web site

• normal personality subselves (like yours) - slides or text and Q&A

• six common psychological wounds from low-nurturance childhoods

• this research summary on health risks of kids from "risky" (low nurturance) families

• Grown Wounded Children (GWCs)

• the [wounds + unawareness] cycle that may stress your family and descendents - slides or text

• this example of a real stepfamily affected by this toxic cycle.

 Six Effects of False-self Dominance

       What follows is my conclusion after studying false-self (psychological) wounds and wound-recovery from them in typical adults and couples since 1986. I estimate that 80% or more of the 1,000+ typical men and women I've met since 1981 showed clear signs of false-self wounds. Under 5% of them knew that, or what it meant (i.e. this article).

        The high majority were in protective denial of their wounds, and were unaware of how being often controlled by a well-meaning false self was affecting their and their minor kids' lives. These effects include...

• Being unconsciously attracted to significantly-wounded partners - repeatedly;

• Unintentionally reproducing low-nurturance family environments and wounding their kids;

• Unconsciously choosing low-nurturance work, social, and religious (church) settings;

• Having to intentionally reorganize their personality and relationships to reduce troublesome traits and behaviors like these (i.e. having to recover);

• Choosing a human-service occupation and/or depending on wounded human-service professionals, and...

• Suffering significant health problems and dying prematurely without knowing who they really were or could have become.

        Notice your reaction to these wound-impacts. Could they apply to you? To your mate? Your parents or siblings? A child in your life? Here's some...

Perspective on These Effects

        1)  Being repeatedly attracted to significantly-wounded partners despite painful results. The interaction of wounds in two people ruled by false selves usually causes mounting relationship conflict and stress, and promotes eventual psychological or legal breakup. This is specially likely if the mates lack basic information on effective relationships and communication - which is common.

        One implication is that a high percentage of the possible new partners after a mate-death or divorce - specially for women - is significantly wounded. Often, divorcing parents are dealing with a web of unfin-ished issues with ex mates and perhaps kin, which complicates potential new primary relationships. 

        Other millions of wounded adults create a string of approach-avoid relationships. Still others choose non-intimate or solitary (i.e. safe) lifestyles ("I guess Pat's just not marriage material...") for a mix of sur-face reasons. Many clinical professionals believe these inner wounds are best healed in the context of a primary relationship. If so, solitary Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) have lower odds of reducing their false-self dominance.

        Another common effect of these false-self wounds is...

        2)  Until progressing well with personal recovery, typical wounded adults unintentionally choose and promote low-nurturance family environments. One common result is passing on false-self wounds to their minor kids - despite fervent vows to "not be like my (neglectful or abusive) Mom / Dad!" Their wounded childhood caregivers often felt the same.

        Many such kids will begin to show symptoms of false-self dominance ("act out," and/or get "sick," extra angry, withdrawn, over-anxious, "hyper," or "depressed") before puberty. Other kids adapt to their nurturance deprivations and false-self injuries by becoming super responsible and obedient, and relent-lessly helpful and cheerful. This is usually an unconscious survival tactic, not wholistic health or happi-ness.

        And typical people controlled by false selves...

        3)  unconsciously choose low-nurturance ("toxic") work, social, and religious settings, over and over. These reproduce the familiar environment that they grew up in, even if it was significantly anxious, confusing, and shaming. Such choices promote ongoing personal anxiety, frustrations, and distractions. These inhibit effective wound-recovery and healthy primary and caregiving relationships.

        A related problem may be frequent chosen or forced job and/or location changes. These can reduce security and occupational confidence, hinder income levels, inhibit friendships, and amplify anxiety, self doubt, and/or cynicism. Wounded people in effective personal recovery - often starting in midlife - begin to choose wholistically-healthier (higher nurturance) settings and relationships. Over time, their and their kids' life quality notably improves.

        Another meaning of false-self dominance:

        4)  True wound-recovery requires realizing, grieving, and accepting that the person's childhood lacked major psychological and spiritual nurturances. As old denials dissolve, recovers must confront feelings of hurt, rage, and ultimately deep sadness that the caregivers they depended on couldn't help them fill their developmental needs adequately.

        Often, recovery creates the need to confront older family members on this, in order to release these long-repressed feelings. Parents' and relatives' reactions can range from family-wide recovery (the best case) to major guilt, sadness, and depression, to rigid, angry rejection, criticism, and hostility ("How dare you accuse Mom and me of being inadequate or 'wounded' parents after all that we did for you!")

        Because traditions, holidays, and the media impel typical family members to congregate, recover-ers find themselves torn between needing to "avoid toxic relationships," and feeling obligated to be among kin who usually criticize, ignore, scorn, and misunderstand them.

        If relatives' are too wounded and unaware, family-relationship cut-offs can occur from recovery-con-frontations, causing major losses. Recoverers face the implacable reality they can't force or persuade their family members to accept and support their wound-recovery.

        A variation of this occurs for some devout recoverers. As they heal, they may see that their child-hood religion promoted major shame, guilt, fears, and pseudo spirituality, so they seek a healthier framework of divine and human communion. "Honor thy Father and thy Mother" have deep historic, re-ligious, and emotional roots. Breaking with family religious traditions can be an exceptionally volatile stressor which can further promote kinship antagonisms and cut-offs.

        Other recoverers are blessed with liberal religions, clergy, and congregations that empathically endorse and support healing from spiritual and psychological abuses. That can help the whole family adjust to evolving true recoveries. A sign of real healing is spontaneously finding and using effective recovery supports. There are many!

         We're reviewing six common impacts of being ruled by a well-meaning false self. Another common result is...

Consider any "acting out" or trouble with someone's kids, in light of what you’re reading here. Then tailor and apply these ideas to your relationship with them.

If you’re seriously considering marriage, I urge you lovebugs to invest significant time doing pre-wedding Projects 1-7 - specially if one or both of you have prior kids. Study this slide presentation or this article, and/or look for a sponsor for this (re)marriage preparation course or take it yourselves. And a final option:

Relax now, perhaps reread all this later, and let it all sink in - perhaps over several weeks. Trust your "still small voice" to guide you in the best choices for you and any minor kids now…

        Any kids that you and your partner care about - and any unborn children - and their future fan of descendents all silently depend on you to take this false-self wounding concept (and Project-1) seriously now…

Status Check

        See where you stand on these Project 1 concepts now: T = True, F = False, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)?

I can clearly describe the concept of normal personalities being composed of specialist "subselves" to an average high school student now.  (T  F  ?)

I (a) can describe what a "true Self" and a "false self" are to an average high school student now, and I (b) believe these concepts apply to average kids and adults in our society.  (T  F  ?)

I accept that some families nurture their members (fill their primary needs) more effectively than other families do. (T  F  ?)

I accept that (a) typical kids who get too little psychological and spiritual nurturance in their early years automatically develop a false self to survive, which (b) often causes up to five other significant psychological ''wounds.''  (T  F  ?) 

I can name six personal impacts of significant false-self wounds, and describe at least one major implication of each impact now. (T  F  ?)

I accept that once a person identifies and accepts their false-self wounds, s/he can choose to reduce them (recover) with qualified help, over time.  (T  F  ?)

I accept that regardless of age, experience, and formal education, average wounded adults who don't seek to free their Self and harmonize their other subselves risk unintentionally passing on false-self wounds to dependent kids and spreading the toxic cycle of wounds and unawareness down the generations.

I know where to find more information on these topics in this Web site.  (T  F  ?)

My true Self is responding to these items now.  (T  F  ?)

        What did you just learn? If you're skeptical about personality subselves and false-self wounds, try this safe, interesting exercise, and then read this letter to you before you make your mind up.

Recap

        This Project-1 article describes six common effects of being the survivor of a low-nurturance child-hood - a Grown Wounded Child (GWC). It closes with a summary of options if you are - or someone you care about is - a GWC. It then provides a status check to see where you stand on these basic ideas.

Next...

• Study and discuss these introductions to...

  • normal personality subselves (slides or text), and...

  • the [wounds + unawareness] cycle that may be harming your family and descendents
    (slides or text); or...

• study these frequently-asked questions about personality subselves; or...

• read this summary of common behavioral traits of people guided by a true Self or a false self; or...

• read this example of false selves at work in a real stepfamily, or...

• overview how to assess for false-self wounds, or...

• study this introduction to recovery from false-self wounds (slides or text); or...

• explore the possibilities of inner-family therapy, or...

• review these articles on relating to significantly-wounded adults and kids, or...

• invest in the Project-1 guidebook "Who's Really Running Your Life?", or...

• follow a link below..

        Pause and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise, resident true Self, or "someone else"?

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