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Re-doing A
Prior Trauma
A 40-ish
client I’ll
call Jack had been abandoned early by his (traumatized) mother, raised by a
highly critical grandmother and uncle, and spent most childhood years in two
stern Midwestern Catholic schools. We were working toward healing his
anxiety, distrusts, and pervasive shame. Over time, Jack had evolved
comfortable awareness of
about 15 parts, including a frightened, lonely pre-teen boy part he called
"Little Jack". He also discovered a powerful adult male Guardian
he named "Billy", who reminded him of an iron-strong, resourceful character in the movie "The Dream Team". These parts
had become quite real to Jack.
One
session, Jack tearfully
described a powerfully shaming fifth-grade experience. He’d been called up
in front of two combined classes to recite a poem which he had not memorized.
As this became obvious, the nun in charge sarcastically ridiculed and mocked
him, took
him by the ear, and led him past his smirking classmates into a coatroom at
the back of the room. There (as he remembered), she continued to
belittle him loud enough for all to hear, and at one point angrily slammed his head against the wall. It
was a shattering experience, in part because when he told his grandmother
later, she angrily said "Don’t you whine to me, young man - you must
have deserved what you got!"
Jack could not recall having
ever felt protected or valued as a child. This was having a major (negative)
effect on his current adult relationships.
He
(his Self and all vocal parts) courageously agreed to try
re-living the old poetry-class trauma in a new way. I asked "who would
you like to protect Little Jack from the shaming he received?" The
bearded, slender man thought. "I’d like Billy, ... my Self, and ...
you" (I’m 6’ 1" and 215 lbs). I warmly agreed. Jack got quiet,
went inside, and focused on the memory of the old classroom full of
students. I suggested he take all the time he needed to note the details:
the sounds and smells, the colors, the temperature and time of day, the feel
of the chair he was sitting in, and what he was wearing.
He described these clearly,
in a quiet voice. I asked Jack’s Self to stand in the cloakroom with Billy
and me, first looking at us, then out at the class. He did, describing us
two men and then seeing the back of Little Jack’s head, and the teacher’s
features, voice, and actions. He named several of the students in the class,
and recalled hearing a distant bell.
The scene unfolded, as it had
countless times in Jack’s memory - shaming him anew each time. This time,
however, when the woman dragged the shaking boy into the coatroom, she met
three
grown men there. Jack had said earlier he wanted Billy to take the lead. He
did - sternly confronting the surprised teacher. Billy told her to let go of
Little Jack, and put his arm around the boy.
Jack, his eyes
closed, spoke
in Billy’s powerful voice in the therapy room. It was notably deeper and
stronger than the voice he usually used. He spoke to the nun real time,
telling her that she was abusing Jack, and that he would not tolerate that -
now or ever again. Jack described her as protesting righteously and indignantly.
I asked him "What would Billy say?" Billy (in Jack’s words)
firmly told her to go back in front of the class and apologize to them and
to Little Jack for what she’d done. She fumed and resisted, and he
re-asserted. "How’s Little Jack?" I asked. "He’s stunned! He’s just standing next to Billy with his mouth open."
Eyes still closed, the man on
my couch described the woman going to the front of the class and apologizing
haltingly. At Billy’s demand, she introduced him, me, and Jack’s Self to
the children, and said that we’d come to "take care" of Jack.
Billy told her and the class "I’m going to be around from now on. If
you don’t believe that, just test me out."
Jack the real man was crying
on my couch, and shaking his head as he described this new outcome to the
hateful old experience. After a few minutes of quiet and collecting, he
opened his eyes. I asked what he was aware of. "Little Jack feels
different. I feel different! I’ve never felt anything like that before in
my life..." He seemed awed. I said "Your Self and mine just led us
in re-doing a powerful
shaming experience you've remembered all these years."
You can do this
with any painful memory you choose, if you prepare well
and all your subselves
feel safe enough. Note that not all re-doings are as dramatic
as Jack’s...
In later sessions, we re-did
several other shaming and terrifying experiences that Jack recalled -
including him at five years old finding his gruff, scary uncle dead in the
man's
bedroom. Some months later, (adult) Jack spontaneously described these re-doings as
"life-changing" events for him. Prior to the re-doing, Little Jack
had lived in the past, believing he was all alone. Later, he shifted to
living in the present with Jack’s other subselves - his newfound (and first)
nurturing family.
This example shows the main
steps in Re-doing. The purpose of this inner-family technique is to give a
wholistically-healthier outcome experience to remembered traumatic
events. This is not magic, and it obviously doesn’t change the past.
Re-doing can be a powerful healing technique, in proportion to your abilities to own your
subselves (accept their realness), and to immerse yourself in key past
events.
Re-Doing Steps
Become thoroughly clear on all these
steps before you consider a re-doing.
Preparation is essential - e.g. the
example above took at least 10 hours of inner-family sessions, plus Jack's
"homework" experiences, over almost three months. If you
have a Desperate One,
Impulsive One,
or
Daredevil
- keep them from taking over your Self
1) Over
time, clearly establish the identity and traits of
each of your key
subselves. Work patiently to reduce any subselves’ ambivalence
or doubt about all your parts’ reality and normalcy;
2)
If necessary, adjust your
parts-work beliefs
to include the real possibility that this can be a safe new feeling
(vs. mental) experience. Adjusting your beliefs can mean working with one or
more
or
to
have them unblend, stand aside, and
trust that your Self and other
your
Higher Power, and any consultants you're using, will keep everyone
safe, and no one will lose their
importance.
3)
Identify the specific
young subselves that carry your
and
Over
time, help them meet and accept your Self, other subselves (like Billy, above),
your Higher Power, and any outer-family nurturers (like me, above). When
it feels right, pick one or a few Inner Kids to
work with in a re-doing experience, and prepare:
4)
Focus on a childhood or adult trauma that
affects the young subself.
A "trauma" is any event that caused you (vs. someone you
were with) intense emotional + physical + spiritual
injury, terror, confusion, and/or
Focus on one specific trauma at a time - not
on (for example) "my whole rotten fourth-grade year" or
"the summer vacation from hell."
5) Build a (small)
imaginary re-doing
team. Identify one or more trusted strong, nurturing subselves. These are
usually, but not always, adults. Consider including
subselves, and
any special real or mythical hero/ines as possible members of your
team. Also consider safe professional helpers, and key trusted,
well-grounded, outside partners, friends or kin. See if each candidate
subself (a) knows the young part/s you've chosen, and (b) is willing to participate in
a re-doing experience with them. Respect any response.
6) Inside and
outside, everyone get clear on why
you’re going to re-do the selected traumatic memory, and generally how.
Who will do the talking or lead the action? What’s the main job of each
team member? In the example above, Jack’s Self was the delegating
leader. He and "I" were there for backup and moral support,
while Billy was the lead asserter.
7) Avoid planning to kill,
harm, or abuse any "bad" people in the remembered event.
This technique is not about fostering violence or revenge as a way of healing
and problem solving. Re-doing is about you experiencing healthy
limit-setting, respectful assertion, and loving nurturance and
effective protections.
Step 8)
The first times
you prepare to re-do,
check carefully to see if there are any Guardians who are protectively
or
wanting to
the project. If so,
work with each one patiently to gain their trust and support. Appeal to them to trust
you (your Self), and just try re-doing to see what happens.
If any subself too scared by
re-doing, don’t force it. Work respectfully and patiently
with them to find a safe-enough way for them to try this learning
experience. Encourage a calm, open-minded "let’s see what happens"
attitude among all team members, vs. expecting "miracles" or
"catastrophes."
9)
Pick a safe comfortable,
distraction-free place and time to have the experience. Ideally, your site should be
one where - if needed - you can yell or cry without worrying
about disturbing other people. Weigh the pros and cons of being in the
same location as the original trauma, if that's an option. Allocate enough time, including
time afterward to debrief and integrate your experience. If you need some
resources
stuffed animal, water, background sounds,
tissue,
tape recorder), gather them.
10) When it feels right, let your young subselves know in advance generally what
you’re doing, and why. Note their reactions, answer questions, and agree
on how to involve them - including as observers, vs. participants. Offer appropriate reassurances.
Option - call an
inner council meeting so
everyone knows what's going to happen, who's in charge, and why.
11) If you’re using an
outside helper, get clear together on his or her role/s. Do you want them to
actively coach? Silently support? Be careful about physical closeness
and contact - even reassuring touching can distract from your inner
re-experience.
12)
Breathe well. Get centered (check for
close your
eyes if you wish, focus on the remembered image of the traumatic
event, and invite your team members to "be there."
Play out the event, and have your lead subselves generate a safer, more satisfying outcome together.
Take your time. Allow anything to happen that "wants to." If
your
and/or
subselves want to
comment as the re-doing unfolds, ask
them to wait until
you’re finished.
13)
When everyone involved
feels "done enough," return your focus and energy to your real-world
setting. Breathe well, stretch, and get back into your body. Debrief your inner family and any outer helper/s when you
feel centered. Note specially
how your Inner Child/ren seem to be. Recap what you did, why, and what
you experienced. Ask yourself objectively "What am I aware of
now?" and (later) "What did I (we) learn here?" Check
with any
to learn their reactions
without arguing or explaining.
Recall: other than these preparation guidelines, there is no
"right way" to re-do. There are only new experiences,
awarenesses, and learnings. If "nothing" seemed to happen, or if
you were distracted by
"blankness," or
"feeling nothing," learn
from these reactions. Seek to identify what parts
are linked such reactions, like a protective
or
and work patiently to gain their
trust and co-operation.
Step 14)
Thank and appreciate any
subselves and helpers involved in each re-doing, as
appropriate. Be open to the possibility that some healing
reactions may evolve later. If it fits, journal
or tape record commentary soon after a re-doing experience for later
reflection. Invite all your parts to
comment, including physical sensations, pictures, sounds, images, and new
awarenesses...
After any
inner-family experience, notice non-judgmentally where your thoughts
and feelings are. Is your Self
your
inner family now? Coach yourself to practice
this re-doing technique without needing to be perfect.
Each time you do, you'll increase your wisdom, skill, and confidence.
We just reviewed a powerful
parts-work technique called re-doing - internally
re-experiencing of a remembered trauma and intentionally promoting a
healthier outcome. The goal of most re-doings is to relieve one or more
Inner Kids of their old burdens of terror, guilt, shame, and hopelessness,
and to help them express what they couldn't express in real life.
Pause, breathe, and take stock - can you think of any old or recent traumas
that repeatedly cause your subselves significant inner pain? Can you imagine
planning and trying a corrective re-doing? If not (yet), who's in the way?
Another powerful parts-work technique is...
Rescuing
Subselves Living in the Past ("Time Traveling")
A
high majority of the people I've done parts work with have discovered one or
more subselves who believe they're living in
a past traumatic (e.g. childhood) time. Initial inner interviews should
routinely include your Self or outer consultant asking "Can you tell me what
year it is? Trust your first response..." - and being prepared for something
like "1976."
My
professional
IFS
colleagues report the same experience with most of their
clients. Inner-family harmony,
security, and serenity grow as all subselves choose to live together in the
present time. This powerful technique facilitates achieving that
safely.
As a
logic-worshipping left-brained (unrecovering) male ex-engineer, I was skeptical
when I first heard this inner-family concept - i.e. my protective
activated. After practicing and experiencing parts work for 15
years, I now believe that most
of significant childhood trauma have one or more
subselves who need to distort reality and live "back
then."
Such parts are typically
and perhaps their
devoted Guardians. Because these subselves lack clear perspective on
what was vs. what is now, their reactions to current life
events can cause significant
and
The good
news: with patience, compassion, and sensitivity, such misinformed subselves can
be helped to permanently
migrate and join their other subselves and host person in the present.
Before reading how,
notice
your reactions to the idea of rescuing some exiled subselves. If
you have a skeptical
or
inner
voice, acknowledge it affectionately. It’s probably a
steadfast Guardian working to shield your Inner Kids from
unsafe risk. Muse a little - if you do have one or more parts who live in
the past, who would they be? Is there a risk in discovering them? What?
How might your life feel different if they joined you all in the present?
Intuition counts here.
Timing
My
experience is it’s unwise to try rescuing too soon in the flow of your parts
work. Give yourself plenty of time to (a) get familiar with your parts roster,
and to (b) learn how to communicate well with your inner members - specially
with your
and other
Allow time to
(c) evolve your own
comfortable style of doing this work. Effective parts’ rescues hinge on
patiently establishing inner trusts, safeties, and realistic expectations.
If you suffered profound
childhood trauma, it may take months of parts work before you (all) feel
ready to rescue subselves living in the
past. If you’re uncertain, listen
for the clear guidance of your "still, small voice." Trust and
follow it!
Recognizing
Exiled Subselves
The biggest clues that an
unaware
subself is living in the past are significantly inappropriate
reactions to certain current inner and outer events, like weeping or
rage "attacks," situational amnesia, and some physical reactions. These behavior patterns are
often mis-described as obsessions, compulsions, impulses, addictions, and denials,
rather than symptoms.
For example:
Despite her partner’s
verbal and behavioral assurances, a woman can’t quell major fears that he
really doesn’t love her and will eventually choose someone else. Her
insecurity, distrust, and
increasingly strain their relationship;
A clearly successful
salesman can’t acknowledge or enjoy his achievements, and feels
relentlessly driven to "do better!";
A mother is constantly
overanxious about her competent grown daughter’s welfare, and remains
intrusive, controlling, and
with her despite her daughter’s exasperated protests and
growing resentment;
A young father swears he’ll
never
his children the way his own father did - yet despairingly
acknowledges "I’m blowing up just like Dad did!"
An attractive single woman
cycles thru repeated
relationships. "Something goes
wrong", before or after engagement, and she always breaks up -
despite longing for marriage and her own home and family.
An experienced,
well-trained marketing executive develops an embarrassing stutter when she
makes follow-up calls to some (not all) new male clients. Her efforts to
control the stutter fail;
A single woman in her 30’s
reports a recurring strong feeling of dread around mid-afternoon, and a
powerful compulsion to "get home" - though there’s no
practical reason to;
A grandfather describes a
recurring life-long nightmare of being attacked in a forest by unseen
wild "things" and being unable to run or hide.
Generally, any time a person
has significantly self-disturbing, self-harmful, or self -limiting behavior
patterns, they probably have one or more subselves living in the past. Dr.
Richard
Schwartz and colleagues call these parts
Exiles. Though they experience life as it
once really was, their reactions can have major disturbing effects in the present.
Options / Steps
Any bells ring here? If so,
what can you do? Here’s an overview:
1) Choose an attitude of
patient, positive expectancy about rescuing any Exiles;
2) Identify a stressful
behavior trait, and seek one or more related Exiles who cause it;
3) Identify and befriend any
subselves guarding the Exile/s;
4) Choose or build a safe
inner haven in the present. Imagine it vividly; and practicing "being
there;"
5)
Decide whether one or more
Re-doings with the Exile/s are appropriate;
6) Brief all your
subselves, and
patiently help the Exile/s visit - and eventually relocate to - your safe inner haven. Integrate
them with other inner family members over time.
Here’s more detail on each
step:
Rescuing:
1)
Pick
A Behavior Pattern, and Seek an Exile that Promotes It
Look for a self-limiting or
self-harmful behavior pattern (see examples above). Write or say as
specifically and objectively as you can what the pattern is - ideally in a
phrase or one sentence: e.g. "I’ve always been afraid to express my
hurt, anger,
and
to my Father," or "I have recurring sleep problems."
Get quiet
and undistracted, focus inside, and
(your Self) ask the part or parts who "cause" or "know
about" the target behavior to identify themselves. Your invitation might
sound like "Will the one who interrupts my sleep please show itself
now in some way?" If more than one part appears, acknowledge each one,
and
work with one at a time.
Rescuing:
2)
Identify
and Befriend Guardians
Before
your Self can meet an
Exile (usually an Inner Child), one or more of suspicious Guardians will
often intervene. Until they (a) know and trust your Self and any outside helpers
involved, and (b) clearly understand what you’re trying to do, and why,
they’re likely to repeatedly interfere with your rescue attempts.
Such Guardians often fear that if the Inner Kid/s they protect
"leave," or are effectively cared for by another subself (like
your
they’ll
"lose their jobs." If you’ve ever been in a work situation where
you felt your position was about to end, you can empathize.
Recall that
providing
effective protection is a Guardian’s sole purpose in life. If one
stubbornly hinders your rescue plan, Be compassionate (vs. angry, impatient,
or critical) - for they may see the sure outcome of your plan as their own
"death" or demotion.
As you first seek to identify
and meet a suspected Exile, be alert for a Guardian who
("My Exile won’t respond"), or who
causes feelings other than compassionate interest about the Exile (e.g.
major dread, anxiety, or thoughts like "That part causing my
overeating is really stupid! I wish s/he were dead!")
If you encounter a
"blanking," "numbing," and/or
Guardian, respectfully invite
it to identify itself. Through inner dialog, imaging, or other means,
empathically learn what it expects and fears. Their fears are likely to be catastrophic,
vague, irrational, and emotional, vs. realistic, like "All hell will break loose!;" or "You’ll get sick and go crazy!"
Respect such
doubts and fears, avoid explaining,
lecturing, and "reasoning" with the fearful part, and work
patiently
to replace their fear and doubts with tentative trusts in your Self and
other Regulars. If appropriate, reassure each
obsessive (i.e. frightened) Guardian that their energy and talents are unique
and valuable, and that there will always be an important role for them to play
in your Inner family. If appropriate, invite them to help plan and be part
of
(not lead) the rescue. Assess whether they may be living in the past too.
If so, switch to rescuing them first.
If a Guardian projects
negative judgments about a suspected or known Exile, affirm the Guardian’s
feelings ("You really feel that part is worthless and dumb") -
then respectfully and firmly ask them to step aside. If they balk,
and affirm them again, then
Invite them patiently to talk about their
opinions and fears,
and listen (vs. argue, reason, discount, threaten, etc.). Listening is not
necessarily agreeing. If their judgmental feelings persist, refocus on this Guardian,
and defer the rescue exploration.
Rescuing:
3) Build
a Safe Haven in the Present
Before rescuing any Exiles,
evolve an undistracting inner "place" that feels safe and
comfortable to all your subselves.
this place as clearly as you can. Describe it out loud or on
paper, and/or draw or paint it. It may be an actual place or you may enjoy creating it.
Let your imagination soar!
One client experienced a strong feeling of peace
and safety on an imaginary tropical beach by a lagoon. Another vividly
pictured a snug mountain cabin in a forest clearing. Another found that her
parts felt best gathered together around a beautiful crystal rock. Later
this later became a pure, warming fire. Some people find that their parts
naturally want to live in their current physical home - or in a comfortable
imaginary addition to it.
Furnish your Special Place
with anything you want: a fountain, music, a fireplace, comfortable places
to rest, cushions, games, soft lights, windows, or skylights, food, sacred items, a garden, beautiful views, ...
Option:
browse magazines and Web sites for ideas and inspiration. If you have developed
sketch, model, or paint your haven. When it feels right, invite (vs.
your known
subselves to congregate there. Let your Place evolve and stabilize with their
input.
As with other aspects of
parts work, there is no absolute right or wrong in designing or picking a
safe haven. As you envision yours, notice with affection if some inner voices
insist "This is really stupid!" (diligent
and "What if other people
knew you were daydreaming about this junk?"
If
some subselves feel ambivalent
about trying this rescuing work, affirm that this is your Life, not someone else’s.
Imagine how some scared, lonely, sad Inner Child might feel,
experiencing a home and a family that is truly welcoming, nurturing,
and safe for the first time in their lives. Ask the hesitant parts to
trust you, and try this safe experience and see what happens.
Do you have anything to risk
or lose by trying this? If so - who believes that?
Rescuing: 4)
Consider
a Re-doing
Each Exile-rescue is unique.
Satisfying outcomes depend on all subselves involved feeling safe enough
before and during the
process. Keep in mind that parts living in the past really don’t know about your
current world, and will probably reject any description of it. If
they’re endlessly recycling one or more old traumas, you may have to
re-do one or more scenarios first to
free them to migrate to the present.
A
veteran parts-work client I’ll call Sylvia
became aware of an inner child about five years old who was stuck on a vacation lake
beach, watching helplessly as her drunken father tried to drown her mother.
She (the Exile) relived the terror of that moment over and over. This
incident had actually occurred to Sylvia as a girl 26 years ago. To begin rescuing her little one, Sylvia planned a re-doing, and
"went inside."
She (her Self) took her
no-nonsense
part (a Regular), her present (large!) man-friend, a
part, and me back
to the vividly-remembered beach. Her assertive, confidant Adult Woman
subself took charge of re-doing the incident, stopping the father’s assault,
bringing the mother (and father) safely to the beach, and calming the five year
old. The rest of us were backup.
Later, Sylvia brought her
little one ("Nina") to her present-day
home to meet and join her previously- unknown companion parts. The little
girl was
dumbfounded at first, and then (temporarily)
with relief and
wonder. The recurring memories of the trauma and associated feelings faded
away.
Rescuing: 5)
Brief
All Subselves and Rescue the Exile
At each
rescue step along the
way, keep all subselves informed of what you're doing, and why. Pay attention
to any suggestions or anxieties they have. If your circumstances warrant,
call one or more inner councils
to plan or
discuss a rescue. Recall: your Self or a trusted delegate is in charge of
such councils and every rescue.
| Imagine what it would feel
like if you were small, alone, scared, ashamed, lonely, and hopeless. A
gentle, kindly adult
appears "out of nowhere" and says "Come with me now to a wonderful place where you’ll always feel safe and
loved and comfortable." Would you do it? |
Often it can reassure distrusting
Exiles if you gently invite them to visit the present with you first -
taking anything the want with them they need to link them with
"home." After they’ve explored your safe haven, and perhaps met
some of your other subselves, Exiles' anxieties will usually subside.
Inner Kids may
not understand the concept of "time" or "years." Before
a rescue, it may help them realize what’s happening if you show them a
calendar, and explain that each Earth trip around the sun is a
"year." Be patient as they grapple with the concept of coming to
live in a different time. One client found it helpful before a rescue to
show his Exile the cemetery where his mother was presently buried.
He
physically visited her grave. His young subself who lived in the past had been convinced that
his mother was still alive and couldn’t be abandoned. Frequently, exiled
parts feel a strong sense of duty to younger siblings or infirm relatives
who "live with them". They need to build trust that those
dependent beings will be OK if they leave.
Note that
logic and common sense do not pertain,
here.
Before migrating, ask your
target Exile whether s/he wants to say goodbye to anyone or anything in their present
home-place. Patiently and respectfully help them to do that. See if s/he wants to bring
anything special. Reassure the part that s/he can come back to visit
any time s/he wants. Demonstrate that, if it helps to build the Exile's
trust and courage.
Treat each of these rescue steps as a valuable investment in a
satisfying outcome, and take your time.
Be alert for your
and your
trying to
rush the process.
Some rescues are planned or
spontaneous single events. Others unfold in stages. One sexually-abused
client’s young Exile revealed itself living under a bed in the woman’s
past. It had no body trunk - just arms, legs, and a head. The first rescue
step was to find her body, and reunite it with her limbs and head. The next
was to peek into the kitchen (of the house in the past), to see that her
feared Grandmother wasn’t there.
Next, my client’s Self took her young
Exile into the back yard garden, which had only been seen through the bedroom
window before - never visited. Then her anxious Vulnerable part hesitantly
agreed to try a "vacation trip" into the present. She toured the
client's present home with wonder, met some other subselves (and a pet cat),
and eventually
agreed to come to live there. The whole multi-step rescue took several weeks
(1-hour sessions each week, with solo work in between).
Self-leadership, patience, faith, and
optimism are keys.
Rescues become easier with
practice. My experience is that adults who were greatly traumatized as
kids often have a group of Exiles. One such client courageously did over a
dozen rescues
over time. Other people have one or several parts living in the traumatizing
past. I’ve never
experienced an Exile that wasn’t young (infant through teen). Kids' typical
seem to know the past and the present, and move back and forth
between them. Those
that do so are not trapped and need no rescuing.
We just reviewed another powerful
parts-work technique - rescuing, or time travel. Notice your
self-talk now - do your dominant subselves feel this technique is reasonable
and useful? Are you motivated to try this powerful technique and
benefit from it? If not - who is in the way, and what does s/he (or they)
need?
Continue general parts-work techniques
with "Resolving
Parts Conflicts."
Do you need a break first?
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