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- assess for psychological wounds, and
reduce them |
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An Overview of
Family Project 1
- p. 1 of 2
Assess for false-self wounds,
and
reduce them as needed
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/01/project01.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
This article
outlines the first of
that
men and women can take to
protect against five common relationship
These projects are not (directly) related to the well-known
12
addiction-recovery steps. This project applies to
anyone, not just co-parents.
To get the most from this article, first
study this slide presentation on the
[wounds + unawareness] cycle that silently
stresses many relationships, families, and organizations. If
you have trouble viewing the slides, see
this text
article.
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This keystone Project is based on
the premise that normal
are composed
of semi-independent
or
parts. If this is a new idea to you, read this
overview with an open mind, and return.
If you're skeptical about personality subselves controlling normal
(vs. "mentally ill") adults and kids, try this safe, interesting
exercise, and then read this
letter. Then return here.
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PROJECT 1)
Adults Check for
False-self Wounds
Why? Because
conservatively, 80% of over 1,000 typical women and men I've met
professionally since 1981 have clear symptoms
of major psychological
from
early-childhood
years. The wounds stem from being controlled by a well-meaning
Until recognized and reduced,
false-self dominance and up to five related wounds...
relentlessly degrade
key relationships
(like marriage), and
personal productivity and success; and they...
psychologically wound
dependent kids,
continuing the unintended ancestral
This divorce-prevention
Web site calls
significantly-wounded adults
or GWCs. Lay literature calls us
Adult Children (of childhood trauma, toxic parents, or
family
This keystone project effectively combats two of five
major
of widespread family stress and divorce: (a)
adults' combined psychological
wounds and (b) their
of personal and
family nurturance (need
fulfillment). To
get an idea of these five
stressors in action, read this real stepfamily
example
and return.
Psychological wounding from childhood nurturance-deprivation
has gotten increasing clinical and lay
attention and credibility since the early 1980's. It's new enough to have
not permeated much of our cultural consciousness, or affected average
parenting norms and goals yet.
Scan these
summaries of several important research studies that validate the
premises here.
Project
1 Goals
1) Each
courting or committed co-parent learn some core
concepts. Using
12 worksheets or equivalent, each prospective or
committed partner
themselves, their
mate, and their kids' other bioparents
honestly for
This is
not to see if anyone is crazy, sick, or bad!
2)
If
you have significant wounds...
research, evolve, and
commit to a
personal
(healing) program, to
empower your wise true Self to
lead the team of
that
comprise your
and...
work to prevent, and assess and heal, similar
wounds in any kids in your life;
and...
appeal to your kids' other co-parent/s to do similar
wound-checks, for everyone's sakes.
Goal 3) If your partner
has significant wound-symptoms, show
him or her these ideas and materials, and appeal to her/him to join you in researching and
committing to
this keystone first project. If you're
courting and s/he's resistant, uninterested, or ambivalent,
Goal 4) Long-term: if you identify as a Grown
Wounded Child (GWC), put personal wound-recovery and
high in your life priorities. Work courageously
and patiently over time to gain those, for you and your kids. The
rewards are
life-long, and beyond price!
Typical co-parents like you can reach these Project-1 goals by taking...
Five Main Steps
Do this
project even if you're already in some form of personal healing. Developing
a high-nurturance family over time depends on your
co-parents and each of your kids being
wholistically-healthy enough. Part of this project is learning how to
(compassionately) assess partners and kids for
signs of significant
false-self
and learning your
if you need
them.
1) Prepare...
Read
the five reasons for re/divorce, noting what's said about
"Grown Wounded Children;"
Review the
~30 traits of high-nurturance
families.
Then clarify your opinion of...
"What's the
purpose of a
healthy
family? Why does it exist?"
"What's the
of
my family? What are
we trying to accomplish, long term?"; and...
"What does it take, specifically, to make a
successful
family, over time?" Next...
Read
What's a Grown Wounded Child? and
What It Means to be Ruled by a False self,
and note
your
reactions. Then...
Read this
brief historical perspective on your inner
family of subselves (personality). Then read this
example of a real stepfamily affected by
inner wounds. If you're still skeptical
about subselves, try this safe experience, and read this
letter.
Then...
Review these
titles about "Adult Children" (Grown Wounded Children), so you have an initial sense of
other resources. Now...
Review this
summary comparison of common true-Self and.
false-self behaviors. Then...
Thoughtfully
fill out this two-page worksheet of
general behavioral traits of people ruled by a false self.
Whether you feel you may be wounded or not, look more closely...
Step 2)
Assess Yourself for Wounds
Even if you're already in
personal recovery, use
11 more checklists and related resources
to
for symptoms of
false-self wounds. Consider using objective professional help to guard
against self-protective denials and
These
self-assessment checklists explore for....
-
your childhood
family's
nurturance
traits,
-
family-tree symptoms of wounded
ancestors and low emotional/spiritual nurturance,
-
common
behaviors of members of
high-nurturance groups,
-
common behavioral symptoms of
excessive
excessive
problems
with
reality
and
blocks;
and...
-
common traits of
a
potentially serious form of relationship
which is a
reliable symptom of false-self wounds.
Note that
the protective
of
significantly-wounded people will often propose convincing reasons to
avoid, sabotage, or discount this self-evaluation project, and/or
minimize, rationalize, or ignore your results.
From this assessment, if
you identify as being often controlled by a false self, then take
steps like
these, over time...
Research
current knowledge and
resources about personal healing. There are many!
Adopt the open
mind of a student, and a long-range perspective. True
recovery evolves over many years. It's a process, not an event.
Develop
and implement a personal healing (recovery) strategy to (a) restore
your true Self to inner-family (personality)
and (b)
reduce each of your related psychological
over
time. As you do...
Build
recovery supports:
Selectively tell safe (non-shaming) family members and friends of
your inner-wound learnings and goals, and ask their help in your
recovery. Expect a range of reactions, including congratulations,
indifference, criticism, anxiety, and defensiveness. Reassure
yourself and them - this
project is not about
blaming early caregivers or their ancestors!
As you gain
familiarity with the wounds, their impacts, and recovery options...
 Concluded
on page 2
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Updated
June 18, 2008
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