If
some of these items don’t merit a clear yes or no
answer, consider using a scale of one to five to indicate the degree of
"trueness" or "falseness."
- As I prepare to fill out this checklist,
I'm
of...
- and I believe that
as far as emotional and spiritual
nurturance,
my birthfamily was (check one):
_ very low
nurturance / _ fairly low / _ neither / _ fairly high
/ _ very high
nurturance
Traits 1-
22 of a
High-nurturance Family
If you're rating a group, substitute "group" for "family," and "leader/s" for
"co-parent/s" below.
me/you
__ __ 1)
All
family adults are usually
by their
or they are committed to admitting and helping each
other reducing any significant false-self
in themselves and each other.
__ __ 2)
Family adults discuss, teach, and live from (model) a thoughtful, shared
family
or vision statement - i.e. they agree on realistic long-range goals for
themselves and their descendents.
__ __ 3)
All family members
feel basically good about themselves
and each other - i.e.
they have high mutual and self respect most of the time.
__ __
4) All members usually feel
safe to
express
and assert their current thoughts, feelings, perceptions, opinions, and
spontaneously, without fear of being scorned,
ignored, attacked, or shunned. This includes feeling safe to respectfully disagree with
family leaders, supporters, and other members.
__ __ 5)
The balance between
kids', mates', and whole-family activities is generally satisfying enough
to all members, often enough.
__ __ 6)
Family adults are committed to
learning, modeling, and using effective
and
skills in and between their homes and with other people.
__ __ 7)
Family
problems (unmet and/or conflicting
are discussed
honestly
and promptly, and are usually
rather than being denied,
ignored, deferred, debated, or endlessly rehashed.
__ __ 8)
Resident co-parents are
clearly and consistently in charge of each family home, without dependents feeling
smothered, over-controlled, ignored, or afraid to be themselves. Everyone is clear on who is running the family, and everyone
usually trusts the leader/s' decisions.
__ __ 9)
Each family member has
(a) stable
with wholistically-healthy
friends (Grown Nurtured Children, or GNCs), and (b) regular satisfying activities outside the family, vs. being socially isolated.
Kids’ and adults’ friends move freely in and out of the family's home, feeling
welcomed, valued, and respected by all members; without violating family or
individual privacies and
__ __ 10)
All family members usually feel
valued, and
listened to (vs. agreed with) by each other, even during conflicts and
crises.
__ __ 11)
Children usually trust their
primary caregivers to (a) consistently and genuinely care about their major
needs, fears,
and hurts; and to (b) protect them effectively, vs. minimizing, ignoring, or
increasing needs, fears,
and hurts.
__ __ 12)
Each family child and adult feels safe, appreciated, enjoyed, supported, and
(i.e. loved)
unconditionally, enough of the time; (Take your time with this
one!)
__ __ 13)
Kids feel that their caregivers and
siblings are basically happy and secure enough, regardless of
current situational health, work, financial, security, or relationship problems
(unfilled or conflicted needs).
__ __ 14)
Household
and consequences
are clear, appropriate, timely, and consistent enough for everybody.
Child discipline
is "firmly flexible," aims to teach vs. punish (cause pain, guilt,
and shame), and is usually enforced consistently, promptly, and
lovingly. Co-parents are usually united in explaining, modeling, and setting
behavioral limits, and providing
and enforcing consequences.
__ __ 15)
Adults are often open to
hearing
and considering constructive feedback and new ideas about family functioning from
all family members and knowledgeable others. Even when feeling criticized,
family leaders are
usually able to
to the upset person/s, vs. attack, defend, explain, pull
rank, or leave.
__ __ 16)
Genuine (vs. dutiful or
manipulative) praise, appreciation, and encouragement are
spontaneous exchanged
often among all family members and with others. Adults and
kids are comfortable receiving and acknowledging compliments without false
modesty.
__ __ 17)
Family
members feel comfortable exchanging
(home
and family responsibilities) within their abilities - e.g. kids may plan and make some meals, or various people may do the
laundry, without excessive griping. A basic feeling
of spontaneous (vs. dutiful, political, or fear-based)
and co-operation exists most of the time
in and between family homes.
__ __ 18)
Individual and family
humor, play, and
kidding are spontaneous, have no major hidden agendas or
and
usually feel balanced enough with serious times.
__ __ 19)
All adults and older kids
take responsibility - and credit - for their own choices and actions, vs.
blaming, mind-reading,
feeling
by, or
compulsively "rescuing"
each other.
__ __ 20)
The welfare and activities of each family
member are usually of real interest and appropriate concern to other
members. All members are regularly open to discussion and
confrontation, without smothering
Family
and dignity is highly valued by everyone, and all
members spontaneously feel family commitment, loyalty, and pride
(vs. shame,
scorn, or
indifference), without losing their personal identity, values,
rights, goals, and boundaries.
__ __ 21)
Interpersonal conflict and
confrontations happen spontaneously and real-time. They're generally supportive,
mutually respectful, and constructive, rather than blameful, rageful, shaming, belittling,
or manipulative. Minor kids can safely confront the adults, as well as the
reverse. Such confrontations often result in
and effective
vs. justifying,
arguing, blaming, explaining, whining, debating, defocusing,
counterattacking, condescending, pretending, withdrawing, or ignoring.
__ __ 22)
There are no major taboos or
(e.g.
miscarriages, abortions, desertions,
crimes, job losses, incest, bankruptcies,
illnesses,
about the
current family or relatives or ancestors. There is no rule that says "We
don't talk about that in our family."
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and notice your
Have you ever done a
family or group assessment like this before?
Continue
this checklist
with high-nurturance-family (or group) traits 23-31, and evaluate
your results.
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