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The Web address of this two-page checklist is http://sfhelp.org/01/w3-f-tree.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

       This is one of 12 Project-1 checklists which give you a way to assess if you or someone you care about is (a) ruled by a false self, (b) carrying up to five related psychological wounds, and (c) denying the wounds' toxic impacts on you and any kids and prized relationships.

        After 29 years' clinical research, I believe that co-parents' assessing for and healing from psychological wounds is the first of 12 vital tasks that promote long-term family success. Do all 12 checklists before drawing any conclusions, to offset the odds that a protective (fearful) false self will skew your results on two or three checklists.

 Basic Premises

        Read these out loud, slowly, and notice any thoughts and feelings as you do...

• Some families provide higher nurturance (fill more true physical + emotional + spiritual + mental needs) for kids and adults than others.

• In a significantly low-nurturance environment, kids' emotional/spiritual development can be slowed, distorted, or blocked. Most such kids automatically develop a personality ruled by Vulnerable and Guardian subselves to survive, but don't thrive. Long-term, their wholistic health and longevity is at risk.

• My professional experience with over 1,000 typical Midwestern-U.S. client-families since 1981 suggests that over 80% of typical divorcing-family and stepfamily co-parents seem to be dominated by a false self - and they don't (want to) know it (denial), or what it means.

• Family trees of significantly- wounded people have specific traits (or more of them) than trees of unwounded people. Some traits (below) are symptoms of early-childhood caregivers' wounds, and others are traumas that cause such wounds.

• Because of parents' unawareness and psychological wounds, low-nurturance childhoods tend to reproduce and spread down the generations, until a courageous adult breaks their denials, and intentionally stops the ancestral cycle via intentional personal recovery.   

   
 Checklist Directions

        Take a true-Self check: "I feel a mix of centered, grounded, peacefiul, alert, awake, "up," "light," focused, purpseful, resilient, realistic, compassionate, serene, calm, strong, and clear, so my true Self is probably leading my inner family." If you don't feel such a mix now, expect skewed results from this worksheet.

        Get a large piece of blank paper, like two 8.5" x 11" sheets taped together on the long edge. On it, draw your three or four-generational family tree. Draw this diagram large, for you’ll be making notes all over it. Put names by each symbol. Include all the DNA-related (living and dead) people you know of in your family, and those of your current mate, their former mate (if any), and your former mate (if any).

       Reserve at least 45" of undistracted time. Honestly and thoughtfully, note on the diagram each probable or sure instance of any of the traits below. The more time and care you take, the clearer your results will be. Stay clear that this wound-assessment worksheet is about growing your compassionate awareness, not about blaming anyone!

        The table of traits below is illustrative, not comprehensive. If you think of ancestral traits that aren't listed, include them. "Chronic" below means "repeated." You may wish to spend several days or weeks researching your family tree to fill this worksheet out. Option: make this a group project with one or more interested relatives.

        If you think an ancestor may have had one of these traits but you aren't sure, add it to your diagram with a question mark. The wound-traits and traumas are organized in these groups:

• Child-related traumas and symptoms,

• Relationship traumas and symptoms,

• Health-related traumas and symptoms,

• Behavioral wound-symptoms,

• Social, financial, and legal trauma, and...

• Other traumas or symptoms 

       Deciding what is an "excessive" trait in an ancestor or relative is a subjective decision. To improve the objectivity of your research here, ask knowledgeable others (e.g. other kin, close family friends, involved health professionals) to reality-check your opinions about the existence of any trait you’re unsure of. The more traumatic the trait, the more intense a reaction you'll probably get.

       The common thread among these family-tree factors is that they may have resulted from, and/or promoted developing a protective false self in young children. This in turn causes mixes of excessive fears, shame, guilts, dis/trust, rage, reality distortions, and possibly difficulty feeling and/or bonding with other people. These common false-self wounds hinder healthy wholistic growth, and promote relationship, work, financial, and legal problems; "failures;" and a downward spiral of chronic self-wounding experiences over time.

        Significantly-wounded children usually grow into adults unaware of their wounds and false selves. They tend to choose wounded partners repeatedly, or they never form a committed relationship. Two wounded parents tend to unconsciously reproduce a low-nurturance home, which fosters false-self wounds in their kids, and passes the unseen cycle down the generations. Awareness and patient, self-motivated recovery from false-self dominance can stop this toxic bequest.

Alert: if you are significantly wounded, you're likely to unconsciously minimize or deny some or many of these family-tree traits. Also, traumas or traits like these can be (shameful) family secrets, and you may never have been told about them.

        In general, the more of these items someone's parents and/or other ancestors had, the higher the odds that significant false-self wounds passed on to the next generation. Keep in mind that some of these items are traumas that may or may not promote wounds, and some are wound-symptoms that promote traumas and more wounds. Also note that this is not an exhaustive list.

        Recall: this is one of 12 false-self symptom worksheets. When you finish this, continue your assessment process and/or study...

• "scoring" your results,

• wound-recovery,

• other Project-1 articles, or...

• recovery-related books - starting with the Project-1 guidebook Who's Really Running Your Life? (Xlibris, 2002, second ed.)

        Pause, breathe, and reflect: recall why you did this family-tree assessment. How would you describe your reactions to doing it? Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need to do now? If not - what do you need?

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