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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/7skills.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        Adults and kids communicate with others to fill current primary needs. This article summarizes seven powerful communication skills anyone can learn to help them fill their daily needs better. Few people (like you) were ever taught the skills, and are used to trying to fill their needs without them. They don't know what they don't know. Family Project 2 in this Web site provides many resources to improve your thinking and communicating outcomes.

        To gauge what you know about communicating effectively, take this quiz. Then read this overview of communication basics when you're not distracted - slides or text.

        This article assumes you're familiar with these ideas:

• the premises underlying this nonprofit site

• normal personality subselves (like yours) - slides or text

• rown Wounded Children (GWCs) and what being a GWC means

• this perspective on surface and primary needs

• the [wounds + unawareness] cycle that stresses many average families - slides or text, and...

• options for breaking this cycle in your family and community.

Perspective

        Communication occurs when the perceived behavior of one person causes a mental, spiritual, emo-tional, and/or physical reaction in another person. It's instinctual behavior living things learn to use to re-duce current discomforts (fill current needs) with other living things. People who want to learn how to think, communicate, and problem-solve effectively are more successful at...

• consistently filling their and other peoples' current needs well enough, and...

• building satisfying, high-nurturance relationships and groups (like families), and...

• raising self-confident, independent, wholistically-healthy children.

        Despite these major benefits, few people in our culture study communication basics or teach them to their kids. Reality check - how many people you know could answer most of the questions on the quiz you took? Could the adults who raised you answer them? On a scale of one (ineffective) to 10 (consistently effective), how good are you at communicating in __ calm and __ conflictual situations?

        Even with relevant knowledge, psychological wounds from low-nurturance childhoods make effective communication difficult. Family Project 1 in this Web site is about detecting and reducing these wounds, so Projects 1 and 2 work together.

Premises

Effective (vs. good, or open and honest) communication happens when each person involved feels they...

• got their current primary needs met well enough, 

• in a way that feels good enough to them - e.g. respectfully, honestly, and directly.

Any self-motivated adult guided by their true Self can...

• learn communication basics,

• grow fluency in seven effective-communication (relationship) skills,

• learn how and when to use the skills with adults, kids, and their dynamic personality subselves, and...

• model and teach the basics and skills their kids.

        Can you name the seven skills out loud? If not, (which is common), you're probably not using them or modeling and teaching them to any kids in your life. If you don't - who will?

Seven Essential Relationship Skills

        Each of these learnable skills builds on the prior ones, so the order counts...

• inner, environmental, and communication-process awareness

• digging down below surface needs to discern current primary needs

• clear (vs. fuzzy, unfocused) thinking

• empathic listening - "hearing with your heart"

• metatalk - talking cooperatively about communicating

• effective assertion, and...

• win-win problem-solving.

        How many average adults do you think could name and describe each of these skills now? Click the bold links below for more detail on each one.

SKILL 1)  Awareness

        This foundation skill is learning to become conscious of what's happening (a) now and (b) over time...

• inside me (self awareness),

• inside you (empathy),

• between us (process awareness), and...

• around us (environmental awareness).

        Professional communicators and counselors seek awareness of over 40 factors in these four zones. Other adults and kids can benefit significantly by learning to notice under 10 factors in important social situations. Unlike older cultures living closer to nature, our hyperactive, over-stimulating society discour-ages appreciating and practicing these awarenesses.

        Use awareness (a) in any important social situation, and (b) with your team of subselves (internal awareness) when you have significant stresses. Awareness is required for all six other skills.

SKILL 2)  Dig Down...

        ...below surface problems (unmet needs) to identify each partner's current primary needs. Use this skill with awareness in significant internal and interpersonal conflicts and crises. Mastery of this essential relationship ability depends on living from your true Self + steady four-zone awareness + knowledge of core personal, relationship, spiritual, and communication needs. Awareness and the results of digging down are inputs to metatalk, assertion, and problem-solving skills

SKILL 3)  Clear (vs. Fuzzy) Thinking

        This essential talent combines three factors. In important situations...

stay aware of, and focused on, current (vs. past or future) primary needs until all communi-cation partners feel they got their needs met well enough; and...

intentionally build and use a vocabulary to describe your perceptions, feelings, and needs, and...

intentionally avoid...

vague and ambivalent terms like this, that, it, they, them, those people, stuff, this whole thing, deal with, cope with, work through, get past it, take care of, handle, everyone, sort of, pretty soon, sometime, trouble, this problem, this issue, always, never, etc.; and avoid...

"hand-grenade" (emotionally provocative) terms like rape, stupid, weak, abuse, insensitive, dumb, childish, crybaby, immature, wimp, fag, nigger, kike, fairy, bully, selfish, fault, liar, control freak, homo, loser, winner, failure, asshole, bitch, bastard, pathetic, brainless, etc.

        Clear thinking requires wanting to be conscious (aware) of your and other people's thinking in impor-tant situations and over time. Use awareness and this skill in (a) significant internal conflicts and stress, and (b) all significant relationships and social situations.

SKILL 4) Empathic Listening

        As Dr. Stephen Covey says, learn to "listen with your heart" (vs. your head). Empathy is sensing  accurately and objectively what another person is feeling, thinking, and needing now, without losing your self-awareness and boundaries. Communication effectiveness soars when each person wants to listen empathically - knowing that this does not necessarily mean they agree with their partner/s. 

        This vital skill has also been called reflective and active listening and mirroring, since the listener intentionally "reflects back" brief, nonjudgmental impressions of what the speaker is saying and feeling, from time to time. Do you do this with important people?

        Popular alternatives to empathic listening include lecturing, interrupting, monologing, moralizing, ad-vising, preaching, threatening, blaming, ignoring, tuning out, withdrawing, explaining, interrogating, and changing the subject. See any favorites? These and other blocks always hinder effective communication!

        Intentionally grow the habit of using awareness and empathic listening ("hearing checks") in all im-portant social and subself interactions!

       Recall - we're reviewing seven essential effective-communication skills anyone can learn to practice.

SKILL 5)  Respectful Assertion...

       ...is identifying and calmly stating what you believe and/or need from another person in a way they can hear you clearly. Alternatives are submission (sacrificing your needs, values, and perhaps integrity to please another person) and aggression (forcing your needs on another person, regardless of their current needs). Three kinds of assertion are preventive (avoid a problem), confrontive (when there is a problem), and "dodge-proof" praise.

        Effective assertion requires...

• your true Self to lead your other subselves (personality), and...

• present-moment clarity on your personal rights and primary needs, and...

• a genuine mutual-respect (=/=) attitude, and stable two-person awareness bubble; and...

• fluency in (at least) the four skills above.

Do you have these priceless treasures yet? Did your childhood caregivers? Do your children?

SKILL 6) Metatalk

        Meta-thinking is thinking about thinking. Meta-dancing is dancing about dancing. Meta-writing is writing about writing. Meta-talking is talking cooperatively about how you're communicating (your process), vs. what you're talking about (your content). Growing this skill involves using awareness and evolving a vocabulary of communication-process terms to identify and resolve significant communication blocks.

        Examples of metatalk terms: flooding, interrupting, interjecting, eye contact, assuming, double messages, defocusing, feedback, venting, distracting, bipolar (black-white) thinking, "I-messages",
R(espect)-messages, E(motion)-levels, communication needs, primary needs, second-order change, fuzzy thinking, assuming (mind reading), and mind-racing.

        Prerequisites for effective metatalk include:

• your true Self leading your other subselves,

• knowledge of communication basics,

• a genuine mutual-respect (=/=) attitude and a stable two-person awareness bubble; and...

• awareness, clear thinking, and empathic-listening skills.

        Use awareness and metatalk when you need to identify and resolve a significant communication problem among subselves and/or people. Exchanging respectful "meta-comments" is the second step (after awareness) in using all seven skills to resolve communication problems. Review these phrases to get a sense of metatalk in action, and use this worksheet to help design effective meta-comments.

SKILL 7)  Win-win Problem-solving (Conflict Resolution)

. All people have fluctuating needs - i.e. emotional, physical, and spiritual discomforts. Implication: being "needy" is normal and healthy, not weak or bad! Problems are unfilled needs. "Problem sol-ving" means "filling current needs well enough."  This powerful skill uses all six other skills to...

• identify each person's current primary and communication needs, and...

• creatively brainstorm acceptable need-filling compromises, as...

• mutually-respectful (=/=) teammates, vs. adversaries.

        Consistent success at problem-solving requires Self-leadership + patience + a genuine mutual-respect attitude + comfortable acceptance of mutual personal rights + a stable two-person awareness bubble + fluency with all six other skills.

        Common alternatives to win-win problem-solving are fighting or arguing, withdrawing, manipulating,   postponing, defocusing, blaming, giving up or in,  getting sick, threatening, explaining, defending, whining, numbing or spacing out, and/or playing "hot potato" ("You fill my needs! "No, you fill mine!").

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - have you ever seen these seven powerful relationship skills in one place before? Do you know anyone who uses all seven skills consistently and effectively? Can you imag-ine what would change in our society if all kids were taught to use these skills?

Status Check

        See how you feel about what you just read: T = "true;" F = "false," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on...," or (something else).

1)  (a) I'm very clear on when my Self (capital "S") guides my other subselves, and (b) s/he's leading them right now. (T  F  ?)

2)  I can clearly describe the two factors required for communication effectiveness.  (T  F  ?)

3)  I agree that communicating effectively is essential for getting my personal and social needs met every day (T  F  ?)

4)  I now communicate effectively enough in (a) calm and (b) conflictual situations with the people who mean the most to me (T  F  ?)

5)  I can now clearly describe (a) each of the seven communication skills in this summary and (b) when to best-use each of them, to an average teenager; or I'm strongly motivated to learn and use the skills now (T  F  ?)

6)  I can clearly describe (a) what family Project 2 in this Web site is, and why it's vital in all families and organizations; and (b) I'm committed to working on it patiently at least several times a week now (T  F  ?)

7)  I (a) understand and (b) agree that "thinking" is really communication among my talen-ted team of personality subselves, so (c) I agree that these seven skills are useful within me as well as with other people. (T  F  ?)

8)  I'm motivated to (a) model and teach the young people in my life about these seven skills now, and to (b) coach and affirm them as they learn to use the skills in their own way.
(T  F  ?)

9)  I'm (a) clear on why I read this article, and (b) I got enough of what I needed. (T  F  ?)

        If you can't spontaneously describe these seven skills to another person, you're probably not using them. That means you're probably used to filling your daily primary needs far less often than you could! It also means you're not modeling and teaching the skills to the children in your life...

 Recap

        This series of articles exists because few average lay and clinical people seem to know what they need to know to communicate effectively. The article offers perspective on, and a summary of, seven es-sential communication (relationship) skills that any motivated adult or older child can learn to use in order to fill their daily needs much more effectively - and to help others do the same. The unique guidebook Satisfactions integrates all the Project 2 Web articles and worksheets here. 

        Note that the second of two requisites for effective thinking and communicating is progress reducing any significant false-self wounds from a traumatic childhood. Project 1 here offers a practical way to do that.

Options... study and practice one of these seven skills every week and see what happens learn how to map (diagram) a communication sequence, study these common communication blocks, tips, and useful phrases; and... learn how to give others effective feedback; and/or... learn from these examples of lose-lose and win-win talk between a typical couple, fill out this inventory of your communication strengths, improve your communication with typical adults and kids, or... see the Project-2 links and reading list for more practical resources

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else? 

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