Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Your Personal Assertion Profile What's your style? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/assert-profile.htm

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        This is one of a series of Web pages on seven communication skills that anyone can learn and use to fill primary needs consistently and promote satisfying high-nurturance relationships. Doing this is family Project 2 of 12.

Living things communicate to fill current physical, emotional, and spiritual needs - i.e. to reduce current discomforts. Assertion is the learnable skill of expressing what you feel, think, and need in a way that your communication partner can hear (understand) you clearly. Hearing does not mean the other person agrees with you. Respectful assertion is essential for effective problem solving.

        The alternatives to effective assertion are submission (putting others' needs before yours) and aggression (putting your needs ahead of others' needs). Which of these three best describes your typical behavior? Would other people who know you agree?

        To get the most from this worksheet, Read the communication-basics overview and the outline of assertion skill first. Options - also see:

• This example of a Bill of Personal Rights - an essential for effective assertion;

• This Nathaniel Branden reprint on the power of positive esteem;

• These options for giving effective feedback and respectful meta-comments to a partner;

• This perspective on the psychological wounds of excessive shame, guilt, and fears, which often hinder effective assertion;

• This perspective on noticing whose needs come first in key communications;

• This overview of how to map (diagram) a typical communication sequence with a partner to raise your awareness of inner and social dynamics and outcomes; and...

• This two-person assertion-skill practice.

        Print this and take ~ 20" of undistracted time to reflect on the questions with an open mind.

       The aim here is to raise your awareness, not to compete or blame yourself or another person. Repeat the profile with as many people as you wish, and then decide if you want to do something with your results. To start, decide who's guiding your inner family (personality) - your true Self or other well-meaning subselves (a "false self"). If the latter is true, your results may be distorted.

        For perspective, think of someone you feel is usually an effective asserter in calm and stressful situations. Then think of another person you feel is not very effective at asserting her or his needs and opinions As you fill this out, keep one or two important people in mind with whom you'd like to assert effectively.

  My Assertion Profile

1)  I define "being assertive" as…

 

 

2)  I believe assertion is effective when…

 

3)  For me, the difference between assertion and aggression is…

 

4)  People I respect as consistently effective asserters are (names):

 

5)  The main messages I got from my childhood caregivers about asserting my needs and opinions were…

 

6)  On an assertion scale of 1 (very ineffective) to 10 (very effective), I’d honestly rate myself a ___ in non-conflictual situations; and a ___ in conflictual situations.

7)  Someone I have significant trouble asserting with is ________________________

Because…

 

 

8)  Think of an important relationship with an adult or child, and assess both of you...

• Recently, I experience me in our relationship as usually being…

_  Very submissive  / _ Somewhat submissive (lose / lose)

_  Respectfully assertive (win / win)

_  Somewhat aggressive  / _ Very aggressive (win / lose)

• I've been experiencing this person as usually being...

_  Very submissive  / _ Somewhat submissive (lose / lose)

_  Respectfully assertive (win / win)

_  Somewhat aggressive  / _ Very aggressive (win / lose)

 9)  When my E(motion) level is “above my ears,” the R(espect) message s/he probably gets from me is:

        "Your needs now are…

_ less important   _ just as important    _ more important   than mine."

10)  When this person's E-level is “above their ears,” the R-message I usually get is "Your needs now are…

_ less important   _ just as important    _ more important   than mine."

11)  When I'm assertive with this person, s/he...

 

• and I…

 

12)  Key topics or needs that I often have trouble asserting to this person are…

  

• because…

 

13)  If I was more assertive with this person on these key needs, our relationship would…

 

14)  I'd be more assertive with this person if…

 

 

15)  If s/he was more assertive with me (on what issues?), our relationship would…

 

 

16)  An adult or a child that I’d like to assert more effectively with is ___________________

• A topic or problem I'd like to be more assertive about, with them is:

  

• When I've brought up this problem with this person, what are several typical reactions ("resistances") they give me? Examples: changing the subject / avoidance / defensiveness / generalizing  / monologing  / intellectualizing  / indifference / lecturing  /  withdrawing  / shutting down / cooperative problem solving / brainstorming…
  
  
  
• How have I normally responded to these resistances?
  
  
  
  
• An assertive "I" message I could use to be more effective here is…

 "When you... (specific recordable behavior)

"I... (specific effect on you)... 

"(optional) and I need you to... (do something specific)

+ + +

Thoughts / Learnings …

 

         Is there someone you want to discuss this profile with, and/or ask them to fill it out?

Review this assertion practice, or scan the Project-2 link-index to choose another article of interest. Option - if there are minor kids in your life, study this series on effective child discipline with what you learned here in mind...

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you use this profile? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need?

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Updated  October 01, 2008