Continued from
page 1...
Me/You
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__ Block 16)
Generalizing
can hinder understanding and effective problem solving.
"You're always insensitive and inconsiderate!" will probably be received differently than
"I'm mad and frustrated because you're 40 minutes late and I missed my ride!"
"You
always..."
or "You never..." can imply the receiver is
(inferior), and invite her or him to feel
and defensive about many past
events as well as the present one. Normal responses to this block are
losing interest and defocusing,
and/or counterattacking - unless the receiver needs to stay superficial.
If your Self (capital "S") is in
charge, mutual respect and focused awareness, metatalk,
and assertion may reduce this block ("When you often generalize
by saying 'never' or 'always,' I feel frustrated, resentful, and my mind
wanders." Can you stop generalizing and be more specific?"). A
cooperative response is most likely if the other person is guided by
their true Self.
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__ 17)
Preaching,
moralizing, or advising someone with a problem ("I'm just trying to
help!")
can erode relationships if the receiver just needs to vent (be
respectfully heard and empathically accepted) vs. to be "fixed."
Uninvited "helping" can indicate a false-self compulsion to
and may imply
- I
know how to fix your problem and you don't." Sometimes that's true!
How common it is for over-busy, unaware parents to
"fix" their child's problem before listening carefully, and considering
if the best long-range help would be to encourage the child to
identify and fill her or his own needs! Choosing this option will
build a child's competence and self confidence over time, even if it
frustrates them now.
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__
18)
Partners not knowing the
difference between win-win
and
common lose-lose alternatives like fighting, arguing, threatening,
avoiding, blaming, explaining (defending), preaching, moralizing, monologing, hinting,
whining, numbing out, defocusing, enduring, imposing, submitting,
pretending, and assuming.
Know anyone who does any of these
behaviors? Are you aware
of the behaviors' effects on their serenity and relationships?
When conflicts don't abate, try asking "Are
we problem-solving now, or
doing something else?" Option: in vexing or recurring
situations, try
dissatisfying
communication
to learn what you
two are doing together.
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19) Sarcastic,
critical (vs. affectionate) name-calling erodes the receiver's self-esteem and
the odds for cooperative problem-solving. "You're stupid / lazy / spacey / nuts /
weird / hopeless / a jerk / spastic / brain-dead..." etc.
The
non-verbal version of this block is "the look" that
conveys massive scorn, disgust, indifference, or rejection. If you ever name-call
and/or use
such a look, what happens to (a) your self esteem, (b) the receiver's
self esteem, and (c) your
relationship? Who's current
get met? Frequent
name-calling and/or sarcasm are sure signs of (a) a
(capital "S") and
(b) a one-person
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__
Block
20) Physical or
emotional withdrawal is a powerful communication that may imply "You
scare or overwhelm me" (implied relationship attitude:
or
"I don't care about you and your needs now," ("I'm
superior"). Either
way, the abandoned partner will probably feel hurt and
-
specially if the
withdrawer denies or won't talk about leaving (won't
In resolving this communication block, respectfully explore if the abandoned
person is
unaware of doing something that triggers the withdrawal... ("Ned,
every time I try to say what I need, you interrupt and attack me - so I just shut up
and leave.")
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__ 21)
Threats or
( vs. requests) suggest "My current needs are more
important than yours!" They usually provoke hurt, resentment, defiance, and
everyone feeling badly about themselves and/or the exchange. To
change this, the receiver needs
to (want to) use assertive
- e.g. (with steady eye contact)
"I
feel you're making a demand (or threat) now. When you do that, I feel resentful,
anxious, and
combative. I need you to make your point another way."
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22)
One
person changes the subject (defocuses) repeatedly or suddenly
without asking if their partner is done. This implies that they feel their current needs
and worth are superior to their partner's. When this happens, the receiver's responsibilities
are to
(a)
the defocusing and how it feels, and (b) be
respectfully
about finishing their first topic if s/he needs to. However, the hurtful "You're
inferior"
still hurt...
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__
23)
Hinting or asking
leading (indirect) questions can be OK, or can imply "I don't
trust one
of us to deal squarely with my subject." Having a
hidden agenda
(communication goal) often
results in sending
which usually leave the receiver feeling confused,
suspicious, discounted, and resentful. See block # 3.
Me/You
__
__
Block 24) Habitual
lack
of appropriate eye contact, speaking hesitantly, or constantly apologizing, all
say "I feel
now." This may be OK if the receiver is comfortable
feeling superior. Over time, this pattern promotes loss of respect in both partners
-
which breeds discounting, poor listening, and ineffective communication.
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__ 25)
Habitual nonstop
talking will probably condition regular listeners that nothing is expected of them
- which is what the speaker will probably get. The jabberer's real communication
needs here may be to avoid stressful confrontation, surprises, or intimacy (keep their
partner emotionally distant), and/or to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
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__
26)
The receiving
person may become
("flooded") with information
and/or reactions. If (a) the speaker doesn't pause, or (b) if the receiver doesn't
(ask them to
pause), hearing and effective communication will dwindle. This block often
happens when the speaker...
-
is controlled by a
who
-
has an
"above the ears," and...
-
needs to vent, lecture, or moralize,
-
without caring what the
are (implied R-message: "You're
inferior to me now.").
Restated: flooding happens when the sender
maintains a one-person
Face-to-face, the
receiver can use a hand-gesture (like a finger in each ear) to convey "I'm
flooded, and can't hear you now. Please stop and let me process and/or
respond."
__
__ 27)
Partners
don't
make enough time to talk thoroughly about important
issues. With lives filled with job, parenting, home upkeep, social, and other personal
responsibilities, typical couples (i.e. their ruling subselves) put needed communications low in their day's
Lack of effective discussion takes an eventual toll
on any relationship (adult-adult, adult-child). "We just don't have time" is
false-self
for "Communicating isn't important
(or safe) enough to me / you /
us." Who's
responsible in your relationship for making enough time to communicate?
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__
28) Not checking to see if you
each got your
met in key communication exchanges
-
specially in major disputes. Not checking invites one or both of you assume that the other is satisfied.
If s/he's not, unfilled needs - and distrust in your communication
effectiveness - will
increase. Do you know anyone who routinely asks "Did you get what you needed
from our talk?"
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__
29) Arguing with a partner over unconscious
differences. Research shows typical males and
females differ, often sharply, over which priorities to focus on in an interpersonal
situation. For example, average "female brains" focus on relationships,
cooperation, social harmony, feelings, and understanding, while typical male
brains
instinctively focus on logic, information, "fixing" things, power, and
winning.
Most (all?) of these priorities are biologically-based and
socially reinforced, not right or wrong!
Ideally,
males and females recognize, accept, and use these complementary
differences together, rather than trying to convert each other ("Why can't a woman be more like a man?").
For more perspective on this, see "Brain
Sex," by Ann Moir and David Jessel, and "You
Just Don't Understand - Women and Men in Conversation," by linguist
Deborah Tannen.
__ __ Block 30)
Defensively
that
you're responsible for any of these communication blocks, or
explaining or justifying them ("You make me do that, by..."). This
master communication block is a strong symptom of significant
and false-self
Note the difference between
informing your
partner of a communication problem (implication: "We're equals here")
and
accusing them ("I'm superior").
Begin resolving any of these blocks by asking if your partner is open to
feedback on
their communication behavior or habits. Agree that such feedback doesn't mean "You're bad" or
"I'm right" - it means "I want us both to get more of our
needs met more often." Most of us were never taught
these basics
or the seven
so we're students rather than
wrong!
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31)
(add your own blocks)
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32)
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32)
General Options
