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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/bubble.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your brow-ser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        This article describes a powerful dynamic that shapes the outcome of communication between any two people - regardless of age or gender. Use awareness of this dynamic to avoid and resolve some communication problems. The article assumes you're familiar with these ideas:

• the premises underlying this nonprofit Web site,

• communication basics (slides or text) and skills,

• normal personality subselves (like yours) - slides or text

• premises about self and mutual respect,

• options for improving communication with adults and kids; and...

• how to give effective feedback to another person.

  Awareness "Bubbles"

        Premises: when two or more people (or personality subselves) communicate, each partner uncon-sciously maintains a dynamic "bubble" of awareness (focus). Of three types of bubble, only one pro-motes effective communication by implying genuine mutual respect.

        See which of these four situations best describes typical communication sequences between you and your mate, child, parent, friend, boss, co-worker, etc. Note that focusing on another person does not necessarily mean you empathize or agree with them...

	1)  Each person focuses only on their own needs. Their awareness bub-ble includes only themselves at the moment. Their bubbles may include my thoughts, feelings, body, and needs, or all of these. Either partner may decode this "one-person bubble" as a distracting "1-down" R(es-pect) message from being "ignored" by the other. Frequent 1-person bub-bles suggest a false self is in control.
	2)  One partner focuses on his or her own needs, and the other partner is equally aware of the thoughts, feelings, and needs of each of them - i.e. s/he has a "two-person bubble." When either partner feels ignored (ex-cluded from their partner's bubble), s/he may feel frustrated and disre-spected, and stop listening - tho s/he may pretend otherwise.
	3)  Neither partner is aware of their or their partner's current thoughts, feelings, or communication and other needs. They each focus "some-where else," like the past, the future, or another person, place, idea, or event. As long as neither person needs to feel acknowledged (respected) by the other and/or to make "personal contact," these "non-person bubbles" probably feel mutually OK.

        Wounded, unaware adults and kids often overfocus on their own needs or other people's needs - i.e. they maintain an ineffective 1-person bubble. Reducing inner wounds (family Project 1) automatically pro-motes a more balanced [me + you + us] interpersonal focus in important communications.

        In important personal and business communications, the best option occurs when...

        Do you think that once you become aware of your current and habitual awareness bubbles and need-focuses (mine, yours, ours, or other), you can intentionally learn to have stable two-person bubbles with important adults and kids? What might happen to your key relationships if you decided to coach yourself and invite other people to do this together?

        Noticing and discussing current and chronic awareness bubbles is part of acquiring the powerful communication skills of awareness and metatalk via family Project 2. The practical guidebook for Project 2 combines the key Web articles here: Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2002).

Status Check:  which of these best describes you?

• This awareness-bubble concept has [ little / moderate / great ] potential value to me.

• I am never / rarely / occasionally / often / always aware of my and my partner's focus-bubbles in important communications.

• I am [ never / rarely / occasionally / often / always ] aware of my and my partner's R(espect)-messages in important communications.

• I [ never / rarely / occasionally / often/ always ] maintain a two-person bubble in important social situations.

• I am [ not / moderately / very ] motivated to become more aware of communication bubbles now.

• I want to share this concept now with __________________  (who?)

• My true Self is responding to this status check. (If not, who is?)

Options for Improvement

        What can you do when you and a partner don't share  'two-person" bubbles?  Your options vary with kids and adults. Start with these...

Prerequisites

       First, commit to empowering your true Self (capital "S") to guide your other subselves (personality) in calm and stressful times. Family Project 1 in this nonprofit Web site provides a proven  framework of practical options called parts work to achieve this over time.

        You must want to learn and practice the effective-communication basics and skills in Project 2, over many months. You'll need fluency in these and a steady attitude of genuine mutual respect with all other people to benefit from A-bubbles.

        The foundation skill to develop is communication process awareness  - learning to notice objectively what's going on inside you, inside each current partner, and between you - now and over time. The com-panion skill to evolve is metatalk - learning a special vocabulary to accurately describe the communica-tion dynamics you observe. You were probably never taught these at home, school, or church - partly be-cause your parents and teachers weren't either.

        The third necessary skill is digging down to discern what you and each current communication partner really need now. The common alternative is unconsciously focusing only on current surface needs, and accepting frequent disappointment, frustration and conflict as inevitable and "normal."

        As you become habitually aware of (a) your communication dynamics - including A-bubbles - and (b) what you and your partner each need now, you can use the powerful skills of assertion and empathic listening to negotiate filling your respective needs - as partners. If you develop conflicts as you negotiate, use these five skills plus clear-thinking and win-win problem-solving to fill everyone's main needs well enough - and feel good about how you did that!

        When your Self (capital "S") is usually in charge and you've gained fluency with these skills, you're ready to use A-bubbles to improve communication outcomes. Two ways to do this are learning to improve your awareness, and then learn how to alert adults and old-enough kids to their bubbles. Lets look at each of these briefly.

Continue by reviewing options for improving your "bubbles."

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Updated December 15, 2008