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of
Learn basics and seven skills
to fill everyone's needs |
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Dig Down
Below Surface Problems
to
Identify Your Primary Needs
p. 1 of 4
Four Levels of
Awareness
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
|
 The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/dig-down.htm
This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote
relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief
introduction
describes
the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each
article is part of a
mosaic
of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
This article is one of a
series
describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving.
The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship)
that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving
social conflicts effectively.
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Before continuing, stop and reflect: why are you reading this - what do you
+ + +
This
is the first of four
Web pages about
a vital skill: "digging down" below surface discomforts to
discern
underlying primary needs. These pages offer...
-
some key
premises
about needs and relationship problems,
-
an outline of
four levels of awareness
about any relationship "problem" (unmet needs)
-
three examples of digging down in
typical family problems:
-
10 tips to strengthen your dig-down effectiveness.
Why This Article Exists
I've studied
and taught communication skills for over 40 years. Since 1981, I've listened to
over 1,000 students and therapy clients struggle with a wide range of
personal and social problems (unmet
I've learned that regardless of
and
formal education, average adults don't know
how to solve personal and interpersonal problems (fill needs)
effectively.
They're not
stupid, they're
and
So were their ancestors and most of their
teachers, hero/ines, and supporters. They (you?) have never been taught these
effective-communication basics and skills.
This
article illustrates a common problem-solving
block: people focusing on surface symptoms
of
their underlying primary needs, and not knowing they're doing that. This is like trying to fix a dripping faucet by
painting it, or purging termites by waxing the floor.
To get the most from this article, first study...
What's the Problem?
The answer is based on six premises.
See how you feel about them...
1) Normal
adults and kids are naturally needy - i.e. they (you) constantly
try to relieve a dynamic mix of emotional, physical, and spiritual
discomforts (needs). So "being needy" is normal, not shameful.
2) Typical adults
and all kids are unaware of focusing on reducing surface
needs, which are symptoms of underlying
The root problem is that average
people (like you) are usually
of...
-
their
and
environments,
-
their unawareness, and...
-
what their unawareness
means - distorted perceptions and ineffective problem solving.
3) Trying to
fill surface needs may work short term ("I finally balanced the
checkbook."), but the unfilled primary needs (e.g. being unmotivated to
promptly and accurately record checkbook deposits and expenses) usually
recur until they are filled (satisfied) well enough.
Premise 4) Once people
are aware of the above, they can learn how to (a) identify their own and
other people's primary needs, and (b) work to fill them (problem-solve)
cooperatively.
5)
Two common blocks to doing
this are...
-
people (like you?) not knowing they're
often controlled by a
well-meaning
and what that often
and...
-
not knowing what they need to
about
needs, problem-solving, grieving, and co-creating mutually-satisfying (high
nurturance) relationships.
6)
Any adult and some older kids
can reduce both these blocks over time, with awareness,
commitment, patience, and appropriate help. Reducing the first block
often requires hitting true personal
which may not happen until middle age - or at all.
|
Are you usually ruled by a false self, or your wise, resident
true Self? Do you
regularly see your and other people's "problems" as symptoms
of underlying primary needs? Do the important adults and
youngsters in your life help each other to do that? |
The rest of this article describes the learnable skill of "digging down"
below surface needs to identify underlying current and chronic primary
needs (discomforts). Learning to practice this skills is essential for consistently-effective
assertion, communication, and problem-solving. Has anyone ever suggested
that you learn this and teach it to any descendents?
Overview of "Digging Down" Skill
This skill is learning to take the time in important
situations to ask a series of non-judgmental inner and verbal questions. The
examples below illustrate them. As
you ask and process the answers, up to three problem (need) levels
may emerge. A deeper unseen fourth level may exist.
Level 1: someone else is
responsible for (solving) my
problem, like an unruly or selfish child, an ex mate, a self-centered or
disrespectful relative, co-worker, or professional, "society,"
and/or "the system." I need
them to (want to) change. The U.S. divorce epidemic suggests a
common version of this is "My mate is responsible for resolving
my problem."
 |
|
Level 2: I and
other people are co-causing the problem - e.g. we're each
doing
and
We've not been aware of
(a) what we each really need, (b) what our respective
attitudes and mutual expectations are,
or (c)
we're
trying to
We
each need to want to change ourselves; And below that is... |
|
Level 3:
I
am causing my problem and am responsible for filling my needs:
-
I
may lack
(level 4) and...
-
my true Self may have been
by
(a false self),
and...
-
I've been unaware of my
false-self
and their
so...
-
To solve my problems, I must
want to
-
i.e. to learn, become
and
my Self to
my other subselves.
|
|
Level 4: I am
responsible for filling my needs - and I don't know what I need to know.
|
Reaching level-3 awareness is hard because of (a) our ruling subselves' great
and
and (b) ancestral and social unawareness. Yet until we consistently want
to reach and maintain level three, our lives are full of
"problems" (unmet primary needs) which we often blame other people
for, and expect them to "fix" - so they keep recurring. (True?)
|
Often (always?) there is a fourth level -
which cannot be known
until people understand and accept this concept of relationship
Until they do, they don't know what they really need. |
Pause
and reflect - do these premises and levels make sense to you? Notice with
interest what your ruling subselves are
now...
To make these abstract ideas more real, study these...
Three "Dig-down" Examples
These
vignettes will illustrate the several levels of needs in typical family
situations. Page 3 of this article builds on these examples to offer 10
guidelines on how to "dig down"
effectively in most personal and social situations.
1) Resolving
Loyalty Conflicts
Can you describe a
They're one of
three related stressors which are specially common in typical
("troubled or
families and
They involve an adult or child feeling impossibly torn about choosing sides
between two or more people s/he cares about. Here's an example, based on
many real-life stories...
Stepfather Craig finally has had
too much. He hisses (shouts / hints / screams / bellows / writes /...)
to his wife Meg "I am so sick of your kid ignoring me! I
knock myself out month after month, driving her to school, paying her
dentist, providing the roof over her head, and being pleasant.
I say 'Hi,
Jen.' She grunts and walks by with no eye contact. 'How was your day?' More grunts. She treats
our dog better than me, and you don't seem to care. You
make excuses for her, and say sarcastically 'After all, Craig, you're
supposed to be the adult here.'"
Sound familiar? This is a divisive loyalty conflict, with biomom Meg torn between pleasing her husband, her own
and her beloved biodaughter.
Who comes first?
Typical stepfamilies and many other families and groups experience conflicts like these for many years. If
adults can't spot
and resolve them, they're at increasing risk of psychological or legal
divorce.
What would "digging down" look like here?
| |
Stepfather Craig |
Biomom
Meg |
|
Surface problems:
(level 1) - blaming others |
"My stepdaughter Jen is
rude, selfish, and insensitive. After all I've done for her, that hurts!
It's
Jen's fault." (No unfilled needs are identified). And...
"Meg
sides with her daughter and values Jen's needs more than
mine" - and "Meg wimpily denies this when I confront her. I
need Meg to agree that
this is her fault, and that
she should
change herself and Jen." |
"Craig is
oversensitive and childish at times, and his expectations are unrealistic. I resent his
criticizing Jen and implying that I'm a
bad Mom."
and no unfilled needs are identified)
"I'm
confused, guilty, and torn between pleasing Craig and Jen. I love them
both. If Craig really loved me, he wouldn't
make me choose. I need him to
(change
and) accept that, and stop complaining
and criticizing." |
underneath those are
level 2 needs -
blaming self and others: |
"I
need
(a)
to feel genuinely
and
as a person, a husband, and a
committed stepfather - by Meg first, then Jen. And I
need (b) my wife
to validate these needs as legitimate and important.
These are my
needs, and I don't see how to fill them by myself." |
"I'm
scared and confused: if I side with Craig, here, I'll betray Jen again,
(after failing at my first marriage), and I'll violate my
If I side with
Jen, I'm scared Craig will start detaching from me. I need to
find a way to balance these. This is my problem, not
Craig's - but
I need his genuine empathy, patience understanding, love, and
support." |
and under those are
level 3 needs: owning personal responsibility |
"I'm
doubting my worth and competence as a man, mate, and a stepdad.
I need
reassurance from Meg and Jen that I'm OK, and I feel
and embarrassed
to admit that to myself or them.
Real men aren't weak and needy
(and I
need to feel masculine,
strong, worthy, and safe."
And...
I'm guilty and ashamed of feeling ashamed.
I need relief from
this
-i.e.
I need to
do something, but I
don't know what." I need
hope
that we can find a lasting
solution to this!
(Five
concurrent primary
needs)
|
"I
desperately need to feel competent as a woman, wife, and
mother in order to feel like a worthy person. I'm scared I'm doing
something wrong here, Jen will be hurt even more,
and I'll be abandoned to die a lonely,
unloved old woman.
"I
need to feel safe and self- confident,
and I don't. I also need to feel that Jen's safe enough now and
in the future. I'm scared, guilty, and
to admit this to anyone.
I need hope that this
and confusion will go away
soon, and I need a viable plan - but I haven't got one."
I
need help!
(Six concurrent primary
needs)
|
This is not a complete
description, but does illustrate the basic levels of awareness and needs in
a simplified loyalty-conflict context. To glimpse a typical full
loyalty conflict, see
Level four - three core problems
underlie the surface "loyalty conflict" and promote all
three problem-levels and interactive needs above...
1)
Craig
is
of being ruled by a
:
a
a
an
a
a
(reality distorter), an
(Blamer), an
a
a
Stoic, a
a
and an
These squabbling subselves
distrust and
Craig's true
Self, and are unaware of his and Meg's
unawareness, and
|
Implication - Craig's deepest
(level 4) need
is to learn and accept that he must want to harmonize his
personality subselves under the leadership of his
Like most
Craig is not aware of (a) this need
and its implications, (b) his options for filling it, and (c) Meg's
similar need. |
2) Meg
is also unaware of
usually being controlled by a well-intentioned false self: a
Shamed Girl, a
a
a
an
Inner
a
a food
a Magician
(reality distorter), a
and a diligent
These
dynamic subselves distrust
or don't know her true Self, and aren't aware of her and Craig's being
wounded,
ignorant (uninformed), and unaware.
| Meg's core
needs are
to (a) learn and accept the benefits of
her resident Self (capital "S"), and then
to (b) meet and patiently harmonize her personality subselves under the guidance of her
Self and
| |