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Break the
[wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your
descendents |
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Dig Down
Below Surface Problems
to
Identify Your Primary Needs
Two More Dig-down
Examples -
p. 2 of 4
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web address of this
four-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/dig-down.htm
To get the most from this page,
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site.
This is the second of four Web pages illustrating how to identify
primary personal and mutual needs - a requisite for effective
and problem-solving.
The prior page outlines six premises about
personal and social problems, and illustrates
four levels of awareness and needs
causing a typical
stepfamily loyalty conflict. This page illustrates digging down to discern the primary needs
causing surface conflicts over a troublesome ex mate, and
"money." The last
page in this article offers suggestions for digging-down
effectively with the six other communication
Though details in these examples may differ from your situation, look for common themes.
Note that these three examples are simplified to illustrate the
process and value of
"digging down." In real life, each adult and child in your family has a
web of
concurrent surface conflicts and underlying primary needs which shape their
kaleidoscope of perceptions, feelings, and behaviors.
2) Digging Down with Typical Ex-mate
Conflicts
It's widely estimated that almost half of modern American families
legally.
An unknown number divorce psychologically, and stop short of calling
attorneys. Among typical
families and
the variations of "awful ex-mate" conflicts are
innumerable. Here's an example of typical surface problems, and the
unfilled primary needs
causing them...
Mark divorced Sherrie, and
remarried Susan,
a divorced custodial mother of pre-teen Marilee. Mark's two pre-teen sons
live with their biomom Sherrie, and sleep over at their "other home" every
other weekend. The legal third of Mark and Sherrie's
divorce was "messy," bitter,
expensive, and "took forever."
Susan has grown resentful and
frustrated over three years of "endless" intrusions
and "problems" that Sherrie persists in causing her and Mark. Sue
is trying to learn her alien new
and is finding
that raising boys part time is "a lot different" than mothering
Marilee. Sue and Mark have never
accepted their stepfamily
or read about or discussed
For brevity, this example omits a column for Sherrie's
surface problems and underlying primary needs. Each person in
a typical multi-home divorcing family or
stepfamily has their own "column"
evolving and interacting with each
other.
|
Levels |
Stepmom
Susan |
Biofather
Mark |
|
Level
1: the ex mate is "the problem" |
"Sherrie is unreliable,
rude, selfish, intrusive, vindictive, and a mediocre, inconsistent
mother. She treats her son's father (Mark) like dirt, and poisons their sons'
minds against him and me. Then she denies doing that, and blames us!
She causes most of our problems. I'm getting irritated that Mark
keeps giving in and letting her dictate our lives."
(No unfilled
needs
defined.) |
"Sherrie is
impossible to
reason with. She initiated our divorce, and now claims that I left her.
She's so moody, erratic, and volatile that I'm scared for (my sons') Kevin's
and Brian's mental health. But if I went for custody, she'd fight mean and
dirty, and seek endless revenge.
Sherrie is the biggest problem Sue and
I have."
(No unfilled
needs defined.) |
underneath those are Level 2a
problems: each mate
blames the other and the ex mate |
"I'm
getting real tired of Mark's not
to
(not agreeing
with) me, making excuses for
Sherrie, giving in to her, and putting off confronting her - as he's
repeatedly said he would.
I'm starting to lose patience and respect for him. I
need him
to (want to) confront Sherrie.
My trust in
Mark's promises and resolve is
slipping, too. If he's not committed to enforcing our home and marital
what else is he going to cave in on?
This isn't what I
signed on for! Mark and Sherrie are the problem, and I
need him
to admit that and fix it!" |
"I'm
getting pretty fed up with feeling like I'm supposed to solve everything
here, and Sue thinking I'm a wimp for not being Attila the Hun with
Sherrie. I can't help it if Sherrie is a
I feel
two lionesses.
"Sue just doesn't understand how
impossible it is to get through to Sherrie - and she won't talk to
Sherrie directly. I need Sue to see the good things we have, ease up,
and just accept that this is how it is, for now.
It'll get better as the
boys get older. I need Sue to
be patient and adapt, and Sherrie to get
healthy and sane." |
underneath those are
Level 2b
problems: co-parents start focusing on their own feelings,
doubts, and needs |
"I feel
that I can't be more loving and patient with
Mark, and more forgiving of Sherrie. Is
there something wrong with me? I don't like who I'm
becoming!
I feel less and
less safe as this mess with Sherrie and the boys keeps
grinding on us. (Implied needs: feel less guilt,
shame, and self-doubt, and more secure).
"I
need
to feel real hope and confi-dence, and to have some plan to make things better for
us. I feel I'm being a bad Mom and Stepmom somehow.
I can't seem to stay clear on what I
need - my mind keeps jumping around, and
we go nowhere.
I'm scared I made a
marrying Mark, Sherrie, and their boys! Maybe I'm the problem! (Implied
need - clear, focused
|
"I need to stop the
battles
and
make a clear plan. Part of me wants to get tough and enforce
with Sherrie,
and another part is
to.
Part of me wants to
Sherrie to
please Sue, and another part says "Uh uh, that's the wrong reason."
Part of me needs to
and part of me is afraid to.
Man, I hate
this! I never expected any of this (conflict
and confusion) when I married Sue. Why didn't I see this coming?
I feel really
between what's
best for the boys, and what's best for Sue and me. Part of me believes
this'll all work out, and another part of me fears we'll divorce. I
need to sort all these battles out and find a
way to resolve them. I wish (need to have) someone understood how
I feel. I don't think Sue does..." |
and below those are
Level 3
unfilled primary needs... |
"I need daily
emotional
focus and
direction; self respect, as a woman, a wife, and a child caregiver;
self confidence, and I need to feel truly heard, empathized with,
accepted, and loved by Mark and a caring
I deeply
need
to express and manifest the love I feel for Marilee, Mark, and others -
and to love
|
"I need to feel (a) inner peace and contentment (freedom from
guilt, shame, confusion, and anxiety);
(b) like a worthy person, man, husband, and father; (c) potent and
competent; (d) clear on the purpose and direction of my life, and I need
to feel (e) confident that I'm growing wiser, stronger, and clearer.
I also
need
to feel companioned by Sue as I fill these needs. I
need to fill the
I've felt my whole life." |
... and below those are
three root
causes of Sue and Mark's surface
"ex-mate problem": Level 4 |
1) Susan is
of being
ruled by a
a
a
an
a
a Shamed Girl; a
(reality distorter), an Inner (self)
a
a
a
a
and an
(exercise)
These well-meaning subselves usually
don't trust
Sue's true
Self, and aren't aware of her, Mark's, and Sherrie's knowledge-deficits and false-self wounds; and... |
2) Mark is unaware of being usually controlled by a false-self
group of subselves: a
a
Guilty Boy, an Orphan
an
a Good Dad, an
Inner Critic, a
a
a
a
Magician (reality distorter), and Pleaser, and a
Mark's subselves
distrust his true Self's wisdom, and
aren't aware of
his, Sue's, and Sherrie's being
unaware, and
and... |
|
3) Mark and Sue
are each (a) ignorant of the
[wounds + unawareness]
and its effects,
and
concepts, tools, and options;
and
they're
(b) each unaware of
their ignorance (lack of knowledge, not stupidity) and their personal and joint options.
Neither partner knows
what you're reading about here. Ex-wife Sherrie is a
(wounded) childhood-trauma
in protective
She's
controlled by a reactive
of
personality subselves, and is
unaware of (a) that, (b) Sue's and
Mark's similar conditions, and (c) these
co-parent projects and options.
None of the friends, relatives, and two therapists trying to support
this couple and family know any of this. Neither do the kids involved. They don't
know what they don't know, so they aren't motivated to learn anything. That
limits their tries at
to blaming, arguing, and making first-order (superficial)
|
Note the shift of focus as you dig
down. On
the surface (Level 1), Mark and Sue see Sherrie's traits and behaviors as "the
problem." At this safest level of perception, their behaviors send his ex-wife critical messages which imply: "We're OK
(1-up), and you're a bad person, woman,
and mother (1-down)." Unawareness of this
guarantees escalating fights and avoidances, and makes effective
problem-solving impossible.
The couple focuses on trying to change
Sherrie. That evokes semi-conscious
and
frustration in
her, and her
protective false self responds by counter-blaming Sue and Mark, and escalating her "hostile" behaviors.
Lose-lose-lose.
Mark and
Sue's two sons are caught up in stressful
concurrent
and
Until all three co-parents acknowledge their
as a normal
and what it
they're
not likely to admit this or seek cooperative solutions.
Digging down to
Level 2
reveals Sue and Mark each
thinking "Sherrie and my
mate" are causing my problems.
Neither co-parent is thinking
about needs. Lacking effective communication basics and
Mark and Sue each feel increasingly blamed and misunderstood by the other
- which
promotes rising mutual distrust +
disrespect + hurt + frustration + anger. The couple fears facing this scary
reality, and doesn't know how to talk together about it safely as
vs. opponents.
Their rift increases over time, as they blame Sherrie and each
other and ignore
they're trying
to deal with this complex marital stressor. Without
and
they're at risk of unconsciously growing a
toxic self-amplifying, (blame > explain
/ defend > counterblame
> counterblame >... ) cycle over time - the embryo of a psychological
or legal re/divorce.
Digging further to the third layer
of needs discloses
some well-camouflaged
Sue and Mark.
These are too scary to admit because of powerful old false-self
and
excessive
- e.g. "I'll never deserve or get the love I need.
(Shamed Child) I'll
never be able to be a competent parent and mate (Cynic / Doubter and
Perfectionist), so I'll ultimately have
to live and die alone (Abandoned Child and
Catastrophizer).
There is nothing I can do to prevent this - I'm totally
Sue's version is "I
feel powerless, and can only pray for God to help
me here." Mark lacks the
awareness, and experience to do this
(part of his
Level-3 awareness is hard
because it requires each person
(i.e. you) to
accept full responsibility for filling their own
rather than
expecting others to want to do so as we all did as young kids.
The fourth (deepest) layer of needs is
usually the
hardest to discover because...
-
each partner lacks the
and vocabulary to
identify these needs, and...
-
their friends, society, family
professionals, and the media are also ignorant and unaware.
Because you're reading these articles, you are among the few who are
gaining the knowledge to identify and fill these deep primary needs. If you
feel like alerting other people to your learnings, see
this.
Pause to digest what you've just experienced. Reflect
on what this dig-down concept could mean in your relationships. What level are you and
important adults and kids usually focused on? For more perspective, see these
Solutions articles on
and
- specially this
one on relating to
psychologically-wounded people.
Stretch, breathe, and take a break if you need to. Note what you're thinking
and feeling, and what you just learned. When you're ready, continue with this last example
of digging down...
3) Digging Down With
"Money"
Conflicts
Have you ever disagreed with someone over finances and debts? Re/married
for four years, Myra and Manuel can't seem to find a middle ground about a group
of "money problems"...
|
Levels |
Biofather
Manuel ("Manny") |
Stepmom
Myra |
|
Levels 1
and 2 - each mate feels the problem is their partner and
Manny's
ex mate Anita,
Both co-parents gripe and fight, but don't
together |
"Myra insists on
spending too much, on things we don't need, and can't afford. She's
a genuine shopaholic.
Periodically, she starts world war three because I
forget to tell her of getting ATM cash. Then she nags me to do
something because (my ex wife) Anita hassles me about being a day late
with sending child support.
"And Myra
constantly bitches at Anita
for spending the child support "on Gucci boots and bags"
instead of kid clothes and cereal. Somehow, I'm supposed to fix
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