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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/I_msg_wks.htm

        This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills  that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key  Project-2 Web articles in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.       

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. Clicking a link below will open an informational popup or full new browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site - no cookies or ads!

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

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          This article assumes you have read these introductions to effective communication and assertion. If you haven't, please do so and return. The article augments these introductions by providing a way to practice forming assertive "I" messages that fill your needs.    

  “I”-Message Worksheet

        “I” messages are assertive statements which raise the odds another person can hear you clearly. They’re called “I” messages because they focus mainly on your needs and feelings, rather than on your communication partner ("you” messages). Print this worksheet, and use it to construct a mutually respectful (=/=) "I" message with an adult or child whose behavior you wish to change. 

        Use your version of this sample Bill of Personal Rights as the authority for asserting any “I” message when your true Self is steadily guiding your personality. For more perspective, also see these examples of meta-comments, and tips on giving effective feedback.

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1)  A person who's behavior repeatedly causes me a problem is (name):

 

2)  A specific behavior of theirs that significantly bothers me is... (factually describe something that could be recorded on video or audio tape):

 

 

3)  Specific ways this behavior affects me - what needs of mine does it interfere with?

• 
  
  
  
•  

and…

 4)  The R(espect)-message I receive from this behavior is that s/he feels her or his current needs are…

_  more important than mine (s/he's ”1-up”’)

_  just as important as mine  (“we’re of equal dignity and worth - '=/='”);

_  less important than mine (s/he's "1-down”)

5)  Specific changes in behavior (vs. values) that I need this person to want to make are…

• 
  
  
• 
  
  
•    

6)  Typical responses that I make to their behavior now are…

7)  The R(espect) message the other person may decode from my responses is: “You feel your current needs are…

_  more important than mine” (“you’re 1-up”)

_  just as important as mine” (“we’re co-equals - =/=”);

_  less important than mine” (“you’re 1-down”)

8)  The usual outcome from my response is…

_  I get what I need, but s/he doesn’t (win/lose)

_  S/He gets what s/he needs, but I don't (lose/win)

_  We both get enough of what we need (win/win)

_  Neither of us gets enough of what we need (lose/lose)

9)  Who feels good enough about our typical communication process here?

_  I do  _  s/he does  _  we both do  _  neither of us

10)  Other awareness factors:

• Time of day:  _ Hinders our outcome   _ Doesn’t hinder us  _ I’m not sure

• Place:  _ Hinders our outcome   _ Doesn’t hinder us  _ I’m not sure

• Other people present: _ Hinders our outcome   _ Doesn’t hinder us  _ I’m not sure

• Other factors
   

11)  A possible =/= (respectful) assertive "I-message" I might use in this situation:

Describe the other person’s troublesome behavior clearly, specifically, and uncritically:

"When you…

Describe factually and realistically how their behavior affects or interferes with me:

"I…

Option: describe specifically what action I need from them, and when (time, date):

"...and I need you to ______ by ________."
 

Example - A three-part “I-message” sounds like this:

“Janet, when you often arrive 15 to 20 minutes after when you say you’ll come,... (specific recordable behavior)

"…I get irritated and frustrated, because I’ve made an effort to be on time. I’m losing my trust that I can count on you to be prompt. (specific effects on you.)

"I really need you to respect me and my time, and arrive when you say you will. Otherwise, tell me if you’ll be more than 10 (vs. 'a few') minutes late.” (Is this a request or a demand?)

Notes / Thoughts…

 

 

 

        Pause, breathe, and reflect: why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise, resident true Self or "someone else"?

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Updated October 01, 2008