Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Options for Improving Your Communication - p. 1 of 4 Get more needs met more often! By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/improve.htm

        Clicking a link below will open an informational popup or full new browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site - no cookies or ads!       

This is one of 150+ Web articles about improving personal, relationship, and family health and satisfac-tions.         This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.        This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.         The practical guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many useful resources.

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        If you're reading this in hopes of more effective communication with an important other person (like your mate, ex mate, parent/s, or a child), confront a basic premise here: YOU are at least half the problem with this person.

        If you're reading this for suggestions on how to change the other person, I urge you to refocus on changing yourself (e.g. by learning to communicate differently). Doing so can improve the quality of the relationship, as long as you choose to keep a mutual-respect attitude.

        Whatever you seek, I encourage you to study this three-page article - without following any links, if they distract you. If they do, finish scanning and then follow links of interest to expand your learning.       

        This article is about significantly improving your communication effectiveness. It...

• provides preparation and motivational options, and key definitions; and then...

• defines to three interactive factors that hinder effective communication, and

• proposes practical solutions to each factor.

Prepare to Improve

        First, reflect and name...

several adults or kids you have chronic trouble communicating with (i.e. difficulty getting your needs met), and...

any situations you have trouble communicating effectively in, like job interviews, personal in-timacy, facing angry people, receiving major criticism or disrespect, disciplining kids, and making important assertions and confrontations.

        Imagine what your life would be like if you could consistently communicate well with each of these people and situations. I guarantee you can, if you commit to learning or improving seven powerful skills. If you practice one skill a week for seven weeks, you'll get a good sense of what you're capable of. If you don't commit, you'll live your remaining years never knowing what you might have achieved.

         Imagine any minor children in your life sitting in a group looking at you. Now imagine they are grown, and have adult kids and grandkids of their own. Imagine all of these adults and kids in a semicircle around you. The youngest child speaks for the rest of the kids. S/he asks "Please - would you show us how to think and communicate really well? If you don't - who will?"

        Try answering that question out loud now. Then reflect - how would you like to answer?

        To make what follows more real and less abstract, pause and think of several people you judge to be (a) really effective communicators, and (b) very ineffective communicators. Reflect on the criteria you use to make these judgments, and bring these people along as you learn.

Rate Yourself...

• On a scale of one (I'm never able to think effectively) to ten (I consistently think very effectively in calm and stressful situations), rank your recent ability to think (communicate internally) in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations. 

• On a scale of one (I'm never able to communicate effectively) to ten (I consistently communicate very effectively), rank your recent ability to communicate in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations.

• On a scale of one (I'm never able to problem-solve effectively) to ten (I consistently problem-solve  effectively), rank your recent ability to resolve problems and conflicts in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations.

Would people who know you well agree with your ratings? Option - ask them!
 

I propose that if you commit to studying and practicing on the ideas in this series of articles, you can rank yourself at least a solid 9 in each of these domains. How interested are you in achiev-ing that for yourself and any descendents?

__  I'm very committed to improve my thinking and communicating now

__  I'm moderately interested now

__  I need to know more before I decide

__  I'm really not motivated to improve now - I'm too busy

__  Part of me wants to improve, and part of me doesn't care.

        The last two answers suggest you're probably controlled by a well-meaning false self, and may not  (want to) know that or what it means. That's a much bigger problem than ineffective communication! More on this below...

Read These First

        To gain a solid foundation, invest several hours scanning seven articles before continuing this one. They'll help you learn what you can achieve - if you want to. If the links in these articles distract you, scan the whole article first and ignore them. Then follow any links of interest.

A quiz to help you learn what you need to learn about effective communication

A summary of effective-communication basics and seven powerful skills - slides or text

A summary of common communication blocks - which do you use?

Useful family, relationship, and communication-process terms

Three examples of digging down to discern primary (vs. surface) needs,

Examples of lose-lose and win-win problem-solving in action. And...

Strategies for communicating effectively with minor kids

Have you seen all these ideas before?

What's the Problem?

         From birth, all people instinctively communicate to fill current needs - i.e. to reduce current or future physical, emotional, and spiritual discomforts. Do you agree? Any perceived behavior that causes a signif-icant effect in another person is communication. "Significant" is a subjective judgment.

Paradox

        We all depend on communicating to fill our needs more than any other learned behavior - yet most people (like you?) never want to study how to do it effectively! For example...

Try naming the seven communication skills and when to use each of them.

Could any of the adults who raised you name and describe these skills?

Can you name a school or college that teaches these skills effectively?

       After searching for 45 years, I've never me one person who could name and describe these skills - including many professional communicators!

        Most people (like you) don't know what they could learn to improve their communication outcomes - i.e. to fill more needs more often, and live more productive, healthy, satisfying lives. That means that they (you) can't teach their kids how to communicate effectively, so inherited ignorance of these skills and their benefits passes down the generations and cripples most kids. Are there young people in your life?

        Trying to fill your daily needs without knowing how to think and communicate effectively is like trying to swim with one leg. If you're used to doing that, you can't imagine what swimming with two legs would be like! Neither can the kids in your family.

         Notice where your thoughts go now...

 What is Effective Communication?

        Try answering this question out loud, as though you'd been asked by an average pre-teen. (Can you imagine a kid asking this?). After 45 years' study and reflection, I propose that effective (vs. "open and honest") communication occurs when each person involved clearly feels...

• they got their current primary (vs. surface) needs met well enough (in their opinion), and...

• they feel good enough about (a) themselves, (b) each communication partner, and (c) their process.

        Does this definition make sense to you? Would you edit it? Think of the last time you experienced "effective communication."  Were these two criteria clearly met? Now think of the last ineffective oral or written communication you exchanged. Were either or both criteria clearly not met? 

       In any communication exchange between two people, there are 16 possible combinations of these two criteria. Only one satisfies both criteria for both people, so in important situations, the odds of fully satisfying outcomes for two persons is just 6%!

        To learn how effectively you think and communicate (i.e. fill your daily needs), answer this question honestly:

"Typically, how many nights per week do I go to bed feeling serene and deeply satisfied with the way my day went?"

Caution - if you're governed by a protective false self (below), your answer may be significantly distorted.

  How do You Define Important Communication?

        Is speaking to a salesperson a vital conversation? Is asking someone to marry you or conceive a child? How about asking someone to pass the peas, or a food addict debating "Should I have a another helping of lasagna (fat, salt, and calories)?" Premise - thinking is internal communication.

        Most needs you seek to satisfy by communicating are moderately important or less. You only need full communication awareness and skills in a small number of relationships (e.g. with your partner, kids, best friend, and employer) and situations (e.g. talking with an attorney, clergyperson, or doctor).

         The importance of a relationship or social situation varies with the priority of the needs you seek to fill - e.g. the need for a satisfying primary relationship and a healthy, happy child are more important than needing a snack.

Define your criteria for "important communication" by meditating and ranking the top ten (a) priori-ties and (b) relationships in your life now. Both lists really rank the importance of various primary needs you seek to satisfy.

        Using your criteria, identify the important communications you've had in the last three months. What percentage of the time would you say both effectiveness factors above were clearly met? Is there's room for improvement? 

        What causes dissatisfying communication outcomes - specifically? Try answering this out loud before reading about...

Three Basic Problems (Opportunities)

        My experience over half a century suggests that three factors combine to hinder typical adults like you (and all kids) from communicating effectively, regardless of maturity, education, and profession:

• significant false-self (psychological) wounds,  and...

• ignorance (lack of information) about...

  • descriptive words (a limited vocabulary),

  • communication basics and skills, and of...

  • healthy-relationship basics. And...

• chronic unawareness of personal, relationship, and communication dynamics.

        You can't validate or discount this premise until you know more about each factor. Has anyone ever taught you about them? Are you teaching your kids about them yet? Our wounded, unaware society pro-motes ignorance of these factors so far.

        The good news: you can significantly reduce each of these factors over time and improve your communication  outcomes, once you understand and admit them. The bad news: you're probably con-trolled by a well-meaning false self, and may be living and working in a low-nurturance environment. These may hinder you from wanting to improve the three factors above. 

        The rest of this article outlines specific options for improving each of them over time.

1)  Reduce Your False-self (Psychological) Wounds

        Psychological wounds come from surviving a low-nurturance childhood. They're probably the biggest single source of stress in your life, yet (I suspect) no one has taught you what they are and what to do about them. The six wounds are...

a fragmented personality excessive reality distortions

excessive shame and guilts difficulty trusting wisely

excessive fears difficulty bonding

         Get undistracted, and choose the unbiased curiosity of a researcher. Then study these slides or this two-page article and return here. You need to understand these basic concepts they provide to improve your communication effectiveness and relationships. Expect to have some basic beliefs about yourself and other people challenged.

        If you feel skeptical about normal personality subselves, read this letter to you, and try this safe, interesting internal exercise. Then see how you feel. Disregarding or deferring these two things probably indicates your diligent Impatient One and/or Avoider subselves are protecting some alarmed inner kids, and your wily Magician wants to justify that.

Knowledge Check

        Answer each of these out loud now, as though to a young teen's questions:

• What are personality subselves, and where do they come from?

• What are the three or four types of normal subselves, and how do they relate to each other?

• What is your true Self (capital "S"?) and a false self?

• What are the six false-self wounds?

• What is a Grown Wounded Child (GWC)?

• How can I tell if my true Self (capital "S") is guiding my other subselves now and in general?

If you can't confidently answer these questions yet, review (a) the links above, (b) these slides or this article, and (c) these Q&A items until you can.

Alert - if you're often controlled by a protective false self (i.e. if your true Self is disabled), you may have to hit true bottom before you want to learn and accept the answers to these six questions. If so, refer often to these guidelines and stop hoping to improve your communications and key relationships for now. Notice your self-talk now...

How Inner Wounds Block Communication

        To see how inner-family communication affects your outer communication, meet Gina and Tom. Both thirty-something, they divorced conflictually several years ago. They have joint custody of their nine-year-old son Harold, and need to talk together weekly about him. Both acknowledge that "poor communica-tions" was one reason that they separated after six years of marriage. 

        Their expensive, frustrating work with a marriage counselor and a divorce mediator didn't focus meaningfully on the two real problems hindering their communication. Both Gina and Tom came from low-nurturance childhoods, and are significantly wounded as a result. Neither knows this, though each is pretty sure "something's real wrong" with their ex mate. Each co-parent is also largely unaware of the ideas in this article. Like most divorced adults, they don't know what they don't know.

        Here's a glimpse of the three simultaneous dramas that unfold when Tom calls Gina to discuss Harold's alarming report card: (1) the dialog among his subselves + (2) the dialog among her subselves + (3) the verbal exchange between them. Versions of these dramas have happened many times before, despite both co-parents feeling dissatisfied with the outcomes. They each care deeply for their son, and feel sadness and great guilt about Harold's sufferings from their divorce.

        The titles in italics are different personality subselves.  The words are the subselves' "speaking" (conscious thought streams). If you're not clear on personality subselves yet, what follows will make more sense if you first read this two-page overview of inner families (like yours)!

Tom - before calling his ex-wife Gina about their son...

Catastrophizer - "Four D's! Oh, man - Harold's gonna flunk! He'll never make college, and have to struggle for money his whole life! We'll have to support him forever, and that means..."

Good Dad  - "Oh, shut up, Gloom King - we have to help Harold - now!"

Inner Critic  (acidly) - "Really nice job, Tom. What drug were you on when you thought you could be a competent father? Now Harold's failing, because you messed up."

Shamed Boy  - "See - I AM no good!"

Distracter - "Hey - a beer would taste great right now! Why don't you..."

True Self - "Not a good idea. You've already had two... We should call Gina and talk this report card over."

Good Dad and Practical Adult - "Yes, good. Do it."

Historian  - "Remember the last couple of times we talked about Harold's school problems, Gina blamed me, and blew up."

Skeptic - "Yeah - we can call, but you'd better brace yourself for the usual - hysteria, accusations, and no constructive ideas."

Inner Judge (or Critic) - "What a lousy excuse for a woman and mother she is - how did you ever get involved with her?"

Practical Adult - "You'd better balance the check book before you go to bed - you bounced two checks last month, and that cost us."

True Self - "Stay focused on Harold - he needs help from Gina and all of us. Call her now." 

Tom dials her number, and she answers. Hilighted words are spoken, and words in italics are thoughts.

Continued...

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Updated  October 01, 2008