Notice what you're thinking and imaging. This three-way drama took under two
minutes to happen. Similar versions had happened hundreds of times before,
which conditioned these parents to expect "poor communications." How would you
guess the conversation turned out?
| Recall the
requisites for effective communication: (1) each person's
get filled well
enough, (2) in a way that both people feel good enough about. |
In this example of subselves affecting co-parent communication...
Neither
adult's ruling subselves had begun
to
their
or their partner's
primary needs. Tom could have clarified "What do I need from Gina?" before he
called. Conversely, she could have asked him
what he needed from her when he called;
Neither
Tom's nor Gina's
was able to guide and
direct their other subselves. One result was that each parent got distracted by
the opposing agendas, thoughts, and feelings of the subselves comprising their
Neither
Gina nor Tom were
of what
was happening inside themselves, or between them - so they couldn't
their three processes or focus them as parenting partners on
Harold's problems; Finally...
Their
spoken conversation was beginning to polarize into a familiar attack > defend >
counterattack
sequence. This polarity was
powered by the powerful feelings of their shamed
and scared
and the
narrowly-focused, reactive
subselves dedicated to protecting them.
|
Neither parent was aware of (1) their respective subselves and their
(2) internal conflicts, (3) their
true Self, (4) their
inner and spoken communication
and (5) the
communica-tion basics
and
they might have used
to help their son. |
From
many prior experiences, neither Gina's or Tom's subselves felt
respected or
trusted
by the other. This left a vital
unfilled. That blocked their ability to
each other, which made brainstorming and effective
impossible.
Net result:
ineffective communication, reducing the chance
that both parents could act together to assess what their son needed, and
provide it. Lose-lose-lose.
The point: communications among adults and kids are powerfully
influenced by their (your) respec-tive subselves – specially in
conflicts. Most people (like you) are unaware of this. Think of recent conver-sations
between you and key other people at home or work.
Can you begin to see them in a new
way? Widen your awareness by reading this
example
of how unseen subselves affected a real stepfamily couple and their kids and ex mates.
A Better Way
If
Tom and Gina had each progressed on
their Selves (Capital "S")
would have directed their inner-family processes - specially if
both people had become familiar with the seven
communication
Their Selves would have focused all their other subselves on their
unfolding communication
to keep it effective; and on
trying to help their son with his many needs without getting into a
toxic bla-ming > defending > counter-blaming spiral or lured into other conflicts.
If you and some important people often experience
communication frustrations, you can reduce them over time. You
may have some of these relationship
With commitment and patience,
wound-recovery + improved communication
awareness can help you improve your
key relationships.
Option - separate your tangle of relationship problems
into separate issues, and work on re/building
and
mutual respect and
trust first.
Without that, you'll have difficulty exchanging the genuine "=/="
that you need
for communication
effectiveness.
Pause, breathe, and reflect on what you just read. Imagine you
are Gina or Tom, trying to communi-cate effectively without awareness of
your many subselves. The purpose of this illustration is to motivate you
to...
Assess Yourself for False-self Dominance
|
If you fully accept the ideas of (a) normal personality subselves, (b) true Self and
false self, and (c) false-self wounds,
the next requisite is to honestly assess
yourself for significant wounds. Admit-ting (vs. denying,
minimizing, or rationalizing) significant wounds and committing to
reduce them over time is es-sential for significantly improving
your thinking, communications, relationships, and who-listic health.
|
Are you willing to commit to this now, or do you need more information,
and/or to hit
If you answer yes, keep reading for practical options to improve your
communication effectiveness. If you answer "I'm not sure" or "No," read
this article for information and future options
and let go of hoping
to improve for now.
Once you admit and identify any
significant false-self wounds, you can evolve effective ways to re-duce
them over time.
Commit to Wound Reduction
("Recovery")
To learn about
healing, study these slides or this
article and take any appropriate
actions now or in the future. If you elect to reduce any
significant wounds now, consider these options:
-
Commit to working steadily on
(inner-wound reduction) and
(communication improvement) at the same time. They
reinforce each other.
-
Decide whether
alerting one or more
people in your life to what you're learning here is beneficial. If
so, act on that.
-
Do what you can to (a)
improve the environmental
of any kids in your life, and (b) patiently teach them effective thinking,
communication, and relationship basics and skills (below). This is a
priceless life-long gift!
Who's deciding what you should
do now - your wise
or
The second of three universal cause
of ineffective communication is ignorance -
lack of key knowledge. Do you know what you don't know?
2)
Learn New Words, and Communication
and Relationship Basics
Words
are symbols of concepts, like the colors on a painter's palette. The
more colors and brushes an artist has, the more vivid and evocative a picture
s/he can create. The more words you're fluent with, the more effectively you
can express yourself - so....
Expand Your Vocabulary
You can significantly
improve your communication effectiveness by gaining fluency with new words and phrases
about...
For
perspective, realize that you've already acquired thousands of words - most
without conscious effort. Where did you get them? Imagine committing
to learning two new words a day, or five new words a week. Can you do that?
The challenge here is motivation to learn and practice new
word-symbols. Can you imagine feeling solidly confident that you can say
exactly what you mean in important situations? How often can you feel that
now?
If a
false self controls you, those
well-meaning subselves will probably sabotage your wanting to ex-pand your
vocabulary ("Boring!" / "Too much work!" / "Too many other things to do!").
Check your motiva-tion:
_ I'm determined to learn a few new
words every day or week now;
_ I'll start learning "pretty soon;"
_ I'm really not motivated to learn
new words now, tho I see the value of doing so.
Option - print any interesting articles
in this Web site, and circle or hilight any words you can't describe to a
typical teenager. Then use the glossaries here (links above) and/or a print
or online dictionary to learn their meaning. Cement your learning by
watching for chances to use the new words in your speech and writing.
The
next way to reduce crippling ignorance is to...
Learn Communication Basics and Skills
Despite
and formal education, most people (like you?) don't know
what they need to know about the vital skill of communicating. To see if you
need to update your basic knowledge, get undistrac-ted and take this
quiz.
If
you do need to update your knowledge, take the following self-study course over some
weeks. The topics build on each other, so study them in order. Check these
off as you study them.
Foundations
__ An
overview of family Project 2 - help your
adults and kids learn to think,
communicate, and problem-solve effectively.
__
Worksheet:
your current
communication strengths. This is fun!
__ Communication
basics (2 pages)
__
Definitions of over 70 useful relationship and family terms (3
pages). Using the right
terms and phrases promotes mutual understanding and
clarity. Use this as a reference.
The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/improve.htm
Learning,