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Self-study course, continued
from page 2...
The Seven Skills, and Common
Communication Blocks (checklist)
__ An introduction to
process awareness skill. All
six other skills depend on this one.
_ Common
communication errors and blocks (2
pages). Use awareness to spot them, and all seven skills to resolve
them among people and your subselves. Print and use this as a reference.
_ A two-person
awareness-skill practice.
__
An introduction to effective thinking.
Thinking is communication among your dynamic
Fuzzy, unfocused thinking hinders effective problem-solving.
__
An introduction to
dig-down skill (3 pages). Use this
powerful technique to discover someone's cur-rent primary needs so you
can fill them.
_ Overviews of _
surface and primary needs, and _ how we
rank five primary needs
_ A two-person
dig-down skill
practice.
__
An
introduction to metatalk skill (talking about
communicating), and a summary of common com-munication dynamics and terms.
_
metatalk examples and a
worksheet to help you design effective metacomments.
__ Overviews of _
awareness "bubbles" (2 pages) and _
R(elationship)-messages. Each of these universal dynamics powerfully affects your
communication outcomes, and should be part of your awareness in important
relationships and situations..
__
An introduction to
empathic listening skill.
_
worksheet: learn how
well you and selected partners listen to each other;
_ an empathic-listening
skill practice; and...
_ an intriguing
excerpt by Dr. James Lynch on why listening can significantly
lower your blood pressure (!)
__ A sample
Personal Bill of Rights. This +
self
respect + your
- are the foundations for effective assertion and problem solving skills Use
this sample to design your own Bill. Then USE it with your Self
leading the way!
__
An introduction to
assertion skill (2 pages) - say
what you need in a way your partner can hear you. Effective assertion requires
all five prior skills and your true Self guiding your personality.
_ reprint: "The
Power of Positive Self esteem" by Dr. Nathaniel Brandon
_
worksheet: a
profile of your assertion style.
_ a two-person
assertion practice.
__
A slide
or text introduction to win-win
problem-solving. This vital ability uses all six other skills to help you and any adult or child partner
fill your respective current primary needs. All
seven skills work with your inner family of
too!
_
worksheet - an
inventory of your problem-solving
style
_ a two-person
problem-solving practice
_ examples of
lose-lose and
win-win communication
__ Resolution options for
three common family stressors - values
and loyalty conflicts and divisive rela-tionship triangles (2 pages)
_ options for
resolving values conflicts,
relationship cutoffs, and impasses (2 pages)
_
worksheet:
How we react to values conflicts now
_
worksheet:
How we react to loyalty conflicts now
If this seems like a lot of work - it is! The benefits are
well worth the effort - getting more needs met more often, in satisfying
ways, for the rest of your life.
To expand the foundation above, study
and use these...
Communication Tools
and Resources
-
Map (diagram) your communication sequences
and patterns to help spot and resolve
significant
-
A one-page summary of the seven communication skills.
-
Options for
exchanging respectful feedback with
another person.
-
Useful
communication phrases.
-
Effective-communication
tips.
-
Worksheet: a profile of
constructive and destructive conflict-resolution habits
with a
selected partner.
-
How gender differences affect communication
outcomes.
-
Reprint - "Avoiding
Couple Karate - lessons in the marital Arts," by Anthony Brandt
-
Selected
books on effective communication.
The guidebook that integrates
the ideas you just read is
Satisfactions
(by Peter Gerlach, MSW; Xlibris.com, 2002)
Another powerful option toward more effective communication and
satisfactions is to...
Learn Relationship Basics
Beside ignorance of communication basics and skills, most men and women (like you?) don't know they need to learn basic concepts about healthy
relationships among their subselves and with other people.
See if you need to learn about these
by taking this quiz.
Reflect - think of the most important relationships in your life, and
imagine improving the quality of each of them significantly. You can,
I you want to! If your
(capital "S) is motivated to learn more about relationships,
study these articles in order:
__ Perspective on surface needs and primary needs.
__ A sample Personal Bill of Rights
- the basis for effective assertions
__
Four core ingredients of any
healthy relationship
__ Perspective on the
ability to bond (2 pages)
__
Q&A article on relationships (3
pages)
__ Solution options
for nine common relationship barriers
__
Premises about
analyzing and
resolving relationship problems
__ Options for
resolving interpersonal boundary
problems
__ Checklist: symptoms of codependent relationships
(relationship addiction)
__ Perspective on
personal and family anger policies
__ Perspective on divorce (slides
or text) and
divorce recovery
There are many more articles in this Website about specific family
roles and relationships - e.g.
co-grandparents,
and
half-siblings, and this menu of solutions
to specific relationship problems.
In
addition to psychological wounds and ignorance, ineffective communication is
also promoted by a lack of personal and social awareness. You can choose to improve
both of these:
3)
Improve Your Awarenesses
Try
saying your definition of "awareness" out loud now, and bring it along as
you read...
|
A
powerful line in the inspiring hymn
Amazing
Grace is "(I) Was blind, but
now I see." After five decades of studying the "Human
Condition" and 20 years' personal recovery from severe false-self wounds, I
now suspect that well over 90% of typical Americans - probably including YOU - are
"blind" to the amazing worlds within and around them, as I have
been.
|
Typical adults think they're "aware," and are
unaware of higher levels of present-moment awareness that they could
achieve. You are probably often unaware of...
-
what you [ see + think + smell + feel + sense
+ need ] right now;
-
the traits and dynamics of the talented
of personality
that control your life; and...
-
the current and chronic dynamics of your
relationships (needs and behaviors) with your
and
Nature.
Reality Checks - pause,
breathe, and thoughtfully rank your recent awareness of each of these
domains from one (I'm never aware of this)
to ten (I'm constantly
aware of this). Notice how it feels to rank them, and what you learn.
I suspect you've never done this exercise before, unless you're practicing
some
form of meditation.
Now think of the adults and kids in your life. How would you rank their
respective three awarenes-ses, most of the time?
If there's a special adult or child
you want to communicate more effectively with, how would you rank her or his
awareness in these three areas?
|
Premise -
your awareness is shaped and limited by your
knowledge.
For example, you can't be-come aware of the dynamics of your
subselves and who is leading them until you know about
person-ality subselves and how they act. That's why committing
to improving your knowledge of wounds, communications,
and relationships is vital! |
Options
To
improve your awareness in these three domains, you'll
need your
and to want to overcome two barriers:
-
the attitude that intentionally growing your awareness isn't
as nearly as important as being physically active and "productive," and...
-
your hyper-stimulating social environment
(TV, cell phones, cars, planes, PCs, iPods, the Web, advertisements...), which ceaselessly distracts
you from improving
your three levels of aware-ness.
Reality Check: Reflect
and affirm your current truth:
my governing subselves are...
__ extremely motivated to overcome
these two awareness barriers, or...
__ they're (a) ambivalent
about or (b) moderately interested in overcoming them, or...
__ my leading subselves are not
motivated to overcome these two awareness barriers now.
Notice the
paradox - you can't commit to growing more aware
until your true Self
your other subselves, and you can't achieve that without wanting
awareness. This is why people
(like you?) who haven't hit
often can't genuinely commit to improving their thinking and communication
effec-tiveness over time - even tho parts of them really want to.
If your
true Self is
your
now and is "extremely motivated" to expand your awareness, then read on. If not,
give priority to patient progress at
and accept reduced or am-bivalent interest in improving your awareness and
communication for now Notice (be aware of) your
now...
To intentionally increase
your internal + communication + relationship awarenesses...
__ Practice this simple
at random times each day and night until it becomes a
habit. Give special emphasis to being aware of
what you feel and
now.
__ Participate in some form of
reputable meditation program like Zazen or Tai Chi for several months and see what you learn;
__ Experience professional massage
therapy for several months.
__ Work with a veteran awareness
coach and/or spiritual advisor;
__ Experiment with keeping a daily
log, journal, or "lab notebook" for several months. Julia
Cameron's books on
The Artist's Way are
practical resources.
__ Search the Web for
"awareness," "journaling," and "meditating."
__ Commit to patiently studying the communication and relationship basics
above, and ap-
plying your learnings to see
what results. Give special
emphasis to
learning and prac- ticing
Awareness skill
__ Become aware of key
attitudes that unconsciously affect
the quality of your communi- cation and relationships.
__ Practice analyzing various communication
with various people to
your and their respective
current
and
needs.
Option - validate your guesstimates with each person where
possible.
__ Experiment with...
-
periodically telling communication partners
what you're aware of about...
-
yourself
- e.g. "I'm aware I change the
subject often",
-
them
- e.g. "I'm aware that you're having
trouble keeping steady eye contact with me", and...
-
the
process between you in important situations - e.g. "I'm aware that
when we talk about ___, we both get emotional and distracted, and
neither of us gets our needs met.".
Use
and
as resources.
And experiment with...
-
asking partners with an open mind what
they are aware of at the moment and over time; and...
-
typical and important communication
to become more aware of your process dynamics and
__ Identify people you feel are
unusually aware of themselves and their environment, and
ask them what other awareness-building options
and resources they suggest.
Were you aware of all these choices? Do they seem practical and do-able?
There are probably other options you can add as you grow...
Now What?
How
are your subselves reacting to these three communication-improvement options? Can you name the three? If your subselves are
remind them of your complex achievements to date, like learning to live
independently, a trade, and how to drive and maintain a vehicle; completing
years of education; raising children; maintaining friendships; and learning
proficiency at a hobby and/or a second language. You have mastered many
complex life skills. These three are no different.
You
mastered each of those a step at a time, over time, right? Making these
communication-im-provement steps is just the same. You can take
each step successfully if your wise far-seeing Self (capi-tal "S") coordinates and motivates your
other subselves to gain the major benefits of communicating
ef-fectively in important situations and relationships.
Even if your Self is often
working at these improvement steps can still help you fill your needs more
often, within limits. Progress at these steps can also significantly help
you reduce your wounds and empower your Self, too! Does that seem
believable? Try them, and see!
|
Status Check - let go of all these
details and options now. Reflect and identify your top five or more current
life priorities - as judged by your
actions. Does "Work steadily at
improving my thinking and communicating effectiveness" rank among
them? If not - why not?
Who's answering - your
or
|
Expand your options by reading about improving communications
and relationships with your mate, an
ex mate, and
children, including teens.
What could the rest of your life be
like
if you doubled the effectiveness of
your thinking and communicating?
Continue with 22 action-options based on
the above. Do you need a stretch-break first?
