Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Communication Basics, and  Seven Skills Your Parents Didn't Teach You - p. 1 of 2 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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Note: This is the text version of a slide presentation on effective-communication basics and skills.

This is one of 150+ Web articles about improving personal, relationship, and family health and satisfac-tions. This brief introduction describes the site's pur-pose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.        This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.         The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and re-sources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.                 Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

        To gauge your knowledge of communication basics, try this quiz and return here. For more perspec-tive, review these common communication blocks, and see if you use any of them.

       I've studied effective thinking and communications skills for over 40 years, and have taught scores of lay and business classes and workshops on those topics. I estimate that under 5% of the 1,000+ adult therapy clients and students I've worked with since 1981 knew how to communicate and problem-solve ef-fectively. Their childhood caregivers and teachers probably didn't either. This ignorance is part of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle that stresses most American families (like yours?).

       Reading these Project-2 Web articles and/or the related guidebook will not make you a more effective communicator. They will provide practical, integrated concepts which - if you patiently practice them - will improve you and others filling your current primary needs, in a way that feels good-enough to everyone.

  Contents

• 13 premises about effective-communication;

• An overview of seven powerful communication skills you probably were never taught; 

• When to use each skill, and...

• links to key applications of these basics and skills

        This article assumes you're familiar with these concepts:

• Normal personality subselves (like yours) - slides or text

• Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) and what being a GWC means

• Requisites for a mutually-satisfying relationship

  Effective Communication: Basic Premises

       Think of someone with whom you consistently communicate(d) well with, by your definition. Then think of someone you've had significant trouble communicating well with. Keep these people in mind as you absorb the following concepts.

        Let's start with some basic ideas about thinking and communicating. If you disagree with any of these premises, note what you do believe...

Premise 1)  Any perceived behavior that causes a "significant" mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual reaction in another person (in someone's opinion) is "communication." Our English verb "to communicate" comes from the Latin verb communicare, which meant “to share.”

        Premise 2)  It's impossible to not communicate. We unconsciously decode meanings from si-lences, withdrawals, hang-ups, and absences as much as we do from written, verbal, and non-verbal actions. Think of this the next time you feel or hear "S/He didn't respond." Adopting this premise will...

• increase your awareness of communication sequences and patterns,  which will...

• expand your options for avoiding or solving communication problems, and consistently meeting more of your and your partner's current needs well enough.

For example: "When I assert my needs (or feelings or opinions) and you're silent and expressionless, I feel confused, uneasy, and disrespected. I really need to know your reaction to what I just said."  

       Premise 3)  We communicate with ourselves (thinking) and with other people to reduce current dis-comforts - i.e. to fill current needs. Six communication needs kids and adults try to fill are...

• to feel respected by yourself and each current communication partner, regardless of age, gender, knowledge, or roles. This need is constant in all social and solitary situations; and we need...

• to give and/or get credible and/or useful information; and/or...

• to cause or prevent action (change) - including changing or maintaining the psychological "dis-tance" (boundaries) between us and others. And/or we communicate...

• to vent - i.e. we need to (a) describe our current thoughts, feelings, and needs to another person and to (b) feel deeply understood and accepted by them (vs. to get "fixed"). And/or we communi-cate...

• to create excitement - i.e. to reduce numbness or boredom; and/or we communicate...

• to avoid something uncomfortable, like silence, a confrontation, a loss, a disappointment, a criticism, conflict, and unpleasant emotions and/or awarenesses.

       All six of these needs aim to increase immediate emotional, physical, or spiritual comfort. If there are other reasons you communicate with people, add them. We usually have at least two of these needs at once, because the unconscious need for self respect + mutual respect is constant. This is specially true for shame-based (wounded) people.

        Our combination of personal and social needs can vary quickly as our inner and outer environments change. Thus awareness of our respective needs, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is the keystone com-munication skill. Are you usually aware of why and how you communicate? Do you know what to do if your and your partner's communication and/or other needs and values conflict?

Premise 4)  Effective communication happens when each person involved... Gets enough of their current primary needs met (by their definition),... in a way that leaves them feeling good enough about (a) themselves, (b) all others involved, and (c) the processes in and among them.

        If you accept this definition, note two key implications:

in important exchanges, all people need to be clearly aware of what each person really needs; and

the odds of two people both achieving these two factors are 1 in 16, or about 6% ! Here's why:

Possible Communication Outcomes
primary needs met  well enough?		Feeling good enough when we're done?
mine	yours	me	you
yes	no	yes	no
no	yes	no	yes
no	no	no	no
yes	yes	yes	yes

        Because definitions of enough vary by person and circumstance, definitions of "effective verbal com-munications" vary. What you feel is effective may not match my definition. We both are "right." The defini-tion that counts is what we both believe right now. What percent of the time would you say you and your mate, and you and each child in your life, communicate effectively? How effective are you at communica-ting with yourself (thinking)?

        This premise provides a useful way to judge how effective your communication is or has been in any situation or relationship. This allows spotting current or habitual communication blocks, and using seven skills to prevent or correct them together.

        Premise 5)  Effective communication may happen when all people's current needs match well enough - e.g. I need to vent, and you need to maintain our relationship, and get information about me.

        When our respective communication (vs. other) needs conflict, we share a communication "problem." To make things more interesting, the subselves ruling each person's personality may have internal com-munication-need conflicts at any moment! ("Part of me wants to hear you clearly, and another part wants to vent!")

        Premise 6)  Face to face, we communicate on three "channels" at once:

verbal - spoken words;

voice dynamics - tone + tempo + inflection + volume + accent + non-word sounds; and...

non-verbal - face and body language.

Face to face, most of the meaning we decode from our partners' behaviors comes through our eyes (!) - specially R(espect)-messages (below). Often the least impactful meaning we exchange comes from our words, but we're taught from childhood to focus on them the most.

        The benefits of intentionally developing "channel awareness" are...

• being able to spot confusing double messages in important communications and relationships, and deciding...

• what they mean (usually that a false-self rules the speaker), and...

• whether or not to focus on reducing or stopping such confusing messages by respectful use of the seven skills.

How often are you aware of each of these three channels in important exchanges?

        Recall - we're reviewing basic premises about communication inside and between people, to help avoid or resolve communication "problems." Have you ever seen premises like these together before?

        Premise 7)  Many communications we send and decode are unconscious. We "leak" our true feelings and attitudes all the time via tiny vocal and physical cues, and we may send conflicting ("double" or "mixed") messages via different channels (e.g. words: "good to see you!"; Body, face, and tone: "I don't want to talk to you now.")

        Any motivated person (like you?) can become more aware (conscious) of their communication needs and  how they're communicating. That promotes avoiding, spotting and reducing communication problems, and significantly improving outcomes.

        Premise 8)  We try to get current communication and other needs met by exchanging up to five  concurrent messages on each of our three channels: "Right now, I am (or you are)...

• feeling...";

• needing...";

• thinking...";

• doing..."; and I...

• see you and your needs now as (more important / less important / equal to / me and my needs."

more than mine, so you feel 1-up (superior) and I'm 1-down";

less than mine, so you feel 1-down (inferior) and I'm 1-up"; or...

equally with mine (we're "= / =" - "of equal respect" here.)

        For effective communication, all people steadily need to receive credible =/= R-messages, which come from genuine Self-respect and mutual respect. This is most likely if their respective true Selves (capital "S") steadily guide their other subselves.

Reality check: think of someone you often have trouble communicating with. What would you say are the average R-messages each of you perceives from the other? Answer the same question about someone you communicate well with. What do you notice?

        Incidentally, note that your ruling subselves cause R-messages - so pretending to respect someone will usually cause a double message and earn their distrust. Have you experienced that?

        Premise 9)  Effective communication only happens when all people consistently feel stable self respect and believable mutual-respect R-messages from their partners on all three channels .

        Implication: shame-based (wounded) people often have trouble communicating effectively until they improve their self love and self respect via personal wound-recovery. This is because their ruling subselves feel worthless and unlovable (inferior), and often misinterpret respectful communications as attacks, criti-cisms, and discounts.

        My clinical experience since 1981 is that well over half of kids and adults in typical troubled families are significantly shame-based - and don't (want to) realize this or what it means.

        Premise 10)  The effectiveness of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your thinking - fuzzy and disorganized to clear, focused, and logical. The quality of your current and habitual thinking reflects...

• which subselves control your personality in calm and stressful situations,

• your working vocabulary, and...

• your awareness of your thought process and several "clear-thinking" factors. These include con- sciously avoiding...

  • vague and ambiguous terms and pronouns (it, that, this, them, sort of, those things, this problem, etc.) and...

  • "hand grenade" (emotionally explosive or evocative) terms, like "You're yellow / such a wimp / stupid / hopeless / the problem / ridiculous / pathetic / a loser / abusive / insensitive..." etc. 

        Adopting this premise can motivate you to learn the powerful skills of awareness and clear think-ing (next page). 

+ + +

Continue with three more premises about effective communication, and an introduction to seven es-sential communication skills you can learn, apply, and teach your kids. Do you need a break before con-tinuing?

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Updated  January 05, 2009