The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/evc-intro.htm
Basic premises about effective
communication, continued...
Premise8) Effectivecommunication only happens
when allpeople consistentlydecode sincere
self-respect and mutual-respect
R-messages
from their partners on
all three
channels
.
Implication:
shame-based
(wounded) people often have trouble communicating effectively until they
improve their
self love
and self respect via personal wound-recovery. This is because theirruling subselves feel
worthless and unlovable
(inferior), and often
misinterpret
respectful communications as attacks, criti-cisms, and
discounts. My clinical experience since 1981 is that
well over half
of kids and adults in typical troubled families are
significantly shame-based - and don't (want to) realize this or what it
means.
Premise
9)Many communications we send and decode are unconscious.
We "leak" our true feelings and attitudes all the time via tiny
vocal and physical cues, and we may send
conflicting messages via different channels (e.g. words: "good to see you!"; Body, face, and tone: "I'm indifferent to you now"). Any
motivated person (like you?) can become more aware
(conscious) of their communication
needs
and
how
they're communicating. That promotes spotting and reducing communication
problems,
and significantly improving
outcomes.
Premise
10) It's impossible to not communicate with people. We
unconsciously decode meanings from
silences, withdrawals, hang-ups, and
absences
as much as we do from written, verbal, and non-verbal actions. Think of this
the next time you feel or hear "S/He didn't respond."
Adopting this premise will...
expand your options for avoiding or solving
communication problems, and consistently meeting more of your and your
partner's current needs well enough.
For example: "When I assert my needs (or feelings or opinions) and you're
silent, I feel confused, uneasy, and disrespected. I really need to know
your reaction to what I just said."
Premise 11)Communication skills and effectiveness
can be improved
over time - any time. Like any learned skill, this
takes willingness to learn and change + motivation + patience + practice.
"Improving your communication effectiveness"
really means committing to get
your current primary needs met significantly more often, and helping others do the same.
These promote a more productive, satisfying life - specially if you give
your kids the priceless gift of effective communication skills!
Premise 12)Getting the maximum benefits from acting on these basic communication premises requires that your
true Self
(capital "S") consistently
guide
your other
personality subselves. Project 1
in this nonprofit site
and its related
guidebook provide perspective,
practical options,
and resources for achieving that over time.
Premise 13)Effective communication requires
shared knowledge and
awarenesses and
a committed, cooperative attitude and effort among all people involved - so it
is notalways
possible at the moment. This is specially true if one or more
people are ruled by a false self. When
this is true...
Pause and reflect. do these communication premises seem coherent and
credible? Do you think you and other key adults and kids can
communicate well (fill their primary needs) in important situations without applying
these basics? How many average adults do you think could name and
describe even five of these 13 premises? The good news is - anyone (like
you) can
learn to apply them at any time!
Now let's
shift from conceptual to practical, and put these fundamentals to work...
Seven Communication Skills
Recall this premise: all animals (including humans) instinctively
communicate to reduce current discomforts - i.e. to fill current
needs. Can you name a more essential learned skill?
People can use the premises above to learn seven interrelated skills to get
their and others' needs met more often in satisfying ways.
The skills are...
Awareness - paying nonjudgmental attention to specific things going on...
inside us - i.e. our thoughts,
feelings, and our subselves' dynamic needs and behaviors;
Clear thinking - in important communications, intentionally (a) avoiding fuzzy pronouns
and phrases, (b) staying focused, and (c) developing and using a clear,
descriptive
vocabulary;
Empathic (or reflective, or active)
listening - hearing with your
heart. Fluency in this vital skill requires awareness and clear
thinking;;
Digging down below surface needs to identify each partners' current
primary needs.
This requires the three prior skills;
Assertion of our perceptions, opinions, and needs. This requires the four prior skills
+ self and mutual respects + a clear awareness and acceptance of our
personal rights. It is respectfully...
identifying andrequesting or demanding what we need, and...
calmly handling expected "resistances" with empathic listening and then re-asserting,
until we get credible compliance or shift to problem-solving.
Metatalk: talking together as mutually-respectful teammates using awareness and a special set of
terms
about how we communicate - now
and over time; and...
Problem-solving or
conflict resolution, which is very different than debating,
explaining, arguing or fighting,
and withdrawing.
Have you ever seen these vital skills summarized before?
Has anyone ever taught you why, how, and when to use each skill effectively?
Could you describe each skill now to an average pre-teen? Could the other
important adults in your family and life do that, starting with your
childhood caregivers?
Are you modeling and teaching these basics and skills to the
young people in your life now? Doing so is a priceless
life-long gift to them and their descendents
When Do I Use Each Skill?
Learn to use them in these specific social
situations:
Use awareness and clear thinkingin allrelationship
situations. Focus on your respective communication and other
primary needs, five messages, three channels, current perceived meanings
[specially R(espect)-messages
and
E(motion)-levels, and the
processes
and
outcomes in and between you
partners.
Awarenesses creates the input to metatalk.
Use mutually-respectful empathic
listeningwhen your partner is currently distracted by intense emotions
and needs, and cannot hear you.Effectiveempathic listening brings a partner's
intense
emotions down "below their ears," which restores their hearing
and comprehending. This skill requires
empathy, genuine (vs. pseudo) mutual respect, patience, and awareness skill.
Listening is not
(necessarily) agreeing!
Use respectful assertion if you need to talk more than your
partner does - specially if your emotions are intense. Use assertion when their ears are open (e.g. via empathic listening). Effective
assertion requires (a) genuine mutual respect (R-messages exchanged:
"=/=") and (b) fluency in the three communication skills above.
Alternatives to assertion are aggression (focusing on your own needs only
- attitude: "I'm 1-up") and submission (discounting or ignoring your own needs -
attitude: "I'm 1-down").
Use
metatalk, digging down,
and problem solving any time you and a partner have
conflicting
communication
and
other needs. involves...
clearly identifying what you eachreally
need now,
cooperatively
brainstorming what options exist to fill each of your main needs;
and then...
staying focused on seeking a compromise that fits well
enough for both
of you.
Usually, problem-solving
fills all participants needs permanently only if
each person is guided
by their true Selves, and
consistently receives genuine mutual-respect messages!
Reflect: how likely is it that the adults and kids who are most important to
you could name and describe these skills, and when to use each of them?
What if they could?
Options
Check your knowledge communication basics by
getting undistracted, and responding thoughtfully to this
quiz.
Adopt the open mind of a student, get
undistracted, and review this presentation on introducing effective problem-solving
- slides
or text.
Study these examples of
lose-lose and win-win
communication between partners, and compare them to your habits.
Compare these
premises about relationship
problems to your own beliefs; Then...
Choose another article from this Project-2
index, and continue learning and experimenting. For ex-ample, follow the
links to read more about each of the seven skills, and/or take this
inventory of your communication strengths...
Recap
This
nonprofit Web site proposes that effective communication is the most
powerful learned skill people like you have to fill their primary needs.
It also suggests that regardless of education and life
maturity, typical
adults - specially many parents - can't communicate effectively because
they're
wounded
and don't know what they need to know.
This
Project-2 article
introduces a series on effective communication
basics and resources. It proposes (a) a two-level
definition of effective communication,
13 premises about it, and (c) summarizes
seven powerful, learnable
communication skills:
My
unique, practical guidebook for
learning effective communications is Satisfactions
-
7 relationship skills you need to know. (Xlibris.com, 2002).
It integrates the key articles and resources in this site."Satisfactions" means "Our needs are filled."
Also widen
your perspective with these other selected books
on aspects of effective communication. In 45 years' study, I've never
found any book that focuses on the basic premises and seven
skills in this article - have you?
What would your life be like if you could fill your daily and
special needs (solve your problems) twice as often as you do now
- and feel good about how you do that? What would it be like if
your descendents were able to do that?
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? If you got what
you needed, what do you need now? If you didn't,
what do you need?
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/evc-intro.htm
Seven Communication 