The Web address of this
five-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/kids.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your brow-ser's
popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the Web
site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article
is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more
you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
|
The unique guidebook
(Xlibris.com, 2002) integrates the key communication arti-cles and resources
in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.
|
+ + +
This article offers ways to
improve communication outcomes with the young people in your life. It provides...
&
To get the most from
investing time in this article, first...
try this self-assessment
quiz to gauge your knowledge. Then study these...
effective-communication basics -
slides or text
useful communication suggestions and
tips,
common communication
blocks, and study...
this introduction to normal
personality subselves (like yours!) - slides
or text
Think of one or more kids in your life with whom you have significant
trouble communicating with. Then identify one
of more kids you can generally communicate "well" (effectively) with. Keep these
children in
mind as you absorb the options below...
+ + +
What's the Problem?
Premises - any behavior in one person that causes a "significant" mental /
emotional / physical / and/or spiritual reaction in another person is
"communication." Significant is a subjective judgment. Living things instinctively communicate
(behave) to avoid or reduce current
discomforts (fill needs) and to in-crease local pleasures. So
effective human
communication...
-
fills each
participant's current
well enough,
-
in a way
that leaves everyone respecting themselves, each other, and the process
between them well enough.
Effective communication on important topics is often hard to achieve between average
adults because of
their
and unseen psychological
It's often harder to
communicate effectively with typical kids, because...
Kids Aren't Adults
(Duh)
People of different races struggle to understand each other's
alien verbal and
non-verbal languages. In some respects, typical kids and adults
are "aliens" seeking to be understood and decode each other's unique needs,
traits, and languages.
How would you summarize the key differences between typical adults and minor kids?
Compare your view with these generalities:
average minor kids...
-
have less life experience and knowledge
than adults, so
they're more prone to "bad judgment" ('mistakes'), unrealistic expectations, misunderstandings,
wrong assumptions, and disagreeing with adult opinions,
and...
-
kids'
(capital "S") is inexperienced, so they depend on the Selves of their adults to guide and
protect them. If their grownups
are ruled by
average kids acquire and carry signifi-cant false-self
(psychological) wounds into adulthood. And...
-
typical kids have shorter attention spans, undeveloped social
skills, and smaller vocabularies than average women and men. And kids...
-
have been self-centered since infancy, so they
usually have 1-person
unless they're scared, concerned, or curious;
and average kids...
-
are more impulsive and focused on immediate
gratification than healthy adults. Their
are much less developed than
those in healthy
adults, so kids are more prone to present-moment confusion,
volatility, and
mind-changing. And most kids...
-
have
fewer and different social responsibilities than average adults - i.e. they have fewer
needs and priorities to balance, so
they can't empathize with
the dynamic complexity of adults' needs, priori-ties, and feelings. In
particular, kids can't empathize with the complex roles and goals of
mother, father, grandmother, and grandfather - tho they may think
they can;
And typical kids...
-
may be more
and/or
than average adults,
depending on how
(loving),
patient, and empathic their caregivers have been so far; and kids...
-
have different age-related interests
(priorities) than most adults; and they...
-
are physically weaker than able adults, may
be quicker, and are less aware and knowledgeable of their changing bodies; and
typical kids...
-
are (a) less secure, (b) more needy of adult and peer
acceptance and approval, and (c) more reactive to possible or perceived scorn,
disapproval,
rejection, and abandonment; and children...
-
are less able to identify and
describe their feelings and primary needs than healthy, aware adults, and are more apt to be
frustrated by this. And also, kids...
-
may be more volatile in (have less
control over) expressing their emotions, unless they protectively
or repress them; and average kids...
-
may be more aggressive
or more
timid and submissive (1-down) than average healthy adults; and they...
-
are often more prone to
and
taking health risks, because they feel invincible and im-mortal; and...
-
kids instinctively need to
test
repeatedly when their
and/or physical environment changes, to
learn...
-
"Who makes the rules and decisions now?"
-
"Am I (and any siblings)
safe now?"
-
"How important are my needs in this home
now?" and...
-
"How much power do I have in my home
and family now?"
Lacking communication skills,
often their way of testing seems like rebellion, indifference,
disrespect, "forgetting," and/or defiance. And as they age, kids...
-
eventually face the confusing, scary,
exciting identity and role transitions from dependent child to independent adult. By their mid-20s, most
adults have already made this transition, and may be losing empathy for
what it feels like. (Remember?) And...
-
typical post-puberty teens and some young
adults have additional differences (below).
Add your own
child / adult differences...
|
Pause
and think of a special child in your life. Do many of these differences
apply to her or him? Does this summary help you accept that every
minor child is a kind
of "alien" whose traits and lan-guage you have to learn in order to express
effectively and understand
theirs? |
Each
of the concurrent differences above ranges from minor to major in impact, depending on the
age,
family
and
life-experience of kids and adults. Typical over-busy, distracted adults often
forget what being a child felt like - true?
Note
that
or childish adults who aren't aware of being controlled by
often have many of these same
"alien" traits, compared to
psychologically-healthier adults guided by their wise
subselves
and
Also note that some kids from low-nurturance families have to ma-ture
quickly to survive, and may seem like "little
adults." They are not, no matter how responsible and intelligent
they are.
Bottom line - these many differences combine to make effective communication
between typical minor kids
and adults hard at any age. Do you agree? To adapt successfully to these
many differences, adults (like you) need to want to acquire some...
Requisites for Effective Communication
Premises
- Needs are physical, emotional, and spiritual discomforts. Nurturing
means "filling (reducing) needs." Learning to communicate effectively with girls and
boys is part of a larger goal - learning to provide consistent "high-nurturance
childcare." So adults need to want to work patiently and
cooperatively to gain the requisites below
before trying "communication techniques" with any
kids.
|
Typical "problem kids" are being raised by adults who haven't
done many or most of the tasks below. "Communication problems"
with kids are usually signs of
caregivers and
parenting. Once admitted, these can be reduced over time!
|
Option - use what follows as
a checklist to (a) affirm your achievements and strengths, and to (b) identify what you and/or
other family adults need to improve. For satisfying communication
outcomes with young people, each adult must want to...
-
commit to
their
to
them, and
any significant psychological wounds
(i.e. progress on family
This usually requires wounded adults to hit
first - often in mid-life.
Without this commitment, the other requisites don't matter much.
-
make thoughtful, responsible
(vs. impulsive) child-conception decisions;
-
(a) learn how to intentionally co-create a
high-nurturance environment for themselves and depen-dent kids,
and (b) give steady high priority to doing that together. And adults must want to...
-
learn effective-communication
basics and
model and teach seven
That includes learning how to avoid or resolve common blocks like
these. And adults (you) need to...
-
assess themselves for these
troublesome personality/communication traits, and commit to
re-ducing them - in general, and with kids:
|
inability to
boredom / apathy
|
/ sarcasm
"duality" (teens)
/
significant
impulsiveness
|
little empathy
/ inferiority
mis-assumptions
"moodiness"
independence
irritability
obsessions |
rigidity
selfishness
volatility / reactivity
excessive
|
