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General
options for effective communication with minor kids, continued from p. 1
8) Define your criteria for
an "important situation." What seems
routine or trivial to you can be very important to a child, and vice versa!
9)
Make sure your Self
(capital "S") is steadily
your
Other-wise, lower your expectations.
10)
Check each of you for significant emotional, physical, and
environmental distractions.
Seek to reduce any you find before trying important
(non-emergency) communications.
A
common invisible distraction is
in you and the child. Attend them first before tackling mutual problems.
Option - teach kids about
or "inner voices" and inner conflicts at an age-appropriate level. This
takes patience!
11) "Problems" are unfilled
(discomforts), so identify
specifically (a) what you need from the child, and (b) guesstimate what
s/he needs from you
now. In important situ-ations, work to
the
causing your respective
and other needs (discomforts).
Be alert for
(e.g. I need action, and you need to vent) and resolve them after any
internal conflicts. Suggestion - teach the child what
com-munication-needs and need-conflicts are, and how to resolve them.
12)
Work to maintain an
attitude of mutual respect, despite your age and knowledge
differences. Difficulty doing this often
indicates a well-meaning
controls you. Periodically ask yourself "What verbal and
non-verbal
is this child receiving from me?"
Suggestion - teach each child
about R-messages, and how to evaluate and describe them. Premise:
respect must be earned,
so disrespect in a
child is often the adults' fault. Do you agree?
13)
Maintain comfortable eye contact, and minimize intimidation and
shame by getting on the same eye-level with the child where possible to
avoid looking down on them.
14)
Watch for chances to affirm
and praise the child when you honestly feel appreciative.
Have fun using "dodge-proof"
praise-assertions! Suggestion - review your attitude
about
in yourself and the child, and update it as needed.
15)
Ponder this memo for
perspective on any child. Suggestion - read and discuss the memo
with them in age-appropriate terms.
16) Watch for
and teach
kids what they are and model and explain how to
them;
17)
Watch for loyalty (priority)
conflicts, and teach kids what they are, and model and explain
how to manage them;
18) Watch for Persecutor
- Victim - Rescuer (PVR)
and teach kids what they are and model how to manage them;
19) Study and tailor these
options about effective child
discipline to fit your values
and situation;
20) Review these
effective-assertion
and plan to use
as the child "resists;"
21)
Watch your respective
If the child's level goes "above their ears," slow down and use
until their E-level drops "below their ears" and their hearing resumes;
22) Respectfully model and
coach the child to use two-person
being careful not to
them. Make a game out of this with young kids;
23)
Mentally review your Personal
Bill of Rights, and use it to justify your assertions. Stay aware that
the child has equal dignity and
rights, regardless of age, gender, and your greater
responsibilities and knowledge! If you don't agree, or "forget" this, a
false-self proba-bly controls you;
24) When appropriate, tell the
child whether you're making a
("No" or "Maybe" are OK responses) or a demand ("No" or
"Maybe later") are not acceptable).
25)
Ask for (and offer)
on important points ("Please tell me what you just heard me
say."), and model them with the child. Stay clear that hearing
does not neces-sarily mean agreeing.
26)
Practice
and watch for communication strengths
and
27)
Train yourself to be aware of your voice tone, eye contact, and body
language. If they don't match your words or each other (a
other people will be confused and distrustful of you but may not say so.
"Words may lie, but bodies don't."
28)
be concrete, brief, and specific.
Avoid
vague terms and pronouns
(like it, them, they, those things, that stuff, sort of, the
problem, deal with, work through,...) and
"hand-gren-ade"
(emotionally-provocative) terms
and phrases. (This helps with adults, too!).
29)
stay focused on one need or problem at a time, until you both feel
done with it. Pa-tiently help kids learn the value of this, and how to
stay focused; This requires steady self and mutual awareness - i.e.
stable two-person awareness bubbles;
30) keep your language simple,
and avoid long explanations and lectures. Don't assume kids know the
meaning of common words - check it out - (Monica, can you tell me what
'distracted' means?"). Intentionally help the child build her/his
vocabulary - a win-win project!
31)
Practice the art of using metaphors and parables (stories) to interest kids
and illus-trate your points (e.g. it's better to teach a hungry person
how to fish than to give them a fish;" and "She was as nervous as
a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.")
32)
Apply these communication tips and
phrases as appropriate; and...
33)
With specially vexing or complex
relationship problems, try
your usual com-munication
to spot
and options for improvement.
34)
Learn how to spot and decline (a) lose-lose
and (b) divisive
and teach your child/ren how to manage them;
35)
Patiently nourish the child's self-respect
and your own, and
help
each youngster avoid unwarranted
and
self-shaming every chance you get!;
36) Learn
"good grief" basics, and be
alert for chances to help kids grieve. Learn grieving
terms, and model and
teach the child how to be an effective
grief supporter.
37)
Avoid...
"mind reading" - assuming you know what a child is thinking,
feeling, and needing; and...
dictating what a child should feel ("You must feel real
guilty, Ramon.")
Both of these often send
R(espect)-messages, despite your good intentions
38)
(add your
own communication guidelines)
39)
40)
Stretch, breathe, and reflect. We just reviewed...
-
two requisites for effective communication
with anyone; (can you name them?)
-
reasons why typical kids are "aliens"
compared to average adults;
-
basic requisites for communicating with kids
effectively, (can you name them?) and...
-
37 (!) options for communicating
effectively with any child. Most apply equally to adults.
+ + +
What are you
now? Which of these options do you want to remember and/or try out? Have you ever
seen options like these in one place before? How many adults do you think
could name even 15 of these 37 options? Do you think average schools are teaching
these communication tools and techniques to average kids? I doubt it.
Do you agree now that many adults don't know what they don't know about
communicating with the youngsters (and adults) in their homes and lives?
Without informed intervention, their kids will grow up equally
unaware.
|
The
rest of this article builds on the general options above, and adds specific
suggestions for communicating effectively with pre-teens and teens. If you
know such kids, keep them in mind as you read this...
|
Options for Communicating
Better with
Pre-teens
Try
saying the main differences between adults (you) and average pre-teens out
loud now. Then review the summary on p. 1
to see how well you did. Your awareness and acceptance of these
differen-ces will determine how empathic and respectful you are in
communicating with pre-teens.
Paradox - your family adults may only be able to name a few of these
typical differences - yet if they read the list on page 1 they'll probably
think or say "Yeah, I knew that."
This illustrates the un-awareness that significantly
typical homes, relationships, and families - like yours?
Pre-teens' unique traits invite adult communication-strategies like these: (option
- use this as a checklist with your other family adults and supporters)...
38) Teach the child...
-
what
needs are
(physical and emotional discomforts),
-
that it's normal and
OK (vs.
weak and shameful) to be "needy,"
-
it's good to be able to
(a)
and
(b)
what s/he needs
in important situa-tions, without anxiety or
Option
- explain and illustrate each of these two vital skills as appropriate.
Practice (a) asking "What
do you need (from me) right now?" and then listening; and (b)
saying "I need you to ___."
-
encourage each pre-teen to (a) identify and name their
specific
and other
needs, and (b) summarize yours, when
appropriate. Praise children when
they can do this, and patiently coach (vs. criticize) them when they can't;
and teach him or her...
-
to value and grow his/her vocabulary - explain and
illustrate new words, and praise the child for using new words
correctly. Put special emphasis on words that describe feelings,
and relationship
dynamics.
Suggestion - try making a range
of faces and sounds, and ask the child to name each one. The ask the
child to make faces and sounds (like a sigh or growl), and you name
them.
And model and teach young kids...
-
what their personal
rights are as a dignified person,
and how and when to...
-
be aware of common communication blocks, what
to call them, and how to spot and talk
about them (how to use meta-comments).
This will make communication-prob-lem solving progressively easier
over time! And teach kids...
-
how to
and accept praise without discomfort, vs.
dismissing, discounting, or deflecting it; and teach...
-
how to express and use
effectively. Can
you do that yet? And teach
kids...
-
how to disagree and
(assert)
respectfully.
39)
Patiently model, explain, and teach each of the seven effective
communication
This will pay off when the teen years hit and for the rest of
each child's life.
40) Intentionally strive to merit each child's
(a) trust that it's safe to express themselves with you, and (b)
respect. Don't accept the traditional illusion that "kids must
respect their elders." Did you?
41)
View "rebellion"
or "defiance" as normal testing by the child for
(a) her or his family status and
(b) personal security. Typical insecure kids need to know who's in charge of
their home and family, and what the rules and consequences are, tho they won't say so,
and may not like them.
Did you realize how many options you have with pre-teens? You can probably think of other stra-tegies to improve your interactions with the pre-teens in your
life. Pause and reflect on what you just read. Let's
expand that idea with a related project...
Options for Communicating with
Typical Teens
This section (a) hilights six key differences between teens and adults,
and (b) illustrates options for handling eight common adult-teen
communication problems. If there are
teens in your life that you have trouble communicating well with, keep
them in mind as you review these...
Six Teen-Adult Differences
Several key adult-teen differences will affect your communication with
adolescents. Recall your teen years and see if these
premises feel valid:
-
Teen's bodies are changing
in exciting, alien
ways which are often confusing and embarrassing to talk about with adults
and some peers. One result is that
their personal
is
silently shift-ing
from boy or girl (child) to
young man or woman (adult). Typical girls experience this exciting,
confusing change before boys. This promotes shifts in their own and others'
expectations of the child's capabilities and responsibilities - e.g. "You should
be able to be on time by now!"
Typical teens (and many adults) have not learned how to discuss these
complex physical, emotional, social and family-role changes and the new
needs they cause, so teens may be extra reactive to being confused,
"making mistakes," or appearing stupid or incompetent as an
emerging young adult.
Confusion is sure for all family members, because for an
unpredictable period of time, typical teens can feel and seem schizophrenic
- one moment a child, the next moment an arrogant, impulsive, idealistic,
naive, thoughtful, sweet, and/or defensive young pre-adult.
So
during this transition period, you're communicating with (at least) two
people in one body!
Each persona has different values and priorities, and a different
Remember what this was like?
Option - experiment with the idea that at any time, you may
be communicating with "Alex (or whomever) number One" (the child) or
"Alex number Two" (the young adult). Both are valuable and valid
persons!
-
Older teens are approaching the end of high
school, and are
experiencing bewildering choices about
(a) what to do after graduation and (b) how much responsibility to assume for that.
They often assume they know how the world works, and
don't seek or want adult advice, lectures, limits, or warnings - unless
they're living in a
family.
-
Typical
teens' priorities and allegiances are shifting from
their family adults to peers, with whom they need to be in constant
contact. That often causes unfamiliar, concurrent
adult-teen
and
conflicts and relationship
that require adult understanding, empathy,
patience, respect, and communication skills to
negotiate. Do you
have those?
-
Teens won't know
about
or effective-communication
basics and
This
can be doubly
problematic if you adults (a) don't know them either, and (b) aren't usually
by your
Two more key teen-adult differences are...
-
Teens lack the life experience and self-awareness of adults
in general, and in specific roles like spouse, parent, voter,
property owner and manager, investor, taxpayer, and self-responsible
woman or man. This means they
will often be unable to empathize with adult needs, priorities,
(some) feelings, and responsibilities. Chiding or punishing a teen for
"insensitivity" or "selfishness" is usually shaming, and promotes the
child's hurt, resentment, guilt, distrust, and rebellion.
-
Seeking
independence, peer acceptance,
and excitement, many
teens are vulnerable to try-ing
risky new experiences like drugs, "defiance,"
breaking rules, body-mutilation, and sexual inter-course. They may sense
these are "wrong," but (their dominant false selves) may feel invincible
and/or rebellious and do them anyway.
Many teens haven't learned how to
their needs and boundaries
respectfully ("tactfully"), so they may seem arrogant,
rude, and
selfish.
This can also promote signifi-cant secrecy, denials, lying, and arguing (vs.
problem-solving)
with caregivers who don't fully trust the teen's judgment yet.
|
So
- in important communications, remind
yourself that
your teens are not
adults yet, tho they often won't accept that. This doesn't mean you should
talk down to them. Coach yourself to empa-thize with the six differences above as you
form your expectations, boundaries, and praises with your high-potential teens.
|
With
that guideline in mind, let's look at your options for managing...
Eight Communication Challenges with Teens
(and Many Adults)
Most
ineffective adult-teen communications are caused by several basic issues.
The
rest of this article illustrates effective
options for understanding and reacting to them.
These illustrations presume your
family
adults are intentionally acquiring these effective-communication
requisites
- specially, work-ing to keep your true Self
of your personality. If you're not, the suggestions below will probably be of
little help.
Typical pre-teens may cause these same problems, but don't have the
experience or vocabulary that teens do - so keep that in mind when adapting
strategies like those below to younger kids.
Common adult-teen communication problems include...
-
disrespectful behaviors,
like interrupting, sarcasm, ignoring, not listening, blaming, discounting, aggression, sullenness,
rudeness, and indifference,
-
self-centeredness,
arrogance, and lack of empathy
-
excessive volatility,
moodiness, and impatience
-
dishonesty,
withholding, and secrecy
-
arguing, debating ("Yes, but..."),
challenging, and manipulating
-
silences,
evasions, and/or "I don't know" (withholding)
-
covert or open defiance ("rebellion"), and...
-
"duality" - inconsistent (child < > adult) behaviors.
Key Adult Problems
Each of these vexing surface problems (symptoms) can be caused by up to
six interactive
adult factors: the grownups...
are significantly
and
and don't (want to) admit that and what it
and
they...
lack empathy for all the
differences between them and their teen/s, so they have unrealis-tic
expectations of their children which frustrates everyone; and the
teen's adults...
un/consciously
than their child's needs (in non-emergencies) because they're "older
and wiser," have more responsibility; and they (arrogantly)
expect the teen to accept that without hurt and resentment. And many
adults...
don't know or admit that they've trained their
teen to expect a disrespectful false self to
interact with them; and they...
aren't aware of - or
haven't consistently followed - many of the suggestions above when
the teen was younger. In particular, their adults haven't learned to
practice and teach effective-communication basics
and
and they often
(a) lack
and (b) model some of
these communication
And
like their ancestors, many parents and caregivers
aren't motivated to learn how to...
clearly
(a) what they need
and (b) what their teen needs, and to rank these needs
except in emergencies,
assert,
and
(fill their
mutual needs) effectively,
and enforce
appropriate consequences (limits) respectfully, and...
how to
praise
effectively.
This premise will seem more credible with some examples with each of the
communication prob-lems above. Use these examples a guidelines, not rigid "cook book"
responses. Try to sense the themes of these illustrations rather
than the details. These examples assume you want to become
fluent with effective-communication basics
and skills. If you don't want to, you're probably unaware of being wounded and ruled
by a false self.
Continue
with communication strategies for these eight adult - teen problems...
