Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents

Effective Couple Communication
 p. 2 of 3

Example: Doing All the
Right Things - Intentionally

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/02/lose-lose2.htm

        This page continues a 3-page example of ineffective and effective couple-communication. It replays the situation in page 1 using the seven Project-2 communication skills.

Replay Using the Project-2 Skills

        Jim comes home from work, tired, and goes to their bedroom to change clothes. Rae joins him there, greatly frustrated about her stepdaughter’s messing up the bathroom and ignoring Rae - again. In this example, both mates have worked together for months to become aware of (a) loyalty conflicts and (b) their conflict-resolution style.

        They’re now used to switching between what is bugging one or both of them (the topic), and discus-sing how they try to resolve their problems (skills: awareness, metatalk, and empathic listening). Neither partner did this before their remarriage, nor did their parents.

Effective Couple's Dialog  Awareness Observations
Rae: “You look pooped, Hon”
  • "=/=" (mutually respectful) attitude in action;
Jim nods and snorts, “Yeah. They seem to have put more hours in this day than usual. I am tired! How’re you?"

  • Feels acknowledged; gives feedback;

  • Acknowledges his wife (=/=)
Rae grimaces, and says with humorous sarcasm: “Well, brace your Self, dear. I’m re-ally upset - again. It’s replay 118 of our favorite stepfamily loyalty conflict, starring us and Georgia.”

  • Vents, and returns an “=/=” message.

  • If Rae had said with cutting sarcasm “starring…your daughter”, or “…my wonderful stepdaughter”, Jim probably would have immediately felt attacked and defensive.
Jim rolls his eyes, and groans wearily. “Oh, yuk, Rae. What now?”

  • Genuine listening, despite weariness and a little apprehension; implied R-message to Rae: “your feelings and needs are genuinely important to me right now.”
Rae: “I really need to talk with you about it, Jim. Are you up for that now, or do you need some time to unwind?”

  • Respectful “=/=” attitude again, based on Rae’s trust that Jim will willingly focus with her on their loyalty conflict when he feels less distracted by work issues and weariness.
Jim is silent for a moment. “Thanks. I think I’d be a better player if I took a breather before we talk. How ‘bout we take a walk after dinner - maybe over to the park?”

  • Guilt-free Self-care in action, based on Self respect, and trust that Rae is genuinely willing to defer her need to talk, out of respect for his needs. He also trusts that if she can’t wait, she’ll say so now.

  • “=/=” reassurance; Jim proposes a specific (kid-free) time, rather than a vague “Let’s talk about it later, OK?” (implication: “I will work with you on this tonight”)
Rae nods thoughtfully, unsmiling. “OK, Hon, that works for me. But I really need something to change here, Jim!”
  • Flexing co-operatively on her (communication) need for immediate discussion; Re-emphasizes her needs to vent and problem-solve (cause change)
Jim looks into her eyes, and nods. “Yeah, well … let’s take another swing at it after dinner. Do you need some help with feeding the tribe now?” 

  • non-defensive acknowledgment;

  • Shifting clearly to other current co-parenting needs with light humor
Rae nods, and sighs. “Yeah, I do. That’d be nice.” She moves close and they hug wordlessly for a moment.  
  • Mutual non-verbal affirmation and support as true teammates;
        After dinner and clean-up, Rae and Jim see that the kids are into their homework. They tell Nick and Georgia they’re going to walk their spaniel Raquel to the park. 

        Jim adds “We’re working on another loyalty conflict, guys, so stay tuned. We’re probably gonna need your help. We’ll be back in about 45” or so.” 

     The couple firmly deflect questions from the kids about this and other issues.

  • Co-parenting teamwork; deferring marital problem-solving to reduce possible emotional distractions from concerns about the kids. The kids know what a loyalty conflict is from prior talks;

  • Respecting the kids’ needs to know what’s going on, and to feel included: =/= attitude;

  • Staying focused; Demonstrating to the kids that their remarriage is a mutual high priority  now;
They leave, Raquel pulling eagerly on her leash. After a few moments, Jim says: “OK, Lady R. What’s up - or down?”  
  • Jim invites problem-solving indirectly, and keeps his promise to work with Rae tonight. He doesn’t pre-judge, and prepares to listen;

  Continued ...

Effective Couple's Dialog  Awareness Observations
Rae sighs, reviewing her day. “You can guess. I am really  ticked with Georgia - again. She left her towel on the bathroom floor, her breakfast dishes all over the kitchen, and after school she managed to deposit half her wardrobe all over the living room. Nickie sees her doing this, and I …”

  • Venting: factually (vs. dramatically) reporting the source of her present frustration;

  • Now dramatizing and exaggerating

  • Starts to de-focus
Jim raises his free hand. “Whoa, whoa - I think you’re bringing up a second problem. Sounds like you’re real frustrated again that Georgia messed up our house, and you need something from me about that.” He looks at Rae’s profile, as the street lights come on.

  • Awareness: staying focused on one issue.

  • Empathic "=/=" listenting: Jim restates objectively what he hears, and what’s implied about Rae’s current surface need;
Rae: “Thanks. I was starting to confuse our issue - I’m so worked up about this… And yes, I do need something from you about Georgia. We’ve struggled with this so often, Jim … I’m feeling really discouraged.”  

  • respectful, non-defensive acknowledgment as a teammate, not an opponent;

  • factually owns her current surface need and feelings, vs. denying and/or attacking;
Jim: “You’re weary of this old hassle, Rae, and you don’t see a good way out, for now …”  
  • More empathic listening. Implied message: “I understand, value, and accept  your feelings and needs here, Rae”
Rae nods, looking away.
  • She feels respected and empathically heard by her husband (vs. agreed with)
Jim: “So let’s problem-solve, OK?” Rae nods again. “Can you say what you need from me here?”  

  • Invites their shared resolution process;

  • Consciously avoids an instinctive male response to fix ‘Rae’s problem’ immediately (implication: “You can’t solve this: I can, and should; I'm "1 up")
Rae: “I’ll try. It’s hard, Jim. There seems to be so many pieces to this … Uh,…I need … to find some way of motivating Georgia to respect my need for order and neatness in my home space.

As her stepmom, I don’t feel right imposing a lot of consequences on her yet. It’s so different with Nickie…”  

  • Rae uses “I need” (ownership) vs. “you need…”, which is 1-up mind-reading and dictating;

  • Struggles to get clear on her surface need (“order and neatness in my home …”);

  • Begins to describe two other problems: co-parent role-confusion and feeling powerless...
Jim nods, having heard versions of this before. They pause while Raquel investigates a bush.

“So basically, Hon, you’re feeling disrespected and ignored again by my daughter, and, um… real frustrated, and powerless … because you’re not Georgia’s Biomom”

  • Consciously uses awareness to avoid (a) getting de-focused on the two new problems, and (b) acting on his instinctive urges to defend Georgia and himself, blame Rae, and start offering explanations and/or solutions (whew!); and ...

  • Jim empathically (=/=) estimates Rae’s primary needs, which are to feel “I have some power and choices here: I don’t have to be a victim in my family and my home”;
Rae looks at Jim, and nods. Her voice is less sharp and intense. “Yeah, Hon, that’s good. That feels real close.”

Jim (genuinely interested): “So is there more?”  

  • Rae’s emotions are calming because she feels clearly heard and accepted (i.e. respected, and important to her husband.

  • Again intentionally deferring his growing need to vent his side, because from prior experience, he trusts Rae to listen soon;
Rae: “Well, yes. Yes there is! It really bothers me, Jim, that you don’t get as upset as I do about this. I feel like the Queen Grinch all the time. Another part of the problem is that when Georgia’s with her Mom, anything goes.

       There are no rules! I mean Georgia’s being taught that it’s perfectly normal to hang your underwear from the ceiling light, and leave a can of peaches to rot on the kitchen counter … I dread every time Georgia gets ready to vi…”

  • Feels heard, safe, and respected;

  • Stays focused on describing her surface needs (vs. defending or attacking Jim);

  • Begins to (a) gunnysack (bring up a cluster of related unresolved problems without focusing), to (b) flood (non-stop venting); and to (c) blame and (d) complain about Georgia’s biomom Nina.
Jim’s voice gets firm. “Rae, stop. Slow down! It feels like we’ve got about four problems going now, and the list is growing. Let’s go back to what you need from me about Georgia’s not respecting you - OK?”  

  • Asserting as an =/= teammate;

  • Blocks Rae’s “flooding” respectfully;

  •  Uses =/= (vs. blameful) refocusing;
Rae clutches her head and shakes it, laughing. “Awright, awright, Dr. Freud. I was getting a little carried away there. But those other problems are real, too,

       Jim. I need some problem-solving with you on Georgia’s visitations, and on me feeling more and more like the wicked witch of the West, too. And, uh, also on my worry that Nickie’s picking up bad habits from Georgia and her Mom.”

  • Non-defensive acknowledgment of Jim’s invitation to focus and continue. Rae's true Self remains in charge;

  • Restating three other problems, and emphasizing that they’re significant to her too; (deferring, not giving in);

         Problem-solving example, continued ...

Effective Couple's Dialog  Awareness Observations
Jim crouches and talks to Raquel, who looks startled. “Well, girl, I hope you’re in shape. Looks like we’re gonna be taking a lot of walks together …”
  • Instinctively using humor to re-ground them both and lighten the mood; His true Self is in charge too.
Rae smiles, and strokes Jim’s shoulder. “I am so glad you’re willing to listen to me about all this stuff, Hon. It makes it a lot easier for me.

        When we talk, I don’t feel so … alone.” Their eyes meet for a long moment. “Do you think there’s some way out of all this?”  

  • Loving, assertive affirmation from Rae’s heart; Jim’s problem-solving patience and motivation are acknowledged and nourished;

  • Non-verbal intimacy, strengthening their mutual feeling of partnership here;
Jim: “I dunno, Babe. But if not, it sure won’t be for lack of us trying! It’s … hard for me, too. Uh, are you in a place to hear my reactions, or d’you need to spew some more?”  

  • Remarital commitment, =/= communication awareness,  patience, co-leading their resolution process;

  • Jim starts to assert his feelings and needs, testing Rae’s current “done-ness”; uses awareness and metatalk. 
Rae: “Well, I feel pretty well heard, for now, Jim. I want to know what you need, now. About Georgia’s ignoring me. No, I mean about my feeling ignored by her.” She grinned.

  • Focusing, and continuing their joint resolution process;

  • Rae takes responsibility, vs. blaming stepdaughter Georgia.
Jim: “I feel a lot of stuff, Rae … Frustration that we haven’t found a way through this yet, and sympathy for you.

        I know Georgia can be pretty self-centered at times, but she’s just a normal kid, and a good one! Any teeny-bopper’s going to leave a litter trail, you know? I mean last Tuesday, Nickie …”

  • Consciously avoids blaming, counter-attacking, and defending;

  • Empathizes with Rae’s feelings …

  • Begins to defend his daughter and “normal-ize” (even out) Rae’s reaction to Georgia by starting to focus on “equal” littering by Rae’s son (defocusing, starting to bring in a new dynamic);
Rae snorted. “My turn: now I think you’re bringing in another issue. Stay on track, OK? I feel your main points just now were that you’re frustrated with our loyalty conflict, too - and you feel Georgia’s a normal, good, pre-teen kid.”

  • Respectful assertion; guiding the resolution process by refocusing;

  • Empathic listening: restating Jim’s point concisely, without rebuttal or comment.

Continued.... 

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Updated October 03, 2008