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This is one of 150+ Web articles exploring factors that promote
relationship and family health and satisfactions. This brief
introduction
describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this
information. Each article is part of a
mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll
all make.
This article is one of a
series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving. The series summarizes seven learnable communication
(relationship)
that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving
social conflicts effectively.
The unique guidebook
(Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key and Project-2 Web articles and
resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional
help.
Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
Learning to use these seven powerful communication skills and
teaching them to kids and interested adults is the second of
adults can master for
relationships and
families. The alternative is
ineffective thinking and
which promotes unfilled personal and social needs,
kids, and significant
and ill-health.
This article assumes you're
familiar with these basic principles. It
supplements these effective-communication tips,
and this inventory of your communication strengths. The article provides a group of phrases that can improve
communication outcomes if...
your
is steadily
your other
and...
you're clear
enough on what you
from any communication partner; and...
you keep a
stable two-person
and a genuine attitude of
as you communicate, and...
you (a) use an
effective Bill of Personal Rights to guide your
behavior with other people, and you (b) respect their equal rights, in
all situations.
Do you usually meet these criteria with other people?
As you read this article,
keep these basic premises in mind:
-
all animals instinctively
communicate to avoid or reduce discomforts, or needs.
-
any behavior that
significantly affects another person emotionally, physically, mentally,
or spiritually is "communication" - so "not communicating" is
impossible.
-
infants, kids, and adult
instinctively seek to fill two to six current
- so they can fill current
-
effective
communication occurs when...
-
each person involved
fills their current primary needs well enough (in their opinion),
and...
-
they feel good enough
about themselves, any partners, and their shared process.
Notice whether you're using versions of any of these phrases now -
and if so, what results you get.
The article closes with the description of a safe two-person
exercise illustrating the silliness of verbal
power struggles.
Useful
Phrases and Questions
When powered by
a genuine (vs. dutiful or strategic) mutual-respect attitude, the questions and
phrases below can help raise communication
effectiveness. Experiment with them, note the results, and tailor them to
fit your personal styles. For each of these you don't use now, notice what
you do (or don't) say - and what usually happens.
Do you
and your communication partners get your
met well enough? Sense the themes of these tools, and
develop your own. Brevity, focus, and comfortable eye contact help a lot.
So does having your
(capital "S")
be in charge of your
Hilight, asterisk, circle, or check
several of these that you want to experiment with. Then pick several more...
-
“What’s
best for our marriage (or relationship) here?”
-
“Right
now, I need (specifically)... (from you)”
-
“I
can’t hear you when…”
-
“What
seems to help our resolution-process succeed is…”
-
“I
really appreciate it when you... ”
-
“I’m
getting distracted by _____. Could we stop, and resume this at
(some specific time and place”)?”
-
“I’m
(not) feeling heard (vs. agreed with) by you, now.”
-
“I’m
sorry... ”
-
“So
you’re feeling... ”
-
“Yes,
I’ll do that.”
-
“I
do (not) need you to help me with this now.”
-
“What
I see (or feel) about our (conversation) process now is... ”
-
“I
love you (for / because / when... )”
-
“I
think we have a
(or concrete, or communication) conflict
here”
-
“Is
that a
-
“This
problem seems too complex. Let’s see if we can break it down
into parts.”
-
“My
(your)
is above my (your) ears.”
-
“I’m
(not) comfortable with that.”
-
"Whoa - that's a separate
problem."
-
“Does
that feel like a true need, or a surface need?”
-
“I
feel our
aren’t matching, right now.”
-
“I’m
feeling flooded now. Can you slow down?”
-
“When
you keep interrupting me, I feel discounted and irritated (and I
need you to stop that).”
-
“I
really need to be quiet, for now.”
-
“Your
hand motions (or some other behavior) are distracting me.”
-
“I’d
feel safer talking to you if... ”
-
“I
lose trust in you (or respect
for you) when you don’t follow through on your commitments.”
-
“Can
you find a different way of making your point?”
-
“You
seem defensive now. Are you feeling attacked?”
-
“I
notice we’re talking a lot about the past, (or the future)
instead of focusing on the present... ”
-
“What
does (a child or other family member) need (in this situation)?”
-
“Let’s
brainstorm.”
-
“I
really appreciate your following through (with ...)!”
-
“When
you raise your voice (yell / swear / drone on / ... ), I
can’t hear you / shut off.”
-
“Who
do you feel is
for that?”
-
“I
feel put-down (discounted, ignored, disrespected, talked-down to) now. (vs.
“you’re ignoring me”).
-
“I
really need to take a break now. Are you willing to stop and resume
at (a specified time)?”
-
“When
you (some recordable behavior), I..." (non-judgmentally describe the
specific effect on you) - "and I need (specifically) __________
now.” This is called an
They help avoid the
listener feeling blamed or attacked.
|
-
“So
you need / feel / want... ”
-
“What
do you need from me now (specifically)?”
-
“What
are we trying to do right now?” (i.e. vent, problem-solve,
create excitement, make noise, avoid silence, exchange
information, ...)
-
“I
feel (attacked / blamed / ignored / discounted / appreciated /
heard... ) right now.”
-
“I
need us to refocus on... ”
-
“I’m
getting a 1-up (or 1-down)
from you. Will
you focus on that with me now?”
-
“I
feel really done with this issue now. (Are you?)”
-
“Thanks
for... !”
-
“I
need a
from you.”
-
“I
need to vent, and problem-solve later. Can you
listen to me
now?”
-
“Do
you have time to
with me now?”
-
“It
would help me if you would... ”
-
“Why
do you need that now? / What will happen if you don’t get _____
now?”
-
“No,
I’m not able (willing) to do that (now).”
-
“Who’s
do you feel are more important here?”
-
“I’m
too distracted to problem-solve now. How about (... a specific
time and place)?”
-
“I
(dis)agree”, or “I see it differently.” vs. "you're wrong!"
-
“What
are our options here?”
-
“I’m
confused: I’m getting (vs. ‘you’re giving me’) a
from you.”
-
“The
way you express your
anger really scares a part of me, and I shut down.”
-
“When
you don’t look at me as we talk, I feel uneasy (or ...).”
-
“I
need a hug now... ”; or “Can you just hold me for a while?”
-
“I
really need some alone-time with you... ”
-
“It’s
hard for me to believe you, right now.”
-
“I
need to know how you feel about... ”
-
“I
can’t focus with you, just now. I’m worried / excited /
stressed about... ”
-
“It
helps me trust you when you... ”
-
“I’m
really torn now. One part of me wants _______, and another part wants
_____ .”
-
“Am
I doing something that makes you feel unsafe (to talk intimately)?”
-
“I
need some feedback from you on ________.”
-
“That
works for me!”
-
“When
you need to be sarcastic, I... ”
-
“I
feel caught in the middle (of a
-
“I
need to own that this is my problem, not ours / yours.”
-
“What
have (you / they / I )
(ref. co-parent
- Good Grief)
-
“I
think (I / we / you) did really good (conflict resolution) work here!”
-
"I
feel that's a surface need. Let's
for
the
primary needs underneath it."
-
"I think we have a
here."
-
"Which
of your
was just speaking?"
-
"I don't understand ..."
-
"Did you get what you needed
here?"
|
Reality check: these will just be words on paper or your PC screen until
you experience using them. To sense what's possible,
think of a recent conflict you had with and adult or child. Review the
phrases above and try saying
relevant ones out loud. Then imagine how the other person might respond. I'd be
surprised if you don't imagine the
would change...
Another option: think of a person you often have trouble communicating
with in person or over the phone. Review these common
blocks, and see if any apply. Then use one or more of the phrases above the next time you talk with this person. Note any difference
in the way (a) you feel, and (b) the way s/he responds. Experiment!
Notice what you're thinking now. If
your family's adults don’t use phrases and questions like these, what do
you use? The moral here is
you express your needs and
opinions is at least as important as the topic you're communicating about.
The "I'm Right!" Exercise
Are
there kids or adults in your
life with whom you "argue?"
Do each of you get focused
on "winning," getting "your
way," and/or "being right"?
In most cases, such contests
are lose-lose, because both
combatants feel
disrespected, unheard, and
frustrated. Better options
are win-win problem-solving,
or - in the case of *values*
conflicts - agreeing
respectfully to disagree.
Try this safe, powerful way
to illustrate the silliness
and futility of "Im right!
No, *I* am!" battles:
-
Agree you have a power
struggle, without blame
or guilt;
-
Stand and face your
partner from about 12"
away. Each of you make
an "L" shape with your
right arm so your
forearms are vertical
and touching.
-
Clasp your right hands
gently, and hold
comfortable eye contact.
-
One of you start by
saying with some
firmness "I'm
right." As you
do, rotate both your
arms leftward to
horizontal. Don't use
physical strength and
don't resist - this is
not a physical contest.
Do not smile.
-
With steady eye contact,
the second person says
"No, *I'M*
right!" and
rotates both your arms
rightward 180 degrees to
horizontal (parallel to
the floor).
-
The first person says
more forcefully
"NO! I Am
RIGHT!" and
rotates both arms back
180 degrees to
horizontal.
-
Repeat this sequence
four or more times,
escalating the tone and
power of your voice and
the speed of
arm-rotation each time.
Keep steady eye contact,
and don't joke or grin.
-
See what you feel and
think, and discuss
this together as
teammates. Usually
you'll both wind up
laughing...
This
exercise vividly illustrates
(vs. explains) the
pointlessness of arguing -
i.e. trying to persuade each
other "You're wrong and I'm
right!" A variation is to
say "I (did 'x'" and rotate)
and the other person says
"No, you didn't," and
rotates back) Try that for
6-8 times, and see what you
feel... This exercise can be
specially helpful with
stubborn (insecure and/or
bored) kids.
See these other
resources...
For more options, see the
Project-2 link index
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you
needed? If not, what
you
need?
