Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Overview of Family Project 2 Learn and Use Seven Related Communication Skills By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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This is one of 150+ Web articles about improving personal, relationship, and family health and satisfac-tions. This brief introduction describes the site's pur-pose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.        This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.         The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.                 Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

        This article outlines concepts and practical steps that anyone can learn and apply in order to think, communicate, and problem-solve effectively with other adults and kids. Doing this is the second of up to 12 projects that people and couples can work at toward evolving satisfying, stable primary, family, and social relationships. This introductory Project-2 article outlines (a) the reasons it exists, (b) its goals, and (c) key steps to reach the goals.

        The guidebook for Project 2 is Satisfactions - 7 relationship skills you need to know (xlibris.com, 2002). It integrates all the key Web articles and resources here. Project 2 is summarized in the companion guidebook for Projects 1-7, Stepfamily Courtship

Options: overview the key Project-2 concepts by viewing these slide presentations on communication basics and effective problem-solving; and/or scan this index of all Project-2 articles and resources in this educational Web site.

Long-term success with this key Project hinges adults wanting to concurrently work at Project 1: assessing for and healing significant false-self wounds.

  Why Work at This Project?

        All animal behavior is governed by the ceaseless drive to avoid or reduce current discomforts - i.e. to fill current needs. Perhaps the most vital skill we humans evolve to fill our current needs is communication - including thinking (inner communication). Can you think of a more necessary skill?

        Beginning in infancy, children learn to communicate from observing and interacting with their caregivers, teachers, friends, and the media. Paradoxically, most people never learn effective communication and problem-solving basics and skills, tho they depend on them more than any other learned abilities to fill their needs. Here's a quick demonstration of this premise: can you name and describe the seven skills that anyone can learn to communicate effectively? I have never met one adult who could do so! Until I began studying them, I couldn't either.

        I have studied and taught effective thinking and communication skills for over 40 years. My experience as a therapist and teacher with well over 1,000 average adults, couples, and kids is that less than 5% of the adults (and none of the kids!) knew how to communicate effectively. They didn't know what they didn't know, or what that was costing them and their families. This was specially true in average troubled and divorcing biofamilies and multi-home stepfamilies.

        These Project-2 articles and worksheets and the related guidebook present what I've learned. Premise: any motivated person - like you - can learn these basics and skills to significantly improve their thinking and communicating, and get more needs met more often. Teaching kids these Project-2 basics and skills is a priceless lifelong gift! I suspect that few or none of the devoted educators in your kids' and grandkids' schools know and comprehensively teach the information in this Project. This seems to be equally true in post-graduate and professional training. Read on, and see if you agree.

        Recap - the reason Project 2 exists is because (I believe) average people don't know how to think, communicate, and problem-solve effectively. This means they're not getting their current primary needs met well as often as they could - which promotes "problems." Many major marital, family, and social problems in our society are caused in part by unseen psychological wounds + ineffective communications. The underlying problem is the silent [wounds + ignorance] cycle that is steadily eroding our society. Once aware of this toxic cycle, people can guard their descendents from it and help each other break it!

        Are you - or could you be - in a divorcing family or stepfamily? Do you care about someone in either type of family? If so, read on. If not, go here.

Perspective

        Typical 60-to-100+ member stepfamilies are riddled for years with more complex, intense inner-personal and interpersonal conflicts than typical intact biofamilies. Re/marital quality and durability depend greatly on partners' abilities to resolve these conflicts effectively. That requires shared mutual-respect attitudes, and communication knowledge, awareness, motivation, and skills.

       Building effective communication skills is more crucial in typical stepfamilies than in average first-marriage families for several reasons:

Typical stepfamilies differ structurally and dynamically from intact biofamilies in up to 70 ways! These differences create unique types of conflicts over family identity and membership, and merging prior family rituals, roles, rules, responsibilities, goals, and priorities. Stepfamily members' using inappropriate biofamily-based expectations and norms often amplifies these conflicts. Co-parents' working at Projects 3 and 4 help to resolve that.

Typical stepfamilies are more complex than biofamilies. Stepfamilies are composed of several minor kids and three or more caregivers living in two or more linked co-parenting homes, and typically up to 100 or more genetic and legal relatives. This complexity usually guarantees a high level of innerpersonal and interpersonal disputes on many issues like child visitation, financial support, debt and asset ownership, family membership (inclusion), child discipline and health, parenting responsibilities and styles, education, and custody;

Typical stepfamilies are run by co-parents from low-nurturance childhoods, who aren't  aware of the psychological wounds that causes. Growing up, they never learned effective communication skills. As adults, they habitually react to conflict with mixes of fighting, arguing, repressing, denying, numbing, debating, distracting, defocusing, manipulating and threatening, and withdrawing. Unawareness of this and better options usually generates more conflict.

        Finally, this second co-parent project is extra important because....

Neediness, romantic idealism, and courtship tolerances often disguise some deep values and loyalty (priority) conflicts between dating partners and other family members. These conflicts will surface - often after re/wedding - for years. Courting couples who proudly declare "We never fight!" are often in for stressful awakenings after they exchange vows.

        Major courtship progress on Projects 1 and 2 promotes co-parents' success with all 10 other safeguard Projects. Conversely, too little attention to (a) healing false-self wounds and (b) learning how to problem-solve effectively will hinder mastering Projects 3 through 12. That promotes years of mounting distress, eventual psychological and legal re/divorce, and wounding another generation of vulnerable kids.

  Project 2 Goals

Courting couples acknowledge early (vs. deny, ignore, or minimize) that...

• They will encounter many marriage-threatening innerpersonal and interpersonal conflicts in their complex web of stepfamily relationships, for many years; and...

• They each are responsible for (a) learning how to resolve these conflicts together, and (b) teaching their minor kids how to communicate effectively; and...

• If they remain unaware of their communication process, they risk blocking effective win-win negotiations and satisfying relationships.

Couples clarify their definition of effective communication together, so they can clearly tell if they're doing it or not;

Couples commit to develop and use seven related communication skills together to get their daily needs met: awareness, clear thinking, digging down to primary needs, metatalk (talking about your communication process), empathic listening, assertion, and problem solving. Then patiently help all minor and grown kids and interested others learn and use these skills; and...

Strive to build a genuine " =/=" attitude of respecting every adult and child, including ex mates, as a person of equal dignity and worth to yourself. Implication: "Right now and over time, your needs, feelings, and values are co-equal with mine." Without this heartfelt core attitude, communications don't work well! Few people can sustain this attitude if a false self rules them.

Learn to identify five types of conflict (internal, resource, values, loyalty, and current communication needs), and build effective strategies to resolve each one, over time.

This project combats (at least) two of the five causes of re/divorce: unawareness (of effective-communication skills), and excessive fears of rejection and criticism, strong emotions, and interpersonal conflict.

        How can co-parents accomplish all these goals over time?

  Project 2: Main Steps

        Tailor these suggestions to fit your present levels of communication knowledge and skill:

        Each courting partner adopt the solid attitudes that...

• "Communication" exists to fill up to six concurrent human needs. Effective communication depends on each partner truly believing " your needs and mine are equally important to me now."

• Effective communication basics and skills are learnable; and...

• Consciously investing time and effort in this project will harvest priceless personal and relationship benefits for yourselves and your kids, for many years to come. Adopt "the open, curious mind of a student," and...

• Accept that you (each) will have to want to change some unconscious and/or beloved habits (e.g. interrupting others, or composing your response while they're talking), to reap this project's full long-term rewards; and accept that...

• This skill-building project is an ongoing process. Along with true (vs. pseudo) recovery from false-self dominance, it will increasingly help you master all 11 other co-parent projects in satisfying ways you can't predict.

        Study all 12 of these safeguard projects for context. Then progress far enough of Project 1 to decide if personal recovery is warranted. Unhealed false-self wounds in one or both partners - e.g. excessive fears, excessive shame, and trust and reality distortions - will relentlessly scramble innerpersonal communication, and sabotage the best attempts at effective interpersonal communication.

        Learn communication basics, ideally with your partner. Read all these Project 2 articles and several related readings over many weeks. Stay alert for well-regarded communication-skill classes in your community that might speed you along. Option: invest in the guidebook: Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2002). It integrates all the Project-2 Web articles and worksheets in this nonprofit divorce-prevention site.

        Build a yardstick: As a person and a couple, discuss and refine your definition of "effective (vs. 'open and honest,' or 'good') communication," until you have a clear means of measuring whether yours is effective or not. After 30+ years' study, my definition is:

"Two or more people communicate effectively in a situation or over time if they all genuinely feel... each got their main current needs met well enough; in a way that left them each feeling good enough about (a) them- selves, (b) each partner, and (c) the dynamic process between them."

I suggest you use this sample for reference and inspiration, rather than adopting it (unless it's a perfect fit!). A definition will work better if it's yours. Next...

        Research live communications. Get curious, and...

Build the habit of noting non-judgmentally those relationships and situations where you communicate effectively, and why. Do the same with people and situations where communication seemed ineffective. Use your awareness skill to start understanding why, and to start defining skill-changes you'd like to experiment with.

Ask other people their ideas about effective communication, and watch others to see what "works" and what doesn't. Identify communication hero/ines you'd like to emulate, and seek mentors to coach and encourage you. Do you know any really effective communicators?

Ask other people for feedback about how they experience you communicating. Request and listen to constructive suggestions, not just polite praises...

Consider keeping a notebook or journal to capture things you want to remember and/or do about communicating, along the way. This becomes a fine tool for reviewing and celebrating your growing skills and results, over time...

        Practice often - ideally together, as teammates: In a way that fits your personalities and lifestyles, frequently try using each of the seven skills, in order: they build on each other. Awareness skill gives you over 25 things to notice about typical communication exchanges, and metatalk gives you the vocabulary to discuss them and their outcomes with partners. Use these practice and self-assessment options together to enhance your skills:

personal strengths inventory awareness practice assertion practice listening practice and inventory dig-down examples problem-solving practice

fuzzy-thinking worksheet metatalk worksheet communication-blocks worksheet communication tips communication mapping explanation

Affirm and celebrate what works (gets your and your partners' needs met), and patiently experiment at improving what doesn't - together, and with key others in your lives.

Keep your kids and key others informed about what you're studying, why, and what you're learning. You may spark their interest!

        More steps to co-parent Project 2...

Practice the fine art of giving respectful, clear feedback to others about their communication strengths and "opportunities to grow." Play with composing and delivering dodge-proof compliments, and watch what happens!

Begin to notice the monologs or conversations that occur within you. Experiment with interest to identifying your different inner "voices," (thought streams), and try using these seven skills with their "owners" (your personality subselves). Watch what happens to your feelings and body, over time, when you do.

Develop your awareness of communication sequences ( I though / felt / needed / did,... you / thought / felt / needed / did, I...) and patterns (sequences that repeat, over time). Strengthen those that work for everyone, and improve those that don't.

Model these seven skills for the kids in your lives, and coach them to learn and use the skills over time;

Help each other to stay balanced every day with this and all your other projects and responsibilities, and enjoy relaxing periodically!

Add and practice any other steps you feel would help you and your co-parenting partners and kids communicate more effectively over time.

Accept that this is an ongoing project. Life will ceaselessly present you with a kaleidoscope of new social situations and types of communication partners to adapt your skills to. Finally...

Help each other learn to note the outcomes of important communication events, and take pleasure in your growing effectiveness!
 

  Next: review the five re/marriage hazards and the related safeguard projects. Then...

• study these communication basics and/or...

• take this quiz to raise your motivation, and/or...

• select from this menu of Project-2 articles and resources, and/or...

• review these communication questions and answers for higher awareness; and/or...

• study these articles for options on resolving communication problems among mates and ex mates; and/or...

• continue context-building with an overview of Project 3: co-parent partners accept their (prospective) identity as a normal stepfamily, and begin to learn what that means; and/or...

• mail-order the Project-2 guidebook Satisfactions, or...

• follow a link below.

Recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need?

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