Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Problem Solving Skill A Two-person Practice By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/ps_practice.htm

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       This is one of a series of Web articles on effective-communication basics and skills that motivated people can learn to get more daily and long-term needs met in satisfying ways. Doing this together is Project 2 of 12 which guard against four or five common family-stress hazards. 

  Practice: Interpersonal Problem-solving

        Use this practice exercise to raise your and a partner's awareness and proficiency with the seven skills, not  to solve your “practice” problems - so help each other focus on your communication process together!  This article has two sections: (a) preparation and (b) a role-play (practice) exercise.

Prepare

        To get the most benefit from this practice, invest time and energy studying...

• introductions to (a) communication basics - slides or text; and (b) effective problem-solving - slides or text.

• overviews of the seven skills, and effective assertion;

• this summary of the basic problem-solving steps - option - print this for reference;

• this summary of common blocks, (option: have a copy handy when you debrief);

• these inventories of your communication strengths and problem-solving traits;

• these premises about typical relationship "problems" (unmet needs);

• this overview of digging down to discern the primary needs causing current surface problems (discomforts);

• these suggestions on exchanging respectful feedback with another person,
   

• this sample Bill of Personal Rights (the basis of effective assertion)

• these overviews of R(espect) messages and awareness "bubbles", and...

• these tips and phrases to improve communication outcomes; and...

• these examples of lose-lose and win-win problem-solving in action.

        Note that the unique, practical Project-2 guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2002), integrates these Web articles and worksheets.

        If you're impatient and ignore or defer these preparation studies, you're probably controlled by a well-meaning, myopic false self. If so, reduce your expectations about benefiting from this practice.

Find  a partner who shares your interest in learning to improve their problem-solving effectiveness.

If your partner isn't familiar with the concepts of inner family (subselves), true Self and false self, R(espect) messages, E(motion)-levels, and empathic listening, describe and illustrate each of them, and check for understanding.

        If s/he's skeptical about subselves, suggest that s/he read this letter and try this safe, interesting experience. Option - do these with your partner and discuss them together.

Set aside at least 30” to do each two-part practice.

Pick a comfortable, undistracting place to practice, and bring pencil and paper and your communication log or journal, if any.

Each of you choose a moderate (vs. huge) real problem you have with another person which you'd be willing to discuss with your practice-partner.

Resolve any physical or emotional distractions, and check to see that your respective true Selves are guiding your other personality subselves. If not, free your Self to lead or lower your expectations here. 

Each of you write down answers to the following questions before your practice, or help each other clarify them as part of your practice. Help each other avoid blaming yourself or the other person in this role-play!

+ + +

1)  Premise: conflicts are unfilled needs  (discomforts). In this (real-life) situation, what I really need from the other person here is:

2)  I believe the person I have the problem with really needs... (dig down below their surface needs to guess the answer):

3)  Am _ I and/or _ the other (real life) person internally conflicted in this situation? If so, how are we each trying to resolve that? Common options: denying, ignoring, minimizing, deferring, blaming, whining, “collapsing,” or (best option) resolving it before negotiating our interpersonal conflict.

4)  Is this problem an abstract conflict of _ values, _ perceptions, _ preferences, or _ roles (responsibilities), or is it a conflict of tangible / concrete resource needs? If the conflict is abstract, do I have a clear idea about how to resolve such conflicts (e.g. to compromise, or agree to disagree)?

5)  Is the way we’re trying to resolve our conflicting needs part of the problem? That is, do we have a communication-needs conflict? If I have a communication conflict, a meta-comment I could use to start resolving it is…

   

6)  What are the R(espect) message that each of us gets from the other in this conflict: __ “I’m 1-up!”  __ “I’m 1-down!” or __ we’re =/= (our needs, rights, and dignities are of equal value to me here.) If we don’t feel =/= (mutually respectful), what’s in the way of achieving that attitude? (That becomes one of the underlying true problems.)

7)  When I have this conflict with this partner…

• I usually _ fight or debate _ avoid or withdraw, _ submit, and feel unsatisfied, _ blame and attack, _ explain and defend, _ assert and listen,  _ use all seven communication skills effectively; and…  

• S/He usually _ fights or debates _ avoids or withdraws, _ submits, and feels unsatisfied, _ blames and attacks, _ explains and defends, _ asserts and listens,  _ uses all seven communication skills effectively.

8)  Are the other person and I part of a persecutor – victim – rescuer relationship triangle? If so, how are we reacting to it? Common responses: denying, ignoring, blaming, pretending, avoiding (deferring), or power-struggling.

        Option: switch from the focal “conflict” to digging down and metatalk cooperatively, and work to dissolve the triangle together - i.e. each of you regain your mutual-respect (=/=) attitudes. Try practicing that with your role-play partner.

9)  Note your thoughts and emotions (self talk) to these preparation questions, and jot down any observations or awarenesses you feel would help in (a) your role-play practice, and/or (b) resolving the actual problem.

        When you and your partner feel ready, try the following experience together. Take your time!

Role Play (Practice)

        Once you and your practice partner have prepared, use what you came up with to design a role-play to help you get clearer on your communication options with your respective real problem-partners. Discuss together what would be most helpful in doing effective problem-solving in your respective situations.

        This role-play will probably combine several individual skill-practices in one experience. For instance, you may want to practice assertion, metatalk, and empathic listening, for a more instructive experience here.

        Try not to do too much at once, and help each other stay focused on what you’re each trying to practice! Remind each other that your discussion and role-play is not to solve your original problem, it’s to strengthen your communication awareness, knowledge, and confidence.

        Brief each other on your actual partner’s typical responses, and aspects of your history and relationship that would promote a realistic role-play. For example, if your “real” partner clams up, blames you, and/or withdraws, practice one or more meta-comments in response, listening empathically to (your practice partner’s) response, and respectfully assert an invitation to problem-solve cooperatively.

Other Role-play Options

If you’re not clear on what your real (non-practice) partner needs, practice asking them, and using the appropriate communication skills to react to the kind of response they’d make – e.g. to dig down respectfully.

If you feel you two have one or more communication blocks, practice using metatalk to identify and sort them out, and assertion and problem solving to reduce or fix each one.

      Help each other stay aware of the difference between your communication content (topics) and your process (how you're communicating). Pay special attention to...

• whether either of you is controlled by a false self,

• the awareness bubbles you each maintain (1-person, 2-person, or no-person), and...

• the R-messages you and your “real” partner send and perceive.

If you feel you're in a relationship triangle, plan and practice how you want to approach your “real” partner about acknowledging it and starting to dissolve it.

If your “real” partner has a behavior that often “hooks you” (causes inner-family uproar and your acting impulsively), practice assertively confronting that behavior, and asking your partner to change their behavior so you can problem-solve.

        That might sound like “Nora, when you continually interrupt me, I feel disrespected, unheard, hurt, and frustrated. I need you to let me finish, unless I’m talking too long.”

If you have an abstract problem like a values or loyalty conflict, practice agreeing to disagree respectfully.

If you feel your “real life” partner expects something you honestly can't or don’t want to do or provide, practice respectfully telling them “No” and using hearing checks to affirm their responses before reasserting your boundary.

If you have a cluster of internal, communication, and abstract conflicts, practice sorting them out, ranking them, and agreeing to work cooperatively on one at a time.

If you feel your “real life” partner is dominated by a false self, practice how you want to respond to that. Options:

• explain the idea of true and false selves, and invite the person to read and discuss Project 1, and/or...

• use these worksheets to tentatively assess themselves for false-self symptoms; or...

• ask them to read the guidebook Who’s Really Running Your Life? (Xlibris.com, 2nd ed., 2001) for wider perspective, and then discuss their reactions together; or...

• if s/he needs to resist these options, practice how you want to react to that respectfully - e.g. by setting a boundaries or a limit, vs. a threat or ultimatum.

If your “real” partner frustrates you by deflecting your praise and appreciation, practice assertive praise. Use the same format as an assertive "I" message, except substitute the specific positive effect the person's behavior has on your life.

In general, sense which of the seven skills you’d most like to develop with your “real” partner, and devise a role-play to help you practice it or them. Recall that the skills build on each other - e.g. problem-solving skill uses all six other skills.

After you role-play your situation,

• check for distractions, and ask if your practice partner wants to role-play theirs. Whether s/he does or not,...

• assess how effectively you practicers communicated,...

• noting your strengths and any blocks you encountered, and...

• verbally summarize what you learned and what you each want to remember,

Remind each other the practice results are not about being wrong or “bad,” the goal is to learn to problem-solve and communicate more effectively!

        Discuss whether you two have communication problems you’d like to work together to resolve, using the seven skills. Consider keeping a communication log or workbook to record your learnings and track your progress.

          Overall, use this practice as a general framework. Adapt it to tailor a learning experience that fits your respective needs and levels of skill and knowledge. The real value of practicing problem-solving skills is in your trying new behaviors and experiencing the inner and interpersonal results.

        Practices like these are the best way to discover the real power of each of these seven skills to (a) fill more of your current needs, (b) in a way that feels good to all involved. 

        Effective problem-solving draws on fluency all six other communication skills. Keep in mind your option of using the other practices (e.g. empathic listening) to build your skill fluencies over time. Patience is a virtue, here - "Progress, not perfection!"

        Committing to work on family Project 2 together will raise your personal serenity, confidence, and satisfaction, raise your family's nurturance level, and is a priceless gift to your descendents and other people you value.

If you have the energy and motivation, scan these options for motivating other people in your community, region, or nation to become effective communicators!

Awarenesses...

 

 

 

Scan the Project-2 index page to review your knowledge-building options.

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this practice? Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your resident true Self, or "someone else"?

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