1	Keys to Effective Problem Solving All relationships and families have problems – unfilled needs. A priceless skill that anyone can learn in order to increase their daily serenity, effectiveness, and satisfaction is problem solving. Currently, our society and most parents don’t teach kids how to do this effectively. There are over 20 ineffective alternatives to this learnable skill. Which do you use? This slide presentation is based on over 40 years’ experience studying and teaching effective communication skills. It builds on these communication basics to outline key requisites and steps that anyone (like you) can learn, to fill their and others’ daily needs effectively. The ideas here apply equally to resolving (a) internal conflicts between your personality subselves, and (b) conflicts with other people. + + + To view or hide the slide index, click “Outline” in the lower left corner To see the last slide viewed, click the left arrow Suggestion: view all slides once before following links of interest.
2	Contents / Index Introduction About human needs Six basic communication needs Seven communication skills Possible communication outcomes About internal problem-solving
3	Introduction Premise: effective communication – including problem-solving – occurs when all people involved… 1) Fill (satisfy) their current primary needs well enough, 2) in a way that feels good enough to them. “Problem solving” (or conflict resolution) is one of seven related skills that any motivated person can learn to use. Effective problem-solving requires (a) knowing communication basics, and (b) growing fluent in all seven skills. These skills work equally well among your personality subselves and with other people The benefits of learning to use these skills are priceless: Consistently getting more of your daily and long-term needs met – comfortably; Strengthening your self confidence, self respect, and key relationships, and significantly reducing major anxieties, doubts, frustrations, and confusions; Achieving more of your personal and professional potentials Providing a model to inspire and instruct others – specially children! These words will mean nothing to you until you decide to acquire these requi-sites and try the skills – then compare the outcomes to what you’re used to!
4	About Human Needs A need is a physical, psychological, and/or spiritual discomfort Needs range from (a) unconscious to conscious, (b) minor to intense, (c) current to future, and (d) secondary (superficial) to primary. Most people are unaware of their primary needs, so they keep returning - e.g. trying to “break bad habits.” All human thoughts, emotions, and behavior are caused by current primary needs Primary needs are normal and automatic - not “good” or “bad” When people’s needs, values, and/or perceptions conflict, they have “a problem.” “Communication” is an instinctive reflex which aims to fill current needs. Adults, kids, and infants strive to fill current communication needs (next slide) in order to fill other primary needs Needs vary in priority, depending personalities and situations. Conflicting priorities cause “problems” (discomforts) Most people have several concurrent, dynamic needs. They can conflict internally and/or interpersonally. It’s usually best to identify and resolve inner conflicts first! The learnable skills of awareness and digging down can help you discern your current primary needs, so you can try to fill them via problem solving.
5	Basic Communication Needs to feel respected (in all situations), and… to give or get information, and/or… to vent (be empathically understood and respected); and/or… to cause change or action; and/or… to create excitement and reduce boredom, and/or… to avoid something unpleasant, like silence or confrontation Can you name another reason you communicate? The process of solving problems among subselves and people usually involves filling up to five of these dynamic needs at once. To succeed, all participants must need to problem-solve.
6	Seven Powerful Communication Skills Premise: any motivated person can learn to get more of their daily needs met and significantly improve daily serenity and satisfaction with other adults and kids by learning to apply seven skills founded on these communication basics. awareness (of you, me, and our communication process) clear (vs. fuzzy, unfocused) thinking digging down (to discern current primary needs) empathic listening – hearing with your heart respectful assertion – stating your needs in a way others can hear you metatalk - talking objectively about how you’re communicating, and… win-win problem solving, or conflict resolution Each skill uses all the prior skills. The effectiveness of these skills depends on your true Self steadily guiding your other personality subselves.
7	Possible Communication Outcomes At the end of an important communication sequence, each person will un/consciously feel something between… 1) “I got enough of what I needed” to “I didn’t;” and… 2) “Our communication process was comfortable enough for me” to “It wasn’t.” Using these two criteria, there are 16 possible outcomes to every important communication exchange:
8	About Internal Problem-solving Premise: normal personalities (like yours) are composed of semi-independent, talented subselves or parts, like the players in an orchestra or sports team. Each subself has its own values, perceptions, limits, and goals, and can cooperate or disagree with other subselves, just like people. Most people are unaware of their subselves and the dynamics among them, until they start to “look within.” When two or more subselves disagree, you have an internal problem to solve. Common symptoms of this are ambivalence, confusion, procrastination, double messages, “yes, but…”, hesitation, and “indecisiveness.” “You” is your true Self (capital “S”), who is innately skilled at negotiating acceptable compromises – if other subselves trust her or him do so. Survivors of low-nurturance childhoods – “Grown Wounded Children,” or GWCs – are often governed by a “false self” – one or more aggressive subselves who disable the true Self. This promotes internal and interpersonal problems – specially if the other person is ruled by a false self too. “Project 1” offers an effective framework to permanently reduce false-self dominance and raise inter-subself harmony and cooperation, under the able leadership of the resident true Self and skilled inner advisors. Many people call this healing process “recovery from childhood neglect and trauma.” Implication – any interpersonal “problem” may be two or three simulta-neous conflicts: (a) within me, (b) within you, and (c) between our respective subselves. Who usually runs your life – your Self or “someone else”?
9	Requisites for Effective Problem-solving With awareness and commitment, anyone (i.e. you) can acquire these essential factors that promote consistently-effective problem solving (need fulfillment): Your true Self guiding your other personality subselves (Project 1) Being clear on your priorities and Personal Rights as a worthy, unique person Clear understanding of communication basics, blocks, dynamics, and seven skills A steady, genuine mutual-respect attitude and a stable “two-person awareness bubble” Wanting to make (vs. “find”) enough non-distracted time to problem-solve Staying aware of the difference between surface needs and primary needs Knowing how to spot and resolve (a) inner conflicts and (b) communication-need conflicts as they occur Wanting to balance filling short-term and long-term needs (“delayed gratifica-tion”) Knowing how to spot and adapt to a wounded, unaware communication partner Knowing how to spot and correct common communication blocks.
10	Steps to Effective Problem-solving KEY - Free your true Self to guide your other personality subselves! Adopt (a) a genuine mutual-respect attitude and (b) a “two-person awareness bubble,” and (c) reduce significant physical or emotional distractions Allocate enough time for the resolution process – don’t rush it! Use awareness and dig-down skills to discern what you and your partner/s each need now (a) from communicating and (b) otherwise Differentiate between inner conflicts (among subselves) and interpersonal conflicts, and resolve the former first, using knowledge of and experience at “parts work.” If you’re hesitant to assert your needs and opinions, affirm your Bill of Personal Rights If your communication needs clash, refocus on finding a workable compro-mise. Use the seven skills patiently and respectfully until so everyone can accurately summarize what each person needs now Cooperatively brainstorm possible compromises, and pick the best fit Note the outcome of your process, and affirm your successes!
11	What Gets in the Way? – p. 1 Use these two slides to assess yourself and any important communication partners… Can you think of anyone who can think clearly and problem-solve effectively? My experience is few people (like you?) can do those things consistently. Why? They’re unaware of being controlled by a well-meaning false self, what that means, and how to empower their true Self; They can’t keep a genuine mutual-respect attitude, and aren’t aware of sending 1-up or 1-down R(espect)-messages and what reactions they cause They don’t know these communication basics or skills, starting with awareness They’re not clear on their human rights, and/or how to assert them and their needs and boundaries (limits) effectively They’re not aware of internal conflicts or how to resolve them, and/or they focus on surface needs, not primary needs. Continued…
12	What Gets in the Way? – p. 2 Concluded… Instead of problem solving, people habitually use one or more of these ineffective alternatives – which causes new problems! They don’t know how to admit and manage distractions They don’t know how to discern their and their partner’ current primary needs They’re unaware of their communication process and/or blocks, and/or they don’t know that or how to remove the blocks They’re unaware of how much more effectively they could communicate and what benefits that would bring - so they don’t try to improve. Typical parents, schools, churches, and law-makers fail to motivate kids and adults to want to learn how to think, communicate, and problem-solve more effectively – so ineffective communication is our norm. You can choose to overcome any of these factors that describe you!
13	Selected Resources Each of these can promote your thinking, communicating, and problem-solving effectiveness: This slide presentation on communication basics and skills All the linked items in this slide presentation These Project-1 articles and worksheets, and the related guidebook Who’s Really Running Your Life? for empowering your true Self, harmonizing your subselves, and reducing inner conflicts These Project 2 articles, checklists, inventories, skill-practices, examples, and references; and the related guidebook Satisfactions These premises on relationship problem-solving, this summary of primary problems, and this overview of 3 common family problems This Q&A article on effective communication These examples of lose-lose and win-win communications This checklist, and these tips and useful communication phrases These other selected books on effective communication These practice exercises on empathic listening, assertion, metatalk, and problem solving skills Modules 2 and 3 in this free 8-module course This menu of solution-options for common (step)family problems
14	Status Check Why did you study this presentation? Did you get what did you needed? To answer that, respond to these items. T = “true,” F= “false,” and ? = “I’m not sure.” I can tell if my true Self is guiding my personality (T F ?) I can define what “problem solving” is (T F ?) I can name at least ten common alternatives to problem solving (T F ?) I can name the two conditions required for effective communication (T F ?) I can describe each of the seven effective-communication skills (T F ?) I know the difference between surface needs and primary needs (T F ?) I know how to dig down to identify my primary needs (T F ?) I know how to assert my needs and opinions respectfully (T F ?) I know how to assess R(espect) messages and “awareness bubbles” (T F ?) I can describe at least six requirements for effective problem solving On a scale of one (usually very ineffective) to ten (consistently very effective), I’d rate my recent ability to resolve my problems (fill my needs) effectively as a ___. Other people who know me well would rate my effectiveness as a ___ On a scale of one (no motivation) to ten (very high motivation), my motivation to improve my problems-solving effectiveness now is a ___. The main things I want to remember from this presentation are… (say out loud)