Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents Effective Communication Strategies for Common Relationship Problems Grow confidant in any social situation By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW home > overview > site map, directory, or search > Q&A, Solutions article, Project-2 index, or other page > here this article is under construction The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/strategies.htm         Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.         This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles aug-ment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.         Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need? + + +         Do you ever feel unsure of how to respond effectively with certain people or social situations? This article offers response strategies for many common relationship problems. Such problems occur when one or more adults or kids can't get their current primary needs met well enough because of some trait or behavior of another person.         With some exceptions, these strategies apply equally to adults, teens, and pre-teens. They're meant to be suggestive, not rigid absolutes.          This article provides... a definition of an "effective communication response" requisites for responding to all these situations effectively steps common to all response strategies a link-index of common social communication challenges guidelines for effective responses to each challenge         The ideas below assume you're familiar with these concepts... normal personality subselves, true Self, and false self - slides or text how to recognize surface and primary needs effective-communication basics and skills - slides or text; common communication blocks and tips ways to improve communication outcomes with adults and typical kids. + + + What is an "Effective Response"?         Is there a "best way" to respond to "problem behavior" in another person? Try answering that out loud. Then compare your definition to this:         An "effective response" to problem behavior four conditions: you accept full responsibility for filling your own needs, and give other (able) people responsibili-ty for filling theirs - without guilt or anxiety; you're clear on your and their rights as dignified, worthy persons; you don't model problem behaviors while asking others to change them; and... after the response, all people involved feel... fully heard, respected, and satisfied with the outcome - i.e. each person got their current primary needs met, and any boundaries were honored, well enough; that they followed their own integrities (were true to their values and standards); felt good enough about the way they interacted together; and everyone feels... that their relationship/s were protected or enhanced, vs. degraded.          As you gain fluency and confidence using communication skills and strategies like those below, you'll probably meet these response-conditions automatically. Can you think of a recent exchange with someone which met these conditions? If so, recall how you felt afterwards... Requisites for Success         To raise the odds that strategies like those below will work for you and others (fill your local pri-mary needs), you need... your true Self steadily guiding your personality (your other subselves) - even in conflicts. Without this, the rest of this article won't help much; and also... a stable mutual-respect attitude about yourself and any communication partner, regardless of age, knowledge, gender, role, authority, or other differences; and... clarity on and confidence in your personal rights; and... a commitment to yourself that you don't have to endure unpleasant or frustrating behaviors in other people;         and you also need... the ability to give respectful feedback to people willing to hear it; and... an attitude of genuine compassion for significantly- wounded and/or unaware people; and... the ability to objectively judge if someone is guided by a true Self or false self; and... growing fluency in all seven communication skills, including... the ability to identify current feelings and primary needs; assertive "I-messages"; "hearing checks" (empathic listening); awareness "bubbles"; E(motion)-levels, and R(espect) messages.  And finally, you need to develop... realistic expectations. Learning to respond effectively to "problem partners" will take patience, practice, persistence, empathy, creativity, an open mind, and a sense of humor.         Do any of these requisites seem beyond your mastery now? Can you describe the skills and il-lustrate each of these concepts now? If you're not clear on them, take this self-study course on com-munication basics, and make (vs. "find") times to practice. These requisites are for effective communi-cation in general, not just these situational strategies. Pick Some Targets         Before studying these strategies, meditate and think of adults and kids in your life now who have any of the annoying communication behaviors in the table below. For each person and trait, think of what your normal response is - like numbing out, tuning out, getting irritated, confronting, complaining, whining, barking, hinting, pleading, interrupting, name-calling, shutting down, pretending, leaving, etc.         Consider the wisdom of therapists Steve and Carol Lankton:  "If you always do what you've always done,  you'll always get what you've always got."          Are your normal responses to these people effective? Imagine responding differently, and both of you feeling satisfied and appreciative afterwards. Common Communication Challenges         Tho every person and situation is unique, these relationship dynamics are universal: addiction abuse / aggression anxiety / fear anger / frustration arguing / debating arrogance / egotism boredom competitiveness negativity denials  dishonesty  distrust disrespect distractions gender differences guardedness major guilts hostility ignorance impatience indifference little empathy disloyalty low self esteem (shame) mis-assumptions nagging not hearing over-talking overwhelm reactivity rejection repetitiveness sadness / grief self-centeredness self-neglect silence unavailability unawareness values conflicts whining withholding / secrecy woundedness         Starting in childhood, we develop strategies to respond to these behaviors in other people. Our strategies are usually unconscious, and are often copied from our early caregivers and hero/ines.         Without awareness of our response-strategies, we may degrade communication outcomes and damage key relationships. Have you ever thought about how you respond to people with these traits, and what effects you produce? <<  Prior page  /  Add to favorites  /  Print page  /  Email this article's address  >>  home  /  site overview  /  directory  /  site map  /  Q&A  /  quizzes   /  solutions  /  site search  /  glossary   research  /  free course  /  guidebooks  /  NEW  forums  /  resources  /  feedback  and/or  subscribe  /  * copyright info Updated January 01, 2009