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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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A Family
Glossary -
p. 1 of 3
74 definitions for more
effective communication
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web
address of this three--page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/terms.htm
Note: some links below will
open a brief popup, and others will open a full browser window - so
please turn off your Browser's popup
blocker or accept popups from this nonprofit site..
Some "non-traditional" families are complex!
To plan, negotiate, and
effectively,
your family members and supporters need a clear, common language. My profes-sional experience since 1981 is that average adults often have undeveloped family and relationship vocab-ularies, and
aren't concerned
about that. That promotes
misunderstandings, arguing, and accumulations of
unresolved conflicts.
These promote frustrations, resentments, and distrusts, rather than
family problem-solving, and
healthy bonding. Words and the ideas they symbolize are our basic tools for nurtur-ing
healthy
family and
interpersonal relationships. Do you agree?
To improve the effectiveness of your family’s communications,
these three pages define basic relationship,
communication, and family terms. How many of these
can you explain to another person now? Follow the links for brief information
on each term.
This glossary assumes you're familiar with these ideas:
Glossary
Experiment:
before you read about any of these terms, review your present definition.
 Also see these inner-family terms,
communication-process terms,
grief terms,
and
clinical terms
useful in discussing and resolving wounds and
family role and relationship problems.
+ + +
Bio- (prefix) -
denotes some aspect of a biological
(genetically-related) family. For example, biofamily role-titles are
bioparent,
biomother, biofather, biosister, biobrother, bio-grandparent, biochild, and
bio-kin. The prefix is useful because "standard" (pre-divorce) biofamily
are often very different from their post-divorce and stepfamily
Blended
(Step)family - People who dislike the unpleasant associations of
"stepfamily" often use "blen-ded family" instead.
In a true
blended ("complex") stepfamily, both committed partners have prior kids. Each mate is a
dual-role stepparent and bioparent. If a childless stepparent conceives an
"ours" child (below) with a bioparent partner, that does not make them
(technically) a blended stepfamily. All blended families are stepfamilies, but not all
stepfamilies are blended. Confusing, isn’t it? See "stepfamily"
index
Childhood - Before reading on, evolve a thoughtful answer to these three questions: "What was
your childhood?"; "Was it good or bad?;"
and "What factors influenced it the most?"
In this site, childhood means "The period of time in a person’s life
between their conception and their leaving home as a truly independent,
self-supporting adult." Clarity on this is important in fully under-standing
"childhood psychological-
deprivation,"
which is the heart of the
(GWC) idea in these Web articles and
guidebooks.
It’s possible that
(nurturance
deprivation) starts
while we're in the womb. Some
neo-natal researchers suggest that how a pregnant woman copes
with chronic
(e.g. with unbalanced diet or harmful drugs) can chemically affect
the development of her fetus.
Some people wonder if fetuses may be
significantly traumatized by loud noises (like marital argu-ing) or
"commotion" outside their mother’s body. My hunch is that seriously
Moms may un-consciously deprive
their kids of primal nurturance in complex ways we haven’t
identified yet. What do you think?
Major factors that shape the
of your childhood are
school, and church nurturance
levels, and significant traumas. Assessing how each
factor promoted or hindered filling normal developmental needs can help to
validate and recover from
wounds.
I believe every
co-parent needs to ponder "How
nurturing were my and my mate/s’
childhoods?" A related question is "How
were each of my and my partner's childhood caregivers?" It’s possible to have a moderately healthy family and still be
emotionally deprived and traumatized for several years in a shaming or scary elementary and/or
church school, though
caregivers would prevent
that.
index
Communication
occurs when any perceived behavior of one person or
significantly affects another person or subself spiritually, psychologically,
mentally, or physically. "Significantly" is a subjective judgment.
Because silence, withdrawal, or no contact
all may affect the receiver, there is no such thing as "no
communication."
Verbal and
non-verbal behavior, including intentional communication, is an attempt to
reduce
signif-icant conscious and unconscious tensions
There appears to be
that we all seek to fill by "communicating." One is the constant need for self and mutual
which
governs all human communication and relationships.
Effective
(vs. "open and honest") communication happens when each person involved
feels clearly that they...
-
got all their current
needs met well enough,
-
in a way that leaves them feeling good enough about themselves, their
partner/s, and their shared process.
Typical
are riddled
with conflicts over
assets,
and
child care for many years. Therefore, co-parents' commitment to
(learn communication basics and
is essential for
(a) personal wound-
and (b) evolving high-nurturance (step)family relationships. Conversely,
communication effectiveness (need satis-faction) depends largely on whether
each person's personality is guided by their
(capital "S").
index
Co-parent - "Co-"
is from the Latin "com-," which meant "together." Co-parents are two
or more adults in any family who
intentionally nurturing dependent kids together. Active grandparents, aunts,
and uncles can act as co-parents
A co-parent can be a
bioparent. a childless stepparent, or involved adult relative. Legally and physically,
divorced-family and stepfamily co-parents
are custodial, non-custodial, or share joint custody. "Parent" can
be a family
(noun) a nurturing process, (verb) or a person who conceives and/or
nurtures a child (noun)
Some caregivers have stepparent and bioparent roles ("dual-role co-parents").
A
may have three or more co-parents living in two or more related homes
with their resident and visiting bio-kids and stepkids. The
and social environment that typical kids, co-parents, and
co-grandparents live in differs in
up to 40 ways from intact biofamilies.
The term co-parent is emotionally neutral. That helps offset our old
cultural bias that bioparents are "better" or more "normal" or "natural"
than stepparents or foster parents.
index
Enmeshment
- In human
relationships, this term means two or more people who don't have clear
("This is who I am, as a person") and
(limits) that separate one individual from the other. Thus an enmeshed
person can't distinguish the difference between my needs, feelings,
opinions, and pri-orities and yours. This condition is clear evidence of
Enmeshment is the polar opposite of two people being independent - meaning
neither has a strong need to
or need
the other. A middle option is an interdependent relationship, where each
per-son has a clear, stable identity, and stable boundaries.
These combine to let them relate together as co-equal partners out of conscious
choice, vs. unconscious compulsion ("I just can't live without you!")
(relationship
is a form of enmeshment where the wounded person pro-gressively loses awareness of her
or his own needs, feelings, and goals, and focuses consciously on living from those
attributes of another person. The roots of this condition (vs. "disease') seem to be two common
false-self wounds: excessive
and obsessive
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