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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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A Family
Glossary -
p. 2 of 3
74 definitions for more
effective communication
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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The Web address of this three-page glossary
is http://sfhelp.org/02/terms.htm
Family
System - refers to
the combination of…
All the emotionally, spiritually, and
genetically-important people comprising a
nuclear or
extended
(multi-generational) family, plus…
the
and resulting
relationship
that govern how these people behave
together normally and in conflicts and crises; and…
the physical and invisible
that separate this human system from other systems, like neighboring families, their city
and church community, the nation, and the local and global ecosystems.
Walls and doors,
clothing, "personal space," and words like "no" and "yes"
are basic tools we use to define the physical and emotional boundaries between our human
systems.
Awareness of these five facets of your dynamic family system can help all members
understand how a change in one part of the system (like a birth, divorce, graduation,
geographic move, death, injury, and financial change) affects all family members,
roles, rules, and sometimes the boundaries of the system. Understanding systemic changes
and their impacts on family members can help adults adapt and grieve well,
and guide kids to do the same.
All systems are composed of cascades of smaller subsystems. Each organ in the system of your body is a
subsystem. Each household of kids and adults is a sub-system of your larger
multi-generational family system. Common nuclear-family subsystems are
parent-child, spouse-spouse, siblings, and perhaps child/ren-pet/s.
Typical multi-home stepfamily systems can take four or more years to
stabilize after commitment vows and cohabiting, because of the great complexity of
three or more co-parents’ prior extended- biofamily systems into a much larger meta-system
– a system of systems
For more perspective, see this
useful
Web site and this article.
index
Grown Wounded
Child (GWC) -
an adult who survived a
home and family
led by
caregivers. Typical
GWCs were significantly neglected in their early years
-
i.e. they didn't get healthy, informed help filling their
developmental needs.
To adapt, typical GWCs develop protective
and up to five
more
psychological
The wounds significantly hinder kids'
relationships, and
until hitting
(usually in midlife) and committing to personal
Depending on many factors, each GWC falls somewhere between "a little"
wounded to "moderately wounded" to "massively
wounded." The latter often make headlines as sociopaths, criminals, "borderline
or multiple
personalities,"
"tyrants," "serial killers,"
and "abusers."
Most of the hundreds of troubled persons
and couples I’ve met as a therapist since 1981 have been significantly
wounded, and were unaware of that and what it
Most
were in
protective
of their wounds, and the early-childhood
neglect that caused them.
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Until typical GWCs break their denial and begin true
they (a) repeatedly pick wounded partners
(and often divorce), and (b)
false-self wounds to their dependent kids – just
like their ancestors. Neither reflex is intentional. They
both can be avoided through
learning and intentional personal healing. |
Many
human-service
(like me) seem to be significantly-wounded
survivors in varying stages
of denial or true (vs. pseudo) recovery. I’ve been in
proactive personal recovery since 1987. It works! In these articles,
focuses on adults
and reducing false-self wounds
and
and helping their kids
to develop and trust their
See these slides, this
article, and the practical Project-1
for more on detail Grown Wounded Children.
index
Grown Nurtured
Child (GNC)
- Here, a "GNC" is an adult who grew up in a
home,
extended family, and
childhood. Typical GNCs' inner
families
are usually led by their
, and are
persons and
They
usually choose other GNCs for partners, and maintain
long-term relationships with them.
I suspect that American GNCs are a small minority,
judging from our horrendous crime, abortion, abuse, welfare,
litigation,
obesity, divorces, and homelessness
statistics. This is relentlessly promoted
by...
-
public
and denial, and...
-
related legal and media indifference to (a)
epidemic unwise marriage and child-conception choices, and (b)
unqualified, toxic childcare (parental
neglect).
Both can be
prevented!
index
Healthy
Relationship
- premise: two people have a
relationship when the perceived
behaviors of one significantly affect the wholistic health, functioning, and
growth of the other – in someone’s opinion.
Significantly is a subjective judgment.
From this,
a healthy relationship
is one that helps
to fill (vs. impede) each partner’s key
well enough, over some
time period - according to somebody. The wholistic health of any relationship
(toxic > low > high) can be judged by at
least three people: person A, person B, and an outside judge.
Their opinions may
mesh or clash, depending on their definitions and rankings of "key wholistic
needs." One way of describing the wholistic health
(nurturance level) of a nuclear or
extended family is to say "it is the sum of the basic wholistic healths of
that comprise the family."
A toxic
relationship is one which consistently impedes filling one or both
partners’ current and long-tem
Symptoms of a toxic relationship
occur when one or both partners often feel significant
or emotional
and
are often controlled by a protective
Until in meaningful
wound-recovery, the ruling subselves of such people usually choose and endure toxic relationships
because they distrust or don't know other
options.
Clarity on what "healthy (interpersonal) relationship" means
can help people
whether
they had a nourishing or toxic relationship with key caregivers in their
childhoods. It can also help assess and improve the relationships
among the
comprising their
index
Neglect
(by a caregiver) – What if a person in power (like a co-parent) unintentionally
does things that "significantly harm" a dependent person? If the power-person
accepts partial or full responsibility for the dependent’s
welfare, such harmful behavior is neglect. Restated - in
a family context, neglect means intentionally disregarding the needs and welfare of a
dependent person. Self-neglect occurs when the dependent person is you.
Premise - adults
who...
-
conceive children and/or...
-
agree to provide part-time or full-time care
for other people’s children, and who...
-
clearly fail to...
are neglectful (vs. "bad").
The opposite of caregiver neglect is
nurturance – intentionally, consistently
helping to fill dependent kids’
key health, growth, and special needs.
Until well into personal
people
controlled by
routinely neglect aspects of their own
For
sobering evidence of how widespread self-neglect is in America, see this
research summary.
index
Nuclear
Family
- A nucleus is the core of something, like the yolk of an egg. Traditionally, the
nucleus of a biological family is (both bioparents + all dependent
kids). More broadly, a nuclear biofamily refers to all people
regularly living in a minor child's main home. Use "nuclear family"
when you want to focus on co-parents and dependent kids, rather than the larger
multi-generational group of all biological and legal relatives in their extended family.
For more perspective, see
family system and genogram.
index
Nuclear
Stepfamily
- includes all
co-parenting adults and the dependent (minor and grown) stepkids
regularly living in one or more of their related homes. This term helps
identify which part of a stepfamily is being discussed. If one of a
stepchild's bioparents is dead or out of contact, s/he's still a member of
the child's nuclear stepfamily system because of their ongoing genetic,
emotional, ancestral, and often legal, and financial influences.
Considering
family
communications, adjustment
rules, finances, legalities,
holidays, family
gatherings, names,
vacations, and general stability,
nuclear-stepfamily
systems are far more complex
than intact nuclear biofamilies! Reality-check this with any veteran
stepfamily co-parent
or their kids!
Ask
a typical stepfamily co-parent or child "Who’s your family?"
They’ll usually identify the people regularly living in and visiting their primary
home. Typical stepfamilies work best when all members respect the needs,
opinions, and feelings
of people in all their related co-parenting homes.
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Co-parents
do themselves and dependent kids a great favor
by consistently saying "My nuclear stepfamily lives in two (or
more) co-parenting
homes. We’re a group of related kids and adults with a common
and shared strengths, resources, and
family
Would you say something like
that? Would your co-parenting partners?
|
index
Ours
Child, Half Brother, and Half Sister - Unlike
traditional biofamilies, stepfamilies can have dependent and/or grown
his,
hers, and ours kids. When a mom or dad co-conceives kids with two
or more partners, the kids share only half their genes.
A
half-sibling does not have the role or
title of stepchild (has no stepparent), even though s/he’s a member of a multi-home
Do
typical half
siblings feel the same kind of psychological
that full
biological siblings do? Would you feel
good about being a half anything? Because half-sibs are a small minority in
our culture, they can feel inferior and/or abnormal, even if they’re consistently treated as having equal dignity and value
by family members.
Their co-parents may "leak" unconscious beliefs that half siblings are somehow
"sub-standard," or are "deprived" of "normalcy." Without
co-parent awareness and effective nurturing, such leaked beliefs can lower an
"ours" child’s self respect, which can effect their stepfamily and
other relationships.
A previously-childless
stepmom or stepdad who co-conceives an ours baby can show unconscious favoritism
for their new child vs. their stepkid/s, despite determination not to. Kids of divorce
are often hypersensitive to potential caregiver rejection and abandonment. Imagined or
actual co-parent favoritism generates understandable resentments in both the
"lesser" kids and their loyal bioparents and bio-kin.
Without stepfamily awareness
and effective communication
skills
these resentments
cause significant
and associated
household tension and
splitting, and escalating re/marital strife. Blood is
(usually) "thicker than
water"!
One of ~60 common stepfamily
myths is that having
an ours baby will nourish a troubled re/marriage, and strengthen a conflicted
co-parenting home. There is a significant risk that the reverse will be true.
index
Parent
(noun)
- A biological parent is someone
who contributed half the genes of a living or dead child, and usually their
last name. A psychological parent is any person who tries to fill the primary wholistic needs (nutrition, shelter, safety,
stimulation, health-care, guidance,…) of a dependent child, part-time
or full time, whether genetically
related or not. So
the noun parent can refer to
a person, a role, or both.
We’ve evolved unique labels for many different types of parent (child
nurturer), to symbolize key
differences in their responsibilities, roles, and relationships
with their kids. For example, (bio)mom, (bio)father), bioparent, foster parent, day-care provider,
governess, (legal) guardian, au pair, nurse, and adoptive parent.
All have some legal responsibilities
for their dependent kids, while stepparents have few or none This
varies by the State of residence.
bioparents
(and bio-grandparents) instinctively feel a fierce
primal
with their DNA kids
and grandkids, which typical psychological (non-DNA) parents and
grandparents can only
approach. Yes, there are exceptions!
Highly-
may
not be able to bond with their genetic (or any) child/ren, and must
pretend to do so in a world where genuine bonding is prized and expected.
index
Parent, Parenting (verb)
is
the dynamic process of intentionally trying to fill a dependent or grown child’s primary
developmental and
other needs.
Caregiving may mean parenting, or may mean
intentionally providing for only special needs - e.g. a nurse, teacher, or street-crossing
guard provides limited childcare, not full parenting.
Some men and women are more
effective at parenting than others. Can you describe what
effective parenting is - specifically? If co-parents have unclear or
significantly-conflicting definitions of effective
parenting, will that harm dependent kids? Can a family with one or more ineffective
parents achieve
traits? See
and its practical guidebook
(Xlibris.com, 2001).
Premise:
An effective
parent is one who...
-
wants to patiently
and empathically help fill
the developmental and special needs of a child, from
dependence to stable young-adult independence and social productivity; while...
-
staying (or
becoming)
balanced, nurturing and growing themselves,
and...
-
wanting to maintain a stable-enough high-nurturance environment.
How does this compare
with your definition? Your other family adults' definitions?
index
Re/marriage
and Re/divorce - The "/"
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. The English author Samuel Johnson observed
200 years ago that "remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience." Unlike
Johnson, "remarriage" here doesn't mean a divorced couple who marry each other
again. Most (~70%)
or cohabiting
American co-parents form or join
stepfamilies.
"Marriage" means many things: a legal contract, a vowed
commitment to another, a commitment ceremony, a social and legal status, a state of mind,
a special (often conjugal) relationship between two partners, a cultural and social
"institution," and a spiritual and religious covenant and sacrament. Co-committed
partners may or may not share the same mix of meanings for "we're married." A
divorcing co-parent may change their
original definition of "marriage"...
Similarly,
can mean a legal process, an emotional/spiritual process, a court event, a state of mind,
and a societal event, statistic, and stressor. Mates can begin divorcing psychologically long before physical
separation and/or legal dissolution occurs.
Some couples may legally divorce, and one
or both mates remain emotionally bonded by need, longing, hatred,
resentment, and/or love - specially if they co-conceived one or more kids.
Ongoing post-separation court battles over child-custody, visitation, and/or finances are a clear
symptom.
People casually agree
that "divorce" is traumatic, without defining what
they're referring to. Often the
household relationships leading up to
spousal
separation cause far more
and personality
than the legal process or event of divorce.
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For more perspective on re/marriage, see
this article, these links, and
these Q&A items.
For three practical steps to prevent
divorce, see this series. Note
the practical guidebook for
in this divorce-prevention Web site,
The Remarriage Book (Xlibris.com, 2002). Most of the book pertains to
any primary relationship.
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index
Step-
This prefix
comes from the thousand-year-old English root "stoep-," which meant
"not related by marriage," deprived, or orphaned. Orphans were common in William the
Conqueror’s world. Like "bio-," the
prefix "step-" denotes a group of social relationships and family roles like stepfamily,
stepparent, stepmother, step-grandfather, stepsister, step
great-aunt, step-cousin, and
If the relationships,
and developmental stages and
tasks in typical |