The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/02/vc_impasse.htm.
Continued from page 1...
Relationship "Cutoffs"
A second universal relationship dynamic occurs when (a)
between two
or more people
becomes intolerable and (b) mutual hope of resolution vanishes. Then one or more of the people can refuse to initiate or participate in further
communication - they "cut off" contact with the other person/s ("I'll have nothing
more to do with Sarah's family.") This may last a day, several weeks, months,
years, or a lifetime. The cutoff may be mutual or one-way.
One confusing type of cutoff occurs when two people in regular contact (e.g.
living in the same home) ignore each other or give only limited or "cold"
responses ("I say 'Hi' to your son as he comes home, and every time, he says
nothing, makes no eye contact, and walks right by me.") A common instance of
this occurs between
parents who want no
(painful) contact with each other are forced to interact
because of responsibilities to their minor children.
Often the way the cutoff is initiated and maintained (e.g. timidly,
indirectly, inconsistently, rudely, aggressively, scornfully) can
significantly increase shared feelings of distrust, disrespect,
dislike, and hopelessness. More stress can come from how each person
involved describes the reasons and impacts of the cutoff to common
relatives, friends, and associates - specially minor children involved.
("Your supposed father is a real jerk. He doesn't even care enough about you
kids to call or send a card.")
People who don't understand
false-self
and
can misinterpret another adult's ending contact -
specially with their own kids. For example, some specially-wounded
of
childhoods have a weak or no ability to form real
psychological
with other people.
People who
can bond normally can't really
empathize with the isolation and relentless agony of living in a world where
"I'm supposed to care (for a child, aged parent, disabled sibling, or
ex mate) - but I don't feel anything. I'm bad / wrong / some kind of
freak!"
Ignorance of this dynamic often
causes other people to mistake the no-bonding wound for insensitivity,
selfishness, and "coldness." They unfairly blame the absent person as being
"bad" when s/he cannot care and relate as they think s/he should.
This is very confusing to any minor or adult kids involved. Young kids
often feel there's something wrong with them if a parent shows little
or no interest in communicating with them - in general, or after parental
separation and divorce. This promotes the crippling psychological wound of
excessive shame.
Another common contributor to
one-way or mutual cutoffs is excessive
For example,
parents who
and
their mates and children for years accumulate massive guilt and shame for
doing so.
Where false-self wounds and
prevent self and
mutual forgiveness, it becomes less painful to avoid contact and reminders
of past hurtful behaviors. Paradoxically, this protective form of
(avoidance)
often increases shame and guilt.
Significant cutoffs always cause a web of
for
affected adults and kids who are able to bond. Whether a cutoff is
resolved or not, affected people need to
these
broken bonds well enough. Wounded
survivors and members of low-nurturance families often have trouble
grieving effectively, which compounds the stresses from an
individual or group cutoff. This is one reason for Projects
and
in this
divorce-prevention site.
One
aspect of the four or five
that stress average
low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") family members is ignorance
(lack of information) of what you're reading here.
Motivation to learn, patience, and
can reduce this common stressor!
Resolution Options
Typically, no one snared in a relationship cutoff is aware of (a) the
underlying
causes
of their
impasse or (b) the resolution-options above. Anyone can learn and
patiently apply the options to see if the impasse will free up over time.
The
essential first step is to work toward
your true Self steadily
of your
other
To maximize odds of resolving the impasse, one person
needs to...
-
take genuine (vs. guilt-based or strategic) responsibility for their half of what caused it,
and...
-
become willing to acknowledge that honestly,
and...
-
choose a genuine attitude of
despite past events, and...
-
apologize
sincerely in a way the other/s involved can hear, without major
or anxiety.
An effective way of doing this is to invite the other person/s to say clearly what they
needed from you and didn't get, without defending, arguing, or justifying yourself
("Yes, but...").
is a powerful tool to help do this
if you have established a genuine
attitude of
mutual respect (vs. blame) - which usually requires your Self
(capital "S") to be in charge of your other
active subselves.
Mutual respect opens the way to feeling empathy and compassion for each
of you, which promotes genuine self and mutual
forgiveness.
When one person in a cutoff becomes
ready to try again and the other/s aren't ready,
are powerful resources.
Taking cut-ff-resolution steps like these usually requires (a) aging
and accumulating wisdom, and/or (b) some trigger event that spurs motivation
to try communicating one more time, despite repeated
in the
past. Simply understanding what causes cutoffs and the power of these
resolution steps may provide that trigger.
Other triggers can be the birth,
marriage, injury, or death of a child, major financial shifts, illnesses, or
disabilities; true (vs. pseudo) addiction and/or
recovery, a
awakening, a natural disaster, another divorce, or similar impactful events.
Reflect - have their been any relationship impasses or cutoffs that have
affected you, and/or are doing so now? Try applying what you've read above to
better understand what may have caused them, and what you may do about them. What do you want to do now?
Resources: these articles can help you understand
values conflicts and how to avoid or resolve them effectively...
Recap
This article focuses on one of
three
universal relationship problems: values conflicts. It defines and
illustrates these inevitable conflicts, proposes what causes them, notes two types of
values conflict (internal and interpersonal), and suggests a series of steps to
avoid and reduce them. Key steps are...
-
learning to assess for and reduce
significant false-self (psychological) wounds, and...
-
learning
to practice effective-communication basics and skills.
The article also offers perspective and resolution suggestions for two
special kinds
of values conflicts - impasses and relationship "cutoffs." It
concludes with links to relevant resource
articles in this Web site.
Next:
continue with one or more of the articles above or follow a link below.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did
you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident
(capital "S") or
+ + +
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