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Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/03/compare.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance
family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
What's
the Problem?
Co-parents about to
re/marry and other non-steppeople often assume that average stepfamilies and intact
biofamilies are "fairly similar." Paradoxically, both family types
do
have
similarities - and also differ
in over 60 ways. Neither family type is
better - they're different. I
t's
vital for courting and committed stepfamily mates and
their relatives, friends, and professional supporters, to
understand just how different stepfamilies are, so everyone can form
realistic
expectations.Many
traditional intact-biofamily norms don't work well in normal multi-home stepfamilies!
This is one of a series of articles that describe
Project 3 for
stepfamily adults and supporters. This Project involves
family adults (specially co-parents)...
accepting their stepfamily
identity, ("Yes, we are a normal multi-home stepfamily"),
and studying stepfamily basics;
agreeing
on
who belongs
to their multi-generational stepfamily, and...
learning
how to avoid and resolve significant membership
(inclusion/exclusion)
conflicts.
This article
summarizes 35 biofamily - stepfamily structural (vs. dynamic) differences. Together, these
differences promote
~30 unique family-adjustment tasks that
most biopeople don't face.
A companion article summarizes how average stepfamilies are
like typical
intact biofamilies.
Option - before reading further, see how many structural
differences you can name...
StructuralStepfamily-BiofamilyDifferences
"Structure" here refers to the
elements that make a family. "Dynamics" refer to how these family
elements interact.
Typical co-parents need learn about and work together at a mix of concurrent
biofamily-merger tasks, to meld and stabilize
their
three or more biofamilies
over some years.
Average extended
(multi-generational) stepfamilies differ more in structure from intact biofamilies than adoptive, foster, and same-gender families.
In reviewing the following summary,
note the significance of
individual
differences, and the collective impact of allof them on stepfamily
adults and kids. Follow the links for more detail on any difference, after
scanning the whole table.
If
you're not interested in individual differences, the
point of listing them all is to document how
different typical stepfamily structures are - which is a
key reason typical biofamily norms and expectations
are often not applicable to stepfamily life.
Structural Element
Typical
Nuclear Stepfamily
Typical Intact
Biofamily
1) Number of
co-parenting homes
Usually two or more homes linked
by legal documents, emotions, finances, genes, ancestry, shared
history, responsibilities, and memories
Usually one nuclear home
2) Children born prior to a co-parent choosing a (new) mate
One to six+ minor and/or
grown kids (his and/or hers)
Usually none
3) Number of
active co-parenting
adults
three or more:
you and me, your
and my ex mates, and (maybe) their new mate/s
One or two co-parents
4) Number of
absent
bioparents
One or more(if
a co-parent has kids
with several prior mates), living or dead
Usually none, unless jailed,
traveling extensively, or at war
Bigger, more complex:
typically
50 to 100+ genetic
and legal mem-bers; often from different cultures
Smaller,
simpler: typically under
50 genetic and legal members (inlaws)
11)
Family variations (types)
Almost 100, considering co- parents'
death, divorce, marriage, parenting, and custody variations; Result:
"No one's like us -
we're alone"
One
("traditional"): mom, dad +
biokid/s; much more social normalcy, empathy, and support
12)
Adults' ages at (re)marriage
Older: typically 30-45+; wider age
differences; more life experience; partners may be more
mature
Younger: typically 18-30;
smaller age differences, less experience, less mature
13)
Mates' prior
family
rules and
rituals (e.g. "who carves the turkey in this home?")
three or more sets: each mates'
birth-family, first marriage family, and absent-parent family/s
Usually two sets (each
spouse's birth family)
14)Mementos of
mates' prior union/s, and their kids' biofamily life
Many emotionally-loaded,
tangible and abstract reminders
None
15)
Major personal
tangible and abstract
losses (broken
bonds) to mourn
Many: from divorce and re/ marriage
and cohabiting; for kids, parents, and close
relatives; many losses are involuntary
Far fewer due to
marriage. More losses are intentional choices
16) Spouses'
parenting values and styles (e.g. child discipline)
Pre-formed before re/wedding
and cohabiting; They often
conflict and need compromising
Evolved together over
years; differences are usually less stressful
17) Family
communication
and problem-solving
styles and
skills
Pre-formed; both intra and
inter-household style-conflicts are likely; compromises needed
Evolved togetherover
years
This is a LOT to digest, isn't it? We're about half done with
35 common structural differences between typical stepfamilies and
intact biofamilies. Do you need a stretch or refreshment break
before continuing?
Structural
Element
Typical
Stepfamily
Typical
Intact Biofamily
18) Possible
"outsider"
family- interference or support
More interference: ex-mate/s
+ their new partners (if any); + courts; + bio and step relatives
Usual (~90%) on one or both
"sides" of the new stepfamily, unless prior mate/s died
None; a co-parent's parents
or siblings
may have been divorced
20) Caregivers'
legal
parenting rights and responsibilities re minor kids' school / health / custody
/ etc. (varies by State)
Fewer and less clear
rights (step-parents and step-grandparents); responsibilities are more confu-sing; A legal
parenting agreement may exist which excludes any step-parents
More and clearer
rights
(bio-parents and bio-grandparents); re-sponsibilities far clearer. No legal documents to
negotiate, enforce, or litigate
21) Prenuptial legal
agreement/s about asset and debt ownership if mates (re)divorce
More common; symbolizes
the real possibility of re/divorce; Can pro-mote major
loyalty conflicts
Uncommon
unless one or both spouse/ are very wealthy
22) Folklore /
social
image / common descriptive adjectives
More negative
image: deficit- based; "blended" / "wicked
(step-moms)" / second best / "unreal" / "unnatural," / "minority" /
"non- traditional"/ abnormal
More positive image:
intact biofamilies are "regular" / "normal" / "natural" /
"real" (family) / "traditional"
23) Marital
(a)
experience and doubts, and (b) commitmentand hope
More experience and realism, so more doubts
probable - specially if there were prior divorce/s; Commit-ment may be higher
More idealism,
fewer
doubts; commitment (usually) high, unless marrying because of duty (responsibility), guilt, or fear
24)
Incest taboo:
Odds of sexual
abuse or inappropriate intra-family attractions or actions
Theory:
higher odds of major
trauma (e.g. emotional / spiritual deprivations,
abuses, and
neglect) for both mates. If true, this is often
denied to
one's self
and others
Theory: lower odds of low family nurturance and psychological wounds, unless the family is
chronically troubled.
34) Family nurturance level
now - how often adults
and kids get most of their
primary needs met well enough:
Probably lower, because of more people, conflicts, and adjustment
needs, and the complexity of stepfamily
mergers.
Probably higher
on average, because there are fewer people, conflicts, and family-adjustment
needs and losses.
35)
Human-serviceprofessionals' accurate knowledge of basic family norms, traits, realities, stressors, and dynamics
Lower. Most legal, media,
clergy, education, and counseling professionals have no
informed stepfamily training. Common
error: "stepfamilies are pretty much like biofamilies"
Higher:
Clergy, doctors, family lawyers and judges, educators, counselors, and their supervisors
are more often trained and experienced in biofamily norms and dynamics
Many of these structural family differences
generate stepfamily-unique adjustment tasks. These are often...
concurrent,
recurring (e.g.
if "the other" ex remarries), and...
add to "normal" personal, home, and
family life tasks.
Typical courting and newly-committed partners and their supporters aren't
expecting or prepared for these adjustment tasks.
This
causes significant stress in and between family homes, until co-parents learn "what's
normal" by trial and error, and correct their
expectations. This often takes
four or more yearsafter committing and cohabiting, as co-parents slowly
merge their
several multi-generational biofamilies.
Pause. breathe, and reflect - what are you thinking and feeling now? What
did you just learn? Is there someone else you feel should study and discuss these
35 structural differences?
+ + +
Continue
this comparison by reviewing the ~ 30task differences between
average stepfamilies and intact biofamilies.
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/03/compare.htm
What's
the Problem?
Continue
this comparison by reviewing the ~ 30