Project 9 of 12 toward high-nurturance families and relationships
	How Typical Stepfamilies Develop Where Is Your Stepfamily on These Three Possible Paths? - p. 2 of 2   By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/09/develop.htm

Continued...

        These two pages outline three possible developmental paths that typical multi-home nuclear stepfamilies follow, over time: nurturing, enduring, or dying. Awareness of these paths and the choices that determine them can help responsible co-parents grow a clear long-range perspective on "Where do we want our family to go?" and "How are we doing?"

        The "/" in "re/marriage" and "re/divorce" notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" include the three or more bioparents and stepparents co-managing a nuclear-stepfamily's two or three related homes. Clicking a link will open a popup or full browser window. Use your browser's "back" button to return from the latter.

        The prior page outlines 11 traits that typical leaders of high-nurturance (step)families have. With those traits, co-parents can lead others in their extended stepfamily to feel safe, respected, appreciated, and encouraged to grow and live up to the limits of their individual potentials as unique worthy persons.

        My research since 1979 leads me to estimate that that fewer than 15% of typical American stepfamilies follow this nurturing path. The biggest, and least acknowledged, of five combined reasons for this seems to be that typical re/married divorced and/or re/married co-parents (and their ancestors) were unintentionally deprived of adequate nurturance as young children. Once aware of this, most such Grown Wounded Children can intentionally co-create a more nurturing stepfamily, over time!

        The other ~90% of U.S. divorcing families and stepfamilies follow one of two other evolutionary processes: the enduring path (~30%), and the depleting, or re/divorce path (~60%). How can your re/marriage and stepfamily avoid these? Part of the answer is by your co-parents being aware of them, and what these developmental paths mean, long term. 

2) The Enduring Stepfamily Path

        Enduring can mean (a) "lasting through hard times with determination, resilience, and courage;" or (b) "staying in a painful or toxic situation out of paralysis and fear." We're talking about the latter here. Have you experienced that kind of endurance?

        If you were or are married, do you know why you said "I do"? I'd bet you did hoping to fill some deep needs you couldn't fill elsewhere. When quenchless needs for comfort + intimacy + stimulation + acceptance + social normalcy + respect + companionship + belonging + encouragement + nurturance go unfilled too long - and our protests, ploys, pretences, and pleadings don't work - we passively resign ourselves and endure, we or leave. Have you (and any kids) experienced either of these?

        About 90% of U.S stepfamilies follow the divorce of one or both new mates. Some previously-divorced mates will do "anything" to avoid re-experiencing the guilt, shame, anxiety, pain, rage, and expenses of that trauma. Others say "if our relationship doesn't work, I'll just bail out again." Ages, finances, and whether unhappily re/married mates have dependent kids or not usually affects which view they choose.

Here, endurance means "choosing to stay in an unfulfilling or toxic re/marriage, and tolerating the suffering in yourself and those you live with because stepfamily separation and re/divorce seem too costly, scary, risky, and shameful."

        What does following this endurance stepfamily-development path mean to the co-parents and kids involved? Given our protective ability to deny painful reality, how do you know if you're on the enduring path? If you are, what are your options? First let's review the... 

Implications

        Bottom line: choosing the endurance stepfamily-development path means some or all of these things:

        1) You and your mate are each getting only some or none of your key marital needs met, much or all the time, and...

        2) You're getting used to that and to "fighting all the time" (vs. win-win problem-solving), or often feeling distrusting, disrespectful, resentful, and cold (unempathic, indifferent) toward each other; This enduring stepfamily path also means...

        3) You and your partner are more likely to be psychologically wounded - i.e. your personalities are probably dominated by misdirected false selves for many of your waking hours without your knowing it. That probably means...

• Your communications are often ineffective at home and elsewhere,

• Your and any dependent kids' wholistic health is probably being subtly and progressively degraded,

• Your daily [work - play - rest] balance is probably often skewed and energy-depleting,

• You're seeking self-harmful ways of self-comforting - e.g. addicitions and/or medications (including sugar and fat); then denying that to yourself and others, and denying your denial;

And living from your false self also may mean that...

• You're continuing to live (semi-consciously) a fear-based and/or shame-based life, as you (unconsciously) may have most of your life - and you may not trust or know that you can attain a far more serene, productive lifestyle if you want to badly enough; And...

• You're needing to blame your mate, others, and/or God for this situation, rather than face the fear of looking honestly at your own wounds, responsibilities, and recovery options. And finally, choosing to live under the control of a well-meaning false self may harvest...

• When you're elderly and reflective, your deep regret at not having been more proactive and less passive and enduring in your stepfamily situation.

        And electing to stay on the endurance stepfamily-development path may also mean...

        4) You partners probably haven't studied these stepfamily realities and common hazards, and/or really tried your version of these 12 co-parent Projects yet, and...

        5) One or more of you and your kids may be blocked in grieving some or most of your key losses (broken emotional/spiritual bonds), which amplifies all of these symptoms; and...

        6) You may be living in emotional isolation or despair, not able to trust and reach out for lay or spiritual help and support or feel that you merit it; and...

        7) You may be regularly pretending to yourself and/or relatives, friends, and co-workers that "My partner and kids are all fine" - and feeling secretly guilty and ashamed for this (protective) deception; You may also...

        8) Be unintentionally providing any visiting or residential minor kids in your life with (a) significant periodic anxiety ("Am I  / are you and we safe?") and (b) a distorted model of what marriage sounds, looks, and feels like. And understandably, you also may...

        9) Be avoiding an honest assessment of the scary possibility that you've re/married the wrong persons, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time (again?); and if you have, what those decisions mean about your self-image, self-respect, and self-trust; And on this stepfamily path, you partners may have... 

        10) Repressed or given up on grand dreams for a happy future, and/or you prefer "not to think about the future, which is protective false-self denial;

    If many or all of these traits fit you (and/or your partner), that may mean that...

        11) You often feel overwhelmed, confused, weary, anxious, "irritated," "depressed," and/or numb - and you see no clear way of unraveling all of this to build some credible hope for a better life. Finally...

        12) All these together may mean you've considered separation and (re)divorce and rejected it for various reasons (so far), or you've needed "not to think about that." The hallmark of this stepfamily developmental path is resignation - a conscious or unconscious core attitude of "Oh well, I can't change this, so I'll have to tolerate it the best I can."

        That toxic, protective illusion often signals life-long false-self dominance. The steep price of this fear-based attitude is that it promotes a stressful, low-nurturance environment which inexorably wounds any dependent kids.

+ + +

         What are you feeling and thinking now? This is a partial outline of what it can mean if a co-parent chooses the enduring, vs. a nurturing stepfamily-development path. These 12 meanings are also symptoms you can use to sense if you partners have drifted into this unfulfilling path. If you partners and kids are enduring, you have some...

  Key Options

        Your most powerful option is to acknowledge honestly that you and any minor kids may be, or are, on this toxic enduring stepfamily path, so far. Accepting this empowers other choices like deciding to explore whether you've been ruled by a misinformed, well-meaning false self - a group of personality subselves who are too scared, overwhelmed, confused, or ashamed to allow you to risk any second-order (core attitude) life changes. 

        This site's Project-1 articles and worksheets on co-parent  give you many options to explore this possibility safely - in your own way, at your own pace. Reading an article at a time, discussing and tailoring it with trusted others, and perhaps journaling and meditating, can begin to open up some powerful options. A related choice is reading one or more books about "Adult Children" and recovery from childhood deprivation and trauma.

        These choices all lead toward your discovering and acknowledging your true Self, and dedicating part of most days to gradually harmonizing your personality subselves under that subself's wise, far-seeing guidance. Following this core option may be enough to break your stepfamily impasse. It will probably empower you to begin as series of new options, like...

        Doing an honest attitude check. Learn which you believe: (a) "I can learn to significantly improve my life, " (b) "I can't do that," or (c) "I'm not sure." If you don't believe "I can...", a protective Cynic and/or Pessimist subself is probably running your life. If you begin to try out some version of "I can learn to change and improve my life," another group of empowering choices you have is to...

        Decide to learn some key things like...

• What a Personal Bill of Rights looks like (option: make your own, and use it!)

• Communication basics and skills you partners could choose to help each other learn and teach your kids. Doing this opens up the chance of replacing avoiding, debating, or fighting with effective problem-solving. Pay special attention to uncovering what R(espect)-messages you co-parents are used to exchanging...

• What divisive stepfamily values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles are, and options for resolving them well. And you can choose to learn...

• What your main priorities have been, and whether they have been serving you well. My experience is that co-parents in nurturing stepfamilies spontaneously each choose to put personal integrity and wholistic health first, their long-term re/marriage (usually) second, and all else third - without undue shame, guilt, or anxiety. What do you mates do? 
  
  And you co-parents can choose to learn...

• What's normal in a typical multi-home stepfamily? If you do, you mates can begin to discover - as teammates, not adversaries - if part of your impasse and misery is due to unconsciously handicapping yourselves with unrealistic expectations about your stepfamily roles and relationships. Misconceptions appear to be the U.S. stepfamily norm.

        These are some "starter options" if you're enduring stepfamily pain. If you elect to give these an honest try (What can we lose?"), my bet is you'll discover your unfulfilling stepfamily log jam will start to free up, over time. Reread these two pages and instead of focusing on their content, focus on your self-talk (thinking, feeling, and imaging) as you read. Option: journal about these honestly, without judgment. 

        Your distrustful false self may try to persuade you to ignore these options or try to sabotage your efforts at them (like "forgetting" what you read, or filling your mind with vivid unrealistic catastrophes, or...)

Bottom line: the enduring stepfamily development track is usually based on a false belief that "I can't change this situation and get my needs met." A common related semi-conscious illusion is "I don't deserve to be happy or content." These are sure signs of false-self dominance. They also indicate probable unawareness of stepfamily realities and effective co-parenting, grieving, and communicating basics.

       If you're in enough pain, one or both of you partners can choose to risk options like those outlined above (i.e. follow the links...). If you do, expect to move you and your kids towards an increasingly nurturing stepfamily experience or towards...

3) The Stepfamily Re/divorce Path

        This developmental path is one millions of typical U.S. co-parents find their stepfamily ship swept along, like whitewater rapids and a raging whirlpool or cataract. It begins like the enduring path above. By the time re/married co-parents break semi-conscious denials and acknowledge this path, the momentum is often too great to stop, and someone calls a lawyer.

        I suspect that you're reading this (a) to avoid this painful developmental path, or (b) you want to know if you're on this path, and what your options are. If the latter, here's a four-step test to see if you're in the "whitewater:"

        (Re)read the traits of (a) nurturing-stepfamily leaders and of (b) typical members of high-nurturance groups. See if you honestly feel they each apply "well enough" to you, your partner, and your kids. If not...

        (Re)read these traits of people on the enduring stepfamily path. If you (a) fit those, and (b) you reject the possibility of re/divorce, and/or (c) you're self-motivated to try some or most of the options above, then you're probably not in the whitewater yet. A third test is...

        Invest time in this long inventory of stepfamily strengths. If you don't want to, or if you find "too few" strengths (by your standards), then you may well be on the re/divorce path. A final act of courage or desperation is to...

        Fill out the group of Project-7 worksheets honestly, with no distractions. That will increase your clarity on whether you and/or your partner have married (or are considering) the wrong persons, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.

        A related test is to assess you all with this summary of 16 common courtship danger signs. To guard against normal subjectivity (distortions), considering having an objective outsider (e.g. a stepfamily-aware counselor) help you evaluate this.

        After doing evaluations like these, you'll be somewhere on the spectrum between "I feel reason to hope for re/marital improvement" and "I feel no credible hope of getting my primary needs met." If you conclude that both you and your partner are more toward the "Credible hope" end, then all ~150 of these Web articles and the related guidebooks here can help guide and empower you to pull out of the whitewater and navigate onto the nurturing developmental path, over many months.

        After years' study, these 12 safeguard projects are the best way I know to guide and empower your co-parents to get on that path.

If you and/or your partner aren't honestly self-motivated to work at this years-long high-return merger project as teammates, then you probably are in the whitewater headed toward the re/divorce falls. An implacable reality: if either of you (i.e. your false selves) made one or more of the three "wrong" re/marital decisions, you can't undo that. Sadly, the 12 projects can't put your Humpty Dumpty stepfamily re/marital dream back together again.

        After thoughtful soul-searching and (ideally) some qualified clinical help, if one or both of you feel this to be your truth, then refocus on proactively raising the quality of your future life. One fruitful option is to work compassionately toward forgiving yourselves and each other. Another is to work toward co-creating personal and stepfamily Good-Grief permissions, to help you all mourn your losses well (Project 5). A third is to review these options thoroughly - ideally with each other.

        There's a potential silver lining in the enduring or re/divorce stepfamily-development paths. They both highly suggest you're controlled by well-meaning false selves. The good news is: once you recognize and accept this (including grieving your lost illusions), you have a far higher chance of choosing some form of true personal recovery.

        For many of us, the agony of a(nother) divorce in mid-life finally breaks old denials and allows us to admit our false-self wounds. Though psychological and legal divorce is always a major multi-year trauma, personal recovery progress can greatly improve the quality of your and your kids' lives after grieving and accepting your many losses (broken bonds).

        First things first - perhaps your highest current priority is deciding, personally and with your partner, what your long-term goals are. If you're reading this before re/marriage, factor in what you've read here into evolving a meaningful mission statement on which to base your shared long-term efforts. Add these developmental-path ideas to others you're using from these seven safeguard projects to define your long-range re/marital and co-parenting goals together.

Recap

        The majestic Natural birth > aging > death cycle  causes all families to follow a progression of predictable developmental stages over many decades. Typical stepfamilies follow the same stages as intact biofamilies, with complex extra developmental steps thrown in.

        How aware co-parenting partners are of (a) their family's developmental path and (b) how to navigate it's major stages successfully, largely determines which of three paths their stepfamily will follow: nurturing, enduring (dissatisfaction), or legal or psychological re/divorce.

        It appears that a small minority of typical U.S. stepfamilies achieve the wholistically-healthy nurturing path. It consistently fills members' adjustment and developmental needs well enough, and promotes all adults and kids fully developing and using their individual talents and gifts.

        A larger minority of stepfamilies evolve along a path in which co-parents chose to endure unfulfilled marital needs and partially-effective co-parenting, but they stop short of physical separation and legal re/divorce. The majority of typical American co-parents unconsciously lead their nuclear stepfamilies down a path of pain, regret, disillusionment, and failed bondings toward the trauma of separation and re/divorce.

        This article overviews the traditional and stepfamily developmental stages, and proposes three possible outcomes. It is part of co-parent Project 9: merge and stabilize three or more multi-generational stepfamilies over many years, ideally based on shared long-range relationship goals and visions. 

Ideally, courting co-parents are self-motivated to work at