The
Web address of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/03/facts.htm
Recall why you're reading this article. You just read some stepfamily
definitions and key facts. What do these facts usually mean?
Implications
Recall the five proposed
hazards that
can promote years of stepfamily unhappiness, and ultimately legal and/or
psychological re/divorce. One widespread hazard isadult
unawareness
of key things, including the stepfamily facts you just surveyed. Typical courting
and committed couples'
of all these "facts" and related realities may cause up to
60 common
misconceptions about stepfamily life. If co-parents don't...
genuinely (vs. superficially) accept their
stepfamily
identity,
learn what that
means to their
adults, kids, and descendents; and...
proactively identify their
stepfamily misconceptions and
correct them, then...
they risk trying to
merge
and stabilize their several biofamilies
using unrealistic (biofamily-based) expectations.
That guarantees major
stress in and between their kids'
related homes.
If
typical co-parents seek help with inevitable, concurrent
problems during their complex multi-year merger, they find that most clinicians, clergy,
support groups, and media commentators are unaware of stepfamily
norms, realities, and implications. They too don't know what they don't
know. Result: little or no effective help, or things get worse from
inappropriate or toxic advice.
Unawareness combines with
four other hazards
so that millions of typical U.S. stepfamily adults and kids
suffer years of mounting
stress, and the agonizing trauma of
psychological or legal
re/divorce. This happens despite many stepfamily bioparents divorcing at
least once before, and being "older and wiser."
From
29 years'
stepfamily research, I estimate that perhaps 10% of all American re/marriers
are consistently happy and achieve a well-bonded,
high-nurturance
stepfamily over time. The millions who choose to avoid legal divorce
endure ongoing disappointments, unmet
primary needs,
hurts,
frustrations, anxiety, guilt, regret, weariness, and increasing hopelessness.
Most attempts to
explain this don't
delve below
the surface problems to the
primary
ones. This premise follows my studying over 300 lay and clinical stepfamily articles
and books since 1979, and learning from over 17,000 hours of
direct consultation with average co-parents, kids, and other professionals.
The
12 family Projects
outlined in this divorce-prevention Web site can significantly reduce this tragic, silent scourge.
These multi-part tasks can lead committed co-parents to increased
personal health
and significantly raise their stepfamily's
nurturance level.
That gives their marriages and minor kids the best chance for life-long
satisfaction and security.
Projects 1-7 are
best begun before re/wedding and/or
cohabiting.
The first six Projects
prepare courting couples for the seventh - picking the right
people
(plural) to commit to, for the
right reasons,
at the
right time. U.S. redivorce estimates suggest most remarriers don't make these
three vital choices. The first six Projects are also very useful for
committed stepfamily partners, and prepare them for
five more. These 12
protective Projects
are not (directly) related to the well-known 12 addiction-management
steps.
The 12 concurrent family Projects are very challenging. They're not for the half-committed, distracted,
over-needy, significantly-
wounded, or faint of heart!
Neither is re/divorce and its tragic local and long-term impacts! The potential
benefits of a well-bonded, high-nurturance web of caring stepfamily
relationships makes patiently progressing on these objectives priceless.
Pause and reflect
on what you just read and whatit means - in general, and in
your life. Rate your prior knowledge:
Before reading this, I knew... __
none of these facts __ a few of them __ about half of them __ most of
them __ all of them.
Now think of other relevant people (partners, ex mates, older kids, friends,
parents and siblings, clergy, counselors, attorneys, judges, tutors,
teachers, financial advisors, support-group participants...). How clear would you guess each of them
is on what you just read? Most people don't know what they don't know about
family nurturance and stepfamily, communication, grief, and relationship
basics, so spread the word!
Continue
raising your awareness by reviewing and discussing...
These
suggestions on how to best use
the information in this site.
Further perspective on
what these stepfamily facts mean to typical co-parents
and their kids;
this sketch of the typical
adults
and kids who form average U.S. stepfamilies;
this
example
of a real stepfamily who knew few of the things you're learning here;
this outline of the
12
Projects that stepfamily adults can work on together;
these stepfamily
questions typical co-parents should ask (and
answers);
The
Web address of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/03/facts.htm 
Implications
