All six co-parents and
three kids are working to clarify and stabilize
( 9 x 8 ) /
2 = 36
in their nuclear stepfamily over time.
They have lots of other relationships to stabilize with their many
Each adult here is a bioparent and an ex spouse. Four are
dual-role
co-parents with the concurrent
(responsibilities) of bioparent and
stepparent.
Unlike intact biofamilies with minor kids, the remarried couples have two
household "states" - "kids home" and "kids gone" (if
visitations with the other homes coincide.)
Each child is trying to sort out their relationships with
three co-parents
who are telling them what to do, when, and how. They have to learn two sets
of household
and consequences which often
are ambivalent or clash.
The people in these four homes will be webbed together
well beyond the youngest child leaving home
by complex invisible
bonds of memories, genes,
emotions, goals, customs, responsibilities,
insurance policies, wills, debts, marriage licenses, and divorce and
These nine adults and kids are all working at
many concurrent adjustment tasks
- e.g...
Define and agree on up to 30 family
(who's responsible for what?) in their
which is an
evolving
of the co-parents'
six
multigenerational biofamilies. Typical extended stepfamilies can have well
over 60 members living in many related homes;
Evolve a complex set of
for each of these roles - e.g. how to be a 'good' stepson and
stepbrother in each of my two homes; how many checkbooks, and who balances
which?; who carves the turkey now?. This includes "how do we set and
enforce household child disciplinary limits here?"; ..."
Evolve new daily and special
(eating,
holidays, chores, vacations, ...) from their prior ones; and ...
Combine their old communication
(confrontive,
passive, serious, humorous, raucous, quiet, ...) and
vocabularies; and their
ways of socializing, worshipping, and relaxing;
Learning how to spot and resolve
alien
and loyalty conflicts, and
associated
Merge their assets and belongings, and stabilize who
pays for what, when?; and...
Decide "What do we
call each other in this family?" - for
example, Maria wonders "Are you "Alice," "her,"
"My Dad's new wife," or "my stepmom"?
While everyone works at
these tasks, each child is working to fill several sets of overlapping
developmental and family
adjustment needs
which are often alien to the co-parents and family supporters. The kids
depend on all six adults to want to overcome common
and form a
to help
everyone.
These are among the almost 30 adjustment tasks
that typical new step-people take four or more years to stabilize . Each time
someone changes residence, moves geographically, graduates, retires, gives
birth, dies, or remarries (e.g. single parents Nancy and Burt), everyone has to
adjust some of these things all over again. As these people and their
relatives work at these tasks, they're confronted with a maze of surface "problems"
like these...
This is a four-home, six co-parent, three-child nuclear stepfamily.
A partial extended
(multi-generational) stepfamily looks like
Typical multi-home stepfamilies are structurally and dynamically complex!
Next, scan...
-
this stepfamily
quiz; or this slide presentation on
stepfamily basics; or...
-
a summary of the
many U.S. stepfamilies
experience significant
and perhaps psychological or legal
within 10
years of re/marriage. The "/" notes that it may be a stepparent's
first union; or ...
-
a sketch of typical American adults and kids
before they decide to join or form a
stepfamily; or...
-
an overview of the three
developmental paths typical
stepfamilies can take as they evolve; or...
-
this
comparison of the typical developmental phases for intact
biofamilies and typical stepfamilies; or...
-
these valuable Q&A
items about relationship and family topics.
+ + +
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Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/03/geno-ltl.htm