The
Web address of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/03/geno1.htm
Continued...
The prior page summarizes "Why make a genogram?" and the initial steps
for
making one. This page finishes describing these steps, shows you a sample genogram, and
proposes ideas on how to use your family map.
Now that you've sketched in the co-parents'
and kids' rows of your stepfamily genogram, you're ready to take...
Step 4)Add Significant Biological and Step Relatives, and Others
Draw
circle-and-square symbols about 6-8" above your own symbol, representing your
biomother and biofather. Connect these symbols with a solid horizontal line if they
were married, or a dashed line if they weren’t. If they divorced or separated, note
that with an "X" or " // " on this connector line, with the approximate
date. If either is dead, put a slash or "X" through their symbol, and note the
date and cause of their death.
Add your bioparent’s ages now, or at death, and any
nicknames they were/are known by to you and any grandkids. If either of your bioparents
re/married or had a child with another partner, draw symbols and solid or dashed
connector-lines for each of those adult partners and children. Add their names and ages
to your diagram, and any other info you feel is relevant.
Below the horizontal connector-line linking your
bioparents’ symbols, draw down slanted solid lines to new circles and squares for
each of your living and dead genetic brothers and sisters. Locate them
about 1/3rd of the way between the
grandparents’ row and your co-parents
row.
If these sibs are or were married, add symbols and horizontal connector lines for
each of their past and present partners, and slantedlines down to symbols
for each living and dead child of theirs. These are your kids’ aunts,
uncles, and cousins - and your stepkids’ step-relatives. Add full names and
nicknames, ages, and any other relevant information like major illnesses, disabilities,
addictons, "in college," "state track champ,"
"Peace Corps," or "in the Army."
Repeat this multi-level
"ancestor" step of your genogram for each of your two or more other
co-parents,
one at a time. Stay focused on your goal here, for this can feel tedious and
overwhelming:
you’re aiming to represent all the people who comprise the
web of genetic and emotionally-important relationships that currently form
your whole multi-home, multi-generational stepfamily now.
To guard against overlooking a
family member,
stand in the imaginary shoes of each co-parent, and ask yourself "Honestly,
who do I count as my genetic and psychological family now - even living and dead relatives I
‘hate’ or have ‘no relation’ with?" Add names, ages, and any
other relevant information. Include any fourth-generation people like great-grandmothers
or great-uncles, of high current emotional significance to any of your
co-parents
or minor or grown children, whether living or dead. They count!
Final
check: one at a time, slip into the skin, mind, and heart of each minor and grown
child. Ask "Is everyone I have strong ( + and - ) feelings about on this map
now?" If any adults or kids are missing to any child - even if you
don’t feel they belong - add symbols and connector lines for them now.
If you’re satisfied that
everyone who
is an emotionally, genetically, and legally significant member of your stepfamily - as
judged by each co-parent and each grown and dependent child, not you alone
-
is included now, darken the lines of all symbols and connector lines with a pen or
soft pencil. The structure of your stepfamily map is now done.
Pause,
breathe, and note your
emotions and "inner voices."
Try to be objective about your map, as though you were a
reporter or scientist. Personal and family
awarenesses and insights are the real harvest of
this vital project.
Step 5)Genogram
Options
As a finishing
touch, use different colored pens or markers to circle, asterisk, or note:
adults and kids you feel have
significant false-self
wounds;
the
nurturance level
of each home in your stepfamily (Low > Moderate > High)
stepfamily members whom
you don't accept but others do;
adults and/or kids who aren’t
accepted by other stepfamily
members;
strong antagonisms (use zigzag lines "wwww" to connect their symbols) or favoritisms and
alliances (use double-parallel ====== connector lines) between
pairs of
members;
kids and adults who don’t want to be included in
your stepfamily
now;
members who deny or don’t realize that you all form a normal multi-home, multi-generational
stepfamily
now;
adults and
kids who may not have fully
mourned the
losses
(broken bonds) from prior family reorganization from divorces and/or
deaths;
This is a
partial
genogram of a real six-co-parent, three-co-parenting-home stepfamily. It
shows about half the members (!). Most information (names, dates, death
causes, etc.) is omitted for simplicity. There are over 60 people here,
and some are left out!
Using Your Genogram
Family maps
are learning, discussion, planning, and teaching tools. Learn and discuss what?
Things like...
"What are the key differences between our stepfamily map and our
biofamily maps? What do those differences mean to us?"
"How likely is it that we
all will ever feel like a
unified, bonded-enough multi-home stepfamily?"
"What would have to happen to promote
that? Who "should" make that happen?"
"What if that neverhappens?"
"Do individual full-time and part-time residents in our
current homes have very different definitions of 'who comprises our stepfamily?' If so,
how do those differences affect me/you/us?
"Do I feel something should be done about these family
membership disagreements? What,
when, and by whom? What will probably happen if that 'something' doesn’t get
done?"
"What - specifically - do I need to learn from
and/or tell my partner
now about what this stepfamily map
means?"
"Is there any child or adult stepfamily member I feel uneasy
about showing this map to, or asking to draw their own? Am I reluctant to compare and
discuss our genograms with anyone? Is my partner?
What’s the discomfort about?" "Discomfort" is probably code for anxiety or
fear, and/or
guilt, and/or shame.) If I or we don’t resolve this
"discomfort," what may happen, over time?"
"How did I feel creating this genogram? How did
each other co-creator? What does that mean?"
To use your genogram as a
planning
tool,decide - after honest discussion with your other co-parents - if
there are now excluded or rejecting members. If so, decide together if you all
feel it would help your stepfamily as a whole (specially your kids) to offer these
people inclusion. Options
-
invite them to family gatherings out of desire,
not "duty";
proactively inform them of key family events, whether they
participate or not;
show them your diagram
and invite their reactions;
give them copies of
these articles on stepfamily identity and
membership, and invite respectful
discussion; and...
consider their needs
and feelings in making key household and stepfamily decisions even if they
seem indifferent.
Keep your perspective: just as personal bonds
take years and shared experiences to grow,
feeling like a ''real (bonded, caring)
family" can’t be rushed or dictated. It’s a sense that may
or
may occur among some or all of your
adults and kids
after four or more years of small and large shared events following a
commitment ceremony.
If some people need to
deny your stepfamily
identity
and/or to reject
membership in it, they're
probably
wounded
and/or
not finished grieving some major divorce, death, and/or
other
losses
(broken bonds). Incomplete grief is one of five common personal and
stepfamily
hazards.
Family
Project 5
in this nonprofit Web site offers perspective and practical suggestions
on assessing for and freeing or completing
healthy mourning. For perspective, see this
research summary.
One of the best uses of your genogram/s is to
visually teach key members and lay and
professional supporters that you are a multi-home
stepfamily. If some
co-parents, kids, or key relatives don’t fully accept this identity, they’ll
probably hold stressful biofamily expectations of themselves and each other.
They’ll also be unmotivated and resistant to learning and accepting "What’s
normalin a stepfamily like ours?"
Typical
multi-home stepfamilies differ from typical
intact biofamilies in at least 60 specific ways.
Understanding this can greatly help co-parents and kids avoid conflicts within and
between themselves and each other. What would happen if on some special
occasion you mailed a copy of your genogram to every stepfamily member, with
an appropriate note or letter?
What if you invited
everyone on your
map to assemble and meet each other? (Notice with interest what your
inner voices have to say about that idea!) How does stepfamily
loyalty
and identity build, over time? Did these exist in your biofamily? Your
first-marriage family?
How has that affected you and your personal
identity? How will
the youngest kids in your stepfamily be affected if you all never develop a clear,
coherent, positive stepfamily identity
("we’re the O’Rourke-Jacobsen-Chang Clan, and proud of
it!")?
When you feel done making and
thoroughly discussing your genogram with all relevant kids and adults,
save it for
later reference.Comparing it to a future version can yield helpful insights about
your stepfamily
merger
and development progress - however you define that. Use
these diagrams and
structural maps to help understand and
manage your dynamic, complex
system
of related homes and people.
Option: Check out www.genopro.net
for a genogram software tool...
Refocus
on the big picture: clarifying and agreeing on your stepfamily identity
and membership is the third of
seven vital Projects
best begun during stepfamily courtship. Committed partners
can profit from the first six of these projects at any time! Once well along on this
Project, courting partners are ready to beginProject 4: form realistic role and relationship expectations together by learning how stepfamilies
differfrom intact biofamilies,
and what's normal in them?
Recap
This two-page article describes how to make and use a powerful graphic
tool to help co-parents understand and manage a complex multi-home
divorcing-family or stepfamily. It can be specially useful in promoting
constructive discussion among family members who are visual learners.
Genograms or family maps can also help members...
clarify who belongs
to their family, and spot and resolve significant conflicts over
this;
spot and resolve
significant family-identity confusions or conflicts;
evaluate and improve
the nurturance-levels of their homes and whole family;
effectively manage
their complex merger of several multi-generational biofamilies, over
time;
track and celebrate
their development as a complex system of dynamic roles and
relationships, over time; and...
make best use of any
professional human-service helpers they hire.
Making and discussing a family genogram is best done by two or more
related co-parents (a) after marital separation; and (b) during serious
pre-commitment courtship. Genograms are useful for any adults who want
to understand their childhood and/or current family better
An excellent resource for
diagramming your family tree is
GenoPro - a
software tool and instructive Web site. Also note another powerful visual tool - family
structural maps.
Pause, breathe, and reflect:
recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If not,
what
do
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise, resident
true Self
or
"someone else"?
The
Web address of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/03/geno1.htm
Sample (Partial) Three-Home,
Three-Generational Stepfamily Genogram
Refocus
on the big picture: clarifying and agreeing on your stepfamily identity
and membership is the third of