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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance
family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the
best ways to use its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense
they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents
and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
This
article outlines the third of
12 Projects to help typical
stepfamily co-parents neutralize five
widespread re/divorce
hazards.
The first seven projects are best done
before
deciding to re/wed.
PROJECT
3: Co-parents Accept Their Stepfamily Identity, and Agree on Who
Belongs
Why Do It?Multi-home stepfamilies
are normal- they've been around for thousands of years. Modern
American stepfamilies are complex, confusing,
and stressful.
They differ in over 60
structural and
dynamic ways from
intact biofamilies. They have...
many more adults, kids, and related
homes;
a complex set of losses, conflicts,
and unique adjustment tasks to master; and...
up to 15 extra, alien family roles
to negotiate among...
three or more merging
multi-generational biofamilies. All these factors cause ...
many more chances for
serious innerpersonal and interpersonal conflicts.
And...
norms and expectations that "work"
(fill members' needs) in traditional biofamilies either don't work, or create
new
needs via conflict and stress.
Co-parents who really accept that they're forming a stepfamily (vs. just
"a family") learn that the five
re/divorce hazards
apply to them and their kids. That motivates courting couples
to research and change up to 60 common stepfamily misconceptions
into realistic expectations. That counters
unawareness, and helps them avoid
re/marrying the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.
Partners can do this together viaProjects 1 to 7 before
re/wedding. The current 60% U.S. re/divorce estimate implies that most
stepfamily couples don't do this, and traumatize themselves and their minor and
grown kids again.
Bottom line -
this vital stepfamily
identity and
membership project is the gateway to
the next Project - learning (a) what it
means
to be in a confusing multi-home
stepfamily ("Despite our love, we're at risk of re/divorce!"), and learning
(b) what it takes to succeed, long term ("Some version of these 12
projects.")
To better understand why this project is vital and ideally worked on before
re/marriage, see this real example
in which one co-parent denies their stepfamily identity.
Project-3
Goals
Courting couples acknowledge (vs. deny or minimize)
early
together that if they co- commit to re/marriage, they and their kids and ex mates will
form a multi-home stepfamily that differs from
traditional intact biofamilies in up to 60 structural and
dynamic ways.
Each partner learn to accurately describe
(a) at least 25 of these
differences, and (b) their key
implications for them, their kids, and their ex mates. Each partner (c) can clearly describe
and explain the
five reasons
for stepfamily re/divorce, and
(d) some clear version of
these 12 safeguard projects.
Each courting partner fully accepts that
(a) both bioparents of each
stepchild, and (b) any current or future new mates
of an ex mate, will be full co-parenting partners in their stepfamily
for many years - well beyond each child achieving independence.
Courting
partners who exclude their kids' other parent/s and kin from stepfamily
membership (i.e. who ignore their needs, feelings, opinions, and values)
generate
"endless" confusion,
conflicts
and divisive
relationship triangles. That inexorably forces kids into the
middle of bitter adult wars, and risks eventual psychological or legal re/divorce.
Co-parents come to think consistently "We are a
(three or more) co-parent, two or three-home
nuclear stepfamily"
vs. "Only those who live in our home and genetic relatives belong to 'our
family.' "
Co-parents learn to identify up to 15 new stepfamily
roles ("stepsister, half brother, step- uncle, dual-role co-parent,..."), and
to
comfortably use appropriate stepfamily titles ("This is my stepdaughter Jennie. Her
biofather is Frank, and I'm her stepdad.")
Co-parents help minor and grown kids to understand
(a) their identity and (b) membership in a normal multi-home stepfamily, and
(c) to clarify their
confusing new stepfamily roles. Help each other (d) accept that some relatives, and
non-stepfamily adults and kids, will not understand or agree with this "step"
identity, and may be critical or hostile to it.
Using their communication skills from
Project 2, co-parenting partners develop effective ways of
(a) identifying and (b) resolving significant
personal and interpersonal stepfamily
membership (inclusion and exclusion) conflicts among their key
stepfamily adults and kids.
+ + +
Who's
responsible for doing Project 3? Adult couples who co-commit to a
primary long-term relationship involving prior kids. Once they commit, the responsibility
for this project expands to
all three or more
related co-parents, and then to all
genetic and legal adult kin, for the sakes of their living and unborn children.
When
is the best time to begin Project 3?As soon as courting couples
(a) agree
they're seriously evaluating a fully-committed relationship to each other, and
(b) they've
begun doing Projects 1 and 2. Doing this third project will usually raise couples'
motivation to work hard at those two foundation projects before re/marrying. Re/married
couples can do this "identity" project any time.
Is
there a "best way" for courting or re/married couples to do this
project?Here are some tailorable ideas ...
Read and discuss the overview of
Project 1 (inner-wound assessment) together. Unless in true recovery, typical
co-parents dominated by
false selves
will find reasons and ways to defer, ignore, or sabotage this "identity"
project, because it can seem scary or "pointless"!
See if you partners each can clearly define
family,
family system, family identity, stepfamily,
stepparent, co-parent, and stepchild. Here are some
definitions to help. Then...
Agree on what label you want to use for
your family - e.g. step, combined, blended, merged,
co-family,
remarried, etc.Start using your label/s in talking
with others, and note your mutual reactions. Then...
Agree on what stepfamily membershipmeans to
you, and what (a) membership (inclusion /
exclusion) conflicts and stepfamily (b) identity
conflicts are ("We are a stepfamily." "Wrong-o -
Absolutely not!")
Help each other keep a long-range perspective
- e.g. the next 25-30 years. Identifying and
resolving stepfamily identity and membership conflicts early
is an investment in your project of building a network of stable and satisfying stepfamily
relationships together over many years. Finally...
Accept that
your minor
and grown kids' other
co-parents and all their emotionally-
connected relatives are full members of your multi-generational stepfamily. Like it or not, their
opinions, needs, values, genes, decisions, and legal responsibilities and rights
will
affect your and your kids' lives for decades.
Your choice to view them
compassionately as (potential) caregiving allies and teammates, as non-entities, or as
untrusted antagonists, will significantly affect the quality of your stepfamily experience - and
your re/marriage - for many years. Now that you're
prepared...
Then Act...
Each partner thoughtfully
draw a
genogram of your potential or actual three-generational stepfamily. Do this separately to avoid
clouding your diagram. Then compare and discuss your maps together. Focus on answering two
questions:
"Can we all agree on who we include as members in our multi-
generational stepfamily?"; and once you do...
"Who among our members doesn't know or agree that we
are a stepfamily?"
On your three-generational family map,
identify and agree on
probable or clear membership conflicts with symbols or colors (like a red lightning
line /\/\/\/ between two people). There are
three kinds:
internal
(within one person), inclusion, and exclusion. Each is a
different challenge, and warrants a different strategy. All three cause tension and
stress, until you agree on a strategy to resolve them.
Using your version of the
seven
communication skills
together
(Project 2), (a) develop effective strategies to resolve significant stepfamily identity and
membership disagreements among your adults and kids well enough (a subjective
judgment). (b) Accept that this may take months or years, and will overlap with your
other 10 ongoing stepfamily-building projects.
As you resolve each conflict, appreciate those who helped
resolve it - including your Selves!
+ + +
Notice how you feel now. Pause and reflect on what
you just read, and what it means in your lives short and long range. Then back
away from this vital stepfamily identity and membership project, and regain
your wide-angle vision by reviewing the summary of all
12 safeguard projects.
Option - learn about these and related topics
by
downloading and
study this free 8-module re/marriage-preparation
course. Do this with other co-parents, as a couple, or alone. If
you know someone who wants to help support healthy stepfamily
re/marriages and relationships, alert them to this informative modular
seminar...
If you partners are
clear on why do this third project (above) and what to do with the results, start
doing
it, along with ongoing
Project 1 and
2. If you're not clear on what to do with
the results, review a summary of
Project 4: co-parents learn
what it means to your kids and adults to be in a normal multi-home stepfamily.
Project 3 is described in the co-parent guidebookStepfamily Courtship
- how to make
three rightre/marriagechoices. This is the third
volume of the Break the Cycle!series.
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/03/project03.htm
PROJECT
3: Co-parents Accept Their Stepfamily Identity, and Agree on Who
Belongs
Who's
responsible for doing Project 3? Adult couples who co-commit to a
primary long-term relationship involving prior kids. Once they commit, the responsibility
for this project expands to
