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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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Common
Stepfamily
Expectations
31 - 60 - p. 2 of 2:
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW;
Member,
NSRC Expert Council
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 The Web
address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/04/expect1.htm
Continued from
page 1...
This worksheet
summarizes 30 more common stepfamily expectations.
If you haven't recently,
review the directions before
completing this.
 Stepfamily
Expectation
Who believes this?
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Me |
You |
Other |
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As mature
adults, my partner and I know how to communicate and problem-solve well
enough now, and we're teaching our kids to do these well enough. |
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It's unnecessary - or may even
be harmful
- for divorced parents to explain clearly why they divorced to their (old-enough)
children. |
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Stepchildren
often don't "turn out" as well as biochildren. |
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Minor stepkids have pretty much the same
growing-up tasks that kids in "regular" (intact biological) families have. |
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I should and can keep everyone in
our new home happy. I (or we) must make "it" (pre-stepfamily pain
and loss) up to the child/ren. |
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Stepparenting is basically the same as
bioparenting. |
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Stepparents aren't
"as good" as
real (bio)parents. |
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Typical stepfamilies are
inferior to biofamilies. |
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There's no chance that anyone in our
stepfamily will ever be romantically attracted to, or sexually active with, each other,
except the married adults. |
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I'll never resent my partner spending time
alone with their biochild/ren, and they'll never resent me spending reasonable
time alone with my kid/s. |
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It's OK to require minor stepkids to call
a stepparent "Mom/my" or "Dad/dy," even if they
don't want to. |
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Members of typical stepfamilies (like
ours) have no special or unusual reasons to feel guilty or embarrassed. |
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My (and/or your) kids' other bioparent is
not a full member of our stepfamily, and never will be! Neither are any of
his (her) new or future partner/s, stepkids, or their relatives. |
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My (and/or your) ex spouse will ( always
/ surely / never ) send the proper child support, on time. |
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My (and/or your) ex spouse will ( always
/ surely / never ) use the child support we send "right."
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Stepfamily
Expectation
Who believes this?
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Me |
You |
Other |
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My (and/or your)
kids' other parent will ( surely / never ) re/marry. |
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My (and/or your)
kids' other parent will ( surely / never ) have a new child. |
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My
(and/or your) kids; other parent will ( surely / never ) move close by (or
far away). |
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My (and/or your)
kids; other parent will ( surely / never ) cover the child/ren with their
medical, dental, and/or life insurance. |
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My (and/or your)
kids; other parent will ( surely / never ) sue for (or give up) child
custody. |
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My (or your) co-parenting ex
mate or their relatives would never (or surely) interfere if you or I wanted
to adopt our stepchild/ren. |
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My or your stepchild/ren
would be happy and excited if I or you wanted to legally adopt them. |
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My new mate will ( surely /
never ) want to have a baby with me though s/he has prior kids. |
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Our other
stepfamily members will support and welcome our having an "ours" child,
if we choose to. |
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Having an "ours" child
together would surely strengthen our (or any average) re/marriage and
stepfamily. |
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Most local clergy, school
personnel, and mental-health professionals are reliable-enough sources of re/marriage and
stepfamily help, support, and advice. |
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Most U.S. communities have effective
support groups and provide informed education for stepfamily co-parents and/or
their kids. |
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Because typical stepfamily
co-parents are mature marital and child-raising veterans, typical
re/marriages
succeed more often than first unions. |
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I'll never commit to an
unsuitable or dysfunctional marriage partner or family situation (again)! |
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My mate and I
will never re/divorce.
Our love, commitment, dreams, and experience (wisdom) will see us and
the kids through any problems! |
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Pause and reflect. Are there other major
expectations you have that are shaping your vision of how your re/marriage,
home, kids, kin, and stepfamily "should" be? Does your partner have any others?
What are they - specifically?
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My stepfamily research since 1979 suggests that
each of these 60 expectations is often ! Perspective: the
related realities fit typical multi-home stepfamilies.
Because there are almost
of stepfamily, yours probably has some
exceptions. |
To better
understand and validate these common myths and realities, learn (a) how stepfamilies are
structured very differently from typical biofamilies, and
study (b) the 30 unique merger-adjustment tasks steppeople face that their biofamily
peers don't. Co-parents' learning stepfamily realities,
,
basics, and what
questions to ask helps
neutralize one of the
for
widespread
stepfamily distress -
.
Recap
This two-page worksheet summarizes 60 common misconceptions that lay
people and family professionals hold about typical multi-home
stepfamilies.
in this nonprofit Web site is about accepting your identity as a normal
stepfamily, and agreeing who belongs to it.
invites step-family adults to form realistic expectations about their
family roles, relationships, and development by comparing these
widespread myths to general realities.
Option - ask other adults in your stepfamily to read the main
articles in Project 3 and 4, and then use this worksheet with an open
mind. Then discuss your results together as nurturing teammates, and
help kids and family supporters change their myths into realistic
expectations.
Reflect - why did you read this article / worksheet? Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need to do next? If not - what do you
now?
+ + +
[file:///C:/prf/SI/site/copywrite.htm]
Updated
October 12, 2008
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