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Typical courtships evoke extra politeness, tolerance, and thought-fulness, reluctance to confront honestly, and high tolerance for values conflicts and irritating behavior - specially in the beloved-partner's child/ren. Mates' and adult-child relationships often change significantly after exchanging vows. That rite instantly alters key roles: biomom's "boyfriend" turns into "stepfather;" "your daughter" becomes "my step-daughter;" "your woman-friend" is now stepmothering my granddaughter, and is my new daughter-in-law; your ex-spouse's delaying child support now affects our finances (vs. yours); "your" nerdy (or cool) son becomes "my stepbrother"; etc. Cohabiting without a commitment rite adds vague-ness and confusion to these changes and stepfamily roles. These many instant role, relationship, and identity changes often cause new stepfamily members to (a) unconsciously alter their expecta-tions of each other ("now you must obey me"), and/or to (b) feel confused on what to expect of themselves and each other. If co-parents (including ex mates and active co-grandparents) and kids aren't expecting these abrupt changes and many months of stepfamily confusion and conflict, they can feel stressed, self-doubtful, anxious, frustrated, and disoriented. Co-parent awareness and knowledge can minimize these. Bottom line: courtship relationships and behaviors are often a reliable guide to what will happen after re/wedding and/or cohabiting. Similarly, living together before re/wedding probably won't accurately foretell post-re/wedding harmony or strife. Expect the unexpected! |
Stepfamily Reality
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