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Longing to build an ideal new (step)family, co-parents and their relatives may expect the members of their merging families to quickly or eventually exchange the equivalent of biofamily love. This may happen over time - especially if the children are very young, and prior divorces were amicable and well-grieved. It also may hap-pen. Adults can unintentionally stress their kids (and themselves) by expecting them to love their stepkin. Like respect, trust, and friend-ship, love must be earned, and partly depends on chemistry. Even if a stepchild feels affection for a stepparent, his or her (wounded, insecure) bioparent may resent or fear that. S/He may openly or subtly criticize, manipulate, or discourage their child from feeling or openly expressing that warmth. This puts the child in a stressful loyalty conflict which they usually don't know how to handle. Painful reality - some stepparents or stepsibs can't find a way to like a stepchild (or vice versa), let alone love them. Despite hope, effort, and prayer, the "chemistry" just doesn't fit, over time. Experts advise making mutual the basic relationship goal for step-parents, stepkids, and stepsibs. This may ripen into friendship, affection, and perhaps real love. If it doesn't, it can't be helped. No one is wrong or "bad." slides 1 > 2 / detail / Project-9 index / example / Q&A / close |
Stepfamily Realities