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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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What's
Normal
In a Stepfamily?
Realities 1 to 10 (of 60)
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council
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 The Web address of this
8-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/04/myths.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the Web
site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article
is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more
you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
Directions
Read these five pages after you've
thoughtfully reviewed the three-page Web article on 60 Common
Stepfamily Myths. The bracketed [ ] items below refer to these
myths (unrealistic expectations). Several myths may be lumped together in one reality below.
These
items summarize what I've come to believe is real in typical U.S. stepfamilies,
after 27 years'
clinical work with over 1,000 typical re/married couples and co-parents.
There are exceptions to these baseline stepfamily realities, so what
follows is a general profile, not cosmic law.
  Links
below lead to more detail on key topics. Note these practical
guidebooks
that integrate the articles in this Web site.
They're part of a series of volumes
family adults and lay and professional supporters.
These books exist to combat
the current U.S. divorce epidemic
which blights the lives of millions of kids and adults. This epidemic is
somber evidence of the unseen [wounds + unawareness]
which is relentlessly spreading and weakening our society.
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The
purpose of
and these eight pages is to help your adults form realistic
expecta-tions and
for your unique multi-home
stepfamily. The alternative is your unconsciously acting on a set of biofamily-based
beliefs that will probably frustrate and
all your
adults and kids over time. |
If any of your adults
feel skeptical about some of these realities, check them out with
veteran (i.e. re/married five+ years) stepparents and bioparents ("co-parents"),
and with other stepfamily authors.
From
my experience as a stepson, stepfather, and stepfamily researcher,
therapist, and educator since 1979, every one
of these 60 expectations is
partly or completely untrue
in average multi-home stepfamilies!
They are potentially-harmful myths.
Here's What's (Usually) REAL...
[ Myths 1 - 3 ] A
is a
multi-generational group of related adults and kids in which one or more adults
accepts the role of part-time or
full-time stepparent for their mate's biochild/ren. Any
single mother or father seriously dating and/or living with a new partner forms a stepfamily. Most
post-divorce stepfamilies include one or more co-parenting ex-mates and
their relatives.
Blended families are
stepfamilies in which both mates have living and/or dead
biochildren from prior unions.
Typical stepfamilies are like intact biofamilies in
and also differ
structurally and
dynamically in over 60 ways.
This is why
accepting your
as a stepfamily [vs. "No, we're just a (bio)family"] is essential.
Most adults are unaware of many of these differences and what they
all
Family Projects
and
in this divorce-prevention Web site provide the education typical stepfamily
adults need in order to understand these differences.
Typical post-divorce stepfamilies are governed by legal documents
like divorce and property-settle-ment decrees, and
that define
child
custody, support,
visitation, and other parenting
responsibilities. These documents usually don't define the child-raising
responsibilities (roles) of stepparents, which can cause significant
confusion and conflict.
Re/marrying
couples whose kids are
grown and independent
still form a
stepfamily. These couples bypass many stresses around minor kids: e.g. child
visitation, support, and custody conflicts. Middle-aged
re/marriers still encounter serious stressors like stepfamily
unhealed
and divisive
and
conflicts
around kids, grandkids, wills and bequests, names, holidays, family priorities, and
cherished traditions.
[ Myth 4 ] An intact
nuclear biofamily
(parents and dependent kids) normally lives in one home. Typical nuclear
stepfamilies
(co-parents and visiting and custodial minor kids) live in
bound together for years by child visitations, legal
agreements and responsibilities, genes, history, finances, special events, and deep
emotions.
The only stepfamily that lives in one home is one where all biokids or
non-custodial bioparents are dead or uninvolved. Even then, there are usually
emotional and other ties with the absent people, living ex in-laws, and with stepkin
living in other homes.
[ Myths 5 - 7 ] Because they are adults and kids
living and growing together, sharing concerns with work and school, health, pets, bills,
chores, church, friends, etc., stepfamilies
are
average
intact ("traditional") biofamilies.
Paradoxically,
they also differ in
structure,
tasks, and norms in up to 70 ways!
These differences usually combine to cause
unexpected confusion, frustrations, guilts, and conflicts for years. They often render "common
sense" biofamily rules ineffective or even
harmful to relationships and stepfamily bonding.
Some key differences:
unlike intact biofamilies, typical
nuclear stepfamilies:
-
Live
in two to three related co-parenting homes, not one;
-
Always include
(a) one or more dead or absent bioparents (ex spouses), and (b) some of
their blood relatives. Thus,
have three or more co-parents, six
or more
co-grandparents, and many other genetic and legal relatives. This means...
-
Typical multi-generational stepfamilies have 60-100+
people and
of relationships. This usually causes many complex
conflicts over
priorities, values, names, holidays, inclusions, traditions, money, and loyalties.
And typical stepfamilies...
-
Are always founded on two sets of
major
(a) divorce or death, and (b) co-commitment, cohabiting, and
complex biofamily
All three generations
in the three or more merging biofamilies need to
these
losses well, over time.
And typical stepfamilies...
-
Have up to
(e.g. stepdaughter, half-brother, step-niece), compared
to 15 roles in typical biofamilies. There are no accepted social conventions for these
new roles, so they typically cause confusion and frustration in and between linked
homes for years, until a family-wide consensus evolves on how to "do"
them.
-
Typical stepfamily members must deal with
major misunderstandings, and negative biases.
They...
-
Must learn, accept, and master at least 12 complex
over
many
years in order to guard their members against five major
Six of these alien
Projects have no equivalent in average intact biofamilies. Typical co-parents and their
kids must attempt this with little preparation or social support. And
American stepfamilies...
-
Probably
divorce more frequently, legally or
psychologically, than typical biofamilies.
So:
typical multi-home stepfamilies are usually as different from intact
biofamilies as 747 jets are from your family car. Therefore, all
stepfamily adults - including ex mates and their kin - should study stepfamily
basics, regardless of prior biofamily experience. Note that
growing up as a stepchild is usually
adequate preparation for
being an
stepmom
or stepdad.
Over time, all
parenting households evolve hundreds of rules (shoulds and oughts),
about child discipline, finances, holidays, names, privacy, money, pets, home chores,
grooming, health, worship, etc. Many of these rules are unspoken.
Because average stepfamilies are so different, some
traditional biofamily
rules about cohabiting and parenting can cause conflict rather
than order (e.g. see realities 14 -24). Other
common biofamily
rules about who's in charge of the home, hygiene, privacy, interpersonal respect, clear
communications, honesty, nutrition, and the like are still relevant and applicable. The
challenge over time is to learn which biofamily rules are relevant and which aren't.
Steppeople often
become
from trying to force "normal" biofamily
on their new households. For example, pushing stepkids to accept, respect, and like
(or love) their new step-relatives quickly because "kids should
respect and obey their elders" can cause major resentments, guilts, and
frustrations.
So: all typical stepfamily adults - including co-grandparents,
co-uncles, and co-aunts - should...
-
be alert for old
biofamily shoulds, musts,
and oughts that don't work well in and between their linked stepfamily homes, and...
-
be motivated
to negotiate new rules that do work well.
All
step-adults can benefit from studying the experience and
advice of stepfamily veterans and
Adults' prior biofamily
experience is often a reliable guide for stepfamily
success. New-partners' love is frequently not
enough!
[
Myth 8 ]
Co-parents' relatives and friends often
mistakenly expect the new household and kin to feel and act pretty much like (their image
of) a traditional biofamily. They also may secretly or openly disapprove of
prior divorces and/or the parent's new union. Therefore,
friends and
relatives may be startlingly unempathic and critical, or offer unrealistic or
inappropriate (i.e. biofamily) suggestions
when co-parents run into unexpected
role and relationship problems. See reality
too.
[
Myth 9 ]
and/or spouse death
end the primacy and legal and religious contracts of a marriage. They may
not
end the psychological bond between the former partners, specially if
they raised kids together. This is common if one mate didn't want
the divorce, and/or if either of them is
in
their
Re/weddings,
cohabiting, "ours-child" conceptions, stepchild
adoptions, graduations, and other family events can trigger strong emotional
and perhaps sexual feelings in
co-parents well after their
separating. "Endless"
ex-mate hostility, and personal and
legal battles over
child custody, financial support, and
visitation, or constant demands for personal attention or assistance, all
suggest a
former relationship that is still psychologically alive. Some other
symptoms:
-
Ceaselessly
rehashing the good (or bad) old biofamily or marital times, or not reminiscing at
all;
-
Forbidding their child to mention their new stepparent or call them
"stepmother" or "stepfather";
-
Steadily avoiding appropriate social or dating contacts;
-
Instructing their minor child/ren not to obey
or respect their new stepparent or step-relatives;
-
Rigidly refusing to accept their
as a stepfamily member;
-
Refusing to talk about (or with) their ex mate, and/or refusing to join them in
appropriate co-parenting responsibilities;
-
Staying emotionally
(a subjective judgment) with their ex in-laws;
and ...
-
Vehemently
they're doing these things, or
justifying or minimizing them.
Note also that
grandparents, relatives, and in-laws can deny the reality of their child's or kin's
divorce, and show similar symptoms. So can dependent and grown biokids.
A key issue
is whether all relatives affected by a prior death or divorce and
bioparental re/marriage have
their
(broken bonds) well enough. See Realities
[
Myth 10 ] My experience since 1985 suggests that
of average
U.S. divorced parents and stepfamily couples were unintentionally deprived
in their early years of vital
like unconditional love, respect, and affirmations; healthy individuality;
self
confidence and self esteem; appropriate touching; encouragement to feel and express
all emotions without guilt or shame;
and trust that
others would effectively care about and help with their problems.
From
long habit,
of low-nurturance childhoods often
protectively deny to themselves and others the deep
shame, emptiness,
confusion, sadness, rage, and fears - or numbness - that grew from
their deprivations. The protective
causing these denials can seriously interfere with achieving healthy, lasting, committed
relationships.
During courtship, false-self
are often well hidden
behind attractive masks.
There is growing evidence that if not
self-motivated to
admit and
their wounds,
typical single parents unconsciously choose and re-choose wounded
partners.
They also risk unintentionally
wounding
their children as their
ancestors did. Lay and clinical literature
since the early '80s refer to wounded survivors as "Adult Children" (of
"toxic parents" and childhood
Common symptoms
of significant childhood
are repeated relationship troubles including
avoidance, divorce,
(compulsive over-concern with the feelings and
welfare of key others); chronic "mood disorders," and
to
activities
(like work, spending, or helping others) and/or to substances, including
common sugars, fats ("comfort foods"), and
mood-altering drugs.
Coupled
with (a)
and
(b) the complex
merger-adjustment tasks of stepfamily life,
the
in two or more
co-parents can relentlessly hinder
and
and promote eventual re/divorce.
I suspect that unseen false-self wounding
and related ignorance are probably the two most powerful roots of
most American social problems, including rampant divorce.
Few clinical professionals (including
clergy) seem to recognize this so far. Many appear to be unaware of
their own significant wounds and what they
So:
all
courting and committed partners should
their and
their mate's childhoods for
and false-self wounds, and seek informed help
as required. Effective help
is
increasingly available, and can help reduce wounds and related
unawareness over time. In case
you think "Not me! Not my partner!" note that the
normal false-self strategies for coping with these painful inner wounds are
repression (emotional
and denial
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you
of now?
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Updated
October 12, 2008
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