[
Myth 12 ] Legally and
socially, re/marriage or co-commitment does create a new family. However,
it often takes four or more years
after committing
for most stepfamily households to begin to feel closeness, bonding, and
loyalty similar to a healthy intact biofamily. This is true even if one or more
"ours kids" are conceived by the new couple.
Because of the number of
and
biofamily-merger
it can take four or more annual cycles of birthdays,
holidays, visitations, vacations, etc. to forge and stabilize a new stepfamily
and a shared sense of "us-ness." The
greater
the dissimilarity of customs and values in the several merging families, and the
lower the
co-parents' skill at
the longer such
stabilizing can take.
This stepfamily
identity-formation involves members' gradually clarifying and melding ideas
on who has what
in their family - including noncustodial bioparents, their new
spouses (if any), step/grandparents, ex-in-laws, and half siblings.
Conflicting traditions on managing
special
events need to be compromised: e.g. graduations or retirements; major
sicknesses; births, marriages, or deaths; altering wills and paying taxes; house moves or
redecorations; school, job, or church changes; acquiring pets; communions, baptisms, or
bar/bas mitzvahs; special anniversaries; reunions; etc. How to "do"
these "right" has to be renegotiated among all members of two or
more families.
Sometimes
these variables are so complex and/or the merging biofamilies'
are so different, that
a
never fully bonds or grows a coherent identity or loyalties like a
high-nurturance biofamily. This
doesn't mean it can't be a viable family, it means it feels very
"different." Co-parents who define clear
early on, and commit to working patiently toward them
as mutually-respectful
often achieve the
most satisfying bonding over time.
[
Myth 13 ]
Recall
the difference between being accepted as a full member of some
group, and being a guest or outsider (non-member). Here
acceptance and inclusion mean "all other members of our
family...
-
know who I am, and...
-
what my family
are, and...
-
want to include me and my relatives
in important family decisions and activities, and...
-
genuinely care about my needs, feelings, and opinions, as I care about
theirs."
Partial or mixed inclusion happens when some family members include
a new person and others don't.
Significantly
needy) courting
co-parents often underestimate the difficulty of trying to get all members of a
new
to fully accept
and include each other. This is specially likely if any adult or child in the existing
divorced or bereaved biofamily - including ex mates, minor and adult children,
and "close" relatives - isn't well along on
their many family
Most stepfamily
analysts suggest that it can take four or more years after co-committing (vs.
cohabiting) to achieve stable-enough mutual inclusion. For perspective,
acceptance
spans
of things, not
just "accepting a stepparent (the person)" or "stepsiblings liking each
other"!
The most
sensitive inclusion arenas are between a new stepparent, each stepchild, and the
kids' "other bioparent," if living. If the stepparent has kids, they need to
accept their new stepparent, and each stepsibling and "close"
step-relative.
Bottom line: expect full mutual inclusion to be a multi-year process after
(a) any
commitment ceremony, and (b) after overcoming many significant relationship
and
and
conflicts. Typically,
full inclusion after co-habiting without
formal re/marriage is even more complex. The most difficult inclusion scenario is new
co-parenting partners cohabiting before one or both are legally or
psychologically
[
Myths 14 - 16 ]
Normal stepfamily
forces
bioparents to repeatedly choose between filling the needs of their new mate, one or more
biokids, and sometimes their ex mate. Over time, all adult and child members of
typical multi-home stepfamilies find themselves "caught in the middle"
of such conflicts. Repeated
stepfamily
and
clashes are
inevitable for years.
They're often unexpectedly stressful for everyone.
All
families have loyalty conflicts. In them, one
member feels caught between the opposing needs of two or more others. However,
such
conflicts feel and sound very different in typical stepfamilies.
Instead of "You
want 'x' and our child wants 'y'," it's "You want (or your child
wants) 'x' and my child wants 'y'." Or "You want 'x', and my
ex-mate wants 'y'." Usually "x" and "y" are about
child
visitations, money, or
parenting-values and/or
Loyalty conflicts in and
between stepfamily homes occur often in an average week, for years.
So can associated relationship
These may
decrease with time, if co-parents are consistently clear and unified on identifying
and managing them cooperatively.
Some insecure
stepkids may repeatedly force their custodial bioparent to choose between new
spouse and old, to clarify their family rank and test the safety of their new family. Some
stepparents are startled to
find that occasionally or often, their spouse puts the needs or values of their
ex mate ahead of theirs. This is specially likely when the focus is on a
stepchild's welfare and/or avoiding major inter-home conflict.
Most often, the
biomom or biodad feels painfully caught between their new mate and one or
more minor or adult biokids- often
over conflicts on household and family
and consequences (specially child discipline), and "fairness"
If the
bioparent agrees
with one person, the other feels betrayed and resentful - a lose-lose situation.
No
one is wrong when these dilemmas happen. They occur naturally,
due to stepfamily-systems'
Unless they're
who expect to feel
"1-down," stepparents' normal needs for respect, recognition, and inclusion guarantee
they'll need their mate to choose between them and their biochild/ren,
often.
Unaware stepparents can begin to (unfairly) fault themselves for "creating" these
normal conflicts. Courtship politeness and tolerance inexorably fades with time, and resentments over
feeling second (or fifth) can grow bitter and re/maritally
corrosive. Feelings of rejection are primal, and are rarely influenced by
logic.
Alluring non-solutions
to significant loyalty conflicts are to (a) deny they exist, (b) minimize
their stressfulness, (c) justify them, (d) choose lose-lose blaming and
arguing, and/or (e) rationalize that the stepparent is an adult and
should not expect to come "first." So:
expect
and accept these
priority clashes as normal
(inevitable) stepfamily dynamics.
Where
negotiated compromises don't appear, I propose that for long-term
stepfamily health, the mates'
(non-emergency) priorities should be
Paradoxically, putting the mates'
relationship second now puts dependent kids first long-term, by
lowering the odds of traumatic psychological or legal re/divorce.
[
Myths 17 & 18 ]
Longing to build
an
(ideal) new (bio)family, typical
stepfamily mates and their relatives commonly
expect their family members to eventually exchange the equivalent of biofamily
love. This can happen, over time - especially if (a) stepchildren are very young,
(b) adults are minimally
and
(c) prior divorces were amicable
and well-healed.
It also may
happen. Adults
can unintentionally
their kids and
each other by expecting them to
love their stepkin. Like respect, trust, and friendship, love
must be earned, not demanded
Even if a stepchild does feels warmly toward their stepparent, their
(wounded, insecure) bioparent/s may resent and/or fear such affection. That
biomom or dad may openly or subtly
criticize, manipulate, or discourage their genetic child/ren from feeling or openly expressing that
warmth. This puts their kids in a major
(Q14 above), which
they often don't know how to cope with.
A painful
reality is that some adults or stepsibs can't find a way to
like a particular stepchild (or vice versa), let alone love
them. Despite hope, effort, and prayer,
their "chemistry" just doesn't mesh over time.
Experts advise making mutual the first relationship goal for stepparents, stepkids, and stepsibs.
Gradually, this may ripen into friendship, affection, and - with
luck - real love. If this doesn't happen,
- no one is wrong
or "bad."
[
Myth 19 ] Some stepkids steadily reject a
stepparent's genuine affection and support for no apparent reason. Perversely, the
nicer the stepparent is, the more hostile or indifferent the child may seem. Or a
stepparent can offer caring friendship, discipline and guidance to their stepchild/ren, to
find that their spouse disagrees with these or resents their
"interference" with their biochild. Both result in stressful
(Q14 above)
and stressful relationship
They may stem from
one or more of these:
The Web address of this
8-page article is http://sfhelp.org/04/myths.htm
Here's What's (Usually) REAL
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