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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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What's
Normal In a Stepfamily?
Realities
22 - 32
of 60
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council
|
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 The Web address of this
8-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/04/myths.htm
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This
is the third of five pages summarizing typical stepfamily realities.
See
the directions and background on page 1.
Before
reading this page, recall why you're doing so. What do you
 Here's What's
(Usually) REAL
(continued)
[ Myths
22 - 24 ]
Many well-meaning stepparents and relatives - specially some
idealistic and religiously-devout people
- believe "New
stepparents should (immediately) care about their stepchild/ren as much as
their own."
Even
if a stepparent entered the picture when their stepchild was, say, under six years old, many stepparents
feel
about favoring their own child/ren, nieces, and nephews at
first. This can be specially true if their biokids are teens.
Besides their genetic and ancestral ties, bioparents have shared life
experiences with their own children for years. They've usually spent much less time with
their stepchild/ren. To discern your reality, answer this honestly:
"If
our house was burning, which kids would you or I save first?" Usually
blood is instinctively thicker than water! A rose doesn't have to apologize for not being an
orchid...
Typical stepparents
and stepkin may genuinely feel equal concern for biological and step kids,
after a long (e.g. five or more years) pre-re/marriage friendship or custodial stepfamily
history. Otherwise, the reality to accept without guilt is: "I love my
(bio)kids more (or differently) than yours so far, and that's natural and
OK!"
Incidentally, if a stepparent is childless, the birth
of an "ours" child may activate this "mandatory fairness" myth well
after exchanging commitment vows.
Kids naturally test and re-test their power and their
family status by angrily complaining to either
bio or stepparent "You're not fair - you treat (my stepsib/s) better than me!" One co-parent usually has a more relaxed disciplinary style than their new mate -
specially if they're still guilty over earlier divorce trauma and/or they're a
previously-overloaded single parent.
Treating all children in your stepfamily the same is a worthy goal, but to
expect to do so soon after cohabiting is often unrealistic, divisive, and stressful. An option is to
honestly tell the kids something like:
"We're working hard to be fairer. Our
rules have been pretty different than (the other family's), and it'll take time for us to
work these differences out. I understand that I seem unfair to you at times, and that that
makes you mad. I'm really glad you tell me how you feel."
Relatives
face the same loyalty conflict about ranking new stepchildren as family "equals."
These dilemmas are most often felt at initial holiday or special celebration
times, and when co-parents or when relatives make post-re/marriage wills.
The "fairness" struggles usually recede as a stepfamily's
complex
slowly progresses
but that isn't certain. Openly acknowledging
and honest inequalities with humor and without excessive
is healthy and commendable!
[
Myths 25 - 26 ]
My research since
1979 suggests that after child-related disputes,
financial matters are the
second
most conflictual
surface issues
for typical stepfamily
adults. Typical
surface (vs. primary) issues include...
The
"fairness," promptness, and reliability of receiving
child
support, and how the receiving co-parent/s choose to spend such support. Indignant
stepparents can urge their mates to use the courts if necessary to raise, lower, get, or
stop child support - which inevitably causes resentments in the other bioparent's home,
and traps stepkids in powerful
and relationship
.
Ambiguity and vagueness in many
divorce decrees about which bioparent
should pay for what child expense. Absent or "deadbeat" bioparents who avoid
or resist paying child support cause everyone heartburn. Even if such issues have been stable for
years, a teen's looming college costs or unexpected medical expenses can trigger
high conflict in and between stepfamily homes.
Intact biofamilies usually have two parents who blend their individual
financial values and priorities to make money decisions.
Most stepfamilies have
co-parents doing this, so reaching a
stable financial consensus is often
tougher.
Step and/or bio-relatives can
covertly or openly take sides
on who's responsible for which child expenses. This creates or
amplifies divisive
and
conflicts and relationship triangles.
Major
lifestyle differences between co-parents' homes can cause
stress. If one
bioparent can only provide a frugal environment for their
visiting or resident kids, and their ex and any new mate can spend lavishly, the chance for growing
stressful comparisons, guilt, and resentment is high.
More typical surface stepfamily "money" issues...
Spouse's (or relatives')
hurts and resentments over "unfair"
divorce settlements can linger well beyond
a biofamily's breakup. Active
arguments over property settlements can extend far past the re/marriage of one co-parent
- e.g. if a house or other valuable joint property sells years later.
Re/married mates' trying
to agree on how much a
stepparent "should" (want to) contribute to normal and special expenses of each
stepchild. If
they're supporting kids of their own, the "fairness" of their money allocations
can become raging
family-wide
Spouses who equate their mate's financial contribution as a clear measure of
their love and commitment can feel hurt and resentment or gratitude.
Making
a new will or
estate plan after exchanging commitment vows
often brings out unexpectedly intense stepfamily-wide loyalty conflicts
and webs of relationship
The same is true with
adjusting life and medical insurance coverages and
legal titles to homes,
vehicles, and securities.
Typical
courting couples
don't discover and negotiate major differences on these complex financial
topics before committing and cohabiting. Even if they do, unresolved
with other family adults and kids will contribute to major surface
conflicts over
stepfamily "money issues."
|
The primary problems
underlying all stepfamily "money problems" are
adults' psychological
and their
of (a) stepfamily
and (b) realities, and (c) how to
effectively as mutually-respectful teammates. |
The
frequency, complexity, and intensity of typical surface disputes
over money are usually
significantly greater than in average intact
biofamilies. For more
perspective, read these Q&A items and
articles about resolving such disputes between
mates, ex
mates, and/or step-relatives.
[ Myth 27 ]
Depending on state laws,
re/marriage
usually doesn't endow stepparents with the legal
parental rights or responsibilities of bioparents. For example: unless authorized by a legal document called "In
Loco Parentis" signed by both bioparents, typical stepparents can't legally
demand to see their stepkids' school or medical records, and don't qualify
as a legal guardian
in hospitalizing a minor stepchild.
If the most loving stepparent dies without a will,
their assets will usually not go to their stepchildren.
Specific rights and laws vary by state, so ask a local
family-law professional to tell you what pertains in your county - ideally
before
exchanging commitment vows!
[ Myth 28 ]
Studies suggest that
in about one of
three typical U.S. multi-home stepfamilies, one or more minor kids will
move from one
bioparent's house to the other at some time. These moves may be well-planned and
harmonious, or unexpected and highly disruptive, emotionally, financially, and
logistically. Many things may
lead a stepchild to move in unexpectedly with their non-custodial parent and
stepparent, even years after their parent's re/wedding. For example:
The custodial bioparent "not being able to handle" a teen's
"acting out";
The custodial parent re/marrying, and a "war" breaking out between
their child and the new stepparent and/or a live-in stepsibling or step-relative;
The death, injury, breakdown,
illness,
job loss,
bankruptcy, or jailing of the custodial bioparent;
The non-custodial bioparent getting custody because the custodial parent is
clearly
and/or
their children;
The custodial co-parent wants to move out of state, and the other bioparent
legally petitions for physical custody rights;
A minor child becomes legally old enough to choose their primary home
(often by age 14), and
demands equal time with their other bioparent; or...
A grown child separates or divorces, and returns to a re/married bioparent's
home - perhaps with young kids - "for awhile."
Even if well
planned, such physical moves and custody changes often send shock waves through
the
sending and receiving homes' routines, finances, holidays, space allocation, and
So:
stepfamily co-parents in each home should expect the possibility of kids'
changing homes,
however initially unlikely. It's prudent to develop at least a rough contingency plan
(living space, finances, discipline, etc.) early on.
[ Myths 29
& 30 ]
For personal and family health,
all stepfamily members need to thoroughly
major personal
(broken
bonds) from (a) prior
divorce/s or adult death, and (b) stepfamily cohabiting and
Previously-single,
childless
stepparents usually lose prized quiet, privacy, and home-control by choosing
to join an absent-parent family
with visiting or resident stepkids and "interfering" ex mates and kin.
The natural human
reflex to mourn broken bonds can be hindered or
by
family and
social environments. If a "loser" (one with losses) was taught
as a child to fear, numb, or self-medicate painful emotions, s/he'll have
trouble feeling and expressing the shock, confusion, rage, and sadness that
major life-losses evoke.
Also, if a young or grown
"loser" lives among people who discourage honest, full expression of these
feelings ("You're such a wimp! Put on a happy face right now!");
fully accepting their losses and what they mean can be slowed or prevented.
Premise:
incomplete grief and/or an inability to
(a) promote
chronic "irritability" and
psychological and legal
and
(b) chronic
physical conditions like high blood
pressure, some digestive and sleep problems, and
obesity.
Our profit-seeking media emphasizes
speed, excitement, sex, and pleasure - which distracts us from the healthy
discomfort of grieving because
adults and kids want that. This
increases major personal, family, and societal
and illness. In
this divorce-prevention Web site, family
focuses on
building
families.
Can you define your family's current
now? For more perspective, try this
quiz,
and mull these
questions about losses and healthy 3-level
mourning that your family adults should
research.
[ Myth 31 ]
I
have worked with over 1,000 typical Midwestern
and
stepfamily co-parents since 1981.
None of them could pass
this quiz about
communication
and
basics.
Part of their crippling
was they didn't
know what they needed to know about effective
and communicating. Like their
ancestors, they were unable to model and teach their descendents these essential life
- and they didn't know that
or what it meant.
A corollary is that typical family adults can't describe...
-
the difference
between "fighting" and win-win problem solving;
-
what values and
loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles
are, and...
-
how to
avoid or resolve each of these relationship stressors effectively.
Can you
describe these? Adult ignorance of them is a major causes of unhappiness in most
families (like yours?). The good news is, once adults (a) are
by their
and (b) learn communication basics and
how to spot these
problems, they can (c) evolve effective strategies to
resolve them and (d) teach their kids how to do the same.
Family
provides a
framework and many resources to help family
adults and supporters learn how to
communicate effectively together using seven vital
This is
essential for resolving common
to co-parenting
teamwork in
families and stepfamilies. The
practical guidebook for Project 2
is
Satisfactions (Xlibris Corp., 2002).
See these vital
Q&A items about communicating, and this
article about specific ways you can improve
your thinking and communicating effectiveness - i.e. get more needs
met more often.
[
Myth 32 ]
Premise: it's essential
for
bioparents to explain to each minor or grown child why their family
is dis-integrating, in age-appropriate language.
If
the kids are to grieve well and have a chance to build healthy relationships with
new step-kin, parents' helping them to make clear sense out of the chaos of their
biofamily reorganization is vital.
This doesn't
mean each bioparent should blame and smear their former partner or themselves.
It does
mean each father and mother should work toward...
-
Realistically
understanding what caused their divorce, including the possibility
one or both mates were significantly
and
and made up to three unwise
-
Forgiving themselves and each other,
-
Sketching the main reasons for their divorce objectively, in
age-appropriate terms, to each child, and...
-
to the kids' reactions empathically, without judgment or
guilty defensiveness.
Unless in personal
typical
of
low-nurturance childhoods
often have a hard time doing these
divorce-explanation steps. Not doing them risks "endless" bitterness and
hostility between ex-mates; bewilderment, confused loyalties, high shame and guilt in
their biokids; and growing frustration in new mates.
+ + +
 Continue with typical stepfamily
realities 33-40 of 60.
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Updated
January 04, 2009
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