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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment,
vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This
article
is one of a series on family
- learning to understand and practice healthy personal and family grief.
It exists because blocked or "complicated" grief
seems to be an unrecognized epidemic
in our culture. The article
-
summarizes healthy grief, and
-
proposes
six practical steps healthy adults can take to evolve a "pro-grief" family -
that is, one which consistently encourages healthy three-level grief in adults, kids,
and supporters.
To get the most from this article, first review these on healthy-grief basics
(slides or text) .Then assess your understanding with this
quiz.
Background
Throughout
our lives, healthy people automatically form significant emotional attachments
(bonds) to people, things, rituals, ideas, freedoms, dreams, and
many other
tangible and invisible things. Inevi-tably we choose, or life forces, sudden or foreseen endings
of these cherished bonds - losses.
Nature provides us an automatic way to eventually accept and adapt to our
losses and resume normal life - grief or mourning. This natural process
occurs on mental, emotional, and perhaps spiritual levels at the same time,
if allowed to.
Premise:
Healthy grief requires at least seven
personal and environmental
to run its course. Can you name
them? Many typical adults and mental-health professionals have never been
taught these elements and where they come from. This
ignorance (lack of knowledge) is part of the silent [wounds + unawareness]
that is relentlessly degrading our families, culture, and global
environment.
Multi-level
mourning can be slowed or blocked
by internal and/or
social
factors, promoting personal and family
and illness. When mourners and supporters become aware of the common
of grief blocks (missing requisites) and intentionally acquire the
requisites, healthy grief can resume.
Researchers are
just beginning to study blocked ("complicated")
grief, so most lay and professional people, probably including the people
who raised you, are unaware of its causes, symptoms and toxic effects.
Healthy grieving is a vital
component of personal and family nurturance and
Do you agree?
After studying family dynamics
professionally since 1979, I believe
incomplete grief in one or more members is one of five
related
that
most U.S.
families are significantly stressed,
and many
legally and/or psychologically.
Biofamily separation and divorce,
and/or spouse/parent
death, and parental cohabiting and re/commitment cause many major
tangible and
invisible losses (broken bonds) for kids and adults
who are able to bond. This means that healthy grief is essential for most
people - including you.
All
persons and families evolve semi-conscious
(attitudes and conscious rules) about "proper" bonding and grieving. Adults
who are (a)
by their wise resident
and (b) aware of healthy-grief basics, are
most likely to evolve and live from "pro-grief" personal and family policies
- i.e. rules that encourage all family members to want to follow the
six steps below. Before reading about them, see if you can name them
out loud now. Most people can't.
Six Steps
Toward Healthy Family Grieving
The
essential first step is for each adult to...
1) Assess for and heal significant false-self
One of three widespread roots
of blocked grief is adult's unseen psychological wounds from a
("dysfunctional") childhood. The other roots are (a)
of
healthy-grieving basics and other topics, and (b) an "anti-grief"
environment.
So -
each family adult for significant
psychological
wounds, and - where appropriate - seek qualified
help in implementing an
effective
program.
Wounded people in
typically think "Well, that doesn't apply to me/us!" I believe It does apply to most
troubled,
and/or
re/married men and women, and their kids and relatives.
in this nonprofit Web site and its related
guidebook are devoted to wound assessment and recovery. Note
that psychological and legal
are common symptoms of the toxic [wounds + ignorance]
at work. Perspective - recent estimates suggest that almost half of U.S.
marriages ultimately divorce. Uncounted millions more endure psychological
divorce.
Without
steady adult commitment to spotting and reducing false-self wounds and
where needed, the following "good grief" steps will probably be
ineffective.
If you're
not in a psychological or legal stepfamily, skip to
step 3.
2) All
co-parents accept without ambivalence
that you are in a normal multi-home stepfamily
vs. "just a regular (bio)family" - i.e. work at
and
An important implication
is that all your
members have major prior and recent losses to
mourn from (a) divorce and/or adult death and (b) re/marriage
and/or cohabiting and your several families'
If courting or re/marrying
mates bypass this essential step, they risk incomplete grief (specially in their
minor kids), and major ongoing personal, re/marital, and family
s
Typical stepfamily co-parents in different homes are not effective
teammates because of unforgiven divorce-related hurts,
resentments, guilts, shame, disrespects, distrusts, and hostilities. These are often based
on unrecognized
and
If
this describes you and your partner's ex/es and any new mates, I recommend
you study this series of
Solutions
articles on resolving relationship problems between stepfamily
members. A strong
motivation to work at that tough challenge is the long-term welfare and
of your child(ren), and the integrity of your
family's primary relationships.
| In meeting
members of hundreds of average
(U.S. Midwestern) stepfamilies since 1981, I’ve found that about 80+% of their adults come from
significantly
childhoods
and are unaware of major wounds and ignorances.
Many of us
(GWCs) have learned
to protectively
our reactions to painful losses
(broken bonds), and to inhibit healthy grief in key others
by
withholding
to grieve. |
Typical GWCs are
of doing this,
and often deny it if pointed out to them. If such people do these six grief steps honestly,
they often start to recognize and react to their agonizing childhood
losses. A harmful unconscious protection against this pain is to put off,
intellectualize, discount, or fake, moving through all three
levels of healthy
mourning.
Step 3)
Learn the basics
together. All family adults - specially mates
and grandparents - study and discuss these "good grief"
fundamentals and terms to
evolve a shared definition of "effective mour-ning." Discuss the
three levels and related phases in the normal grief process, and
review this grief-values worksheet
for perspective. Note -
adults ruled by false selves are likely to be indifferent, ambivalent, skeptical, "too busy,"
and/or disparage this family project. See step 1.
4) Identify
your current personal and nuclear-family
(shoulds,
musts, have to's, and oughts)
about mourning. Do
you know anyone who's studied their own policy on mourning life's inevitable
losses? Did your parents or grandparents ever talk about their grieving policy? You
probably formed your own policy by
watching and listening to them and other mentors or hero/ines.
Once
you discern the semi-conscious rules that govern how you grieve, study each
one, and update it if it doesn't
promote good grief per step 3. For example, if your inherited grief
policy decrees that "Crying is weak and to be scorned," amend that to
"Crying is a healthy natural reflex for releasing stress-producing brain
chemicals, and is to be encouraged in adults and kids."
5) Take
detailed inventories of the
invisible and
tangible
losses (broken emotional / spiritual
bonds) that each adult and child in your family
has had. If you're in a divorcing family or stepfamily, pay special
attention to identifying adults' and kids' losses from (a) biofamily divorce or adult death, and
(b) co-parent re/marriage and/or
cohabiting.
Option: print and thoughtfully fill out the
two linked worksheets above as a family, with co-parents
guiding. Stay clear that this is not about right/wrong, good/bad,
or blaming anyone for causing pain and loss - it's about learning and
healing.
6) Check
each of your family adults and minor and
grown children for
of incomplete grief. If you find any, adults decide together on how to unblock, and
act! If
you're unsure or scared, seek help from a
licensed grief counselor. Check local mental-health agencies for such
specialists.
These six steps
toward growing a pro-grief family take shared adult courage, patience, and commitment to personal, marital, and
family health. Partners' committing to doing these steps thoroughly together
greatly
raise their odds of marital success and protecting their descendents
against inheriting the toxic [wounds + ignorance]
I encourage you to show this article to your
other family adults and supporters. Discuss it together and decide what you each want
to do with this information. Following these six steps
toward building a pro-grief family takes courage, commitment, and patience. Doing
nothing is
doing something.
|
Your descendents depend on
your family adults to act now
on this challenging, vital
Your decisions on promoting Good Grief among you all
will affect everyone's lives and relationships over many years. This
long-term project is best begun before or during courtship. |
