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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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Worksheet:
an
Invisible-Loss Inventory
What
People Lose by Choice or Chance
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
|
 The Web address of this
worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/05/abstract-wks.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup,
so please turn off
your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships
and preventing divorce.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
 Purposes
- This is one of two worksheets which aim to help
adults and older children in any family:
-
Identify the many specific
tangible
(physical) and invisible
things they've each lost;
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Judge whether these losses have been, or are being, well
mourned; and help them...
-
Name and discuss their respective losses and their
impacts, and support each other in
grieving them
over time.
| Here
a loss
is a broken psychological bond with something of value - i.e. a mental, psychological, and perhaps spiritual
reaction to some prized thing, person, or situation that will never be
experienced in the same way again. Invisible losses include
securities, trust, respect, love, hope, freedoms, abilities,
relationships, roles, and rituals, |
This
inventory is part of a series of Web articles and
resources that promote healthy three-level grief. The series exists because...
-
our unaware ancestors and our warp-speed,
feel-good culture have discouraged typical people (like you?) from
understanding...
-
the
harmful misconception that significant losses (broken bonds)
only occur from the death of a special person, pet, or other living
thing.
Note: This and the companion
physical-loss inventory augment two
chapters in the guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship.
Most of the book - including these two chapters - applies to any couple and their families.
Preparation
-
Decide if your
is
your
If not...
-
expect skewed results from these two loss inventories, and...
-
decide if you want to use
options to
your Self to
guide your
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Get in a quiet, undistracted place, and
allot plenty of
time to meditate as you fill this worksheet out, and...
-
Expect to learn
something useful from doing this.
Options
Make notes or symbols, and add items
to fit your unique situation as you go. Note comments or feelings,
and hi-light with colored markers. Make these inventories
work for
you!
When
you're done, go back and rank-order the most impactful losses
(e.g. "1" = most impactful, "2" = next, etc.). Alternatively,
asterisk or circle the most significant losses without ranking.
One value of this worksheet is in becoming aware of
how many things you or another person has lost. Another is becoming
more aware of how you or they have reacted to those losses. So -
get quiet, take
your time, and note your significant losses.
+ + +
Directions
Though these things can't be touched or
recorded, their loss or ending has left painful "holes" in my (or another's)
life just much as lost tangible things have.
In the "Lost How?" column, use a symbol for
what caused your loss - e.g. "Ch"
for childhood trauma, "D" = from
divorce, "M" for marriage, "R" for stepfamily re/marriage,
"Co" for cohabiting, "B"
for child-conception and birth, and "O" for other reasons.
Get clear on your criteria for judging if grief is "done" or not.
One way to judge this is whether the person demonstrates (vs. says) they have genuinely accepted a loss on mental,
emotional, and spiritual
levels. Incomplete
acceptance causes behavioral clues like
Then use your criteria to decide if you
have (or someone else has) grieved each loss "well enough,"
and put "Y(es)," "No," or "?" for each invisible loss.
Be flexible and creative - amend this inventory to better fit your
unique needs.
My
(or someone's) Invisible Losses |
Lost How? |
Grieved
enough? |
|
1)
Special relationships: (gone for
good, or much less fun, safe, trusting, available, honest, intimate, etc.):
- My Higher Power / Guardian Angel
- Mate or a child
- Relatives / in-laws
- Friends (who?)
- Others: teachers / neighbors /
tradespeople / workmates / clergy / doctor / dentist / beautician /
barber / volunteer /...
- A beloved pet
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2a)
A prized role. I was,
but am no longer,
the main or only...
_ breadwinner; _ rule maker; _ rule enforcer; _ cook; _ house
cleaner;
_ chauffeur;
My _ Mom’s / _ my Dad's main: _ helper; _ listener; _
guy / gal;
_ partner _ companion; _ supporter; _ pal; _ comforter;
_ stepmom (dad); _ stepsister (brother); ____________________________
A Protestant / Catholic / Jew /
Baptist / Episcopalian / atheist /
Christian / Muslim / Buddhist / Methodist / Unitarian / __________________
A (mid)westerner / southerner / easterner / northerner /
_________________
_ _______________ |
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| 2b)
Traits or roles
(responsibilities) I
had, but are now different, or gone. Cross out items that don't apply, and check or
rank those that do. "I was, but am no longer..." |
|
|
_ never (or once) married
_ single and previously divorced
_ a (non)custodial parent
_ without children
_ my ex's only mate
_ very (in)dependent
_ (un)employed
_ a (non)home owner
_ a (non)churchgoer
_ financially (un) comfortable
_ my child(ren)'s only fe/male parenting adult
Living with my _ friend(s) /
_ bioparent(s) / _ child(ren) |
_ never
divorced (widowed) _ a single widow(er)
_ living alone
_ without grandchildren
_ a single parent
_ in small family
_ a (non)commuter
_ a late sleeper
_ the checkbook manager
_ in charge of my home / space
_ my grandchild(ren)'s only fe/male
grand- parenting adult
_ with(out) a will ($);
_ clear on my key responsibilities and values;
|
|
2c) For each
lost family
role
below, change " * " into any of these: boy / girl / child / son / daughter /
grandchild / niece / nephew / cousin / ____
"In our prior family, I used to be, but am no longer, the... |
|
|
_ only *
_ prettiest / most handsome *_ best behaved *
_ tallest / shortest *
_ baby * |
_ youngest (oldest) * _ funniest *
_ loudest / quietest *
_ star *
_ most athletic * |
_ smartest * _ favorite *
_ strongest *
_ _____ *
_ _____* |
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My Invisible Losses |
How
lost? |
Grieved
enough? |
|
3)
Beliefs and ideals
I've lost
(check and/or rank in importance):
_ My childhood family was
very "functional"
_ My
childhood caregivers knew how to identify and fill all my
develop-
mental needs effectively
_
I have no significant psychological
_ I was
not / am not
to anything _
I know how to
effectively _
I know how to
and
effectively _
I'll never need professional counseling or therapy
_ I'll never have a serious illness
or disability _
I know clearly how to protect my/our kids
from psychological wounds
_ My/our marriage will last forever! . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
_ There'll never be a divorce in our family! . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
_ My divorced parents and I (we) will get back together! . . . . . .
. . .
_ My Dad (Mom) will never like (love) another (wo)man . . . . . . . . . .
_ My kid/s will always live with me / their other bioparent . . . . . . . .
_ In major conflicts, my mate will always put me first
_
_
_ |
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Lost divorce beliefs: My
ex-spouse will never
(or surely)...
_ remarry; _ fight for custody; _
be addicted; _ file for bankruptcy
_ pay child support, _ on time; _ move close by (far
away); _ die;
_ reappear; _ have a baby; _ lose their job; _ lie to our
kid/s
|
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|
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Lost stepfamily beliefs:
my parent/s and
sibling/s will accept and value: _ my new spouse, _ my stepkid/s, and _
new in-laws, as much as they did (do) my ex, our kid/s, and my (ex) in-laws
_ I will never belong to a stepfamily
..................................................
_ We are not a stepfamily
_ Our stepfamily is just like any
normal intact (bio)family! . . . . . . . . . . . .
_ My Mom(Dad) and my stepparent will (never) have a baby . . . . . . .
_ Our family's child custody /
child support issues are settled!
_ My child (ex spouse) will fully accept my new spouse / remarriage
_ I'll (we'll) never be involved in a
law suit . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
_ Money allocation will never come between me and
________________
_ No one in our family will be sexually attracted to each other
_ I'll never consider re/divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . .
_ My kids and yours will learn to get along fine, soon enough
_ You and our kids will all want us to have
a new baby . . . . . . . . . .
.
_ Our love and commitment will resolve all our family issues
_ You'll rarely or never
against me . . . . . . . . .
_ Our new (step)family will stabilize in a few months after re/wedding
_ Key friends and _ relatives will empathize with what I'm feeling
_ My new spouse will treat my kid/s like their own . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |
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4)
Lost freedoms and
privacies:
things I did when and as I wanted to, but now I can't do the
same, or at all:
_ Spend quality time with _______________
_ Be leisurely in the bathroom / rec. room / kitchen / car / my bed
_ Use the stereo / TV / piano / VCR / hair dryer / PC / video games
_ Have peace and quiet in my home space . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
_ Buy / _ spend / _ decorate as and when I wish
_ Smoke / drink / work out / shout / nap / snack / travel / read / pray
_ Use the washer / dryer / basement / phone / yard / porch / garage
_ Bowl / fish / garden / dance / paint / write / ________
_ Visit my aunt / uncle / grandparent / Dad / Mom / child / friend / cousin /
brother / sister / _____________ when I want to . . . . . . . . . . .
_ Food-shop, _ cook, and/or _ eat when and _ what I
want
_ Stay out(up) late; _ get up early / late / alone . . . . . . . . . . . .
. .
Do office / home work: _ when, _ where, and _ how I want to
_ Be casual about nudity or modesty at home . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
_ Say what I want or feel about ___________
_ Go to my own church _ when I want; _ have my own space to myself |
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5) Lost rituals, holidays, and
special occasions
from my prior family/life that are very different - or gone
- now:
_ Birthdays: who's / what's changed? ____________________________
_ Easter; _ Passover; _ Thanksgiving; _ Halloween;
_ Hanukkah; _ Ramadan; _ Christmas; _ Valentines Day;
_4th of July; _ Mother's (Father's) Day; _
_________________________;
_ ___________________ vacation; _ our family
reunion;
_ Anniversaries: (who's / what?) ___________________________________
_ Bedtime reading / prayers / tucking in / cuddling / talking /
____________
_ Saturday (Sunday) morning / afternoon / night meal (or activity)
_ Baking; _ planting; _ shopping; _ sports; _ household
chores;
_ game playing; _ pet activity; _ Socializing with
____________________
_ _____________________________; _ __________________________
_ _____________________________; _ ___________________________ |
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6) Lost emotional securities and trusts:
people, conditions, or beliefs I used to feel sure of, but now I don't:
_ My kids (parents) will always love / trust / support / value me
_ I'll (we'll) always have enough money . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
.
_ If I divorce (remarry), my kid/s will be safe and well enough
_ I'll always (never) want (have) custody of
_______________________
_ You and my kid/s will learn to really love each other! . . . . . . . . .
.
_ I should - and can - learn to
love your kid/s like my own
_ My Mom (Dad) will always have time for / listen to / choose / me
_ Your kid/s and mine will get along just fine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
_ Your (my) child/ren will never come
_ I and our marriage will always come
with you . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . |
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My Invisible Losses |
How
lost? |
Grieved
enough? |
|
Lost
emotional securities and trusts
(continued):
people, conditions, or
beliefs I used to feel sure of, but now I don't:
_ My (your) kid/s will always want to live with
_____________________
_ My (your) ex-mate can never come between / control us
_ We'll always be able to talk freely about
________________________
_ I'm no longer sure that ______________________________________
_ You'll always agree with / support / me on
______________________
_ Your prior marriage (relationship) is emotionally
over . . . . . . . . .
_ ________________________ ; _
___________________________ ;
_ ________________________; _
____________________________ .
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- Other significant losses not
included above:
- As I finish this worksheet, I feel...
- A new awareness I have is...
- Something I need to do is
Doing these things together is
part of family
- intentionally (a) evolve a
(b) model and teach your kids healthy grieving concepts and principles,
and (c) help each other learn to do "good grief."
Options
-
Print and inventory
your (or someone's) grief status on significant
physical (tangible)
losses
-
Review this
summary of five widespread personal
and family stressors and the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
that causes them
-
Take this "good
grief" quiz to
see what you (need to) know about healthy mourning
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Review these useful
Q&A items about bonding, losses, and
healthy grieving.
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Study these
slides or equivalent
text article overviewing healthy
bonding and grieving basics;
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Thoughtfully fill out a printed copy of the grief
values-clarification
worksheet;
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Review this introduction to personal and family grieving
policies,
then meditate and write a short paragraph describing the grieving "policy" of
each of your main prior homes;
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Scan these other
Project-5 articles and select any that
interest you.
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Review these useful
books about grieving, and/or
search the Web for grieving resources.
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Have all your family adults and
older kids fill out copies
of these two inventories separately,
then discuss them together. Note that some things may
have been lost more than once
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect: why did you read or fill out this
inventory - what did you
If
you got what you needed, what do you need to do now? If you didn't, what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident
or
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Updated
October 22, 2008
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