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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance
family relationships
and
preventing divorce.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources.
Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles
augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help.
This
article is for all people who seek (a)
wholistic health (b) to
nurture minor children well, and (c) satisfying relationships.
It outlines resources and practical options for avoiding or
spotting and reducingincomplete grief.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
Incomplete grief is a significant stressor in typical troubled relationships,
biofamilies,
divorcing families, and stepfamilies.
Building relationships and families that encourage healthy grief is called "Project 5" (of
12)
in this nonprofit Web site and related guidebooks.
To better understand this series of articles, first (a) read this
summary, (b) take this
quiz, and then (c) review this
slide presentation on "good grief"
basics. Most people (like you) don't know what they don't know about healthy
and incomplete grief!
(a) evolve
and (b) live by personal and family
policies
(rules, attitudes, and values) that encourage healthy mourning, and
(c) model and teach dependent kids how to mourn effectively; and...
check
all adults and kids honestly for
symptoms
of blocked grief; and...
Starting in infancy, healthy people form bonds (emotional / spiritual
attachments) to many things throughout their lives. The "things"
include special people and pets, dreams, places, rituals, and objects. By
choice or chance, these bonds break, causing painful losses.
Nature provides an effective way of
accepting our losses and resuming normal life - grief, or mourning.
If people have three vital factors (below), they grieve effectively.
People who survive a
low-nurturance childhood
often lack one or more of these factors, and are unable to grieve well or at
all - i.e. their grief gets blocked or frozen. This causes a mix of
observable physical, emotional, and behavioral symptoms.
childhood and current
social environments that don't nurture well, and discourage healthy
mourning.
Once they're
understood, each of these can be avoided or reduced. These factors
can combine to cause serious personal and relationship problems - like
chronic rage and crying "attacks,"
addictions,
and (some) obesity,
depression,
sleep, "mood," and digestive problems. These in turn
stress marriages and
families, inhibit effective parenting, and promote our unremarked U.S.
psychological and legal divorce epidemic.
All adults and kids have
major losses to mourn. Members of typical divorcing families and
stepfamilies have major "extra" losses. From 26 years' of clinical
experience with members of hundreds of such families, it appears to me that (a)
many of them are significantly stressed by blocked-grief factors, and (b)
typical family adults and many lay and professional family supporters don't
know this, what it means, or what to do about it.
In these years, I have never met one family couple that intentionally developed a
"Good Grief" policy for their home, and helped their kids
learn and follow it.
Has your family done this?
Project 5 Goals
Individuals
and couples - ideally before
co-commitment, cohabiting, and co-parenting, - can choose to work toward these long-term targets:
what inner and outer
permissions to grieve are, and...
how to
support typical mourners
effectively. Then...
Assess: using this knowledge, all adults
check themselves and each minor and grown child for symptoms of blocked grief.
In divorcing families and stepfamilies, pay special attention to
three sets of major
tangible and
invisible
prior losses from childhood + first-family separation and divorce or
parent death + stepfamily commitment,
cohabiting, and
merger.
Act: Help each other intentionally evolve
pro-grief co-parenting homes, evolve and implement a stepfamily-wide healthy-grief
policy (shoulds, ought-to's,
have-to's, and musts),
and get appropriate help to
thaw
any frozen mourning in
wounded family members, over time.
Teach and encourage minor and grown kids to understand and practice healthy grieving.
Then lay adults and human-service professionals can...
Help other people learn (a)
why this project is vital for personal, relationship, and family health, and
(b) how to do it
well.
Common Questions
My parents and their peers never needed a
"good grief policy," so why should we?Cultural, historic,
religious, gender and genetic, and personal factors make the answer complex. Bottom line:
these people and their ancestors saw no need to, and their patriarchal, work-ethic,
Puritan-based society and religion often promoted ignoring losses and
repressing full grief in order to survive.
Ignorance about
healthy grieving and its contribution to personal and family health
spreads silently
down the generations until someone proactively
stops
it.
What if my partner and/or one or more of our
family adults won't co-operate in this Good Grief project?
Avoid
arguing or trying to convert them. See them compassionately as
wounded, unaware, and afraid through no fault of their own.
Model healthy mourning without preaching, offer respectful good-grief
suggestions without expectations, use these
wise guidelines
together, and
calmly implement a healthy mourning policy in your home and
relationships anyway.
I'm afraid
that
if I or someone I love really
grieves what I or we have lost, something awful may happen.
Is that possible? My
experience is that healthy three-level grief hurts and disrupts life for a while, but always
brings eventual relief (acceptance), and renewed energy and balance. Some grievers have periods of intense rage and
"depression" (sadness) that feel scary to them and some other
people. With
knowledgeable, supportive companions and partners,
healthy spiritual supports, and perhaps temporary
professional help, there is no intrinsic danger to helping this natural healing process
to complete!
Is there any
connection between blocked grief and false-self
wounds? Yes! I think (a) false-self wounds from low childhood nurturance and
(b) unawareness are the primary reasons
that people lack inner and outer (social)
permissions to grieve well.
So major
progress on
Project 1 is a vital pre-requisite
for healthy grief and all related Projects.
Why
should I or we be concerned about blocked grief? Because
mounting evidence suggests that the factors that
cause it relentlessly promote serious long-term physiological,
psychological, and relationship problems like
addictions + mood, sleep, and
digestive "disorders" + difficulty with trusting, bonding, and intimacy
+ psychosomatic illnesses + and premature death.
Is anyone researching
blocked grief? Yes, tho
much more is needed. See
this.
How long does Project
5 usually take? That
depends on many factors, like (a) who's lost what, (b) your family's grieving
"policy," (c) how
wounded your co-parents are, and (d) what practical things
divert your energy from grief-work.
It "takes as long as it takes" to clearly meet all
the goals above, and to eliminate any
causes and recurring symptoms of blocked grief in your family's kids and
adults. If you begin Project 5 before marital commitment, expect the
steps to
continue well beyond your commitment ceremony and/or cohabiting.
What if
partners didn't do this Project before wedding? Partners and
parents can profit from doing this project
any time. It's ideal to do the steps below during courtship to spot blocked grievers before
cohabiting or
exchanging vows.
How can
persons and co-parents do this good grief
Project?By doing these...
Project-5 Steps
First, Prepare ...
Develop a shared rock-solid pro-grief attitude
like "Though it's not pleasant, effective mourning is as vital to our health as
oxygen, a balanced diet, and regular exercise and rest." Also, develop and keep your
long-range vision, for grieving
clusters of related losses can take kids and
adults years to complete.
Courtingcouples put in significant
time and effort on Projects 1-4. Identifying psychological
wounds
and starting to recover
(Project 1) is essential to unblocking
frozen grief. Developing and using the seven communication
skills (Project
2)
will help kids and co-parents a lot in giving inner and mutual
grieving support.
Co-parents accepting your stepfamily identity
(Project 3) and what it
means
(Project
4) provides the
understanding and motivation to do this key good-grief project.
Partners
(a) adopt the open, curious mind of a
student, and (b) read the series of pages here on good-grief
basics. Option: study Project 5 in the
guidebook for
Projects 1-7, Stepfamily
Courtship(Xlibris.com, 2002). Discuss these ideas together honestly, noting any thoughts and feelings that
come up. Read more on grieving together.
Selftest: use
this quiz as a guide until
you each feel knowledgeable about grieving basics. Stay alert to learning from "grief hero/ines" and mentors
- people who seem to be successful mourners.
Eachpartner fill out the
worksheet on your grieving values separately.
Then discuss
your results. This is not a competition or a report card - it's about learning!
Discuss your impressions of the grieving knowledge and values of each of your kids, their
other co-parents, and key relatives.
Learn what a family
good-grief policy is. Then using your prior steps' results,
work together to write on paper what your current couples' policy is on healing
life losses. Does it clearly promote healthy
three-level
mourning? If not, what (and who)
would have to change to make it so? Together,
draft the good-grief policy you want to
guide the people living in and visiting your home.
ThenAct ...
Print copies of this two-page
loss inventory, and assess each of your three or more co-parents, and each minor and
grown child, for major prior losses from
(a) childhood, (b)
prior family breakup via divorce or death, (c) stepfamily re/wedding and
cohabiting, and
(d) anything else that broke significant attachments to tangible and invisible things.
Use
the inventory and the
symptoms of blocked grief to judge whether
anyone may be significantly blocked in their mourning. If you've identified stepfamily adults with false-self wounds from
Project 1, it's likely they, their minor and grown kids, and their ancestors, will have
significant problems with blocked grief.
Some common symptoms of such
people are past or current
addictions, marrying an
addict, chronic
depression and some physical problems, and recurring "rage attacks."
Blocked grief is
a sign of psychological
wounding and low-nurturance ("anti-grief") past and
current environments.
Take
your time, and note your reactions as you assess. It's common to be startled at the number
and range of losses you and others experience, over time. Remind each other that this
project is not about blaming anyone, including yourself, your ex, God, or your
parents!
Starting with yourselves (if you're blocked),
use the seven requisites for healthy grief to assess which
factors maybe missing historically or currently, for each blocked griever you identify.
Pay special attention to missing inner and outer permissions.
If
you're unsure here, locate and use a seasoned
professional
grief counselor - ideally
one who knows something about (a) childhood and divorce wounds, and
(b)
stepfamilies.
Such a person is apt to be more helpful than someone specializing in just grieving losses from
death, because the latter focus mainly on lost persons and relationships. It's a
bonus if such a professional practices some form of
inner family therapy to help unblock.
For each blocked person, co-parents
evolve an empathic strategy to help unblock them. Then act on it
together, with compassion and
patience. You can't make a person mourn. You can make a human and
spiritual environment that invites them to progress safely at their own pace. That's why
consciously developing a pro-grief policy for your homes is a major (step)family asset.
Learn about and use grief-support programs and groups in your community like "Rainbows." Check your library, hospitals, church,
and local mental health centers.
Intentionally teach your kids and key others
all that you're learning about attachments, losses, and healthy
three-level grief, over time - and
let them see and hear you do it! Imagine becoming a grief hero/ine or
mentor for other people.
We all need help and support with this
health-promoting inner work!
Expect this project to continue well past
re/wedding. Some people take a decade or more to move through the phases of grieving
complex sets of childhood, family breakup, and stepfamily-formation losses. We
"losers" each have our own timetable. People in Grown Wounded Child
recovery can take years to safely recognize and thaw
repressed mourning of major childhood losses.
Co-parents
help each other
"sharpen your saw" periodically by (a) evolving a family
language of Good Grief, and (b) initiating supportive discussions among
your members about recent invisible and tangible losses. They happen throughout our
lives, at home, school, and work. Develop your will and ability to constructively
confront people who withhold
permission to grieve from themselves or
others. Not doing this is harmful
enabling, which hinders wholistic
personal and relationship health. The seven Project-2 communication
skills
will empower you here. Finally...
Intentionally include
grief supports for
you and your stepfamily members, as you do ongoing
Project 11 (build a stepfamily support network, and use it). Scan these
recommended books on healthy grieving.
There are many more...
+ + +
Notice how you feel now. Pause and reflect on what you just read, and what it means
in your lives short and long range. Did you get what you need from this
article? Regain your wide-angle vision by reviewing the summary of all
12 projects.
If you partners are
clear on why do this fifth project (above) and how to do it, then add it
to your other ongoing safeguard Projects. Next, scan the
overview of Project 6: co-parents (a) draft a stepfamily
mission statement,
(b) learn what your
kids each need, and (c) then evolve and
use co-parent
job (role) descriptions.
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/05/project05.htm
Project-5 Overview...
If you partners are
clear on why do this fifth project (above) and how to do it, then add it
to your other ongoing safeguard Projects. Next, scan the