From 28 years' professional
research and clinical experience,
I propose that a major unseen stressor in typical
troubled people, relationships, and families is
incomplete grief. This seems specially likely in troubled
(low-nurturance) and
biofamilies, and
A related premise is that
incomplete grief is usually caused by family adults lacking some or all of these seven
And...once aware of the
toxic effects of incomplete, any motivated
person can patiently gain these requisites, free any blocked grief, and
learn to "do" healthy mourning.
in this nonprofit Web site offers
practical options for (a) growing "pro-grief" relationships and families
(i.e. those that
encourage healthy grief), and (b) avoiding or (c) freeing blocked grief.
This article describes common
behavioral signs
of incomplete grief. Use this to...
-
broaden your understanding of healthy and
incomplete grief, and to...
-
assess yourself and/or others for this significant
stressor.
To get the most from this article, first
study these slide
presentations on personality
subselves and wounds, the [wounds +
ignorance] cycle that may be stressing
you and your family, and these
"good-grief" basics. If you have
trouble viewing the slides, see
or read this,
and this. Then use your
browser's "back" button to return here.
Options:
Take this self-assessment quiz on
healthy-grief basics, and/or study these
Q&A items and/or this brief
research summary..
Symptoms
of Incomplete Grief
If adults or kids with major
losses (broken bonds) lack good-grief
they may
(a) not start their mourning process, or (b) get stuck in one or
more of the mental, emotional, and spiritual grieving levels.
Either way, such people often
display observable behavioral symptoms of unfinished mourning. The more symptoms an adult or
child has, the more likely s/he is significantly wounded, uninformed,
unaware, and hindered in healthy grieving.
Use this summary as a checklist and
discussion-starter...
Seeming
"forever" sad, angry, or depressed, or often feeling
or "nothing"
- in
general, or about a loss (broken bond). People who always seem very intellectual,
and/or
unemotional ("flat") may be
(inadequate)
grievers.
Repressed
Signs include repeated:
|
procrastination
cynicism / pessimism
insomnia or excessive sleep
inappropriate drowsiness
fist clenching
"road
rage" |
lateness
sighing
waking up tired
tiring easily
back pain
irritability |
"rage
attacks"
sadistic or sarcastic humor
inappropriate cheerfulness
overcontrolled monotone voice
clenched jaws ("TMJ") and/or teeth grinding
muscle spasms, tics, or twitches |
Some of these may have
medical causes - and our mind-body connection is a relevant mystery (i.e. which causes
what) here.
Minimizings and/or
denials. Consistently downplaying...
-
a loss itself ("Oh
______
wasn't that important to me") and/or...
-
feelings about the loss and
it's impacts ("No,
I'm not sad - just tired again...").
The ultimate denial is of one's own denial.
is a common symptom of
dominance.
Chronic
weariness,
or apathy. It takes a lot of personal energy to steadily repress
frightening emotions and awarenesses. Recovery pioneer John Bradshaw likens this to trying
to swim (live) while holding a big beach ball under water. Therapist Virginia Satir suggested
it's like constantly holding a swinging kitchen door closed against a pack of starving dogs ...
to one or more of these:
-
activities
- e.g. work; hobbies or sports; worship;
committees; socializing, TV, or personal computers; fitness and health; sex; cleaning and
organizing; shopping or gambling; hoarding; reading or "endless" education;
-
substances -
e.g. nicotine, caffeine, fats and/or sugars,
ethyl alcohol and/or other hard drugs, or medications;
-
"causes"
- e.g. save the world's environment, hungry, homeless,
repressed;...
-
excitement (mood
states) - e.g. rage, conflicts, risks, religious ecstasy, or
sexual arousal; and/or to...
-
"toxic" relationships
- those that consistently promote significant
and/or unhealthy
True
addicts use one or more of these to temporarily numb or distract
from (medicate) their relentless
They (their well-meaning
will
their
toxic compulsions until hitting true (vs. trial)
and committing to per-sonal addiction-recovery.
Some addicts never are able to do this.
Some partners and/or relatives may be
addicted to their addict's feelings and welfare
and will join them in denial
Others may acknowledge their partner's addiction and fiercely deny their own.
All addictions are a
clear symptom of major
not just a personal problem. Their members often have trouble
grieving well.
More common symptoms of incomplete or blocked mourning...
Repeated avoidances.
These can be verbal, mental, and/or physical. If the loss (or something associated or
similar) comes under discussion, a blocked mourner will often become silent or irritable,
tune out, try to change the subject, "get real tired," and/or leave.
They may also reflexively shun certain ...
-
places (like former dwellings, neighborhoods,
cemeteries, churches, ...);
-
people (who remind the loser of what's gone,
and/or
how it got gone);
-
activities or
(holidays, vacations,
births, deaths, graduations,...); and/or...
-
mementos (photo albums, movies, music,
old letters, holiday ornaments, special clothing,...) that remind them of their
loss/es.
Blocked mourners
will often protectively deny, rationalize (intellectually explain
without feelings) or minimize such avoidances. Typical
single-parent
families and stepfamilies abound with such painful reminders. Are there any such mementos in your life now?
Your kids' lives?
(Some) chronic pain or
illness - specially ones without clear biological cause. A growing number of
professional healers feel that recurrent asthma, migraine or other headaches, digestive or
colon problems, back pain, shoulder and neck stiffness or soreness, breathing or
swallowing troubles, panic attacks, nightmares, allergies, etc. are bodily signals
that vital emotions are being repressed. Unconsciously-fearful mourners will often
scoff at this or get angry (i.e. scared) if it's proposed.
Obesity
and (some)
eating disorders.
Obesity is defined by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) as
weighing 30% more than appropriate weight for a person's body type per
credible charts like
this.
Morbid obesity is weighing 50% or 100 lbs more than appropriate
body weight.
Morbid implies this condition can be lethal. It's been said of some obese people that "every fat cell is an unshed
tear." Adults or kids can numb the pain of unresolved loss (and other
things) by compulsive
overeating. Others are metabolically unbalanced. Griefwork can be far more helpful for
the former than endless dieting/regaining
cycles.
They typically build
and eventual depression and hopelessness.
Other eating
problems like anorexia (compulsive self-starvation) or bulimia (compulsive binge-purge cycles) may
signal blocked mourning and deep shame.
Obesity may be a symptom
of childhood
This
shattering personal violation forces the massive
losses
of innocence, trust, security, and Self respect in a child too young and
needy to
understand and protect themselves.
More common symptoms of unfinished or blocked grief...
Repeated
anniversary "depressions." Major apathy, sadness, sluggishness, sickness, sleep disorders,
irritability, or feeling gloomy "for no reason" may recur annually around the
time or season a major loss happened. This can appear to be (or be increased by) "seasonal
affective disorder (SAD)," where people rationalize recurring depression by missing sunlight "too much."
Enshrining
or purging mementos. People who obsessively display, revere, discuss, or protect, special reminders long after an agonizing ending can be blocked mourners. Such mementos
can include foods, music, clothes, pictures, rituals, furniture, letters, jewelry,
perfume, gardens, and many more. Revering or
reacting to such reminders to perpetual excess is the key symptom
here.
The
opposite may also signal blocked grief. People who compulsively throw away
every reminder
of the lost person or thing can be avoiding the intolerably pain of
admitting and accepting the precious broken
bond. They may or may not be aware they're doing this.
Often
having exaggerated emotional
reactions to the losses or traumas of strangers,
acquaintances, animals, or fictional characters. Such reactions include uncontrollable sobbing, lasting
depression, intense rages, insomnia, obsessions, bodily reactions, and over-identifications
("becoming" the hurt one).
Add your own symptoms of
unfinished grief...
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/05/symptoms.htm
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