The Web address of this
four-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/05/thaw.htm
This continues an example of spotting and freeing blocked
grief.
Step 3 - Assess for "Good Grief" Requisites
As Pat continued to adjust to the many changes from their family's
she began to
wonder if anyone was still grieving the major losses it caused, and how
that might be affecting her family members - including Ray's parents. She
had never thought about "my
or "the rules that govern how
our family members mourn, and who made our rules."
Pat wanted to learn whether she and
Ray had developed the
to help their family members mourn their broken bonds well enough.
With the new knowledge of her personality's
and her several
in the background, she patiently worked at answering this question
via meditation, reading, and discussions with key
people.
She explained the idea of a family grieving policy to Ray, and asked him
what he thought theirs was. She was pleasantly surprised to learn that he
had some interest in exploring that too "for the kids' sakes." Pat did not
try to get into subselves or wounds, expecting him to view those ideas
sarcastically as "New Age psychobabble."
In reading about healthy-grieving
basics, Pat realized that none of their adults or ancestors had been taught
(a) to think of losses as
including more than someone's death, or about (b) the
levels and phases of health grieving.
After some weeks of reflecting, studying,
and discussing their family's
requisites for "good-grief," Pat's dominant subselves concluded...
-
She was the first person in their family to
assess for false-self wounds and begin to reduce them. Pat felt sad to
acknowledge that her parents,
Ray, and his parents were all probably
"significantly wounded," and that that probably hindered healthy grief
in all of them;
-
None of their family members had learned and
discussed good-grief basics, assessed their major losses, or discussed
the impacts of these losses on their lives and what to do about them;
-
Everyone seemed to be confident enough about
their ability to grieve well, but this complacency was based on
ignorance, unawareness, and distorted perceptions;
-
None of their family members assigned high
personal priority to encouraging healthy grieving or checking for blocked grief;
-
None of their family adults had been
committed to helping each other and their kids...
-
express their
grieving emotions and thoughts freely, or...
-
clearly identify their
respective key life losses (broken bonds) and what they each meant;
-
For these reasons, the adults in her family
had little motivation to help each other and their kids grieve well in
their own unique ways. Their family grieving policy was unconscious, and
netted out to "ignore the trauma of major losses, get on with
your life, and don't burden other people with your thoughts or
feelings."
Bottom line: Pat had to
acknowledge that (a) she had been raised in a low-nurturance family that unintentionally
lacked the requisites for healthy mourning, which (b) probably
promoted unfinished grief among them all. She also had to admit that because of
ignorance and unseen false-self wounds, she and Ray had raised Steven and
Lisa in a similar environment.
This uncomfortable awareness caused Pat to lose the ideal of teaching their
kids to grieve well. Her
insisted that "So you failed as a mother!," causing her
and
to spasm. Pat's Self calmly countered "No you
didn't fail. You
couldn't have taught the kids about healthy mourning because you and Ray
didn't know what they needed to learn - just as your ancestors didn't know."
Pat journaled about her new awarenesses, including her anger and sadness about
lacking the requisites for healthy mourning. She vented about this to Alice,
who was genuinely sympathetic and receptive. That caused sadness and
frustration that she couldn't vent with her own family members and get
empathic support from them.
After more reflection, venting, and using these wise
Pat decided to (a) keep working on getting to know her subselves better, (b)
building trust and teamwork among them, and (c) investigating her life
losses to see if she might be blocked or not finished with grieving any of them. She didn't
think so, but her new awareness and knowledge made her wonder if that was a
protective
Step 4 - Identify Your Losses and their Key
Impacts
Pat recalled her conclusion that she
did not seem to have the
symptoms of the sixth false-self wound - an inability to bond,
and to feel and exchange genuine love. This suggested that she had bonded with
various people, things, and intangibles during her life, and did have
losses to mourn.
To set the stage, she chose a quiet undistracted place and
time to thoughtfully review these examples of
tangible and
intangible losses.
After some days of
reflection and journaling, she evolved this list of her major life losses
since childhood:
-
"I lost:
the delightful illusions that there was a tooth fairy; and a Mr. and
Mrs. Santa Clause, elves, and reindeer "living w-a-ay up north." This
triggered a larger loss of the comforting belief that adults
'always
told the truth.'"
-
"I lost:
the prized relationship with my Mom's mother 'Muma," who died
when I was seven. This caused the
loss of prized rituals
like making cookies with Muma, sitting in her lap, having her read me bedtime stories,
backrubs, and going to the zoo with her on summer weekends."
-
"I lost:
the enjoyment of our orange tabby cat "Fireball," who died when
I was
eight. And...
-
I lost:
the familiarity and comfort of my first home, school, friends, and
neighborhood when our family moved from Wisconsin to California when
I was 12. This dislocation caused a web of minor to major broken bonds
for our family members, which no one discussed. Part of this web
that had special poignancy -
losing the opportunity to lie on my back after a fresh snowfall
and make "angels" with my best friend Nina."
-
"I lost:
the companionship and comfort of confiding in my older brother Toby when he left
home for the Navy."
-
"I
lost (a) my identity as a young girl and (b) my childhood
innocence, when I began menstruating at 13. As a veteran mother now,
I also realize that I also lost (c) the security of having a family
adult care enough to explain my emerging sexuality to me.
Dad
seemed uncomfortable with each of us girls reaching puberty, and was
unable to express paternal pride and support for us in this key life passage.
This feels like (d) some kind of loss, but I'm not clear on what. Loss
of Dad's validation and respect for my femaleness?
Pat recalled that her mother's reaction to her starting her monthly
cycle was
no-nonsense instruction on hygienic necessities, and sternly warning her
"Now you have to be real careful when you're around boys." But
she did not explain what she meant, and made it clear that Pat wasn't to
question her.
So Pat also lost (e) having her Mother celebrate her development into
someone now capable of the miracle of co-creating new life,
and (f)
welcoming her into the sacred female world of
(potential) motherhood. Pat had to discover those things from other
older women and the media, so she (g)
lost a degree of closeness and
bonding with her own Mother that she now wished she had had.
More of Pat's key losses:
-
"I lost memories of many average and special childhood experiences
like early birthday parties and my first day at school, because my
parents didn't care much about family pictures or keepsakes." ("Amnesia"
about early childhood details and events is common among typical
of a low-nurturance
childhood.)
-
"I had many
small and major high-school losses during my California high school years.
One that stands out now is losing my familiar 'girl body,' as my breasts
developed and my hips widened. That amplified the loss of relating to
boys as buddies that began in middle school.
-
Another loss that stands
out now is the end of my childhood
freedom and irresponsibility. One day I really recognized that I would eventually graduate, leave home, and have to support
myself. This
loss was amplified the day I got my diploma."
We won't include Pat's many tangible and invisible broken bonds between high
school graduation and her divorce here, with two exceptions:
-
the
chosen
losses of (a) her life-long identity as a single female
and of (b) her
(subselves') fear of growing old alone, when she exchanged wedding vows
with Ray. Note an implication: some losses are chosen to get something
of greater value.
-
Like all first-time mothers, Pat experienced a boggling series of
personal and marital changes and losses
that began when she conceived and delivered their first
child - e.g.
she lost the familiar ritual of sleeping soundly through the night.
Her identity shifted, too - from "childless woman" to "a
fully grown
woman who had realized her biological potential to co-create new
life. This is an example of an important personal
change that is
not a loss.
Key Divorce-related Losses
As a family
all bonded family members experience
a web of significant invisible and tangible losses over many years. If family adults
healthy mourning,
the odds of significant incomplete or blocked grief in some members are high - specially if
one or
more adults were controlled by protective
This seemed to have been true of Pat and
probably Ray.
Over several weeks of reflection, using these
loss
inventories, and talking with divorced
friends, Pat identified many physical and invisible bonds that broke because
of their family's evolving divorce. Examples of
the invisible losses include...
-
"I lost some
self-respect because of
our divorce.
believes that I shouldn't have married Ray, and that I caused our
divorce. Another part of me blames Ray." And...
-
"I've lost some
self-confidence. Am I
really able to choose a healthy partner and maintain a primary
relationship? Is there something wrong with me?" And...
-
"I've lost the
comfort of having a trusted,
loving partner I could talk with and depend on to be there in all
situations. I began losing that some years before we split up. And..."
-
"I've lost the
freedom of never having
to go through 'the dating' thing' again, and possibly having to deal
with the stresses of forming a stepfamily. And..."
-
"I lost
my cherished dream of
living in 'a
normal, happy family' through my old age." and...
-
"I've lost my current and long-term
financial security and some
related freedoms. The
kids and I have much less money now, despite Ray's child support
payments." and...
-
"I've lost the
certainty and pride of
being a beloved child of God. My church says that divorce is a sin, and
obviously Ray and I have broken our marital vows. I'm not sure what to
believe about my 'sinning.' I never had to wonder about this
before." And...
-
"I've lost my
confidence that our kids
were raised well and have a good start on their adult lives. I worry
about how our family
and divorce has
impacted both kids'
development, short and long-term - specially Steven. His school grades
have dropped way down since Ray moved out; he seems isolated, angry, and
secretive; and most of his friends seem to be pretty troubled.
Stevie
says he's not using drugs, but Lisa says he is. He refuses to consider counsel-ing, and says 'nothing's wrong, Mom!' I don't believe that, and
I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I should see a counselor..."
And...
-
"I've lost my
freedom to be a full-time
Mom and housewife. I'm really working two jobs now - co-parenting two
busy teens, and selling real estate. I've also lost my former
freedom from having to
negotiate child visitations, holidays, health insurance, school
activities, and financial support with Ray - and from wondering what
will happen if he decides to date and remarry." And...
-
I lost
my identity as a married
('normal') woman. Some people are still scornful and biased against
parents who divorce." And...
-
"I've lost some of my old
shared-parenting role.
With Ray not living here, I have more caregiving responsibility more
often now. This feels more stressful." And...
-
"I've lost 16 priceless years of potential happiness and contentment.
If I had made a wiser marital choice and had learned to problem-solve
more effectively, I wouldn't have 'wasted' these years with Ray."
(Pat later realized this was one of her subselves "talking," not her
true Self.)
-
"I've lost
pride in my appearance,
and confidence in my
health. I've gained about 20 pounds since our split-up, and I know I'm
not eating well and exercising enough. I no longer have the time or
energy to do those the way I used to. I'm uneasy about drinking more
alcohol, too - and I don't like to think about that. I think my Dad's
mother was an alcoholic, so I wonder... And..."
-
"I've lost the great
pleasure I felt at (most
of) our personal and family-holiday rituals, like family dinners,
birthdays, our week-end barbecues and picnics, making Easter eggs
together, campouts, vacations, anniversary gatherings, Independence Day,
Thanksgiving, and Christmas. These will never be the same as they were
for more than 17 years, including our courtship time. And..."
-
"I've lost
valued relationships with
most of Ray's relatives, and some of our mutual friends. I specially miss
feeling close to his father Norman and sister Nancine."
And...
Pat has more divorce-related losses, but these are enough for our example.
Note that her ex Ray, her kids
Steven and Lisa, and many of their relatives and key friends have similar
loss-clusters to mourn because of their family's reorganization into
two co-parenting homes. Also
note the difference between divorce-related changes, and losses.
All
losses are changes (which also require accepting and adapting to), but not all changes are losses (broken bonds). Finally,
note that typical adults and kids in a new stepfamily
have a large group of new losses like those above that need to
be mourned - whether prior losses have been well
grieved or not.
As Pat identified her life losses - specially those related to their
divorce - she felt drained,
and increasingly sad. Reviewing and naming her specific losses was very painful, and her true
Self had to keep her long-range vision and steadily resist some protective subselves' urging her to quit.
She reminded her subselves that the payoff was to be able to decide whether
she was risking major health and relationship problems by avoiding her
grief. As her loss inventory grew, Pat realized that she knew no one else who had evolved such an inventory
or assessed for blocked grief.
+ + +
Stretch, breathe, and recall the big picture. This
Project-5 article proposes a framework for why and how to identify and free
incomplete or blocked
grief. This stressor is specially likely in typical
families and
because their adults (a) often bear significant
psychological wounds, and (b) were seldom taught or encouraged to grieve
well. This probably means that their kids are also significantly wounded and unaware.
This promotes many personal and relationship problems, until
wounds and incomplete grief are intentionally reduced.
Let's
continue with our example...
Step 5 - Assess for and Reduce Blocked Grief
After
several weeks of periodic study, meditation,
discussions, and journaling, Pat has concluded "Neither my childhood or my
marital family had the requisites for healthy mourning, so
I may be avoiding my
grief and not knowing it. Now I need to...
-
identify which
losses I may be denying; and whether I need to grieve them,
-
learn (a) why, and (b)
what I need to resume (or finish) healthy grief. I also need to...
-
work on evolving and implementing a
pro-grief policy in our home, and to...
-
learn how to assess and help
Lisa and Stevie to (a) reduce any false-self wounds, and (b) progress on
their mourning.
I also need to...
-
decide if and how I should try to
alert our
other family members to what I'm learning about inner wounds and
mourning our losses - starting with the kids' father Ray.
"Whew - this seems like a LOT of work!"
+ + +
Yes, it IS. As ecologist Barry Commoner said,
"The TANSTAFL principle
applies - There Ain't No Such Thing as Free Lunch."
|
If you're considering steps like these, notice the
difference between labeling them as boring, unsatisfying "work"
and "rewarding self-care and healthy family nurturance." Your
(subselves') attitudes about healing wounds and
healthy
mourning (and other things)
makes a major difference! |
Identify Losses that aren't Fully Accepted
(Mourned) Yet
There are at least three ways to
check whether mourning a given loss is (a) accepted well enough, (b) in process
(incomplete), or (c) blocked. Sometimes
assessing this status isn't needed, because people intuit that they
have or haven't
grieved well enough. Caution
- to protect an
or
inner children, well-meaning
like the
may argue persuasively that grief is done "well enough" when it really isn't.
This is the false-self wound of reality distortion at work.
If someone like Pat
(or you) feels ambivalent or unsure about
their grieving status, they can take each key loss or a cluster of
losses like those above, and...
-
research whether they have any of these
common symptoms, and/or...
-
take each
phase of the three levels of mourning,
and ask "Have I really moved through this phase, for this
loss?"; and/or...
-
hire a
licensed, experienced grief counselor
to help assess their mourning status - ideally, one who knows how to
work with personality subselves; and perhaps...
-
Participate in an effective, knowledgeable
physical or on-line grief-support group.
To
illustrate these options and the steps above, we'll choose the cluster of
losses that typical adults (specially parents) like Pat and
Ray experience when they separate and divorce.
1) Check for Symptoms
Pat
took undistracted time to tailor this overview of the
multi-year process of "divorce" to her
family's situation. She then applied her new awareness of her personal grief
policy, which she had inherited from her parents.
She acknowledged that her
way of coping with the many losses she had experienced from their slow
divorce process was similar to her mother's policy - "Just get on with
(life), and don't whine, cry, or complain."
Pat acknowledged some symptoms of
blocking her cluster of divorce losses:
-
She was
avoiding the collection of
pre-divorce family photos and courtship and marriage-anniversary
mementos - including her wedding ring - that were in a box in the
garage. She didn't want to throw them out, and didn't want to look at
them because of the discomfort (sadness + regret + guilt + anger) that
would cause.
-
Pat realized a pattern:
several weeks before
their marriage anniversary, she began to get "depressed" (sad). She
consciously avoided talking about their courtship and marriage - in
general, and around their anniversary.
Pat also saw that she tried to
avoid co-parenting contact with Ray around their anniversary, and avoid
mentioning him to the kids. The unspoken
family rule that had emerged
was "We (family members) will not mention our wedding anniversary or our
divorce."
-
Another uncomfortable pattern: Pat realized
she and Ray had each avoided asking Lisa and Stevie how they felt about
their parents' divorcing, and what they missed (lost). She also
recognized the same pattern of avoidance with her relatives. She didn't
want to experience their pain, and feeling responsible for
causing it. This could be promoting blocked grief in the kids.
-
Pat saw that at holiday times,
she had
pretended gaiety and cheer that she really didn't feel (and denied doing
this), rather than honestly expressing her sadness over lost traditions
and family togetherness.
Another part of her current grieving policy
became clear: "I'm responsible
for how my actions affect other people, and I shouldn't inflict my
sorrow on the people I care about." (A healthier policy: "I should try
to be aware of other's feelings and needs, and respectfully accord others the responsibility for managing them, as I am responsible for
my feelings and needs.")
-
She began to notice how other divorced
parents talked (or didn't) about their marital and family split-up. Their
anger, bitterness, and sarcasm helped her realized that
she had
her strong anger at herself - and some of her
at "life" ("Our
divorce is so unfair!"), Ray, her parents, and their church.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized - and felt - her deep resentment and anger that her parents and grandparents had not
adequately prepared her to make a healthy marital commitment and to
resolve major marital conflicts effectively. Pat reminded herself that
feeling and respectfully expressing anger over a loss was a normal
phase in the emotional level of "good grief."
This led to reflecting on what her family, church, and society had
taught her to believe about
This teaching netted out to
"A good woman doesn't get angry, is patient and understanding, and
should not feel or express anger at people she loves."
-
Pat realized that when her kids and others
she cared about seemed to be sad, she tried to "cheer them up," and
"look at the bright side." A better ("pro-grief") choice would be to
empathically validate their feelings, ("You seem to be really sad right
now.") and encourage them to feel and
express current emotions honestly without
guilt or anxiety.
Her unconscious grief policy
included the toxic
rule
"Sadness is painful and bad, and should be discouraged." With what she was learning, a
healthier rule was "Sadness is a vital phase in our normal grief process, and should be respected
and fully expressed
rather than repressed or apologized for."
-
As she worked at Project 1 to reduce her
false-self wounds, Pat studied
She learned that the sugar in alcohol and "comfort foods" temporarily
muted feeling painful emotions. So did most fats, tobacco, shallow
breathing, and "antidepressant" drugs.
She concluded that
a diligent
had been compulsively overusing alcohol and excessive
fats and sugars to protect inner kids from feeling their sadness
and anger at many losses, not just those from her divorce.
|
Pat discovered more symptoms like
these, which convinced her that she was (i.e. her subselves were)
avoiding the pain of mourning some important childhood, teen, and
divorce-related losses. That conclusion justified taking the next
step... |
Conclude
this "good grief" example, and review options for inviting other adults and kids to research
incomplete grief and what to do about it.
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