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The Web address of this four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/05/thaw.htm

Example, continued... 

2) Explore Why One or More Losses Aren't Accepted Yet

        This courageous middle-aged mother reviewed the three core causes of blocked grief:

• significant psychological wounds (false-self dominance), and...

• ignorance of healthy-grieving basics and unawareness of specific losses, and...

• a social environment that hindered healthy grief.

        She felt she was making good progress with (a) learning "good grief" basics, (b) updating her personal grieving policy to healthier rules, and (c) starting to respectfully confront and/or avoid people who discouraged her from grieving well.

        That left identifying and working with the personality subselves that were withholding necessary internal permission to grieve well. She began to identify these subselves with respect and compassion, reminding herself that all her subselves were trying to protect her - tho some didn't trust her Self to do this effectively yet.

        Prior to this good-grief work, Pat had studied and experimented with ways to work with her subselves to cause healthy changes in their values, roles, perceptions, and allegiances. She drew on what she had learned to do this grief work.

        She picked one symptom of her blocked grief - pretending family-celebration cheer that some subselves really didn't feel. Pat acknowledged that that was being phony and dishonest (i.e. violating her integrity), and discouraged healthy mourning. Her true Self meditated on how to change her (other subselves') attitudes and behavior in order to be genuine and encourage her family members to grieve well.

        She decided that she wanted to:

• be honest with other people about (express) her own grieving emotions and encourage them to do the same,

• give able adults responsibility for managing their own feelings and filling their own needs without being insensitive to them, and...

• exchange empathic support as they all grieved their respective lost family rituals.  

        She reminded herself that devoted Guardian subselves always act to protect one or more Inner Kids from discomfort or possible injury. Next, Pat reviewed the roster of her subselves that she'd evolved from her wound-recovery work.

        She imagined calling a council meeting of all her subselves in a safe, non-distracted place, and (her Self) asking those who needed her to pretend holiday gaiety to identify themselves. Pat tried this alien exercise several times, and followed her intuition.

        She found that a coalition of subselves needed her to pretend: her Moralizer (Rule Keeper), Perfectionist, Magician, her Fantasizer, People Pleaser, Inner Critic, Guilty Girl, Abandoned Girl, and Shamed Girl.

        Pat called a meeting of these subselves to learn why they needed her to pretend false celebration gaiety rather than allow her Sad Child and resentful subselves to honestly express their feelings and needs to other family members. She learned that...

• Her Moralizer insisted that she must "be responsible for her actions" and must not "selfishly" inflict her sadness on other people, because it "made them feel bad" (which was wrong);

• Her People Pleaser predicted that if Pat honestly expressed her sadness at family gatherings, others would dislike, reject, resent, and abandon her. This terrified Pat's Abandoned Child;

• Her tireless Inner Critic promised relentless scorn if Pat disobeyed the Moralizer's rules;

• Pat's black/white Perfectionist insisted she had to behave "just right" (per the Moralizer's rules) in all situations, including family celebrations. Her Shamed Girl a and Guilty Girl strongly agreed;

• Pat's Fantasizer and Magician wanted to preserve the illusion that family gatherings could be wonderful (ideal), despite their pretense (denials), repressed feelings, and prior losses;

• Her Guilty Girl moaned that if Pat was honest about her sadness and "made others uncomfortable," she (the child) would "feel really bad" because she felt Pat was responsible for other's feelings. And she learned that...

• In varying degrees, all these subselves distrusted Pat's true Self to keep them safe enough in family gatherings, and overruled her Sad Girl and Angry Girl. This meant they resisted her Self's request to change their attitudes and behavior.

        Once Pat understood the values, fears, and goals of each of these subselves, she (a) intentionally kept a long-range outlook, and (b) patiently set out to persuade each of them to adopt a teamwork perspective and try some safe changes "to benefit all of us."

        This was part of her overall goal to (a) build her subselves' trust in the wisdom and reliability of her Self and other Regular subselves, and to (b) patiently grow their teamwork and harmony.

        As she worked at this, Pat watched for chances to describe what she was learning about healthy grief, subselves, inner wounds, and personal and grief "policies" to her kids and other family members - including her ex, Ray

        She tried hard not to be "preachy" or take responsibility for the other adults; and to be factual, brief, and encouraging. Many of her family members were ruled by false selves who were skeptical of, disinterested (i.e. "scared") in, and unempathic with her wound-recovery and grief work. To keep her balance, Pat often used these wise guidelines along the way.

        Over time, Pat's Self persuaded her subselves to relax their distrust and experiment with expressing family-celebration anger and sadness rather than pretending. Her coalition of protective subselves grudgingly acknowledged that no catastrophes happened, and everyone "survived."

        With coaching and instruction, her subselves began to appreciate and accept the benefits of healthy three-level grief, and the potential harm in blocking it. An important shift was steadily encouraging her subselves to change outdated childhood attitudes about self-sacrifice ("Always think of the other person / Don't be 'selfish!'") to adopt a new code of personal rights as a dignified person - without major anxiety, guilt or shame.

        Let's look briefly at a second vital focus of Pat's grief work, because it's common in typical Grown Wounded Children:

Was Pat Addicted?

       Premise - addiction is a universal subself strategy to mute or numb (medicate) major inner pain.  Compulsive overuse of ethyl alcohol, nicotine, and some "street" drugs is compounded by developing a bodily craving for the chemicals. Each of the four types of addiction is a reliable way of avoiding the discomfort of healthy three-level grief.

        As her wounds receded, Pat had to confront a scary question: "Am I addicted to alcohol and/or  eating too many fats and sugars to help avoid the discomfort of grieving?" To research this, she decided to stop drinking alcohol and snacking on high-sugar foods. She also challenged herself to limit her food portions, exercise more, and lose the extra 25 pounds she was carrying.

        Over a period of some weeks, she found that she could not stop using these chemicals or taking too many second helpings at dinner. She felt major guilt and frustration at gradually reverting to her old low-exercise lifestyle despite vowing not to.

        These results seemed to indicate that she was compulsively medicating her inner pain - i.e. that some well-meaning Guardian subselves felt she needed these chemical and eating rituals for immediate relief, despite their long-term health risks.

        Pat committed to using parts work to help her subselves choose healthier ways of self-comforting  and expressing and releasing their pain. First, she identified the subselves which seemed to cause her toxic compulsions. They included...

• My Addict - a common Guardian subself who insisted that using the sugars and fats in alcohol and some foods was merited to reduce the discomforts of...

• My Sad Girl, Lost Girl, Anxious Girl, Guilty Girl, and Abandoned Girl; whose combined intense feelings and thoughts were promoting major inner pain; and...

• My true Self, Adult Woman, and Health Director, who all say "Addiction is harmful - Stop!!"; and...

• My Inner Critic - ("You're pathetic and weak. You can't keep your promises to yourself, can you?");

• My Procrastinator - ("Ah, come on - you can diet and exercise tomorrow.  How about a little comfort now?"); and...

• My Magician / Rationalizer - ("Hey, you work hard for other people, and you deserve a little pleasure and comfort. What's a few extra pounds - you're not obese like some real overeaters. And you don't crave alcohol in the morning or have blackout like real alcoholics. No big deal - you're OK!" (denials)

        As with reducing her compulsion to pretend false gaiety, Pat patiently set out to change the ignorance and narrow immediate-gratification values of these subselves one or two at a time.

        Two fundamental goals were to...

• connect her competent Inner Nurturer with each needy Inner Child, and to...

• persuade her Guardian subselves to trust that her Self and other Regulars would effectively help her needy little girls release their various discomforts.

        Pat knew that despite compelling dangers, typical Guardian subselves resisted healthy change because they feared they would no longer be needed, and lose their power and control. So she steadily reassured her Guardians that her Regular subselves would help each of them find interesting, valuable new personality roles, and stop self-medicating with toxic chemicals and comfort-rituals.

        She steadily encouraged all her subselves to meet and appreciate each other, and grow group pride and teamwork under the wise guidance of her Self (capital "S") and her Spiritual One. 

        See this series of Project-1 articles and/or the related guidebook for more on effective parts work.

        Pat patiently applied her growing awareness, self-trust, self-respect, and subself cooperation to other specific childhood and divorce-related losses, despite some disdain and anxiety among her family members. She (her Self) also began expressing some long-repressed (loss-related) hurts, anger, and resentments at Ray, her parents, her kids, and - at times - some of her subselves.

        She worked to evolve a more balanced, healthy anger policy, and encourage the same in Stevie and Lisa. She worked to develop respectful ways to (a) express her anger and frustration, and (b) assert her needs and limits, rather than the ineffective ways she had learned as a child.

+ + +

        You just read a brief illustration of two ways to (a) reduce inner wounds, and (b) identify incomplete grief and facilitate healthy progress. The first way is to learn about personality subselves, wounds, recovery, and healthy three-level grieving. Among other benefits from this learning, Pat became able to assess for unhealthy personal and family grief and anger policies, and personal and social permissions to grieve well.

        The second way is to use this new knowledge to (a) methodically identify life-losses, (b) check each of them for symptoms of blocked grief, and (c) patiently work to identify and retrain protective personality subselves who may be blocking effective mourning. Doing this is part of the larger goal of identifying and reducing any significant false-self wounds (Project 1).

        Two more options for forming a healthy grieving policy and identifying and freeing blocked grief are to...

3) Hire a Professional Grief Counselor and/or (4) Join a Support Group

        To augment her own wound-reduction and grief work, Pat decided to try professional grief therapy to guard against possible reality-distortions fostered by protective subselves - e.g. "I have grieved my childhood losses well enough." She first researched the criteria for choosing an effective counselor. She felt that a qualified professional should...

• be comfortable working with inner and outer family systems; and...

• accept the Project-1 concepts of harmonizing personality subselves and reducing false-self wounds - or be open to learning about them; and...

• be able to describe some comprehensive framework of good-grief basics, including...

  • the three levels and phases,

  • the causes and common effects of incomplete and blocked grief, and...

  • the idea of inner and outer permissions to grieve; and a qualified professional should have...

• (a) special training and (b) significant experience in promoting healthy personal and family grief, and thawing frozen mourning.

       Pat described these traits to her friends and coworkers and asked for referrals, but got none. Then she called local mental health agencies asking for grief therapists. She interviewed several, and chose a woman who came close enough to her criteria. Several sessions with the woman affirmed the wound-recovery and grief work she was already doing, and added several new options and resources - including trying out a local adult grief-support group.

        Pause and reflect - do you feel you may be incomplete or blocked in grieving some major life losses? If so, do the ideas above seem to be practical ways to assess for and reduce this stressor? If not - why not? Is your true Self answering, or "someone else"?

       After you have honestly assessed yourself for (a) false-self wounds and (b) incomplete or blocked grief, and begun appropriate actions, you'll be increasingly able to...

Encourage Other People to Grieve Well

        Your options vary, depending on whether the person is an adult or a child. Let's outline each set of choices...

Help Adults Understand Wounds and Blocked Grief

        Tailor these options to fit...

• Assess the wo/man for false-self wounds. If s/he has significant symptoms, encourage the person  to learn more about that, and consider personal wound-reduction. Whether s/he's receptive or not...

• Assess the person for symptoms of incomplete or blocked grief. If you find "too many," offer to outline good-grief basics and the benefits of freeing blocked mourning. If s/he isn't receptive, keep your Self in charge, avoid the (false self0 urge to rescue the person, and follow these wise guidelines. If s/he is receptive, then...

• Encourage the person to learn good-grief basics and related ideas, and commit to some version of the grief-facilitation steps in this article - and let go of feeling responsible. Stay aware that without commitment to true (vs. pseudo) wound-recovery, these steps can only be partly effective. If the person is motivated to do this, then...

• Provide what ongoing support you can, without losing your boundaries or taking responsibility for filling the other person's needs. If s/he isn't ready to follow these options, stay aware of the symptoms of codependence, let your Higher Power take over, and attend your own wound-reduction and grieving. Reassure your anxious, distrustful subselves, and let go!

        Pause and reflect - do these steps seem practical and potentially useful? Here's more perspective...

Assess the person for significant false-self wounds

        Premise - people need their true Self guiding their other subselves in order to grieve well. If you feel your person (a) is often ruled by a false self and doesn't know it, or (b) hasn't hit true bottom and  commit-ted to true (vs. pseudo) wound-reduction yet, then lower your expectations, and tailor the options here.

        If the adult's dominant subselves are not open to learning about false-self wounds and recovery now, expect them to discount your invitations to assess for false-self dominance. If the person is open to learning about subselves, wounds and personal wound-recovery, encourage him or her to learn and adapt the options and resources in Project 1 here.

        Give your person full responsibility for their own decisions and wholistic health. Be alert for any of your subselves feeling over-responsible for, or needing to "save" or rescue, the other adult, and keep your boundaries firm and your Self in charge!

        Whether your person commits to personal wound-recovery (if needed) or not...

Assess the adult for signs of blocked grief

        If you (subjectively) see "too many" symptoms, seek a time when the person's true Self is guiding their other subselves, and ask if s/he is open to discussing "good grief." Option: explain that you're asking because you perceive that s/he shows signs of incomplete or blocked grief, and you're concerned.

        If s/he's not receptive, you can accept that for now and/or describe your own losses and mourning. Do so informationally vs. persuasively, including what you've learned about the toxic effects of incomplete or blocked grief.

        If the person is responsible for dependent children, you may spark some interest by asking how well the kids are doing with grieving their losses. You may raise your person's motivation to learn about false-self wounds and healthy grief by suggesting that doing so can help protect their kids from "serious health problems" or equivalent. This is not an exaggeration.

        If your person is open to learning more, you can:

• summarize what you know about bonding, losses, blocked grief, and its common effects, and ask how s/he feels about these ideas;

• outline and illustrate three key factors that affect grieving effectiveness:

  • significant false-self wounds (s/he probably won't know what you mean by this),

  • lack of accurate knowledge about family nurturance-levels, personality subselves, wound-recovery, and grieving basics, levels, and phases; and...

  • whether the person has stable inner and outer (social) permissions (encouragements) to grieve well or not.

  If your blocked person wants more information on any of these, refer them to these Project-1 and Project-5 link-indexes and related guidebooks. If s/he doesn't use the Internet, consider passing on printed copies of several key articles in each Project. 

• if you're working to free your own blocked grief (pp. 1-2), outline the steps you're taking and what you're learning from them. Option - refer your person to this article (sfhelp.org/05/thaw.htm) or provide a printed copy of it.

• If the person commits to learning more about healthy grief and freeing blocked grief, remind them of the need to reduce false-self wounds first. Then be as supportive as you can with whatever s/he  decides to do short of taking responsibility for him or her.

        Keep in mind that typical wounded people don't become genuinely interested in self-healing until they hit some form of "bottom" in mid-life or later. Some who haven't hit true (vs. pseudo) bottom make token efforts (pseudo recovery) that stop short of lasting (second-order) changes in their values and behaviors. They don't "walk their talk," despite (false selves') vowing to do so.

        A respectful way of encouraging "resistant" (scared, unaware) people to learn more is to periodically describe your and/or others' experiences with wound-reduction and improved grieving. If you do, avoid trying to persuade the person on doing something similar ("for their own good.") Another way is to encourage them to help their dependent kids learn how to grieve well ("If you don't - who will?").

        If your person is not open to exploring healthy grief and possible unblocking now, use these wise